I didn't realize it. I really didn't. I...I don't really understand it. I didn't think it was possible for me to truly not understand myself like that.
I should have guessed it when I was talking to Aymee. I really miss Emily. In fact, I can't even explain how much I miss her. I used to see her so much and I don't think I realized how happy she made me. But not just that, I love her so much. I feel like a distance has come between us and really it's partially my fault because I've not tried as hard to hang out with her. I don't know why.
I also didn't know that I could bury my own desires to the point that I didn't feel them at all. And none of it was consciously. How is that even possible? Especially when I try to be aware of myself.
I remember that when I was in that really bad place and one day I talked to Emily on the phone and the effect it had on me. I think she probably doesn't even realize how much I love her or maybe she does but somehow I don't think she does. I could feel and the angels said to me, "Elizabeth, we've never seen this side of you. It's so beautiful. You were laughing and smiling from your heart." And I was, I always do with Emily. I remember that I've always thought of her as my little slice of happiness. That no matter how scary life got she could always make me laugh and make me smile.
When I was younger I used to be really attached to people. I always needed that SOMEONE in my life that I depended on. Once it was my brother then it was Emily. Even though I helped her a lot through hard times, she didn't really know how much I relied on her. Then Kirene came into the picture and it was also him.
When I went to that really bad place and I watching that ballet and the voices were telling me I would never be able to talk to my friends again and I would have to live the rest of my life alone, that was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me.
Aymee, you were right. The best thing about this life is the people you share it with. And I don't think I really quite let myself feel the pain I buried when I believed I would never be with the one's I loved again. Really, I probably just latched onto my parents as that new person I talk to all the time. But when there wasn't anyone I went to and it was just me in that state, that dependency disappeared but the love didn't.
Tonight, I wanted Emily to come over. She found a show that we have been looking for, for literally 5 years now and she finally found it! It was so great but honestly I was even happier to hear her voice on the phone and to hear her happiness. She kept laughing and I could tell she was really connecting with me. It felt like it always had between us, every doubt erased. If I can ever explain what this meant to me in words, I would. Well, maybe I wouldn't. It's too special to me.
But tonight she couldn't come over because mom didn't want company over and I felt so mad at first since I've not had ANY company in a long time, besides Carla. And especially not Emily. Yet, I didn't argue with her. I was surprised. I was feeling so distraught by not seeing her and trying not to be angry at my mother. Usually with that combination I would've at least tried to convince her. But I didn't. I just felt really sad. I didn't even want my mom to see me cry because somehow even then I knew it wasn't her fault. Even though at the moment she felt very selfish to me but I KNEW that was not the case and even if it was, I could understand. She wanted the house to herself. I've been really selfish before and I still accept myself. I also love my mama and I don't want her to feel used.
But then I came in here to write about how much I missed Emily and I just started crying really, really hard. Harder then I have in a while and I kept having the thoughts run through my mind when I thought I was going to lose my best friend. And not just her but everyone. Yet, especially her. That I knew I would live my life like I was fine. And that was the saddest part. The saddest part is I can numb myself and every time I do, a big part of me that loves them so deeply is hidden away like a berry treasure and hopefully it won't be forgotten.
I don't want to forget these feelings. They hurt like hell and I hate it when I get to this point but somehow it's better then not feeling it at all. I want to feel how much I love someone. Even now, I can't really feel it. I don't feel as distraught but a part of me wants to! A part of me wants to be upset beyond belief and just to feel how much I love that person even if it is crying in agony! I want to know how much I love the person! I want it to be every part of me. I know she is not the only one I do this with but I think it's especially bad because I was so dependent on her and so now there is a big gap and I don't want it to be there.
I didn't realize how much I missed her. How much I missed being able to just love my life with the best friend of my life. I want to do that as soon as I can and we will be able to this weekend so I just have to remember that. And I guess that would make me seem over dramatic and maybe I am being. It felt like I was but it hurt so badly. I think because I haven't seen her in a few months, not even heard her voice. I really have missed my Emily.
We've always said it's like we feel in love except as friends. I hope she hasn't forgotten, either. But, maybe I've hurt her in ways neither of us can understand yet.
I miss you, Emily.
I miss Kirene, too. He's with me in my heart but so much is confusing right now and I hate the doubts I feel about everything and everyone.
Eli
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
I'm Grateful
So, I've been doing a lot of yoga lately and it's surprising how much I love it. Being that in tuned with my body is very strengthening. I've been a bit more focused on what I want to do but I still find myself feeling like there is so much more for me to do. I also think it's my own perception of things that needs work.
Today, I asked for some inspiration to write and this is what I got:
I’ve taken you this far, yet
To show you of a dream
That exists within a dream
Falling asleep, now, here we go
There is still a word that you must learn
Before you will understand
My heart
Truth
~
It’s what you make it
And it will never change your faith
In the unknown
For even the truth has a way of slipping away
When you are afraid
It’s in your eyes, I find myself falling
And down I go
Something so possessed
With fear and feelings of
My death
Is so bright!
Oh, the places we go
When we’re falling in love
And falling out of our worldly cares
Silence rains after the flames
Subside
Danger, danger! Everything in you screams
Do you remember what it feels like to be born?
Every writhing curl of your small arms?
And what about the distinct feeling of danger…
Every wrong direction away from the light and there was pain
This is when darkness was our home
Soft
Safe
And yet we fled
To the light of our lives
For we are pioneers of our pain
And even in the darkest fright
We will always be able to see that light
A fire is scorching you inside
I say, oh
I was once consumed in my own fires
Silence broke my faith
In myself
A world raged around me but I was no longer a part of it
I felt I had never been farther from home
Then, as the phoenix from the ashes
Arisen!
From the shame of yesterday
I am born again
Oh, qualms of life
It creeps in like a cold draft
And where is home if not
Within?
But when we’re lost to our own despair…
So careless
WAKE UP
The dream is over
Can you tell the difference from your truth
And the worlds ways of testing your will to change
Fight
Fight to be born again
The light is always there
You just have to remember what you’re looking for
This isn’t an escape from life
This is birth into it
Be who ever you may be
Out there, waiting for an answer to all your questions
I still ask
I still wonder
Yet
There is one question
That has always been answered
Who am I really?
I am a Child of Love
And that is God
~
Believin’
Is
Seein’
I don't really know where else to share it since it's not something I want to put on my facebook. I never know what is going to offend someone. And it's not that I want to always be caring about that but I really don't feel like hearing it from them.
So I looked back over a lot of Kerli's old blogs that I read when she posted them in 2009 and they meant even more to me now. I could actually see exactly where she was coming from. I feel I'm on similar path as her. But I still don't want to get so wrapped up in her path that I forget my own.
I feel there is still more for me to learn that I don't quite grasp yet but I'm trying my best to remain diligent. I've not been as successful with staying positive and that's been bothersome. The only time I really had problems with depression is when I was first hitting puberty and a lot of difficult stuff started happening in my life with family and other things. But I also didn't understand things like I do now.
I feel like maybe it's a part of me that has come to that place of not being certain about what I am doing. Like having one foot in and one foot out which makes it SO much harder to do what I want to do. When first re grounding a while back I finally made my mind up on what I wanted to do and when things came to test me I still chose it. But lately I've been coming off kilter, it's aggravating. I feel like I'm wasting my life on feelings that I feel I am ready to move passed. I try to understand it and all I can say is I'm afraid of something or maybe I'm just disappointed in myself. That's a reoccurring theme with me. I want so badly to be strong and to diligently do what I want to do. It almost feels like certain parts of me are just unwilling to work with me on what I want to do. That is usually a sure sign that I should stop and see what is going on with myself. And maybe to some degree I already understand. A part of me feels that since I understand so much more now I should interact better with people in ways that will truly change their lives. That judgement should be a thing of the past and so should my insecurities. But that's expecting WAY too much out of myself. And then I can practically hear that urgent voice, "No, Elizabeth, you shouldn't just want to, you NEED to." And I know that it is so important that I send out these helpful and healing vibes and the way I live is not a game but I still have a lot of growing to do. And I've already tried to change overnight, it doesn't work, no matter how much you want it to. Transformation and change takes time and effort that you've gotta' put into it each and every day. And you will continue to learn something new with each effort. I do find myself believing that I'm treading water at times, though. I get nervous that I'm falling back into my old ways or nothing has changed within me but I need to understand now that I really AM in a growing phase in my life and there are just going to be those turbulent days. It's not going to be easy peasy pumpkin squeeze-y all the time. And there very well may be days that I doubt everything, that I have faith in terrible things and that I can't even believe there really is a higher power out there who loves and cares about me or that my journey will not lead to eventually disaster or something that I can never make up from. Some days I'll really feel there is a reason to be scared out of my fucking mind and that's okay. Because that's part of growing up and that's part of learning who you are and all that goes with it. But that doesn't mean I stop trying. I do keep trying and keep growing and keep striving to be the best that I can possibly be. I DO want to try to enjoy as much as I can, though. Because life is so freaking beautiful and that's something I really don't want to miss out on. I love it and I love you. I love you all. :]
Thank-you.
Eli
Today, I asked for some inspiration to write and this is what I got:
I’ve taken you this far, yet
To show you of a dream
That exists within a dream
Falling asleep, now, here we go
There is still a word that you must learn
Before you will understand
My heart
Truth
~
It’s what you make it
And it will never change your faith
In the unknown
For even the truth has a way of slipping away
When you are afraid
It’s in your eyes, I find myself falling
And down I go
Something so possessed
With fear and feelings of
My death
Is so bright!
Oh, the places we go
When we’re falling in love
And falling out of our worldly cares
Silence rains after the flames
Subside
Danger, danger! Everything in you screams
Do you remember what it feels like to be born?
Every writhing curl of your small arms?
And what about the distinct feeling of danger…
Every wrong direction away from the light and there was pain
This is when darkness was our home
Soft
Safe
And yet we fled
To the light of our lives
For we are pioneers of our pain
And even in the darkest fright
We will always be able to see that light
A fire is scorching you inside
I say, oh
I was once consumed in my own fires
Silence broke my faith
In myself
A world raged around me but I was no longer a part of it
I felt I had never been farther from home
Then, as the phoenix from the ashes
Arisen!
From the shame of yesterday
I am born again
Oh, qualms of life
It creeps in like a cold draft
And where is home if not
Within?
But when we’re lost to our own despair…
So careless
WAKE UP
The dream is over
Can you tell the difference from your truth
And the worlds ways of testing your will to change
Fight
Fight to be born again
The light is always there
You just have to remember what you’re looking for
This isn’t an escape from life
This is birth into it
Be who ever you may be
Out there, waiting for an answer to all your questions
I still ask
I still wonder
Yet
There is one question
That has always been answered
Who am I really?
I am a Child of Love
And that is God
~
Believin’
Is
Seein’
I don't really know where else to share it since it's not something I want to put on my facebook. I never know what is going to offend someone. And it's not that I want to always be caring about that but I really don't feel like hearing it from them.
So I looked back over a lot of Kerli's old blogs that I read when she posted them in 2009 and they meant even more to me now. I could actually see exactly where she was coming from. I feel I'm on similar path as her. But I still don't want to get so wrapped up in her path that I forget my own.
I feel there is still more for me to learn that I don't quite grasp yet but I'm trying my best to remain diligent. I've not been as successful with staying positive and that's been bothersome. The only time I really had problems with depression is when I was first hitting puberty and a lot of difficult stuff started happening in my life with family and other things. But I also didn't understand things like I do now.
I feel like maybe it's a part of me that has come to that place of not being certain about what I am doing. Like having one foot in and one foot out which makes it SO much harder to do what I want to do. When first re grounding a while back I finally made my mind up on what I wanted to do and when things came to test me I still chose it. But lately I've been coming off kilter, it's aggravating. I feel like I'm wasting my life on feelings that I feel I am ready to move passed. I try to understand it and all I can say is I'm afraid of something or maybe I'm just disappointed in myself. That's a reoccurring theme with me. I want so badly to be strong and to diligently do what I want to do. It almost feels like certain parts of me are just unwilling to work with me on what I want to do. That is usually a sure sign that I should stop and see what is going on with myself. And maybe to some degree I already understand. A part of me feels that since I understand so much more now I should interact better with people in ways that will truly change their lives. That judgement should be a thing of the past and so should my insecurities. But that's expecting WAY too much out of myself. And then I can practically hear that urgent voice, "No, Elizabeth, you shouldn't just want to, you NEED to." And I know that it is so important that I send out these helpful and healing vibes and the way I live is not a game but I still have a lot of growing to do. And I've already tried to change overnight, it doesn't work, no matter how much you want it to. Transformation and change takes time and effort that you've gotta' put into it each and every day. And you will continue to learn something new with each effort. I do find myself believing that I'm treading water at times, though. I get nervous that I'm falling back into my old ways or nothing has changed within me but I need to understand now that I really AM in a growing phase in my life and there are just going to be those turbulent days. It's not going to be easy peasy pumpkin squeeze-y all the time. And there very well may be days that I doubt everything, that I have faith in terrible things and that I can't even believe there really is a higher power out there who loves and cares about me or that my journey will not lead to eventually disaster or something that I can never make up from. Some days I'll really feel there is a reason to be scared out of my fucking mind and that's okay. Because that's part of growing up and that's part of learning who you are and all that goes with it. But that doesn't mean I stop trying. I do keep trying and keep growing and keep striving to be the best that I can possibly be. I DO want to try to enjoy as much as I can, though. Because life is so freaking beautiful and that's something I really don't want to miss out on. I love it and I love you. I love you all. :]
Thank-you.
Eli
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Choice
Everyday I'm given choices and it's up to me on what I decide. Do I let my past rule me? Do I let my feelings change my former decisions?
I have a path I feel I want to go down but sometimes I wonder if it's possible which is something I rarely wonder. I believe anything is possible but even this seems unlikely to me. I know it's possible and I think it really is what I want to do. Yet, maybe what I doubt is that I can do it.
The more I try to be understanding, the more I find myself failing to understand. And yet when things come naturally to me I do see it is possible for this path. Mentally talking to my higher power today I was thinking about what I spoke of before with needed to believe before I could see and yet in the moment I least expected it I saw the world in bold letters, "Choice." I knew I was being shown that I was being given a choice.
How will I live this life, where will I take it?
I think I feel like something is really missing or maybe I am getting discouraged too easily. I feel I have to choose what it is I believe. I don't know, though. I know there is more to it all but I need to be able to keep moving forward. A big part of me feels like I need to just, "wake up". This is probably because I'm not as in tuned with myself right now and I have that longing feeling in my heart as though I'm trying to find my way back home.
I feel that I have an honest challenge. I can see it and I saw it fully that night of watching Powder. This is not going to be easy and it will be the one path that tests my courage, the most. I'm still not getting it, yet. I KNOW I can do more. I know that is what I want. I want to be as courageous as possible and do this. I need this world to know there is more to life and in a lot of ways, I need to know this myself. It always starts to fade in my heart when I can't act upon. I've seen all the proof I would need to believe but it is really true that proof has never been what belief places it's truth upon.
"The very part of you that is of love will either heal you or drive you insane, you choose." It is that desperation inside of us that drives most of us to drink or do insane things. I know I am person who cannot simply fade out of existence and if I did...what a waste, is all I can think.
All I can think about is that surely I will make it but I know that's not what this is all about. What is it that I'm waiting for, again? I've come back to this place of unease and I know I've been in this place too many times before.
I want to believe that it's possible
That it's possible to show the world that we're not all broken, wasted creatures spiraling
This is my chance and I know it. I want this person so badly to wake up inside of me. Should I accept it for what it is or what it could be? This choice.
Every beautiful moment of life. I want to treasure it. If only this be my wish, God, please- please. Never let me feel this life is wasted!
All these feelings inside of me, crowding my beings. They are ghosts of a girl that doesn't exist anymore. I only exist. The me who is here, RIGHT now. That is who is alive and breathing and even now, I am changing constantly. But surely there is a part of me that can transcend the ebb and flow of life. More then just a cog in the wheel, a wall flower. But truly something that is unchangeable, someone true. Reawakening to me. But I know I can't do that until I really understand what I'm all about and until I really live for it and live with it. I have to understand to really love one and another.
I dunno', let's just see where this goes~
Eli
I have a path I feel I want to go down but sometimes I wonder if it's possible which is something I rarely wonder. I believe anything is possible but even this seems unlikely to me. I know it's possible and I think it really is what I want to do. Yet, maybe what I doubt is that I can do it.
The more I try to be understanding, the more I find myself failing to understand. And yet when things come naturally to me I do see it is possible for this path. Mentally talking to my higher power today I was thinking about what I spoke of before with needed to believe before I could see and yet in the moment I least expected it I saw the world in bold letters, "Choice." I knew I was being shown that I was being given a choice.
How will I live this life, where will I take it?
I think I feel like something is really missing or maybe I am getting discouraged too easily. I feel I have to choose what it is I believe. I don't know, though. I know there is more to it all but I need to be able to keep moving forward. A big part of me feels like I need to just, "wake up". This is probably because I'm not as in tuned with myself right now and I have that longing feeling in my heart as though I'm trying to find my way back home.
I feel that I have an honest challenge. I can see it and I saw it fully that night of watching Powder. This is not going to be easy and it will be the one path that tests my courage, the most. I'm still not getting it, yet. I KNOW I can do more. I know that is what I want. I want to be as courageous as possible and do this. I need this world to know there is more to life and in a lot of ways, I need to know this myself. It always starts to fade in my heart when I can't act upon. I've seen all the proof I would need to believe but it is really true that proof has never been what belief places it's truth upon.
"The very part of you that is of love will either heal you or drive you insane, you choose." It is that desperation inside of us that drives most of us to drink or do insane things. I know I am person who cannot simply fade out of existence and if I did...what a waste, is all I can think.
All I can think about is that surely I will make it but I know that's not what this is all about. What is it that I'm waiting for, again? I've come back to this place of unease and I know I've been in this place too many times before.
I want to believe that it's possible
That it's possible to show the world that we're not all broken, wasted creatures spiraling
This is my chance and I know it. I want this person so badly to wake up inside of me. Should I accept it for what it is or what it could be? This choice.
Every beautiful moment of life. I want to treasure it. If only this be my wish, God, please- please. Never let me feel this life is wasted!
All these feelings inside of me, crowding my beings. They are ghosts of a girl that doesn't exist anymore. I only exist. The me who is here, RIGHT now. That is who is alive and breathing and even now, I am changing constantly. But surely there is a part of me that can transcend the ebb and flow of life. More then just a cog in the wheel, a wall flower. But truly something that is unchangeable, someone true. Reawakening to me. But I know I can't do that until I really understand what I'm all about and until I really live for it and live with it. I have to understand to really love one and another.
I dunno', let's just see where this goes~
Eli
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Beliefs
Belief. It's something that I don't always understand. In fact, there are times when I feel like I don't understand a damn thing about myself or anything else for that matter. This is a more recent feeling and not something I had much trouble with in the past. I had come to a place where even if I didn't understand everything I had a peace in my heart. I was certain that I'd...what? Be okay? That I had meaning? I'm not sure.
I did a lot of work today after spending some time with a friend and that did feel good. Afterwards, I felt flustered and I knew that I wanted closeness with my higher power. I hate how all the doubts, a lot of them old, come flooding back in and it affects me like I'm heartbroken. It's more pivotal that I don't have faith in them because when I do it really throws me off balance.
I feel, sometimes, like I'm in this shell...no, this delusion, that I want to break out of. Like there is somehow a truer part of myself that I want to reveal to other people, to myself and I just don't know how.
I have spent a lot of my time looking through the eyes of others and forgetting about my own. It's been a big factor of how I've gotten into some messes.
And again I come back to the question: Elizabeth, what is YOUR truth? What IS my truth?
When I went outside to speak with God. I told him, "I know that I am having trouble talking with you and just seeing you for who you are to me and who I believe you really are. I want you to know that I do love you. I want your help but a part of me hates not feeling like I can support myself. I am so tired of saying sorry, sorry, sorry. But sorry. Sorry for being distant and sorry for not knowing how I feel." I remembered wondering if God would speak to me out loud or...some kinda of sign but instead of that I got an immediate knowing. I recalled the signs that I'd been given in the past but that I only received them when I needed them most and when I was willing to believe. Because it's all about free will. God will respect the path I am going down and knows when I just need to flesh something out. Belief is important but sometimes finding oneself means exploring places that aren't really true to yourself.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
To Skye~
Before I say anything else I want to say something about my friend Skye. A girl I have secretly envied before.
Okay, bluntly: She simply does not fit into this society, period. Maybe in Japan she would better but not here. She is brilliant for her age and at times is even more mature than myself. I have been inspired by her in many, many ways. She is absolutely talented when it comes to dancing and I've written poetry from her dancing before. She puts her heart into dancing, there is nothing less authentic than that. She doesn't mind going out into the courtyard at school and dancing in front of all the kids even though they tease her relentlessly for it. She also writes. Music, poetry and stories. She's very talented and though her work is still that of a young girl I see a lot of potential there as well. She's bright and something so gentle rests in her heart. She is one of the kindest people I know and will always forgive. She is also strong and pure, wanting to help others and inspire them to make it through any hard time.
Even the people who like Skye or befriend Skye, I think they hope for something that I do not hope for. Maybe some people would say I am cruel but I find anything else to be terribly cruel. Skye is who she is and she can't fake that, I don't think she would even know how. What is normal for most people is just our way of hiding our brilliance. Is it really so strange to do something you love and to do it with all your heart? She has passion for what she does and she's still young. If the wants to dance, I say let her dance.
I see what my teacher does. My teachers see's that she is a wonderful person but because she simply doesn't fit in she is ridiculed and unless she can learn to at least conform somewhat this is how it will always be for her. I know she see's how cruel it is for Skye.
Because she is the way she is, other's who do not have their eyes open and will not open them for anything else but what they have accepted as normal, she is ridiculed. To them she is freak. She is someone that don't want to understand. Because wearing a mask of normalcy is much easier then being yourself. You'd just become another freak, right? Skye has no choice, unlike us. She can't put up a mask unless she worked very hard to. But my teacher wants so desperately for her to learn to be more like other children so that she can be accepted. Her writing is that of a young girls and she has dreams to send it to a famous director but Mrs. Jacey thinks because she is in her own world she won't see that a director would trash. This, I understand but I also feel that Skye will grow more before she sends it in. There really is potential there in the clutter of her thoughts.
When I think of Skye changing, I feel very sad. To some she may seem like a freak but there is nothing freaky about being yourself. She has always been a breath of fresh air to me and I have secretly envied her for her ability to see things for what they are and even to just be herself. Yes, she lives a bit in a fantasy world at times but so do we all in some ways! When it really counts, Skye understands. Because some things can be understood no matter the language or age. It's universal.
I say that if she can find this within her heart then no matter what kind of person she is she can speak this universal message and people will hear her. I have seen it. The more she reaches out, the more people listen to Skye. People DO try to understand her. Because they can see she cares for them.
I respect Skye and for her to ever learn such a terrible habit as putting on a mask would be so useless. This world wants more people like Skye. It inspires me to be true to myself. It makes me hope that somehow I can also be a symbol of freedom like she is. Because that is what she symbolizes for me. She symbolizes freedom. And I do see the flip side. It's a hard people. People who don't want to see it this way, won't. And they will attack because it feels like an attack on their very way of life. A mask doesn't work when it starts to feel like one. I won't change other people but I won't change myself. Skye may have a more difficult life in that aspect but if she never stops believing in herself and never believes that she really is a freak, she is someone who is revolutionary.
Okay, bluntly: She simply does not fit into this society, period. Maybe in Japan she would better but not here. She is brilliant for her age and at times is even more mature than myself. I have been inspired by her in many, many ways. She is absolutely talented when it comes to dancing and I've written poetry from her dancing before. She puts her heart into dancing, there is nothing less authentic than that. She doesn't mind going out into the courtyard at school and dancing in front of all the kids even though they tease her relentlessly for it. She also writes. Music, poetry and stories. She's very talented and though her work is still that of a young girl I see a lot of potential there as well. She's bright and something so gentle rests in her heart. She is one of the kindest people I know and will always forgive. She is also strong and pure, wanting to help others and inspire them to make it through any hard time.
Even the people who like Skye or befriend Skye, I think they hope for something that I do not hope for. Maybe some people would say I am cruel but I find anything else to be terribly cruel. Skye is who she is and she can't fake that, I don't think she would even know how. What is normal for most people is just our way of hiding our brilliance. Is it really so strange to do something you love and to do it with all your heart? She has passion for what she does and she's still young. If the wants to dance, I say let her dance.
I see what my teacher does. My teachers see's that she is a wonderful person but because she simply doesn't fit in she is ridiculed and unless she can learn to at least conform somewhat this is how it will always be for her. I know she see's how cruel it is for Skye.
Because she is the way she is, other's who do not have their eyes open and will not open them for anything else but what they have accepted as normal, she is ridiculed. To them she is freak. She is someone that don't want to understand. Because wearing a mask of normalcy is much easier then being yourself. You'd just become another freak, right? Skye has no choice, unlike us. She can't put up a mask unless she worked very hard to. But my teacher wants so desperately for her to learn to be more like other children so that she can be accepted. Her writing is that of a young girls and she has dreams to send it to a famous director but Mrs. Jacey thinks because she is in her own world she won't see that a director would trash. This, I understand but I also feel that Skye will grow more before she sends it in. There really is potential there in the clutter of her thoughts.
When I think of Skye changing, I feel very sad. To some she may seem like a freak but there is nothing freaky about being yourself. She has always been a breath of fresh air to me and I have secretly envied her for her ability to see things for what they are and even to just be herself. Yes, she lives a bit in a fantasy world at times but so do we all in some ways! When it really counts, Skye understands. Because some things can be understood no matter the language or age. It's universal.
I say that if she can find this within her heart then no matter what kind of person she is she can speak this universal message and people will hear her. I have seen it. The more she reaches out, the more people listen to Skye. People DO try to understand her. Because they can see she cares for them.
I respect Skye and for her to ever learn such a terrible habit as putting on a mask would be so useless. This world wants more people like Skye. It inspires me to be true to myself. It makes me hope that somehow I can also be a symbol of freedom like she is. Because that is what she symbolizes for me. She symbolizes freedom. And I do see the flip side. It's a hard people. People who don't want to see it this way, won't. And they will attack because it feels like an attack on their very way of life. A mask doesn't work when it starts to feel like one. I won't change other people but I won't change myself. Skye may have a more difficult life in that aspect but if she never stops believing in herself and never believes that she really is a freak, she is someone who is revolutionary.
Freedom to search
Sunday will be father's day and instead of just preparing a gift for my papa I am also making one for my grand father. He is my father, father. I watched Mrs. Doubtfire with him tonight and that was really nice. I kept hearing the words at the end in my mind. "As long as you have love, that is a bond that ties you together and you will always have a family in your heart." It made me think of many people. Some related and some not. But all of them mean the world to me. Sometimes I feel I can't express well enough to them how much I really do love them. I hope that even if I'll never find the words or a way to show it, they'll just know. Deep down inside they will be able to feel what they mean to me. I hope they'll never doubt it.
I've not always been able to spend as much time with my grandfather as I would have wanted to and so I was very happy to spend some time with him tonight. I also finished his gift. It's a painting with the golden ram of Aries coming out of the darkness of the night with the Aries constellation of him. I have scripted onto it, "I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul." So it is really is a mixture of Invictus and his zodiac sign. It turned out how I think it should have. Of course as an artist I have a few critiques here and there but all in all I think it really resembles, "An unconquerable soul."
As I was drawing/painting this picture I kept repeating the lines of Invictus in my mind. Especially, "I thank whatever gods may be for my unconquerable soul." It brings hope back to me. I knew it wouldn't be easy when I re grounded that the weights of life would set in but I remembered the one thing I feared most would be to go back to the way I was before with my eyes closed. I want to be brave. I don't want to cower away even though parts of me wish that I could. I want to continue.
I have concerns here and there with the continual strain on my thoughts, other's issues and then my own with relationships. When I'm first getting to know someone there comes a stage when I feel almost distant from them but in these moments I'm more desperate then ever to be close to them and somehow I feel paranoid I've done something to push them away or maybe I'm wearing them out. I worry that soon they'll drift away from me and become uninterested. Even my counselor I have felt this way about and I feel reluctant to tell him because well, he seems annoyed at times. I know I'm not seeing what is really going on because he's actually a very caring guy. I should give him the benefit of the doubt. It's too bad my doubts don't care for that sort of thing. What am I trying to run from? Other people or myself? Maybe both?
I'm tired of my tainted perspectives that I had before. I know there not even true and yet I slip into them so easily. They tire me and I feel they are really doing me no good.
Perspectives on people, myself and my higher power. All old, not useful.
I was thinking today, "Holy spirit? I want to remember how I saw you when I was in that place. Everything is jumbled here. I don't see you for you are. I want to remember that you love me. That I'm accepted."
I was shown. I hope I can show others. I remember dad saying he was having trouble as well seeing it this way. I know how it feels to be in that place. 'still am in some ways.
I don't want to eat meat anymore. It's going to suck. I've eaten my whole 17 years of life and my body probably won't agree with me. But I think it will be thankful in the long run because of what is in the meat. I'm currently vegetarian until I can learn to hunt. Then and only then will I eat meat again. It's going outside my comfort zone and parts of me don't really want to but I am willing to sacrifice taste for ethics.
Animals are tortured and I take in that energy. Cattle raised just to be eaten. It's sad. I don't want to be part of it anymore so I'm going to try my best not to be. I understand the need to eat and that meat is important to our diet but I don't think the way we do it is right to them or even ourselves. We should respect life if we wish for our own to be respected. I have to be willing to be the change if I wish to see it. And without becoming judgmental of those who don't do the same. All of my efforts go to waste if I become high and mighty about anything I am doing. Because it's where my heart is coming from that matters. I have to remember that and I will try my best to do so. I'm sure I will slip up sometimes but that is part of the learning and growing process.
I'm not going to say on here what I did for dad until he receives it since he may or may not read this blog post but I can't wait to see what he thinks! I may even change the idea up a little because I'm not quite satisfied with it yet.
I think it has been good for me to be at the American Village and interacting with other people. Also, Billy and Noel my supervisors seem to be happy with my work so far so I hope to continue doing my best. I know I have potential in this area and I so want to connect with my characters so that others can as well. So that they can feel what I feel when looking through the eyes of another. There is a message in all our hearts and even the characters we create in stories, movies, plays or pictures show something from within ourselves. They live from within our own minds and realities.
I wish to understand these things so that I can better see what it feels like to suffer others sufferings and live others joys. I want to know why a person is the way they are just for the sake of knowing them.
I want to know my brother's and sister's. And the more I know them, the more I understand of myself. I want to really know what it is that I call life and why it is that I live it the way I do.
With all my love and devotion-
Eli
I've not always been able to spend as much time with my grandfather as I would have wanted to and so I was very happy to spend some time with him tonight. I also finished his gift. It's a painting with the golden ram of Aries coming out of the darkness of the night with the Aries constellation of him. I have scripted onto it, "I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul." So it is really is a mixture of Invictus and his zodiac sign. It turned out how I think it should have. Of course as an artist I have a few critiques here and there but all in all I think it really resembles, "An unconquerable soul."
As I was drawing/painting this picture I kept repeating the lines of Invictus in my mind. Especially, "I thank whatever gods may be for my unconquerable soul." It brings hope back to me. I knew it wouldn't be easy when I re grounded that the weights of life would set in but I remembered the one thing I feared most would be to go back to the way I was before with my eyes closed. I want to be brave. I don't want to cower away even though parts of me wish that I could. I want to continue.
I have concerns here and there with the continual strain on my thoughts, other's issues and then my own with relationships. When I'm first getting to know someone there comes a stage when I feel almost distant from them but in these moments I'm more desperate then ever to be close to them and somehow I feel paranoid I've done something to push them away or maybe I'm wearing them out. I worry that soon they'll drift away from me and become uninterested. Even my counselor I have felt this way about and I feel reluctant to tell him because well, he seems annoyed at times. I know I'm not seeing what is really going on because he's actually a very caring guy. I should give him the benefit of the doubt. It's too bad my doubts don't care for that sort of thing. What am I trying to run from? Other people or myself? Maybe both?
I'm tired of my tainted perspectives that I had before. I know there not even true and yet I slip into them so easily. They tire me and I feel they are really doing me no good.
Perspectives on people, myself and my higher power. All old, not useful.
I was thinking today, "Holy spirit? I want to remember how I saw you when I was in that place. Everything is jumbled here. I don't see you for you are. I want to remember that you love me. That I'm accepted."
I was shown. I hope I can show others. I remember dad saying he was having trouble as well seeing it this way. I know how it feels to be in that place. 'still am in some ways.
I don't want to eat meat anymore. It's going to suck. I've eaten my whole 17 years of life and my body probably won't agree with me. But I think it will be thankful in the long run because of what is in the meat. I'm currently vegetarian until I can learn to hunt. Then and only then will I eat meat again. It's going outside my comfort zone and parts of me don't really want to but I am willing to sacrifice taste for ethics.
Animals are tortured and I take in that energy. Cattle raised just to be eaten. It's sad. I don't want to be part of it anymore so I'm going to try my best not to be. I understand the need to eat and that meat is important to our diet but I don't think the way we do it is right to them or even ourselves. We should respect life if we wish for our own to be respected. I have to be willing to be the change if I wish to see it. And without becoming judgmental of those who don't do the same. All of my efforts go to waste if I become high and mighty about anything I am doing. Because it's where my heart is coming from that matters. I have to remember that and I will try my best to do so. I'm sure I will slip up sometimes but that is part of the learning and growing process.
I'm not going to say on here what I did for dad until he receives it since he may or may not read this blog post but I can't wait to see what he thinks! I may even change the idea up a little because I'm not quite satisfied with it yet.
I think it has been good for me to be at the American Village and interacting with other people. Also, Billy and Noel my supervisors seem to be happy with my work so far so I hope to continue doing my best. I know I have potential in this area and I so want to connect with my characters so that others can as well. So that they can feel what I feel when looking through the eyes of another. There is a message in all our hearts and even the characters we create in stories, movies, plays or pictures show something from within ourselves. They live from within our own minds and realities.
I wish to understand these things so that I can better see what it feels like to suffer others sufferings and live others joys. I want to know why a person is the way they are just for the sake of knowing them.
I want to know my brother's and sister's. And the more I know them, the more I understand of myself. I want to really know what it is that I call life and why it is that I live it the way I do.
With all my love and devotion-
Eli
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Searching
It's been a while since I last posted in here. I guess that's because I've been more busy and also every time I think to do it, I never feel I'll be able to put everything I want to into words. I have so much that I discover on a daily basis and I don't feel like writing down every moment of my life, you know? I kinda' wish I could've captured some of the more important stuff though.
Working at the American Village has been helpful and I'm happy to have some space from my own thoughts. I think and think and think. So I've been unable to write anything tonight. I sat down to write some poetry and as I was doing I became paranoid and gave it up. Plus, I wasn't feeling it as much as I wanted to. It's feels as though there is so much I have to say but I don't know how to put it into words. Maybe it's something I can't explain in words.
I've had a good day, actually but right now I don't want to be writing this at all. My mood has plummeted a bit, I guess my thoughts went somewhere negative. Either way, I'm going to do it. Trying to feel what to write.
I'm thinking about joining a larping game and so that's has me excited.
Sometimes I feel very in touch with myself and those are the times I really wish I could write in here but I am not in one of those places at this current moment. Which kinda' bums me out.
I'm happy it's a full moon tonight
I want to do something for it but I'm not really sure what to do. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I had like a translator to my brain that way I could explain where I am at better.
Not sure what it is but I'm feeling a bit guilty and disgruntled. Other than that, I've been having some really insightful teachings lately such as being brave through the storm.
I hope I really can achieve something more with my efforts. I guess that's why I'm still trying to write something in here.
I don't really mean to sound so unenthusiastic with my own blog or even my own progress. But I also don't want to fact where I am at right now and right now I'm just feeling uneasy. I'm still kinda' trying to figure out why. I don't like when I have so many thoughts in my mind I don't even remember what has set me off balance.
I may post more later~
Working at the American Village has been helpful and I'm happy to have some space from my own thoughts. I think and think and think. So I've been unable to write anything tonight. I sat down to write some poetry and as I was doing I became paranoid and gave it up. Plus, I wasn't feeling it as much as I wanted to. It's feels as though there is so much I have to say but I don't know how to put it into words. Maybe it's something I can't explain in words.
I've had a good day, actually but right now I don't want to be writing this at all. My mood has plummeted a bit, I guess my thoughts went somewhere negative. Either way, I'm going to do it. Trying to feel what to write.
I'm thinking about joining a larping game and so that's has me excited.
Sometimes I feel very in touch with myself and those are the times I really wish I could write in here but I am not in one of those places at this current moment. Which kinda' bums me out.
I'm happy it's a full moon tonight
I want to do something for it but I'm not really sure what to do. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I had like a translator to my brain that way I could explain where I am at better.
Not sure what it is but I'm feeling a bit guilty and disgruntled. Other than that, I've been having some really insightful teachings lately such as being brave through the storm.
I hope I really can achieve something more with my efforts. I guess that's why I'm still trying to write something in here.
I don't really mean to sound so unenthusiastic with my own blog or even my own progress. But I also don't want to fact where I am at right now and right now I'm just feeling uneasy. I'm still kinda' trying to figure out why. I don't like when I have so many thoughts in my mind I don't even remember what has set me off balance.
I may post more later~
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