Here I am again and tonight I really did want to write. Talking to mom who is here with me didn't seem like a good idea since she was busy and in her own place. I won't be like that always but it's important to me not to put too much burden on someone. I like being able to work some things out on my own, as well. So some interesting things happened the other day and it was really great actually. Not to mention that I saw Harry Potter!! Ahh!!
Anyway, I was shown some kinda' hard concepts the other day but they gave me a lot of relief. I realized what I really needed to do with my friend and that it's okay to face our fears even if we have to admit that we're really scared. Our fears are reflections of things we have to grow and learn or maybe pains in our life.
It was interesting and a lot of totem work was used. I didn't end up getting to talk to my friend about what I wanted to but I will soon enough.
That day I also was just embracing the pain I was feeling, not strengthening the feelings or trying to push them away. And some insecurities that I only get when I am around other people was acting up out of nowhere while I was completely by myself. It's really the worst kind of feeling and it's been coming alot. Along with dreams with a lot of grief or guilt.
I'm really tired of feeling this feeling around people, around myself. I was feeling so certain of myself and then of course again I believed I shouldn't. It just sucks to not feel comfortable in your own skin. But I am dealing with things that I've not dealt with for years so it's not really the easiest of feats.
I found myself talking about Harry Potter to dad on my drive back home to my mom's and I remembered that sense of warmth with the magic of the first movie and how Hogwarts really was a place of the heart for me and a lot of other people. It's like I said to dad, "If it should tell us anything it's that a lot of us desire more magic in our lives then we have now."
"You live in a lovely world in ways you can't imagine."
I began feeling so content and I just hugged my dad. As we drove I felt so light and younger. I remember listening to a song that used to give me a very 'old soul' feeling. And it definitely resonated with me still but I still felt so light and not like I was longing for something that wasn't here. I heard that this was being satisfied. But I began feeling worried.
It was almost feeling like I was giving up. How could I be content when I wasn't all that I wanted to be yet or my life? And giving up those feelings made me feel...I don't know...like I didn't have as much depth. But I remember that weight on my heart and I don't want it back but I do feel like I'm letting go of something that...It's not loss of personality but a part of me feels that way! Why is happiness associated with something like that in my mind?! Like I want to do something meaningful but little do I realize is sometimes it IS important to be happy. And why does it always have to be some kind of sacrifice? What's wrong with enjoying the ride? It's like being a child to me doesn't seem safe, either. I feel this way I can't be taken off guard or I am being 'mature'. There is a part of me that doesn't want to give up so bad that I try to hard and not in the right way.
It's like it feels like trying to be happy without anything changing feels like giving up. Like I was somehow different from everyone else. And I understood there was MORE to life. But there is more! And we don't have to suffer all the time. I want to get to understand love more and more. This has lead me nowhere good.
I remember when I was in that strange place and there was a time when all the different parts of me teamed up to go to my heart to see why I still had heartbreak. And there, there was girl with black hair and she was telling us that, "You won't change my mind. I love my sadness, it's beautiful and no one can take it away from me. It's the one thing I can trust." I tried to show her there was more to life and it was true, this part of me felt very old and maybe there was something beautiful about her or well, bittersweet but it wasn't the true me and it never will be.
I want so badly to do this 'right'. To be strong. And then, ugh! I let these feelings stop me and these incorrect views. It's in these moments my throat gets tight and I really can't stand having to deal with anymore but I'm damn determined. I WANT a life that I truly live in. I don't really know how to just let myself grieve. It's like Laurie told me that maybe I shouldn't cry from my mind but my heart. I have a way of numbing myself out and so if I'm not thinking about it I probably won't be able to feel it.
It's almost as if I'm expecting someone is going to tell me, "Yes, now you have the right to be happy." It sounds bad but sometimes it's hard to feel that people care or that people don't constantly judge like I try so hard not to do. I want to see people and myself for who we really are. It's like I was telling Skye, "Once you taste it you'll never be able to settle for anything less." I know just the beginning of how brilliant life can be. I don't want to settle and truthfully I don't see it being very meaningful for me to settle.
I remember my friend and I used to talk about a 'sadness' that stayed with us and it was like an old soul 'sadness' it was almost as if one of timeless, or it felt timeless. But really, it was very old. I had really felt was it was like to feel timeless. I feel that probably a few years back we all went through something that really changed our outlook on life it was that desire for something more. For everything we believed in not to die in vain.
For everything I've ever been not to die in vain.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kf1G2kteTfM&feature=related
~ Eli
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