Face life head on

Tonight I began thinking about my life and how the people I love I've either been feeling distant from or there is just SOMETHING. I've been feeling very lonely. I've been wanting more time to spend with many people. I was thinking about how some times I felt like this fabulous person and then other times the worst kind of person. I saw how sometimes I felt better then everyone and sometimes worse then everyone else. And then I saw it more clearly then I ever had. It...REALLY didn't matter about that kind of stuff. We're seriously aren't better or worse. We're just us. And that's not indifference. That's being.
Then I started feeling sadness and I was thinking, "You've been feeling enough sadness!" I was feeling sadness because I missed people. But then I thought, "Why is always about what I 'should' feel?" What about just what I feel? Maybe I should let myself just feel, for once. And I felt it. I just wanted to feel and even if I felt there was more that I could be I wanted to be able to really live. I didn't want to keep suppressing myself. I liked speaking out loud to myself because at east then I was speak honestly. And I WANT that so badly. I want to get my feelings across to others. I've been watching this anime and the girl had this magical violin that made her play beautifully but she really loved the violin and still put her heart into it. So when the magic broke, she wasn't skilled at all but it would still pull you in because she loved it. Everyday she would keep practicing and she began to get better! She faced the violin head on and the reason was because she loved it and that's was reason enough for her.
I see that I want to face life head on because I love it.
And the pain I feel is not vain it's a reminder that I am alive. Because I know I don't just feel my pain but see how EVERYONE hurts. We hurt because we all could be so much more, we all could have so much more love in our lives and yet we just bury it all and act as if it doesn't even matter. Of course it hurts. There is still a lot of pain I'll need to face.
But I was thinking about what Aymee said, "It's not really worth it without the one's you love." It's so true. I'm so thankful for this life. The people who've been in it. The joys I felt from them and my own self. Even the pain. The deep pain that has showed me just how truly alive I am. For God, I will always be thankful.
I can tell myself this is how I should be. I am who I am and I need to face this person head on as well. And it's through acceptance without expectation and truth that someone can truly grow and can truly heal.
I hope I'll find this strength within to do this.
Eli