Choice

Everyday I'm given choices and it's up to me on what I decide. Do I let my past rule me? Do I let my feelings change my former decisions?
I have a path I feel I want to go down but sometimes I wonder if it's possible which is something I rarely wonder. I believe anything is possible but even this seems unlikely to me. I know it's possible and I think it really is what I want to do. Yet, maybe what I doubt is that I can do it.
The more I try to be understanding, the more I find myself failing to understand. And yet when things come naturally to me I do see it is possible for this path. Mentally talking to my higher power today I was thinking about what I spoke of before with needed to believe before I could see and yet in the moment I least expected it I saw the world in bold letters, "Choice." I knew I was being shown that I was being given a choice.
How will I live this life, where will I take it?
I think I feel like something is really missing or maybe I am getting discouraged too easily. I feel I have to choose what it is I believe. I don't know, though. I know there is more to it all but I need to be able to keep moving forward. A big part of me feels like I need to just, "wake up". This is probably because I'm not as in tuned with myself right now and I have that longing feeling in my heart as though I'm trying to find my way back home.
I feel that I have an honest challenge. I can see it and I saw it fully that night of watching Powder. This is not going to be easy and it will be the one path that tests my courage, the most. I'm still not getting it, yet. I KNOW I can do more. I know that is what I want. I want to be as courageous as possible and do this. I need this world to know there is more to life and in a lot of ways, I need to know this myself. It always starts to fade in my heart when I can't act upon. I've seen all the proof I would need to believe but it is really true that proof has never been what belief places it's truth upon.
"The very part of you that is of love will either heal you or drive you insane, you choose." It is that desperation inside of us that drives most of us to drink or do insane things. I know I am person who cannot simply fade out of existence and if I did...what a waste, is all I can think.
All I can think about is that surely I will make it but I know that's not what this is all about. What is it that I'm waiting for, again? I've come back to this place of unease and I know I've been in this place too many times before.
I want to believe that it's possible
That it's possible to show the world that we're not all broken, wasted creatures spiraling
This is my chance and I know it. I want this person so badly to wake up inside of me. Should I accept it for what it is or what it could be? This choice.
Every beautiful moment of life. I want to treasure it. If only this be my wish, God, please- please. Never let me feel this life is wasted!
All these feelings inside of me, crowding my beings. They are ghosts of a girl that doesn't exist anymore. I only exist. The me who is here, RIGHT now. That is who is alive and breathing and even now, I am changing constantly. But surely there is a part of me that can transcend the ebb and flow of life. More then just a cog in the wheel, a wall flower. But truly something that is unchangeable, someone true. Reawakening to me. But I know I can't do that until I really understand what I'm all about and until I really live for it and live with it. I have to understand to really love one and another.
I dunno', let's just see where this goes~

Eli