But today I found myself really connected with music and I was just feeling very free so I decided to go outside and love the beautiful sunshine that was covering the whole yard when I thought to go visit Socks grave. I said hello to him and a cold gust brushed against my legs. I could feel him there in some ways. It was really in that moment that I could see that I've truly begun to wake up. My life really is different, now. It's like I've been reborn, literally. But this is the world I remember. I don't really know why I say 'remember' but it feels more real to me then anything else. THIS is my life. My true life. It's like I was always dreaming of it before but now I am living it.
Tonight at the revival I said to mom before we went, "Let's dedicate this to Samuel. Just keep our minds focused on him." When we first arrived and everyone began praying in the began, I started praying for Samuel and this wave of energy shot up my legs. I could hear everyone's voices speaking, it was magical. I felt like I was in this wave of words and all them humbled to the power they could feel. The energy made my body begin to shake slightly and for the first time, I started speaking in tongues. I never have before, not like that. But it came out of me as though I were chanting some ancient language. But I felt it. It was the words of blessing for Samuel. So beautiful.
The preachers from Africa were amazing and I always love how God can speak so personally to you and like five other people at the same time with totally different situations with just on sentence. They were saying it was no coincidence they came all this way to talk to us that night. It wasn't. They started by talking about how you shouldn't give up on the people you care about, don't stop praying. They even said, "Some of you don't have your sons here tonight but don't give up."
- Be determined.
- Don't quit on him because he hasn't quit on you
- Be in the spirit
- Follow God or follow trouble
Mom and I went to the front of the church to be prayed for to help our spiritual awareness be awoken. And he did pray for both of us. He said for me to be wary of those I associate with and that I have forces working very hard against me. Someone prayed for me in tongues. It was very beautiful. I prayed for a few people and when I sat down I was given the scripture verse 1 Samuel chapter 2. It's where Samuel hears the voice of God and at first doesn't realize why he does. He is able to HEAR God. That is his gift. But I didn't even realize that until just know that, that was the whole point of me reading that.
When he was younger he heard someone call out his name, "Samuel!" And when he told his parents they said they had not called him. But it happened again and dad told him to say to him just as Samuel did in the bible. But he did not say his name again. Yet, I know Samuel believed it was God. I hope that one day I can tell Samuel this and it will spark something within him. When I was praying for him, I said, "Be with Samuel in the way that is right for him." I remember what I meant was maybe Christianity is not his way but God has written many books and is a very diverse God because we are a diverse people. He can still connect with him and that's when I started speaking in tongues. That is also when I felt a shiver run across my skin as though I'd realized something very important that God wanted me to see. I just feel he needs my help right now but I don't know really what to do. Anyone who knows him or even if you don't, keep him in your heart and send him love, please. He needs it more now then ever. I can't even explain it but the other day I heard, "Elizabeth." and no one was around. Plus I could tell it was in my mind, it ALMOST sounded like it wasn't but I could still tell.
The voice immediately reminded me of Samuel. The voice sounded like when he was concerned. It also almost sounded like Kirene...So, I just wasn't sure. And then something like, "Wouldn't be able to hear that." I don't know. I was being called to and I know that. But was it God? Was it Samuel? It was someone and they sounded worried. I love you, Samuel. I'm sorry if I'm not always the one I wish I could be but I want more then anything in this world for you to be happy.
I think that is important. I think people's happiness IS more. That being happy and believing in fighting for meaning in life go hand in hand. I believe that the things that truly matter are what make you happy. I also think that you don't have to sacrifice yourself. I believe the true sacrifice is to a lie! WHY can't we be happy? It's a fight to be happy. You and I both know we can never be blind to the truth. Do you think I am blind just to be happy? Do you really think I would choose that? I wanted to. I won't lie. God, I wanted to hide myself so bad when I was going through the stuff I was but I knew I had to be true to myself and myself would always want me to be honest with myself.
Please, Samuel, be honest with yourself. "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
Who are you not to be happy, Samuel? Who are you not to be the brightest, most brilliant star in the sky, my brother? Because you are. You shine in this world like no other man I've ever seen. Don't hide that and don't be afraid any longer to be that person.
I think it feels like giving up? That if you were to do that, you'd be giving up on what's most important but maybe what's most important is waiting for you to see it for what it is. It's not like life is ever going to be easy no matter what path you go down but you should at least be able to enjoy it along the way. We're only promised today, afterall, right? I will support you anywhere you go but I support YOU, not things that I feel hurt you. I don't want you to feel so alone or whatever is going on right now and I am here. With you. Always.
I.L.U - Integrity, Love, Unity
Goodnight Moon and goodnight noises everywhere~
I'm going to go do my P.M. yoga now and then dream! I would like to request that people pray for me to untangle this confusion I have with my own personal affairs. I feel I know but I want to be more certain.
I love you all.
- Eli
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