Beliefs

Belief. It's something that I don't always understand. In fact, there are times when I feel like I don't understand a damn thing about myself or anything else for that matter. This is a more recent feeling and not something I had much trouble with in the past. I had come to a place where even if I didn't understand everything I had a peace in my heart. I was certain that I'd...what? Be okay? That I had meaning? I'm not sure.

I did a lot of work today after spending some time with a friend and that did feel good. Afterwards, I felt flustered and I knew that I wanted closeness with my higher power. I hate how all the doubts, a lot of them old, come flooding back in and it affects me like I'm heartbroken. It's more pivotal that I don't have faith in them because when I do it really throws me off balance.

I feel, sometimes, like I'm in this shell...no, this delusion, that I want to break out of. Like there is somehow a truer part of myself that I want to reveal to other people, to myself and I just don't know how. 

I have spent a lot of my time looking through the eyes of others and forgetting about my own. It's been a big factor of how I've gotten into some messes. 

And again I come back to the question: Elizabeth, what is YOUR truth? What IS my truth?

When I went outside to speak with God. I told him, "I know that I am having trouble talking with you and just seeing you for who you are to me and who I believe you really are. I want you to know that I do love you. I want your help but a part of me hates not feeling like I can support myself. I am so tired of saying sorry, sorry, sorry. But sorry. Sorry for being distant and sorry for not knowing how I feel." I remembered wondering if God would speak to me out loud or...some kinda of sign but instead of that I got an immediate knowing. I recalled the signs that I'd been given in the past but that I only received them when I needed them most and when I was willing to believe. Because it's all about free will. God will respect the path I am going down and knows when I just need to flesh something out. Belief is important but sometimes finding oneself means exploring places that aren't really true to yourself.