Music from within

Do you think everyone has a song inside their soul and in a lot of ways the closest thing we've had to the language of the heart is music?
I don't know. But I've really been close to music all my life and I even wanted to sing for a long time. I mean, I do sing to myself sometimes but for a long time I never really sang anymore. People say they like my voice but I feel there is more I want to present then my voice is capable of. I like my voice and I think if I could use it better it would share with the world my own music inside.
I wrote a song for the first time since I wrote that song for Aymee. It's simply labeled, "Remember Me." I'm not ready to put it out for anyone to read. I'd rather just share it through my voice or maybe even someone else's. I don't know. It feels like there is something inside of me that is desperate to be free and it keeps coming out in the se many different forms. But, seriously, I am very connected to the song that I made. I also found myself playing my recorder again. I really want to make music but I do have many things I want to do.
I've always dreamed of one day sharing music with others and maybe speak to their hearts. It's the only way I know how to communicate on that level. But I have begun to see there are others ways and people really are listening.
While writing the song I really was trying to stay in touch with the feeling within me that tries to speak without words.
Last night I was feeling so great and connected with myself and then I had this weird thing happen to me before I went to bed. I'm not even really quite sure what it was.
All I know is it's like someone else made my own voice say, "Fluke." And for some reason that word inspired giddiness in my so I kept saying it. But I began feeling strange, like something was shaking me from within. I tried to ignore it so I could go to sleep and ignore the tightness on my throat. I also had an odd daydream without trying to while half awake and it was like I was imagining something pure getting devoured by this darkness and that felt 'good' to me. I asked myself, "Why would I desire destruction?" And then I remember that I always had. When I was younger I broke everything I had and on purpose. Not to hurt others but I like how it felt to break things...chew things...tear things. I dunno'. It's ironic since my brother was always the meticulous builder. I like feeling things become soft and malleable in my hands then creating something completely different with them. I've worked really hard to ignore this part of myself. I know it's there and I know it's not just some influence from outside forces. I HAVE always believed that even if outside forces make you feel strange in even inhumanly ways, it can only happen if you already have an inner lying issue that you can deal with. Personally, I prefer seeing it this way since at least then I have the ability to do something about it. But I'd think I could do something about it no matter what. It just cuts out the middle man of someone else or feeling like they have some kind of control over you.
While I was sleeping I kept waking up feeling very uncomfortable. Something 'showing' me that I wasn't really believing in myself.
Or maybe I wasn't quite the same as someone who was a being to be believed in. I've been shown this before...like I just wasn't doing it 'right'. I know what I tell myself but when I am asleep I believe it so easily.
This happened to me EVERYTIME!! I was in that difficult state. I dreaded sleeping. So many times I would be in a good place and then in my dreams I was someone changed. I remember my sleeping self saw things differently. This didn't happen every time but it did a lot. There is still so much for me to face about myself that I don't know or understand but I'm really trying to do it in a way that is still going forward towards MY truth. That I can be happy along the way and I won't forget to enjoy life or truly live it. I want to make love the most important thing to me since it's meaning for me.
I'm trying to recreate myself.
But really, I'm trying to refind myself.
"I won't stand for nothing."

-Eli