Since it's kinda' late, I don't want to rant on too much but I really want to touch on the subject of codependency. As my father said, "Codependency is often times mistaken for love but really it is not at all and is very unhealthy." Codependency is when you feel dependent and feel the other person is dependent on you for survival. It will make you feel guilty for things you can't control or isn't your fault at all. It will make you feel overly needy and you will find yourself obsessing. This is NOT love. I have found true love to be the most freeing thing you can ever experience. Oh yes, there is a deep connection but it's nothing like codependency. And codependency doesn't seem to bad at first, you feel very close to the person and you are. But it's not healthy, it's like you are trying to BECOME that person, in some ways. You are not anyone but yourself and you have to remember that. I see it as an assassin, trying to make something potentially beautiful into something extremely destructive and unhealthy. It's the ego's way of seeing things, really. Feeling like you NEED someone is not healthy. You don't need anyone, what you need is for them to be true to themselves and for you to always be true to yourself and thus being true both of each other. Whether that be breaking things off or toughing it through. And yes, I do believe there are moments where you need someone to help you through things but that's different then being codependent to someone.
It's like what I was saying to my mother earlier tonight, "I don't think it's really good to promise someone forever for anything except that you're going to love them. Love is the only thing that doesn't need anything to stay sustained. It just is. Just like you're always going to love me no matter what I become; you may feel pain if I am very destructive to myself or even anger but you will always love me. Love is the only thing truly eternal because it survives through anything. It's true, after all."
Love will accept things no matter what. If someone in your life has to leave because you are on different paths, even if it ends badly. You will still love that person when you are being honest with yourself. With true love you can let someone go and no you will never TRULY let them go because you love them and this is a very freeing way to live. You can be true to who you are and I can be true to who I am. I will always love you but I will also always go with the tide of my life. This is not destructive. Any other way and stop someone from being able to live their life truly. You will be chaining them down and eventually something will go wrong. Nature pulls to it whatever energy is required. Whether that be a chaos storm that will wreck your life around but help you to break free. It seems cruel and a lot of times I still think it is but it's not evil. It's just the way we work. I don't think it always has to be so terrible, yes sometimes, we cannot help it. But the more aware of who you are as a person and the more fluid you are in the way in live your life the less life will have to break down your stone wall with a hurricane. Love does what someone needs because it honestly cares about you and doesn't want to help you to stay in something destructive for you or others.
I read someone say, "Those of you who can go off and do your own thing without feeling terrible from being away from the one's you love, in my humble opinion you are not in love."
I don't want to be in love if that is what love is. I don't ever want to be so brain warped by someone that I can't even live life anymore. That sounds like a nightmare to me, not beautiful. That's when the beautiful becomes a prison. Where the very thing that is supposed to be most special to you, chains you down. I'm sorry if others feel differently and I mean no offense but this is my blog so I will write my feelings how they honestly are down.
Kirene and I have a relationship like this. We've lasted for years and still no fights. Don't get me wrong, we've been through a lot together. But on a daily basis we are on good terms with one another. We obviously both love each other very much and I think we both wanted something very much. True love. Nothing else, nothing more, nothing less.
It is because he has tried his best to share with me and I have tried my best to share with him only the truest love, I can go months on end without speaking to him and still feel sustained. I am not only sustained but have a place of inner peace. True love changes a person, transforms them and helps them return to their truest form. It's honestly when I first started feeling different about life. Happiness and peace that transcended all other things. It gave me wisdom that I'd never before experienced. I was powered by this love and freed by it. Sometimes I fear losing him. Sometimes I fear many things but when I find deep within that true love, I just hope that I will always do what is best for him and know what is right for me as well. He is someone so special that I want to treat him exactly how he should be. Be true to both him and me. We both really love each other so we both want what is truly best for us both. I want that for him. And I don't want to be codependent with him or anyone else for that matter.
There are still some matters with a couple of relationships that I have to figure out. Let's see how it goes. Now I really must get sleep.
-Eli
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