So, I've been doing a lot of yoga lately and it's surprising how much I love it. Being that in tuned with my body is very strengthening. I've been a bit more focused on what I want to do but I still find myself feeling like there is so much more for me to do. I also think it's my own perception of things that needs work.
Today, I asked for some inspiration to write and this is what I got:
I’ve taken you this far, yet
To show you of a dream
That exists within a dream
Falling asleep, now, here we go
There is still a word that you must learn
Before you will understand
My heart
Truth
~
It’s what you make it
And it will never change your faith
In the unknown
For even the truth has a way of slipping away
When you are afraid
It’s in your eyes, I find myself falling
And down I go
Something so possessed
With fear and feelings of
My death
Is so bright!
Oh, the places we go
When we’re falling in love
And falling out of our worldly cares
Silence rains after the flames
Subside
Danger, danger! Everything in you screams
Do you remember what it feels like to be born?
Every writhing curl of your small arms?
And what about the distinct feeling of danger…
Every wrong direction away from the light and there was pain
This is when darkness was our home
Soft
Safe
And yet we fled
To the light of our lives
For we are pioneers of our pain
And even in the darkest fright
We will always be able to see that light
A fire is scorching you inside
I say, oh
I was once consumed in my own fires
Silence broke my faith
In myself
A world raged around me but I was no longer a part of it
I felt I had never been farther from home
Then, as the phoenix from the ashes
Arisen!
From the shame of yesterday
I am born again
Oh, qualms of life
It creeps in like a cold draft
And where is home if not
Within?
But when we’re lost to our own despair…
So careless
WAKE UP
The dream is over
Can you tell the difference from your truth
And the worlds ways of testing your will to change
Fight
Fight to be born again
The light is always there
You just have to remember what you’re looking for
This isn’t an escape from life
This is birth into it
Be who ever you may be
Out there, waiting for an answer to all your questions
I still ask
I still wonder
Yet
There is one question
That has always been answered
Who am I really?
I am a Child of Love
And that is God
~
Believin’
Is
Seein’
I don't really know where else to share it since it's not something I want to put on my facebook. I never know what is going to offend someone. And it's not that I want to always be caring about that but I really don't feel like hearing it from them.
So I looked back over a lot of Kerli's old blogs that I read when she posted them in 2009 and they meant even more to me now. I could actually see exactly where she was coming from. I feel I'm on similar path as her. But I still don't want to get so wrapped up in her path that I forget my own.
I feel there is still more for me to learn that I don't quite grasp yet but I'm trying my best to remain diligent. I've not been as successful with staying positive and that's been bothersome. The only time I really had problems with depression is when I was first hitting puberty and a lot of difficult stuff started happening in my life with family and other things. But I also didn't understand things like I do now.
I feel like maybe it's a part of me that has come to that place of not being certain about what I am doing. Like having one foot in and one foot out which makes it SO much harder to do what I want to do. When first re grounding a while back I finally made my mind up on what I wanted to do and when things came to test me I still chose it. But lately I've been coming off kilter, it's aggravating. I feel like I'm wasting my life on feelings that I feel I am ready to move passed. I try to understand it and all I can say is I'm afraid of something or maybe I'm just disappointed in myself. That's a reoccurring theme with me. I want so badly to be strong and to diligently do what I want to do. It almost feels like certain parts of me are just unwilling to work with me on what I want to do. That is usually a sure sign that I should stop and see what is going on with myself. And maybe to some degree I already understand. A part of me feels that since I understand so much more now I should interact better with people in ways that will truly change their lives. That judgement should be a thing of the past and so should my insecurities. But that's expecting WAY too much out of myself. And then I can practically hear that urgent voice, "No, Elizabeth, you shouldn't just want to, you NEED to." And I know that it is so important that I send out these helpful and healing vibes and the way I live is not a game but I still have a lot of growing to do. And I've already tried to change overnight, it doesn't work, no matter how much you want it to. Transformation and change takes time and effort that you've gotta' put into it each and every day. And you will continue to learn something new with each effort. I do find myself believing that I'm treading water at times, though. I get nervous that I'm falling back into my old ways or nothing has changed within me but I need to understand now that I really AM in a growing phase in my life and there are just going to be those turbulent days. It's not going to be easy peasy pumpkin squeeze-y all the time. And there very well may be days that I doubt everything, that I have faith in terrible things and that I can't even believe there really is a higher power out there who loves and cares about me or that my journey will not lead to eventually disaster or something that I can never make up from. Some days I'll really feel there is a reason to be scared out of my fucking mind and that's okay. Because that's part of growing up and that's part of learning who you are and all that goes with it. But that doesn't mean I stop trying. I do keep trying and keep growing and keep striving to be the best that I can possibly be. I DO want to try to enjoy as much as I can, though. Because life is so freaking beautiful and that's something I really don't want to miss out on. I love it and I love you. I love you all. :]
Thank-you.
Eli
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