Focus

Okay so I've come to a final conclusion about my lack of focus. I've desensitized  myself over the years and I don't think this an uncommon thing for kids who could get away with it. I spent many hours on the internet or just thinking and thinking. There wasn't very much - here and now. I didn't want to think about here and now. Here and now didn't interest me.
This has caused me a lot of problems now that I do want to focus. It feels like I am trying to keep myself awake when my brain gets very easily tired and wants to fall back asleep. Certain parts of my brain like instinct and the part that obeys to orders being barked at it stay awake but it's almost as though a part of me easily falls back asleep and works on autopilot. Because I of this I see how it puts me at a great disadvantage.
Why haven't I planned anything out for my life so far? Because of this. And where I work only pushes on this more. I need focus and I will get it but when that other part of me falls asleep, there is an inner turmoil that wakes up. Because when that part of me falls asleep, all I want to do is stare into space and think. I can't do that while I'm working so I force myself to keep working. I get everything done and I always smile as a customer walks out, that's not the problem. It's within. Within I feel things I never want to feel. I ask myself if it's my fault for not taking my life more seriously until now. I haven't been paying attention to the world I have been living in with the focus that I now need and it's making things so much more difficult.
I can't blame myself, though. I still remember why I desensitized myself. I understand. I also forgive myself then and forgive myself now. I can be a bit of a perfectionist and that's hard with the job I'm working at.
I'm taking the steps toward growing up and I'm happy about it. I think there is fear within me to really start focusing on the here and now and to let go of my countless hours of pondering and self discovery. But there's only so much a person can discover about life if they don't truly live it.
Live life? Ah! What a novel idea!
Let's see where my lovely heart will bring me, this time. <3

-Elizabeth [a soul journey]