Voices from a submerged sea-

I think I really don't know much about being in love. It's the one part of my life that still doesn't always add up. It's like I'm split in two by it.
I wanted this to be about love - and I don't want to let him go. It's true, I don't. I feel alone, now. And a part of me wants to. So that I can know that I can still be happy on my own and then I wonder if I'm afraid not to be alone. I also don't want to be dependent on others for my happiness.
But what has the become about? Letting go of someone for what reason? He was my sun, always put a smile on my face and without him some how I feel everything is harder. I don't want to put that pressure on anyone's shoulders. I don't think I'd be good for him and vice versa. Our love is beautiful and has changed my life for good. It's given me belief. That love is immortal, I believe but what is it that I'm trying to let go of? Obviously I can't let our love go even if I wanted to.
I'm letting him go, I'm trying to let him be free and it hurts because I held onto him. He was this warm place in my heart. And now it depends on me. I have to be my own light, my own warm place. And I want to have a guard when it comes to other men. Because I don't trust myself with them or what could happen to me. I'm spoiled in some sense of the word when it comes to relationships. I don't want to become dependent like I did with him on anyone else. I don't want to believe in 'the one' anymore. People are just people and I love them when I can but it doesn't change with the person. Yet, he was that person that I did that with at times. Just like others would do to me. They thought I was the perfect person for them. But it's just because I was aware of my light and it was the same for him.
I did truly love him, though. Despite all the mix up and whatever else. It hurts to think I might be hurting him but I want to release him from my heart so he can be free and be happy. I want freedom but there are so many paths and I feel I know little about love & life, after all.
I don't know what it is that I want and if it's even close to what I need. I'm feeling like that blackhole, again. I don't want to talk to anyone and suck them in with me. I know I'm not alone but I also know I don't want to be dependent on others to make my decisions or help me feel secure.
I relinquish him - I will not hold onto him like a life jacket. Our love means way too much for me to do that. I release him from my heart and like a bird from cage, I let him fly free.
And in this, I am also free-

Liz