So today I have been thinking about choices. With everything I do there are many different choices which if played would have certain consequences whether I considered them good or bad consequences. I've come to realize there is no 'right' or 'wrong' choice. And following your heart isn't always the only way to go. "Promise me you follow your heart wherever it takes you. Trust it, will you do that?" - "The tough thing about following your heart is what people forget to mention; sometimes your heart takes you to places you shouldn't be. Places that are scary as they are exciting and as dangerous as they are alluring. And sometimes your heart takes you to places that can never lead to a happy ending. And that's not even the difficult part...The difficult part is, when you follow your heart you leave normal, you go into the unknown." -Taken from the show, Roswell
And I've also learned that sometimes when you think that you are following your heart you're just listening to the 'loudest' desire. In ways, you are following your heart. But the heart seems to be more complex then a cookie cutter answer.
For example, let's take my job choices in mind. I could be a writer, I've written since I was a little girl and I love it and have gotten much feedback from it. I could be an artist, I've been doing art since I could pick up a drawing utensil and I've gotten much feedback from it. I could be an artist, I have a natural talent for it and have already gotten hired for small parts. The list goes on with zoologist, psychologist, biologist, mission work...ect. And then there is that part of me that wants to search for answers. So I'd probably join some sort of investigations unit but I might even just go do rogue work.
I can see the struggles and the benefits of all of these jobs or choices but I can't decide on one. I am so creative that would be a waste and painful not to use that in some way, especially when I am SO gifted with it. I know if I continued down the path of living life to it's fullest, being truly happy and free that I would go do something creative and I could share my light with the world. Why be selfish, right?
But then there is something else within me that has this undeniable interest in answering these questions, "Who am I really? Where DID I come from? And why am I here?" Other questions like, "Was I here before? Have I been to other places before...Why did I choose to embody on Earth?" There are times that when I lose focus of the more simplistic life here on earth and start to see the grander scheme, I realize in some ways I feel like I am relearning things here that I already know. So why did I come? I know there is a purpose.
I guess...it's like I don't want to be just another cog in the wheel. I feel there is something even MORE that I have to offer. But, I've asked myself countless times if I'm just some overly insecure girl that I have to believe there is more then what I've been going after. That there is something 'different' with me.
Since I was a little girl, I've always felt this way. Different from everyone else. It's not that I didn't love them or know that inside we're really all the same[so it seems to me so far]. But there was this knowing that I was alien here.
But why?! And now I have decided to go on a path where I will stop asking those questions and just live for love. It's what's in my heart that really matters, I KNOW who I am. And yet there is still this unbearable desire to answer those questions above. The drive can only be explained by two words: something more. I don't even know if I can trust that with this human mind if it really is something so OUT THERE, that I'd be able to comprehend what it is that I want answers about.
I remember seeing choices at one point and that it really was possible that I could stop all the exploring I've been doing and live my life like everyone else, in a state of my unawareness and I'd just be adding to the massive white noise but I WOULD be doing something. I'd be another cog in the wheel, like a wall flower. It's similar with my emotions...I want to be happy and live in joy but I see so many doing that and right now truly is an easy time to be doing that with a lot of us waking up. And I can so feel the great movement towards light and towards love and I really do like it but I know there is still something else. Or maybe I just can't settle on what my heart wants.
I have trouble with making choices because there really ISN'T a right or wrong choice and since I can't just go on what I desire most since I desire all of them equally the same, I usually just listen to the loudest voice. I don't want to do that.
But then I think of how I like the native american culture, the christian culture, the Buddhist culture, the new age culture, the pagan or wiccan culture and so on and so forth and that I have learned from ALL of them and it has given me a greater understanding of life from a more multifaceted understanding. Yet I always wonder if it would be more useful if I'd just dedicate myself to one. Why am I unable to do that? Others find themselves at least gravitating more to one then the other...I don't really do that. I just now said that I'm not really interested in the darker path and that was the first thing in years that I'd even chosen not to associate with as much. But it's like I want it all and I lose myself in the process, or do I?
It's the same with walking away from the one I love most. I had the desire strongly for more masculine energy in my life and he also never could share his world with me because when he did things didn't turn out so well. We were at an em pass. I was too much in this world and his was too much in his own. And yet we shared something...more. As I had spoken of the other day. But I would have never stayed with it for so long if I'd listened to all those other loud voices. I was loyal to one voice and it was that 'more' that I desire so much. It makes me wonder still why I chose to be here, today. My mother said something very touching to me, "Well, that's a hard question to answer. But one thing I do know why you are here for is to love your mother because the love you have shared with me is something very precious to me and it has helped me in every aspect of my life." That meant the world to me. And I remember when I was in the stranger place a few months ago how I had a choice. Stay with the world and shine my light but let go of your 'true love'. Or follow him and return to the new world that maybe I came from. But I know I'm here for a purpose. I just sometimes feel like I'm going to get left behind...And I don't know how to explain it.
But I'm going to stay. I love my home and my family and what I've learned here and I do feel there is a reason I am here. Maybe I can love life, learn to be more free, create and search for my answers. It almost feels as though I am here, very present but there is another part of me that isn't. And I want to see with these eyes whatever it is that another part of me see's. I know, it sounds confusing and maybe a little bit wacko. I can't even promise myself it isn't wacko to some degree but it's just what I feel.
So again with the choices...how do I even know what to choose? Free will can be a tricky thing, sometimes. Especially when there really isn't a 'right' or a 'wrong' - then it's all up to you. What will I choose? Logic also doesn't help me out in times like this and my heart screams a million answers, my true self seems to leave the choice 'up to me' and there isn't even a basis of what would be more beneficial to me or to others.
Spreading my light could be wonderful and I know I have so much to share with others but I feel that this light could also be used for 'something more'. And granted, that sounds fishy to me since I don't see what's more then helping out others and giving them love. But I guess I see it as...I can help out this planet with my light like everyone else is doing...or I can help out this universe with my light. But I can't do that without having some knowing, some purpose and some idea of what it is all about. Especially when I have a million other desires leading me in different directions. Some how I feel I knew how crazy all of this would be...But where does that come from? That knowing? That knowing that there would be a million choices before me and I just have to trust my OWN knowing as to do what it is that I came here to do. And that no, it's not end all of I don't. But there is something more to all of this.
-Liz
simplicity evades me and my circular thoughts
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