Missed

I didn't realize it. I really didn't. I...I don't really understand it. I didn't think it was possible for me to truly not understand myself like that.
I should have guessed it when I was talking to Aymee. I really miss Emily. In fact, I can't even explain how much I miss her. I used to see her so much and I don't think I realized how happy she made me. But not just that, I love her so much. I feel like a distance has come between us and really it's partially my fault because I've not tried as hard to hang out with her. I don't know why.
I also didn't know that I could bury my own desires to the point that I didn't feel them at all. And none of it was consciously. How is that even possible? Especially when I try to be aware of myself.
I remember that when I was in that really bad place and one day I talked to Emily on the phone and the effect it had on me. I think she probably doesn't even realize how much I love her or maybe she does but somehow I don't think she does. I could feel and the angels said to me, "Elizabeth, we've never seen this side of you. It's so beautiful. You were laughing and smiling from your heart." And I was, I always do with Emily. I remember that I've always thought of her as my little slice of happiness. That no matter how scary life got she could always make me laugh and make me smile.
When I was younger I used to be really attached to people. I always needed that SOMEONE in my life that I  depended on. Once it was my brother then it was Emily. Even though I helped her a lot through hard times, she didn't really know how much I relied on her. Then Kirene came into the picture and it was also him.
When I went to that really bad place and I watching that ballet and the voices were telling me I would never be able to talk to my friends again and I would have to live the rest of my life alone, that was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me.
Aymee, you were right. The best thing about this life is the people you share it with. And I don't think I really quite let myself feel the pain I buried when I believed I would never be with the one's I loved again. Really, I probably just latched onto my parents as that new person I talk to all the time. But when there wasn't anyone I went to and it was just me in that state, that dependency disappeared but the love didn't.
Tonight, I wanted Emily to come over. She found a show that we have been looking for, for literally 5 years now and she finally found it! It was so great but honestly I was even happier to hear her voice on the phone and to hear her happiness. She kept laughing and I could tell she was really connecting with me. It felt like it always had between us, every doubt erased. If I can ever explain what this meant to me in words, I would. Well, maybe I wouldn't. It's too special to me.
But tonight she couldn't come over because mom didn't want company over and I felt so mad at first since I've not had ANY company in a long time, besides Carla. And especially not Emily. Yet, I didn't argue with her. I was surprised. I was feeling so distraught by not seeing her and trying not to be angry at my mother. Usually with that combination I would've at least tried to convince her. But I didn't. I just felt really sad. I didn't even want my mom to see me cry because somehow even then I knew it wasn't her fault. Even though at the moment she felt very selfish to me but I KNEW that was not the case and even if it was, I could understand. She wanted the house to herself. I've been really selfish before and I still accept myself. I also love my mama and I don't want her to feel used.
But then I came in here to write about how much I missed Emily and I just started crying really, really hard. Harder then I have in a while and I kept having the thoughts run through my mind when I thought I was going to lose my best friend. And not just her but everyone. Yet, especially her. That I knew I would live my life like I was fine. And that was the saddest part. The saddest part is I can numb myself and every time I do, a big part of me that loves them so deeply is hidden away like a berry treasure and hopefully it won't be forgotten.
I don't want to forget these feelings. They hurt like hell and I hate it when I get to this point but somehow it's better then not feeling it at all. I want to feel how much I love someone. Even now, I can't really feel it. I don't feel as distraught but a part of me wants to! A part of me wants to be upset beyond belief and just to feel how much I love that person even if it is crying in agony! I want to know how much I love the person! I want it to be every part of me. I know she is not the only one I do this with but I think it's especially bad because I was so dependent on her and so now there is a big gap and I don't want it to be there.
I didn't realize how much I missed her. How much I missed being able to just love my life with the best friend of my life. I want to do that as soon as I can and we will be able to this weekend so I just have to remember that. And I guess that would make me seem over dramatic and maybe I am being. It felt like I was but it hurt so badly. I think because I haven't seen her in a few months, not even heard her voice. I really have missed my Emily.
We've always said it's like we feel in love except as friends. I hope she hasn't forgotten, either. But, maybe I've hurt her in ways neither of us can understand yet.
I miss you, Emily.
I miss Kirene, too. He's with me in my heart but so much is confusing right now and I hate the doubts I feel about everything and everyone.

Eli