So, what does it mean to let go without giving up?
I've been under a dark cloud lately because of some much needed grief. There is a friend I have and I know it's time that we go our different ways. For the longest time I thought that surely this wasn't spiritual when I could still feel how special she was to me. And then I realized it....I'm never going to stop loving her and trying to bury that would only hurt me. I'm never going to stop seeing her as someone special or someone I'd want in my life but I know it's too late, now. I've reached the point that I don't want to put the effort into anymore and they are many things that I can't have in my life anymore. I need boundaries and I have to be true to myself. I also don't want to change her because I respect her free will. But I know if I pushed anymore I'd be hurting us both. It was the weirdest thing to really realize that sometimes the one's you love the most you have to let go of when you only want to hold on tighter.
But I really do want to do what the true love inside of me calls me to do. It's what is most important to me, that while being true myself, I am true to her. I don't want support destructive behavior but at the same time I don't want to take away the right to decided whether one can be destructive to themselves or not. Obviously, I have my own wishes but my strongest one is that people have the right to decide what they do with their lives. I love you all but I'd rather live alone then be in a codependent relationship or in an unhealthy relationship. Life is waaay too short. And the truth is you can learn a lot on your own and you can also enjoy life in your own company!
I'm really getting better about believing in myself and faith in my own heart. I'm getting a better self image. I'm not a victim and I don't want other people to feel I want them to see me that way. I'm getting a lot better about being able to smile and trust my own heart even with others don't seem to agree.
I've been having faith in the truth, more. I really want to keep growing. I want to keep living this way. Trusting myself and still being willing to listen to others.
I've noticed that I'm better at being willing to change and listen to constructive criticism when I am believing in myself. When I am not, everything is already so overwhelming. It's scary and it's horrible. It's second nature for me to doubt myself, for me to think I am wrong. And yes, literally, that I am wrong. Who I am, what I am. What I do. How I feel. How I am. Everything about me...Wrong.
But I don't even believe that anymore. We're all here living and just learning to really live. Sometimes we really mess up and sometimes for a really, really really long time. And it's so scary to me to believe that I could become someone truly unlovable but after going through the experience I did, I know it's always possible to go to really dark places. Even now, I could be back there tomorrow and I have to hope that I'll be willing to forgive myself for it. That's why I am so happy that true love is unconditional. Because no matter what I do, what I say. I will always be loved. Always. And I will always love others.
But I do understand that my actions have consequences and when I hurt others it's going to be coming back to me. I want it to be this way. True love isn't the same thing as codependency and so I know that if I was too much, other people might have to leave my life. I pray to God that I could let them go, too. That I'd see, that I'd understand that sometimes people leave.
Maybe it's not forever. I think it's not. I think that we'll all be together again in place where we don't have to worry about hiding the true love we have for each other but even if I can only spend one moment with you in this world, this life. I think that moment will be special to me.
I think I am going to really grow from this experience and it's so weird that I can say that now. Life really is changing for me. I just feel like a musical instrument, learning to be strong enough not to snap but flexible enough to bend. And just like a guitar string, I make a musical note. I'm starting to see the importance...the meaning in everything that happens in my life.
When I lost Socks, when he died. I was so sure it would be crushing. I used to have nightmares of the possibility of losing him. I wanted him to live with me forever, even if it seemed impossible I wanted to be with Socks all my life. I said that he would live forever with me.
Man, Socks has always been my best friend. I grew up with that guy and he's always been there for me. Then he was gone from this world. I was really scared for a moment. I felt the crush of overwhelming pain. I...God, I couldn't understand. But when I finally left his side after he had been buried. I could feel him there. He was telling me everything was alright. That it was him time to leave and he was happy. He was proud of me and what I'd accomplished in life. It was as though he was saying to me, "Good luck on the rest of your journey. I'm not gone, we're just on different paths now." It happens in this sort of life, different paths. The love in our hearts will always be what keeps us together but sometimes we have to look in different directions. It's sad but in a bittersweet sort of way. When I grieved him, it was different. It was beautiful, actual. Because it was from love. Not a lie, like that he was gone for good or that our love died. Love is eternal, it will never die. And that's how I'm feeling about my friend. It's sad but it's bittersweet. It's aching in a different sort of way since the separation is of my choice and I know that. Yet I also know that it's not giving up.
"Hold on to the love you know, you don't have to give up to let go."
Next step in my life is to really grieve. I feel a lot younger from the pain I've let go of but there are still some things I need to grieve. I still has some fears lurking in my chest. I've begun to realize they aren't of other things but of things within my own heart and mind that I fear and have no accepted. And even if there is or was something out there messing with my fears, it can only exaggerate an actual feeling. When I realize that, I already begin to feel better because the truth surely is;
"I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul." I don't think God wants us to have codependent relationship with him, either. I feel that he believe in True Love more then anyone. And True Love is not codependency. We should see him more as we would a father or a teacher. And in that aspect, yes, he has things to teach us and it's good to listen to him but it's not good to think that your problem will be solved for you. He'll help us but we have to be willing to do something about it. And eventually a parent has to let their child fall when learning to walk. We're not alone, we have support but the reigns are left to us. Because that's what it means to have free will.
Anyway, I have to go to the American Village tomorrow so I need to go ahead and go to bed but I've not posted in so long so I really wanted to squeeze one in. I have to keep remembering to post in here or it's going to stop happening at all.
I'm trying to get my license before I turn 18 and that's in a few months. I also want a car but that can only happen when I have a job and right now I am working at the American Village. I also may be having to learn a script with a limited amount of time and so I can only hope that I can preform that well. I trust myself with that, though. I feel kinda shitty though because I lost my American Village folder. And sure, someone can let me borrow their script but I HATE coming into a job of any kind without all the things I'm expected to have. I want to be a capable person to work with. But, again, I live with my consequences and sulking over my actions will only assist me in making worse one's. I really need to work on remembering things better.
I've been doing yoga lately and it's been REALLY helpful. Not only do I feel better but even my spirituality has improved. It's really amazing how simple things like that can help so much. Keep your living space in order, your thoughts are more in order and you gain more focus. Do your chores and get immediate gratification, easier to accept yourself with love. Eat healthy and exercise, easier to deal with major problems that before seemed unrelenting.
I'm having good things happen in my life that I've NEVER had happen before. This year has been by far one of the most beneficial changes for me in a long time if ever. Every new years crazy new things would be introduced to me but this is really the beginning of something great, I feel. I'm soooo happy. GOD. I'm so grateful. I really am.
I thankful to all of you. I'm thankful to the people in my life who have loved me and helped me through some of those really hard times. I am thankful to ALL being who helped me along. I am thankful to God.
I will always be thankful.
It just feels like you all gave me this really precious gift that only can be felt by the heart but I hold onto it so carefully because it's so important to me and all I can feel is gratitude. Because none of you did that for anything more then that you loved me.
It's was just love. And that's the gift I feel blooming in my heart.
I told my mom tonight that I felt like inside everyone had a flower. I kinda' see us all as flowers. And when we're scared or when we don't really feel connected with ourselves the flower petals close up and no one can see the light hidden within them unless they really look. We're all really good at burying this flower but when it opens up, it's fragrance is over powering. I think of them as sun flowers, each one holding it's on light. Some of them are the softest fragrance, as fragile as the petals attached it and others are bittersweet with thorns. But no matter if they are soft, strong or serene. They are all potent. It's this little gift we all have within us and it's our choice whether we want to see the gift or if we want to ignore it.
I wanna know this flower inside of me. I want to let this light shine as bright as it can and other people feel its warmth. I want to shine with all my heart and know that no matter who I love, it's a love worth given.
I am happy. I feel that. Who I really am is happy. I'm so happy that I cry and I know to to just enjoy this moment. Because I know I normally am afraid of just enjoying life for all it is, right here, now. Because I've had faith in fear for a long time. It's hard for me to believe there is such a beautiful world. But it's here. It is. Thank-you...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S57Gc8PSIO8
I leave everyone with this video!
Eli <3
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