Honesty

So lately I am learning how to speak without a lot of words. I am learning how to speak with my heart.
For so long I've had an issue with expressing myself. One day I was walking at the park with my mom and said to her, "I don't really know what to say. Sometimes, I have trouble speaking. It's like I want to say something that there aren't words for and she told me, 'It's okay, you don't have to say anything.'" And somehow that just struck me. I didn't HAVE to speak, did I? What was I so worried about.
I've been so damn concerned about what other people think. I think of myself like an animal. I don't mean anyone any harm but if I let myself loose people will get hurt and they wouldn't like me. When I was younger I didn't have this person 'tamed'. But I'm not 'stupid' I could see the problem it was going to give me so I decided to silence my real voice and speak with a voice that wasn't my own. I lied. I have been lying for so long that I don't remember my own truth, a lot of the times and it is still very much like a child relearning how to simply live. But I speak with not just my words but my whole being. The other night when my mother was having a problem I took her hands in mine and look her straight in the eyes and told her, "I love you, mom." I was tearing up because I couldn't help it but there was a smile on my face, in my eyes. I was showing her that everything was going to be okay with my heart not my words. Consequently she felt better after that.
Today, my friend was telling me something and at first I was going going to say, "Oh, I understand-bla bla bla." Try to appeal to them. Always so worried I would hurt someone over telling them the truth. The truth DID hurt when I heard it but it saved my freaking life. The truth is not always sugar coated, it's real and it makes us face things about ourselves that we don't always want. But I was honest with her and she didn't freak. I eventually did see some more of her side but even now I haven't immediately responded to her last response worried that she would want an immediate response but I'm going to think it through before I answer.
I just want to be me and if other people don't like it then there really isn't anything I can do about it because I am who I am. I am not as I thought I was. I'm so out of control that anything comes from my mouth or the 'animal' makes me do really stupid rash things. I am not completely letting go of control but I won't suffocate myself anymore or be ashamed of who I am. Yes, I have strong views. Yes, I am happy and yes I love life and people very much. It's who I am. I hate watching other people in pain because I can relate and I just want to hold them but sometimes I do get tired of it. When I see people suffering so horribly and then they don't do anything to change their circumstances, I become impatient and I don't want to say to them, "Do something to change it!" But I know it's not always that simple for people and it is pretty hard to be in a good place all the time. I'm not a walking example of someone always happy with their life. Though there is much more passion in my life!
I really want to express myself better. To get my feelings through to other people. To learn the difference from being truthful and honest. To speak with my heart and not just with my mind. Because I am more then just a body. I am also a soul with a spirit and my love doesn't just love within my mind. It has it's own home from which it originates. Anything can be used with love but everything has a time and place. Dad always used to say, there is a time and place for everything. I still believe this very much.
I've been wanting to write more music lately, just overall be more creative. I've been writing some really inspiring excerpts...I feel that I really am changing. It's like the whole world is waking up with me.
~Eli