Sunday will be father's day and instead of just preparing a gift for my papa I am also making one for my grand father. He is my father, father. I watched Mrs. Doubtfire with him tonight and that was really nice. I kept hearing the words at the end in my mind. "As long as you have love, that is a bond that ties you together and you will always have a family in your heart." It made me think of many people. Some related and some not. But all of them mean the world to me. Sometimes I feel I can't express well enough to them how much I really do love them. I hope that even if I'll never find the words or a way to show it, they'll just know. Deep down inside they will be able to feel what they mean to me. I hope they'll never doubt it.
I've not always been able to spend as much time with my grandfather as I would have wanted to and so I was very happy to spend some time with him tonight. I also finished his gift. It's a painting with the golden ram of Aries coming out of the darkness of the night with the Aries constellation of him. I have scripted onto it, "I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul." So it is really is a mixture of Invictus and his zodiac sign. It turned out how I think it should have. Of course as an artist I have a few critiques here and there but all in all I think it really resembles, "An unconquerable soul."
As I was drawing/painting this picture I kept repeating the lines of Invictus in my mind. Especially, "I thank whatever gods may be for my unconquerable soul." It brings hope back to me. I knew it wouldn't be easy when I re grounded that the weights of life would set in but I remembered the one thing I feared most would be to go back to the way I was before with my eyes closed. I want to be brave. I don't want to cower away even though parts of me wish that I could. I want to continue.
I have concerns here and there with the continual strain on my thoughts, other's issues and then my own with relationships. When I'm first getting to know someone there comes a stage when I feel almost distant from them but in these moments I'm more desperate then ever to be close to them and somehow I feel paranoid I've done something to push them away or maybe I'm wearing them out. I worry that soon they'll drift away from me and become uninterested. Even my counselor I have felt this way about and I feel reluctant to tell him because well, he seems annoyed at times. I know I'm not seeing what is really going on because he's actually a very caring guy. I should give him the benefit of the doubt. It's too bad my doubts don't care for that sort of thing. What am I trying to run from? Other people or myself? Maybe both?
I'm tired of my tainted perspectives that I had before. I know there not even true and yet I slip into them so easily. They tire me and I feel they are really doing me no good.
Perspectives on people, myself and my higher power. All old, not useful.
I was thinking today, "Holy spirit? I want to remember how I saw you when I was in that place. Everything is jumbled here. I don't see you for you are. I want to remember that you love me. That I'm accepted."
I was shown. I hope I can show others. I remember dad saying he was having trouble as well seeing it this way. I know how it feels to be in that place. 'still am in some ways.
I don't want to eat meat anymore. It's going to suck. I've eaten my whole 17 years of life and my body probably won't agree with me. But I think it will be thankful in the long run because of what is in the meat. I'm currently vegetarian until I can learn to hunt. Then and only then will I eat meat again. It's going outside my comfort zone and parts of me don't really want to but I am willing to sacrifice taste for ethics.
Animals are tortured and I take in that energy. Cattle raised just to be eaten. It's sad. I don't want to be part of it anymore so I'm going to try my best not to be. I understand the need to eat and that meat is important to our diet but I don't think the way we do it is right to them or even ourselves. We should respect life if we wish for our own to be respected. I have to be willing to be the change if I wish to see it. And without becoming judgmental of those who don't do the same. All of my efforts go to waste if I become high and mighty about anything I am doing. Because it's where my heart is coming from that matters. I have to remember that and I will try my best to do so. I'm sure I will slip up sometimes but that is part of the learning and growing process.
I'm not going to say on here what I did for dad until he receives it since he may or may not read this blog post but I can't wait to see what he thinks! I may even change the idea up a little because I'm not quite satisfied with it yet.
I think it has been good for me to be at the American Village and interacting with other people. Also, Billy and Noel my supervisors seem to be happy with my work so far so I hope to continue doing my best. I know I have potential in this area and I so want to connect with my characters so that others can as well. So that they can feel what I feel when looking through the eyes of another. There is a message in all our hearts and even the characters we create in stories, movies, plays or pictures show something from within ourselves. They live from within our own minds and realities.
I wish to understand these things so that I can better see what it feels like to suffer others sufferings and live others joys. I want to know why a person is the way they are just for the sake of knowing them.
I want to know my brother's and sister's. And the more I know them, the more I understand of myself. I want to really know what it is that I call life and why it is that I live it the way I do.
With all my love and devotion-
Eli
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