Sädemeke

Sädemeke, little light, I've been hearing your siren call since I was a small child.

I believe we all can hear you, but domestication makes us dumb, deaf & blind. 

I never stopped listening to you, my belief in that little light which I saw was so strong. 

Voices whispered doubts in my ear, "you're young, you're naive...can't you see you're living in a fantasy world?"

The voices were perceptive of a partial reality. I was young, naive & living in a fantasy world. But that didn't make me wrong, either. 

My intuition was a guiding compass. One which would prove to be a life saver in the years to come. 

The world was far more mysterious than I could yet comprehend. 

My heart could perceive what my mind can never understand. Endless thoughts which only led to more questions. 

My wildish nature was derailed from time to time. Charming experiences flooded me from the world around me. How easy it was to lose sight of Sädemeke in a world full of temptations. 

But to live ones life divorced of one's own intuitive nature is dangerous. There came a point in which I became strengthened in my determination to follow the voice no matter what other paths may tempt me. 

Because without that spark burning within, I was turning to ashes while still alive. 

Higher Power

I always had a thought in the back of my mind that I went kooky in 2011. Maybe I was schizo like my aunt. But it manifested before I turned 20 & I didn't have any of the other symptoms. Plus, I didn't require medication & it never came back. Psychiatrists, doctors and therapists have all agreed that it wasn't the early signs of schizo disorder.
All that being said, that's never been something I've needed to explain to people. But this time it was...or so I felt the need to defend myself because someone literally asked me if I thought I was schizo. I had felt frustrated before that no one ever mentioned to me that possibility but hearing someone actually ask that was worse.
It has all clicked for me, though. It was a spiritual experience. My higher power has been trying to reach me for so long. I was terrified of that experience. I was similarly terrified of my parents divorce. It was a huge change in my life. It rocked the foundations of what I knew reality to be. I no longer felt safe or like I had stable ground to stand on. I also lost my connection to my higher power. In my search to regain stability especially after 2011...I overlooked any real connection with my higher power. It was easier to look for that stability in the external world. Truth is, I haven't been able to find it in drugs, or food or people. There's no great love affair to fix all of my problems. To take away the edge of or bite of life. Just my higher power. Only my higher power is able to soothe the burn of life's fire. The relationship which I'm building with my HP is what I always wanted but was struggling to create.

Self-love, what is it??

Self-love is a topic that keeps coming up here lately. That those whom we choose to keep close to us, reflect how much we love ourselves.
Love has become a strange word to me...full of many different conatations.
Is it self love to be in a relationship with someone who is extremely moody & can lash out at you for no reason?
Am I keep the wrong people close?
I've been trying to love myself better. It hasn't always been an easy process. I've definitely made a lot of mistakes a long the way.
I had promised myself more comfort, more love after 2011. It hurt me how I failed myself. But truthfully, I relate so much to the women in my life because they've suffered a similar plight of trying so hard to love themselves and falling short...especially in regard to men.
In some ways I was safe from all that for a long time with Kirene. But in other ways I was just alone but didn't believe I was alone. Maybe in some ways that belief made me less alone...it helped me a lot at the time.
I've felt loneliness and pent up anger a lot in my lifetime...I've bit back words and defensiveness or gone on the other extreme and lashed out. It never worked out too well.

Ghosts

I can tell mom is concerned about me. Poor mom, I know 2011 was so hard on her and dad. They'd already lost a son and they feared they were going to lose me too. I can imagine the enormous weight that was on their shoulders during that time.
Anyway, I understand moms apprehension when she found me reading the old notes I wrote while hearing voices in 2011. How did she know if it would or wouldn't trigger me? How did she know if I might slip back into that place? I'm sure she didn't expect it when it first happened.
I tried to console her the other night and assure her that I felt ready to read those notes. It's taken me 8 years to read them. 8 years. That experience was the most difficult experience of my life to date. I struggled for my sanity and survival. This isn't something I take lightly. Yet, I do understand her fears and hesitations. She's not inside my head and can't see what I see. I am only trying to piece certain parts of myself back together. I have to...or I'll never find my artistic voice again. I can totally start over with most parts of my life... But as an artist...that is where I'm stuck.
I'm also rebuilding my identity...learning my self all over again. So the inner council summons goes hand in hand with that. I also feel like I'm ready to embrace my inner council again. In a way that works for me.
It's been a rocky last 8 years...but here I am.
Mom tonight found me playing video games late into the night and knocked on my door. I could see her concerned look on her face as she said, "these are old behaviors." I felt annoyed with her in that moment for interrupting my very immersive story that I was in with the game but once she left I realized she must've still been feeling worried about it. She's still watching my behaviors to make sure I'm not slipping. At 26, it's not big deal if I stay up late gaming every once in a while. But in her mind it's a possible red flag?
I can't read her mind. But I did check myself - am I slipping?
I don't believe I am. I have a strong grip on reality, no voices or weird visions. Also, I have a strong support system that I can rely on and will hold me accountable.
Truth is, I was tearing down the walls between my physical reality and whatever reality it was that I experienced in 2011. I passionately and naively searching for answers no matter the consequences.
That's not where I am anymore, I don't desire to tempt fire not to burn me. What I was seeking in 2011 - I've found.
But what I'm seeking now is what I accidentally left behind in 2011...my voice and my identity. I lost that in the wreckage of my being.
Truth is, my voice is right there inside me and my identity is waiting to be molded with conscious vision. I'm not in search of it like a lost item. I am giving myself space to become. These voices within me, have been silenced so that I could free myself from their oppressive nature. But it's all a part of me and it desires to be expressed just as ghosts seek resolution to move on to the next realm.
My heart is full of ghosts and I'm trying to cleanse my rooms by opening the windows to let them out & let the sunshine in.
It may be scary to my mom but I hope that she will see over time there is nothing to be afraid of.

Surviving as a way of life

Just stumbled upon papers that I wrote in 2011...from the first voice I heard which was a male voice and was the one to first break my psyche. Then much, much later almost towards the end where I was working on an amends and speaking to my Spirit. This is when I was deeply immersed in the experience.
I have been listening to podcasts about survivors of natural disasters and what not. I'm a survivor of a mental onslaught and spirit crisis. I felt like mentally and spiritually I was at the mouth of a volcano with no hard hat on and ten ton flaming rocks were flying at my head. I was so, so confused. It was like I'd been transported onto another planet or abducted by aliens. My whole world was turned upside down. Nothing made sense anymore.
Maybe some people wouldn't want to hear my story or they'd simply just call me crazy but for me, how I remember it...it was a fight to save my life and who I was. I learned so much from that experience and really quite honestly went through a transformation from it and I've chosen to focus more on that than the survival aspect of it.
I also survived my relationship with Tristan. Sexual abuse, drug use and risky situations happened within only 2 years of being together. There was death and destruction following that family around wherever they were. I became so deeply depressed I was beginning to feel suicidal. I even began to give up hope which I have had to work hard to regain. To come back out of that hole.
I survived the divorce of my parents and the onslaught of craziness that insued...the emotional toll it took on me. I survived the loss of my brother, the loss of many loved ones.
Survival has been a key element to my success in life up until this point. Now, I feel like I'm coming out of survival mode and I am asking myself, "Who am I? What is my purpose?" It's different than what it was just  year after 2011. I have changed so much and gained perspective in a lot of ways 18 year old me couldn't see then.

Trust

Trust is reciprocal...I cannot be vulnerable easily if I don't trust nor should I. Our scared jewels should be shared with care but they do need a place to flourish. I believe this is where my higher power comes in because I cannot force someone to be trustworthy or make someone appear whom I trust. But if I step out in faith, more and more I will see my higher power has my back. I am seeing that more with every passing day.
If I have built up really high walls, I cannot just expect myself to break them down for someone who hasn't cultivated trust with me. If my trust is shaken, it's going to be very hard for me to be vulnerable with that person.
It's like taking out your beating heart to a snarling wolf...every ounce of common sense would tell you to gaurd your heart and run on the other direction...not to offer it up to an angry, hungry beast.
Always blaming yourself while someone else is tearing you to shreds is also a big character defect. I don't have to take responsibility for someone else's pitfalls.

Codependency

He's an alcoholic and you're a codependent.
It was hard for me to accept this truth but now it's an axiom of wisdom for me.
The first step is admitting I am powerless and that my life has become unmanageable. On to step two.
I am currently reading Codependent No More. It is great! I read the introduction first and just in those first few pages I highlighted almost everything I read. It felt like someone stole a page from my journal. Then he came home tonight and he'd been drinking. He apologized for being drunk. I guess he knew he reeked of alcohol. I spoke on a chapter from a daily reflection on how adult children of alcoholics disassociate from people. Cesar said he could relate...but then he began discussing his drinking and it led to him defending his drinking. I asked him why he was defending his drinking.
I decided I was going to ask him if he thought he had a drinking problem. A part of me thought that it was a bad idea but I thought maybe I was a chance to plant a seed with him. Secretly, maybe I just wanted to know for sure...even though I knew it meant he could hurt me.
He did hurt me. Of course he showed me without words that he DOES need King alcohol. Maybe next time I won't choose to see it through hurting myself. I don't have to be burned.
Right now I'm not attacking myself but my insides feel all twisted up. And I feel like someone took an energy vacuum and sucked up all my love, patience, tolerance and energy.
That's what I really wanted to know, right? I am a codependent, through and through. Maybe, like alcoholism, it's not something you can cure and it just goes away. Especially when you've spent a good portion of your life being that way.
But, I'm tired. Cesar said I'm tired all the time, yes, yes. I am tired. I am not ashamed because I didn't cause that. But I am working on it. I see a therapist, I go to an herbalist, I'm in a 12 step program...i have a sponsor. I take time to recover. The rest is in God's hands. Thanks to the program of recovery I can feel that way.

Vulnerability

To risk loving at all is courageous vulnerability. It means I am in 'the ring'. I am willing to fail, knowing I WILL fail but that is the only way to truly live.
I may have reached a plateau in some areas of my growth but that doesn't mean I'm not still moving forward. even though it doesn't seem like upward movement, I'm moving towards a goal courageously. There is always room for improvement but I don't have to beat myself up for that. It's good to have room to improve, it's also good to praise my successes.

Overgrown

Creativity ceases to be when I am replaying the same old stories and patterns. I get set in my ways.
But if I remain open minded, willing and honest than I don't have to worry about being closed off from creativity.
I know sometimes I feel more comfort in my easy routine but why would I want to miss out on truly experiencing creativity - there is nothing better...it feels 'more real than this reality.' It's literally living energy. It rejuvenates the dead, old forests inside of my spirit.

Illusions

I'm not the same person I was moments ago and I won't be the same person who dies one day. I'm not the child I once was. It's only an illusion that I live in the past or future. I both exist and don't exist all at once.

Borderline musings

At 25 the ghosts of my childhood still come to haunt me. Even after therapy, which has helped me a lot. When I'm tired, when I'm hormonal & emotional...those ghosts are waiting for me. They touch a pain in my chest. I've been holding my breath since 2003.
My dad's gone. I don't understand what's happening except for this pain in my chest that keeps growing stronger.  Nights are lonely, empty and scary. I cry every night. I always hope someone will come 'save me' from the pain. I guess no one possessed telepathy. Or could see how much I was hurting. 
I know I'm not the only one who suffered. I always knew that. That's always what I reminded myself. Don't be too much or you'll make their pain worse.
When I got compared to Ed, something changed in me. The deepest shame, anguish and rejection washed over me. I became sure then that I was abandoned to the demons within me. Being compared to Ed was like saying, "you're unlovable because of what a terrible person you are." My self image changed that night. My brother and mom didn't disagree with him. No one came to find me or comfort me as I lay outside in the grass with the angry voice in my head finally being right. "I told you, you were nothing." The pain I physically felt to the tips of my fingers...it swelled in every part of me. I felt imprisoned in my own skin. 
I knew then I was truly alone, just me, my horrible thoughts and feelings and the moon shining down on me. I was alone and no one cared. I felt that as a truth which shook me to my core. I already was hurting so badly and felt so alone but I had hope it might change or maybe it wasn't true. I was eventually going to be comforted and reassured like I always had been.
They would tell me I was loved. Right? I am loved right? Not just tolerated?  The self loathing had just begun at that point in my life. But I'm still familiar when that feeling in my chest appears and the dark thoughts return...
But now the voice just tells me to kill myself, to end this misery. I'm ashamed of myself when I feel this way because it's so pathetic.
I don't need anyone to save me...i think there's just this piece of me stuck in a room with that self loathing voice and I wish someone could help me bring her to the light.
I tried to tell Cesar about it but we were in the middle of bad communication and he wasn't listening...he was just trying to end the conversation...so that girl may never be known. A part of me wonders if I have symptoms of borderline personality disorder. I think I'm a lot better than I used to be but I lose control of myself.

Curiosity

To be curious about all of life is such a wonderful trait to possess.
The euphoric feelings and the grotesque realities...what feels like heaven or hell. The illusions, loneliness. Connection. Finding true friendships and losing them. Death...rebirth. Trust and love lost. Mimicry. Making fun of someone and then becoming that person later in life. Awkwardness. All the small details of mundane living that makes every so incredibly amazing. Gratitude, blue skies with ☁ with weird shaped clouds that make my imagination go wild. Shame. Ugliness. Hatred...dark and hurting. It's all there. It's all so much and so little all at once. 

Change

My style? Does it represent me? It represents what I want out of life right now. Life became too heavy for me...so heavy that my knees were buckling underneath the weight of it all.
So I had to let my identity go and basically just choose the part of me that doesn't mind blending into a crowd.
It hurts to express those other parts of me. Truthfully, I'm so out of touch with them now that I don't connect like I once did. I see other people expressing themselves in ways that our loud and I would love to do that if I were someone else. If I were 'young again'. But I've worked hard to be respected by adults and it feels really good to be treated as an equal. I like how that feels.
Also, blending in is very easy on my psyche. It's like me going back to the girl I was when I was very young and I just didn't really care about fashion.
My style now says, "I am one of you living in the bubble." It's a happy little bubble...that world that some how still exists. Despite it's obvious flaws. The world we live in now scares the beejesus out of me. Lol
Everything changes.

Authenticity

If something I write can connect with someone else...maybe help them feel not so alone in their own world than it all seems worth it. Worth it to put in the effort and to bare my truth to the world. It's not always about spreading positivity for me anymore. Though I do love to spread joy and positivity...it's more important to me that I share authenticity. Because there is a great famine of authenticity in life, from my personal view of society today. It's hard to feel connected when everyone is wearing a mask and afraid to be truly vulnerable or real with one another.

Thoughts

What if we didn't need money for survival or for our most basic needs to be taken care of. What if that was already a given and jobs weren't mandatory...we had enough technology that we only worked if we wanted to. What if life was more about exploring rather than suriviving. I crave a world like that. But a world where greed reins paramount...i don't see that easily happening. That's not the goal of most corporations or big money. They see us as cattle or sheep.

Brutal

It's happening again, the synchronicity is happening faster and more in depth than ever before.
First I play that game Sam wanted me to play...it showed me how every little choice shifted the balance...it was a choose my own adventure game. It showed me the shadow...it led me back to Carl Jung.
I had the conversation with my dad about Carl Jung and he mentioned his inner council. It awakened me to my own inner truth once again. I began recording my dreams. Kerli's entire album was on shadow work.
I saw the stink bug and Cesar kept saying it was my shadow...he was right.
Wynne and I cleared out the nursery...there was an accident there the next day.
Aymee and Sam made amends...things are shifting. The planets are moving.
We are in ever evolving timelines. I watched Bandersnatch...it spoke to my soul. Now Russian Doll...Emily, she is the key to the stars...the star Lyra...i got led to that from Emily of the Moon. Literally she has an aunt named Elizabeth. And it's Anne of Green Gables...Aymee's favorite story.
My loneliness...it's my ivory tower of loneliness...I'm safe there. It's scary how connected we all are.
Bed bugs
Stink bugs
Ants
Butterflies
Lady bugs
Dragonflies
🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋
Long lost lover...it's a comforting feeling. I felt it only for a moment. the desire to find that soul mate. It came from the stories I was reading? Or maybe the movies? Or maybe my friends or my brother? Or myself? That desire feels so dangerous now. Once upon a time it was a glorious feeling, beautiful even. I trusted it, I had no reason not to. I even experienced it on some level. Emily created Kirene. You know that, you've always known that.
Nearly a lifetime....being with Kirene for so many years changed my inner landscape. It made the outside world harder to live in.
I know what I was searching for...something to take the edge off from the brutal onslaught of emotions. 

Illusions and Perceptions

I thought of how I am the same consciousness that was born into this body 25 years ago. And yet I feel completely different now. I know I'm the same consciousness simply because of my memories...but it is almost like the memories of some other person since I see the world through a different lenses now. We are like flowers...yet sometimes it feels like I opened too soon and my edges are already beginning to wilt. You can't see it on the inside...it's something I feel inside. Like I'm spread out too thin.
Cesar said I was more open with him when I wasn't dating him - I said that maybe I didn't want him to see everything now. I wanted him to like me. Then he said how will he know me otherwise. and I said not everything is appropriate for me to share and so he said, yeah, like a man on the side.
That's why I don't want to share everything with him...he's uber sensitive and takes things personally and then lashes out.
I do feel lonely. I had promised myself I'd never let myself become closed off from people and now it's sort of just naturally happened. I've stopped trying to share every piece of me with the world. It's not that I can't have intimacy...just not every piece of me with another human. Truth is...even I don't know every piece of me. That longing for someone truly see me is rather strange when even I can't truly see me. I think that's what cuts so deep...is that for so long I've felt like I'm not really real. I'm not an actual person. I think that's what I connect so much with Alan Watt's teaching because it's a much more positive take on it than the void and meaninglessness that I have felt from that sense of reality. 
I identified as the shining light within myself...the beacon holder of my dreams and overall the best parts of me (in my understanding of myself). Now I see there is so much more to me and lots of it feels like a stranger to me. I feel like a stranger to myself the more I grow up...such an odd feeling...to see you know less and less about yourself and who you really want to be and what life is all about.

Breathe

It hasn't been easy but I've been working towards living in a state of peace. Which means letting go of that which takes away from my peace. Whatever that may look like...its amazing how just taking a little bit of time out of my day to relax can have such a profound impact on my life. I feel like I have landed on a bed of feathers...i feel so light and easily supported. I no longer feel like I'm having to run everything...i can just let go and breathe.