You Are Pure Essence

Let courage conquer fear, let love still your hand
And the eternal search for truth guide you in total chaos.
Let the words of a friend snuff out those of your enemy
Let wisdom determine your actions through the misery
and the trust in your heart to lead you on your way back home.
Let intuition free your mind, 
Let mystery breed hope for the future
And the song of life sing you away from the horrors in front of your waking eyes.
Let pain transform you,
Let failures strengthen you,
And the determination of millions- -defeat a sense of hopelessness.
In all things, never risk not taking a chance
Never succumb to defeat,
Or not living your life to it's very fullest.
You're given this one soul, this on heart, this one chance to break free; spread your mighty wings and fly. 
To let that slip through your fingers would be the only mistake to make.
Don't ever give up, until the very end be strong and don't forget, your destiny is forever in the stars.

Elevate

So, I sit down again tonight to type. I was going to post a video instead of typing because I'm feeling a little tired and I want more practice speaking rather than writing. I guess writing has won me over, again. xP
I am going to write about how I am feeling partially since Charis asked us to do that for the course I am taking and also because I want to write about it.
Charis said a lot of our intuitive selves are emotional and I have found this to be true. So that's a big reason why she wanted us to look at our emotions.
My emotions are uncomfortable right now. I can't tell if it's my emotions making me chest tighter and painful or if it's my tight and painful chest that is stressing me out. I was fine but then a bump came up with the travel plans to mount shasta and now I am stressed as I wait for the email I supposed to receive. I am reminding myself that it all works out in divine order but it's hard to really settle on that. I feel bad for stressing my dad out and making it complicated but that may be a little codependent of me. I am not the only one involved in the variable so it's bound to get a little complicated. I don't think it's just the trip - I had already been feeling strange today.
But I got close to a panic attack tonight. I really have no idea why or what's come over me. But I just feel a lot of anxiety. I have struggled with anxiety before so this isn't new to me. Especially in situations with job related stuff or anything that has to do with making plans and involving other people or money or "business" type stuff can stress me out. The "serious adult stuff" can stress me out. Haha! I think what causes me anxiety is my lack of confidence. But that's only there because I'm still young and this stuff is new to me.
I am going to go to bed soon, though. There is no reasoning it out. I can tell when I will listen to reason and when I'm just going to be anxious no matter what. This is one of those times. I like that I am a determined type person but the stubbornness can be a double edged sword.
I feel excitement and anxiety. I feel like I'm close to more empowerment and that I'm really being an idiot right now. :D Probably because I need to go to bed. But I don't want to go to bed, yet. So that's why I am sitting here typing, right now.
Inferior and superior. Hmmm, I'm meditating on that. I'm meditating on my own feelings about myself and how I see myself.
I think it may really be time for me to go to bed. The little intuitive voice seems to be truly hinting at that.
No more thinking or contemplating for a little while, it's Elizabeth's bed time. Okay, I got it. :]
<3 <3 <3
Goodnight and hopefully I'll write again soon.
Thinking about flying "elevates" my spirits. It's the only thing that really does, right now. So I will think about that before going to sleep tonight. I will continue to think about what it would be like to fly...how it would feel. And how it applies to all of my life, even metaphorically.
e

The Believer

As I mentioned in earlier posts, I got a bad case of bronchitis which began with the flu. Not only have I been physically sick but all my "stuff" has been drudged up to the surface. I have had some truly beautiful break through's and I can definitely say that it is a time of "stripping" away the things that no longer how relevance to me.
It's so freaking weird...Most of my teen life I spent it feeling like I had this big life mission and though I couldn't put my finger on it, I just knew I did. Now, it's not that I don't feel I have an important purpose but nothing is clear. Enjoying life...living it to the fullest...these are all variables now and surprisingly that makes things hard to decipher for me. I think about how people talk about how they spend all their time thinking about revenge and when they finally get it they don't know what to do with themselves anymore. I might feel a little like that.
Not only that, I'm growing up. I'm getting glimpses and I'm in the "transition." I have been for a while but it's hitting harder now. Of course it's going to be scary. But I am really feeling it - especially the last few weeks. And I want to tremble beneath the weight of it. I have let myself cry and grieve and I have delved into my darkness and let myself feel it. But I cannot stay there because there is only so much wallowing one person can do.
I am here to truly live my life. Yes, I will not try to crush those emotions like they don't matter. I know I'm scared, I know there is still a lot of sadness in me but I cannot let it stop me from living, either. In all honesty, things are not "bad". Besides a few things here and there, I am living a wonderful life and I have my whole future ahead of me.
I am going to keep walking forward though I am afraid. I am going to put on a confident smile though I tremble. I will do this because I do believe in myself and in my worth. I know there is deep insecurity in me. I can feel that I have such an inferiority complex sometimes. There are times when I just don't feel like I am acceptable. But truly believing in that is giving up. It's taking the easy road out. I don't want to give up.
Not because it means I'll die. Some day I'll die and this Elizabeth that exists now won't exist anymore. So it's not really about self preservation but more about just caring. I want to care about my life and about being alive. I want to make a difference. I want to fight the good fight. Even when I've got the demons whispering that I can't do it and maybe it's not such a fight. Maybe I take everything just a bit too intensely and pay pretty close attention to my feelings.
But guess what? I'm cooped up in my house, right now and I don't have much of a choice but to sit here with me. All of me. It's funny, actually. Charis wanted us to journal our feelings at the end of the day while we are on our break from the course.

What do I feel? Oh gosh, I keep hearing lately that our feelings are what makes us human. I keep hearing that the suffering is all part of it. Yes! I can't believe that I can get to these kind of places and I'm feeling like shit for myself or thinking it's the end of the world. It just feels like a really challenging day.
I feel stronger.
I feel thankful.
I feel lonely.
I feel like where I end - something amazing exists.
I feel human
I feel like I am flawed and then I think that I am perfect
And then I fear that I am not perfect but I see somehow this is an endless cycle
I can taste the idea of freedom while I'm so tightly bound

I feel proud of myself. I have self respect for my choices.
So much I have spent time doubting me and doubting my choices...Doubting my worth. I wanted to believe but I didn't quite believe. Especially when push came to shove. When the doors closed and the darkness came a knocking. When the weight set in and the punches flew...it would all come crashing in around me. And it's miserable. Hurting is one thing but hurting and feeling like you're not worth any better - that's hell. I do think that if there is a hell, that's it. But the judge isn't someone in the sky...it's me.
Being willing to love myself, to forgive myself and to keep on trying...that's grace on this earth. Love and light are not always sparkly and fun - though I love fun, don't get me wrong - the darker parts are still there and to be able to accept all of yourself...you've gotta be able to take the "good" with the "bad".
I have been even trying to try out the idea of not "good" or "bad" things but things that feel good and things that are challenging. Just like I don't want to judge any part of myself as wrong, I don't want to judge any part of my life as bad. No, there are definitely hard as hell parts. Parts I don't like at all. They aren't fun and I don't want to deal with it, most of the time. But it's there and it's important as well.
These times shape me and test me. They make me stronger, especially if I work with them. No, I don't think this is the only way to get stronger but what happens, happens. If I am feeling challenged I can't just run from it because it's not sparkly and rainbows...I want to be able to look at the ugly, too. The stuff that doesn't flow easily and the stuff that tests me.
This is my taking my "new found self" seriously. It's been hard. I wanted to go back to the way things were at first. But I can't pretend last year didn't happen. It did. I am different and there is no other way around it. I've been changed forever. Just like a rock being shaped into a diamond. It doesn't me the old me is completely gone...she's still there but there is also a newer me.
This part of me is a believer. She is willing to believe. I am willing to believe. Even when I don't have any reason in my heart to besides the fact that it is what matters to me. No proof, just my hearts truth.
I am getting clarity about a lot of the feelings I had about this "new found me". I was a little weary about the path I was going down and I think it was because I could sense there was still parts of me that didn't take it seriously. Parts of me that were afraid. But it's okay! It's okay that I am afraid! Sometimes you can do things afraid. And really that's the magical part about "flight", sometimes it can be scary - there is no promise as to what will happen when you take off. But you take off, anyway. There is a chance you will fall...but you know the value of flying will always be more important to you than to stay on the ground out of fear.

And so I follow my heart... tentatively, at times and not always with 100% certainty. But there, I am still walking. I am still following this heart of mine.

Thank-you,
Elizabeth, the Believer.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0dKmgPMDnCI&feature=BFa&list=FL1GJwBnio8HmS8i2j2m1bkg
This is the perfect scene for me right now. It's not about how hard you hit but how much you can get hit and keep getting back up. Not blaming nobody or some "big shadow" for where you are in life. It's about knowing your worth and going after it. It's about believing in yourself.
Believing in yourself. That's what this is about. That's what this new strength in me is about. I'm believing in myself and believing in my worth. And even though it hurts like shit I'm not letting it make me feel like I am shit or feel sorry for myself. I'm so grateful for that. I am so grateful to actually care about me and my life. Thank-you.

Me in the Mirror

I have been sick over the passed week with Bronchitis. It hasn't just been affecting me physically. At first I was getting some really great spiritual breakthroughs but then I started to feel just "out of it". I felt paranoid and like something terrible was going to happen to me. I've never felt this way with sickness before. I felt similar to it last year but that's the only other comparison I have. I connected with a part of me that was faithless, scared and hurt. It was a part of me that didn't want to live that way but thought there truly wasn't anything else and didn't want to get my hopes up because then just the harder I fall - the more pieces that are broken. It is like living in a great void, where the world is collapsing in around you and on top of you. What scared me the most out of anything else was suffering. The knowledge that I would feel more of that - that I would experience more of it.
I've been meditating on this the last few days instead of running from it. I wanted to understand why I felt this way and what was truly going on with me. How was it possible I could be so in love with my life and yet have this part of me? It didn't make sense to me but it was very real for me.

Last night, I began to cry. Which I knew I didn't need to since I was sick. But I couldn't help myself and I just couldn't stop. I felt so much pain and it ran so deeply. I have felt this pain many times and that doesn't make it easier, it can actually make it that much more maddening. I wanted the suffering to end, I wanted this torture to end. I thought of the fact that one day I'd have to say goodbye to my parents...one day I'd lose them - that there would always be this sort of pain waiting for me. I couldn't stop crying or feeling this piercing pain.

But I catch myself in the reflection....Tears running down my face, my face scrunched up since I was sobbing - red and like I'd never seen myself before. I've never really just looked at myself in the mirror when crying...I mean, I'm sure most people don't. But I didn't let myself look away, this time.

Short back story: During my intuitive course that I'm taking by Charis Brown, I connect with a plant. One day I didn't want to connect with my plant because I was sad. I wanted to cry and I didn't want to send that energy into the plant. I connected with the plant anyway and it didn't want me to pull away from it like I was infected with some dangerous energy. Instead it said clearly in my mind, "Let me see your face clearly as you cry. Let me see you sad." And when I did the plant just sat with me as a plant is so good at doing. It sent me warmth and love, just sitting with me and my pain. For so long I have believed that I needed to be over this pain, already. I have believed that there is no place for it and God have I wanted to be over it. I have certainly tried. But this posed the question that maybe I should try less to make it go away and instead to just sit with it...no matter how long it takes or how deep it is.**

The memory of the plant telling me to just let me look into my eyes while I cried came back to me. So I did this with myself. I looked into my eyes as I cried. And voila! I connected with myself. Through the mirror, I connected with myself like I would connect with another person. I could see the pain in those eyes. I no longer had these thoughts running through my head of how to shut if off but, "I never knew this is kind of pain you had inside of you." I felt compassion for myself, SO much compassion for myself and it was like until connected with myself on that level at that moment had I not realized the kind of torment I was going through. And that I was doing all I could to be strong but there truly was a place of pain within me. I was hurt. How much more simple could it be?

So I went to the bathroom mirror and continued to look into my eyes, I reached my hand out to the mirror and sobbed, "Sorry, sorry." Sorry for not truly seeing me or sorry for the pain? Pick either. I kept crying and I looked away from the mirror. I wanted to stop crying so I didn't make myself worse off on the sickness level. But my spirit pulled me back to the mirror and said, "I need you to see yourself. I need you to look yourself in the eyes this time and see what you are going through." And so I did look into my red eyes. "I know the pain you feel. I know because I am you. I know that you sometimes wish you could just go ahead and die and I know you don't even let yourself admit this to yourself. I know you want it to be over, the pain. I can't promise you that the pain will go away or that there won't be more. I wish I could and I know it isn't fair but I can't. There is so much about life that I don't understand. But I do know there are so many amazing things. I have seen love, the most miraculous kind. I have met the most beautiful people ever and I have experienced joy, adventure, magic...I can see just how beautiful this life is. I know that. I also know there is a lot of pain. And I can't change that, I'm sorry."
And then my spirit held me there because I was about to pull away. But my spirit needed me to face this, needed me to see this for what it was. "But, Elizabeth, you can't escape this. There is no doorway out. There is no doorway out from this suffering because this suffering is your heart." And then it hit me, the sobbing in my chest began to change..."When you wanted to die, you weren't trying to run from life or the circumstances or other people who could hurt you. You wanted to escape yourself. You didn't want to exist anymore, you didn't want this suffering anymore." And the tears were still there in my eyes but I knew I was right. I knew all along this had been my heart and I felt love my heart and I felt the knowledge that I simply didn't want to exist anymore...in any sort of way. And in not in the right order, I told myself that if I ever needed to love someone or to help someone it was me. That my heart needed my love...needed my care and my compassion. That if I wanted to know what true love was, this suffering was part of it. This suffering in my heart...could I love this heart that makes me feel this? Could I dare to see this is me hurting? Could I dare to see this is me needing my own care and compassion and tenderness and sweetness that I've always wanted to give to others and to this world. How can I possibly love anyone or anything without my love? And for the first I felt like I had somehow...really become friends with myself. "You're brave, Elizabeth. And I think you do everything you can to do your very best and you always fight with all you have." I saw how wonderful I was to myself. "I'm glad that you chose to keep existing. Even if it is just for another moment. For this moment, I am glad you are still here." And I was, I was truly glad in that moment to exist. With all my pain and all my fears and hope and joys...I was glad to exist.

No promises - the path may still have a lot of pain and fears. But something precious was given to me last night, my own friendship with myself became very real to me last night. I saw my own suffering clearly, I saw that the only escape I've ever wanted is to escape myself - to stop existing and that to "quit" is simply to quit on myself and that maybe just maybe this life has always been about loving me and nothing else truly since we are all connected and everything is connected - that is the great journey...the great love, I saw clearly that I admired myself and that I did see my own strength and desire to do my very best, and then I saw with the depths of myself that I love myself. That I love myself and that I don't want to stop existing. I saw myself as worth it all...all the suffering and the fear...it's a part of me. "My heart isn't evil, it's just hurting...and maybe neither are my fears - maybe it's just a way of trying to protect me."

And I just felt left with this feeling of love and acceptance for myself. I know that there may be some really big mountains to climb and maybe not in such a terrible way but even if it is...It's me. And just like a person would never stop loving their child even with the idea that their child's life could cause them a lot of suffering...I never want to stop loving myself. I really do like myself, after all. I really do care about myself, after all. And I want to be there, through out this life. Through the pain and the adventures. Through the scary and the fun times. I think I'd like to exist for another day. :]

For another day, I am grateful to wake up and to truly feel grateful to be here...to be grateful for my life and for my existence. Even in the face of all the suffering and fears, there is a gentleness blossoming in me. Could this be a new friendship with myself beginning? :] I walk tentative steps with it. But I am so thankful for that gift, last night.

I thank-you, Universe. For me to have received this gift at any stage or time in existence whether in this life or the next was truly special. It feels like a part of me was stitched back together.


  

A piece of humble pie

A quick reminder to myself: I don't have all the answers, all I have are ideas. There may always be some truth to my ideas but they can be changed and adapted as I change and adapt. Truth because divinity lives in me as well. I can feel confident and strong in what I believe or have an idea in if it rings very true or divinity is moving through me. But I can also be strong in my vulnerability when I have no answer but questions.and my ideas may be very vague because I don't always need to be in control or have all the answers - that's why my higher power exists. And is willing to do what I wont and get me unstick when I can't. It's willing to royally piss me and my pride off if it's what is best for me and it keeps loving me only the way a higher power can. And in regards to my expectations of others. They don't have all the answers either but good ideas with divine truth and some ideas I dont resonate with. No one has to be that person with all the right answers and my divine connection. No teacher...no one. So I go with what resonated and maybe I don't project them judging me or them being better than me. And maybe I can not judge so much and project me being right or being wrong sio much. If this is about seeing where my growth or my heart is at and other people help show me that then its not how they need to change but me instead. I do believe in setting boundaries and giving advice when its asked for...I just want to be less controlling of other people and myself. I want to stop holding expectations and start seeing where I am at. So this is a piece of my humble pie that I offer to myself for later, to you reading this and the universe at large. It can be hard to let go and admit to not knowing much at all. For my sake I hope it gets a little bit easier and I wont get so distracted but that is ultimately out of my hands. All I can do is show up and know that I can make mistakes and life not be over. Thank you

Cry

I am only writing right now because I needed a place to release and I find this the healthiest route. So whenever anything hard happens I remember the people no longer in my life. That raw feeling returns. I want to be done with it. It just isn't fair to be holding to someone who isn't coming back. I want to stop wishing for something else. I have felt this feeling for most of my life. It started when my family divorced. It's that need to be with someone but knowing you can't. And knowing that if you could there wouldn't be that love that you cherished. This isn't my authentic truth and I want to be ready for growth. I want tobe ready to die to the old me and be reborn. Will the heart break transform like I know it can? Will I know within my being what my authentic truth is? And I have smelled that smell before. I watched him suffer and wondered what would happen next...I never knew if it was really over and I never can. I would love him no matter what. No matter how much it hurt. Oh higher power..am I reggressing? Haven't I done this before? Maybe its time for an Alanon meeting. I just want to do it differently this time. I don't want to close up and hide from what I am feeling. I don't want to wallow either. I want to have real grief and then move forward. I want to find healing and know serenity. I want to focus on the fact of love. Not binding, blinding "love " but the eternal unfathomable love that frees all. It's elusive and I cannot change or control it. It is free and always true. I glimpse it's grace...Sometimes I dream but of nothing else. What is it like to be on the edge of the cliff and you know when you fall you're going to die? You'll be gone forever. But you are not afraid and though a tear may be in your eye...there is also a smile on your lips. And then you're born again. Doesn't it seems little cruel to make us suffer over and over again? Who am I talking to? Can't I stop it huh? Or is my higher powers responsibility since I am limited? Can I? Do I dare to trust my higher power to know my very best and to love me unconditionally? Do I? Do I dare to love my God / fess with unconditional love. And believe that we're all doing our very best. "I will rise from my sorrow." Keep slipping to the bottom. You rise when you have nothing else to break the fall huh?

Perfectly Flawed again

So this New Moon was really opening me up, again. I had all these doubts, insecurities popping up. I felt jealous, angry and crappy about myself. I was feeling worthless and all of the in between. What was once just a shadow of doubt was suddenly overwhelming me.
I had a really long talk with my mom after sending Charis an email on facbook. A memory had resurfaced about a possible past life. I think I may have ended my own life. I've always felt that I might have done that. My mom spoke wisdom to me with that clarity that only she has in that way. She showed me how one, the New Moon and possibly PMS was affecting me. Than she also pointed out that I was only 19. I have done a lot for a 19 year old on personal growth but I was still 19 and scared and unsure about my own future. All these things I was feeling - all the terrible things were very human. She helped me to see once again that I didn't want to accept my human-ness.
I even found myself judging others, wondering if they were being "authentic" and then wondering if they were judging me. She pointed out this wasn't beneficial in any way. And it's not. The people I look up to and I feel jealous of at times ARE older than me and have had more time to grow. She also pointed out I never know what other people have to go through. And really...it just went back to that part of me that strives so much to be a certain kind of person because I was determined not to be like everyone else. I didn't like the way most of society acted...and I didn't want to do it myself. The problem is...when I judge it. Than I judge it with myself. I make myself feel bad and I see the world as ugly. But when I accept this with myself than I can work passed it and it's not the end of the world. All the sudden, the world isn't ugly but trying their very best. I know that I had grown over the years to be pretty judgmental of people and to see myself as "special". Not necessarily better but I did see myself of a different caliber. I felt I had to or I would slip into all those habits. But the truth is - I WILL slip into those habits. Because I am human and we mess up and we feel pain. That is part of the human experience. I'm not always going to live up to my expectations and the less I have of myself but just to try my best - I won't be so hard on myself.
My mom also pointed out that even though I see these things and don't want to continue these habits...they take time to change. Like change in weight loss - it takes every day work and a healthy weight loss happens over a period of time.
All of the sudden, my darkness appearing doesn't seem so bad. All of the sudden, the forces of darkness that I felt like were trying to overwhelm me or hurt me were really trying to show me the truth of how I was being and acting - to give me clarity. This life is what I expected it to be. A place where people really are doing there best and it's not about whistling in the wind but gaining a real love and respect for yourself and other people. I am grateful for this clarity.
And then I checked my message from Charis and I was blown away. I remembered her childhood and it helped remind me that I can never just look at someone's life now and think they have everything and I don't. I used to hate it when other's did that to me. Someone very special told me once, "It's always subjective to the person." Everyone goes through their own stuff and depending on who they are and where they are at will mean how much it hurts. I can't judge another for that or myself. I can begin to lift the veil if even a little bit...and maybe not see myself as a victim. And WOW - those words of hers. They went straight to my heart. I can and want to fully be myself.
And Elizabeth, it's okay to feel messed up and to even mess up. It's okay to do things that you think you might regret because you're going to do them. You won't be perfect - not in the way you see as perfect.
Thank-you, life, universe and all those connected through it. I know I'm not alone.
I love you.

Elizabeth

Beyond words there is more

I want to share something my guides talked with me about last night. It was actually surprisingly very clear when they spoke. Interestingly enough I used a pink stillbite crystal cluster. They are known to help in spiritual endeavors and they hold a very loving energy. 

My guides spoke to me of a few things but I also received things that went beyond words.

• "Sometimes you'll need to be braver than you thought possible." That is what one of my guides told me...We were discussing fear and how it sometimes limits me. 
• I had been listening to a guide and wondering in my mind if it was my own mind conjuring it up or if this was a separate person. I could feel whoever this was literally didn't understand what that meant..."I don't understand what you mean. There is no different person." And I finally realized it...If I was going to believe we were all one - I needed to truly see that for what it was. The idea of separation is truly an illusion. I asked the question, "Who am I, then?" And she answered with, "That is a very good question..." After thinking for a minute something popped into my head, "I am." That's when I started focusing on consciousness....Nothing else but the awareness that I am. 
• "Beyond words there is more." This rang so true. That "more" that I had been searching for was exactly what was being mentioned. Again, I simply stopped a let myself watch and be aware. Every feeling, every thought. I am not attached to this body, human nature, personality, thought patterns. That isn't my identity...They exist and they are sacred but they are not the source of life. There is an awareness...

Elizabeth

Icarus

I really enjoy these moments. The one's where I am just "me". It's funny, I never would have thought it would be such a great thing to experience.
I find myself giggling indignantly at the fact that I'm actually talking and liking guys again. It's like this dose of something I've needed for a long time.
I remember when I was going through the intense stuff that I was going through - my favorite moments would be when I would laugh without abandon...not concerned with anything but just honestly laughing. Not having to watch my thoughts or my feelings. Not pushing myself to be "more" than I already was.
Once I regrounded...I didn't want to push myself like I did last year. It drove me to the brink of...Well...there are no words for it.
But...As much as I love this normality. I also love the "more" that life has to offer. I am focusing more now on having a balance. :]
I watched a really great movie recently with my father. I had a lot of questions and doubts floating around about God/ess and who I am...This movie spoke to me - and my dad! ;] I related to the main character, the last scion. She is told at one point about who she truly is and she runs away - she has a meltdown. I felt so connected with her character at that point. I thought in my head, "I know what that is like." She wanted to know why it was her...Metatron told her that Jesus had asked the same thing. He just wanted to play with the other kids and be a little boy. The angel said he would've changed things if he could...he didn't think it was fair. But this wasn't so. He told her that who she was before wasn't a lie...This pulled at my heart. What I experienced last year almost completely shattered who I thought I was before. I didn't know who "Elizabeth" was. I certainly didn't feel like a teenage girl anymore....not even close. After regrounding - I can't say I regretted rediscovering some of the old me. But, it's not the same. It probably never will be. I don't think I'll let myself get there, again. After you have been revealed something like was revealed to me - there is no going back or forgetting. I don't want to.
The angel told her that the old her wasn't a lie...there was just a new part to her. And that she could try incorporating the new her into her life, to find a balance. To be this new person some of the time, as well.
I can still be Elizabeth...But I can also embody this light. I know...I just know there is "more" to it. [haha! There's that word again!] So it's kinda' like I'm part time super hero by day and silly teenager by night! Yes, I'm 18, I know I need to think of myself as a young budding adult but I SO still feel like a teen. In fact, I feel more like a teen than I have in a long time. And it's really refreshing. Especially since a lot of the traumatic teen years have passed.
I got a totem popping up in my mind, yesterday. It was the bald eagle/golden eagle. The totem book ending saying that, "You must become more than you ever thought possible." Somehow...I knew this was true. I want to always accept myself exactly as I am but I feel deep within my core that there is something for me to do and I must do it in a way that even I might not see as possible. Because I can and because I will. I know I speak these words simply off of a feeling...But it's important to me. It spoke of balancing the two polarities, living in the spiritual realm.

The eagle is symbol of the zenith. A great reminder of your own ability to soar to great heights. Eagles are messengers from heaven and are the embodiment of the spirit of the sun.

Those with an Eagle totem need to have an involvement with creation; a willingness to experience extremes; a willingness to use your ability even if it means getting "scorched" a little as you fly high; a willingness to seek out your true emotions. A demanding totem, but one that offers so much reward at the end of the journey. Its four-toed feet remind you to stay grounded even went soaring high; Its talons remind you to grasp the things of the earth; Its sharp beak shows you when to speak, how much, and how strongly. This totem will show you opportunities and how to ride the winds to your benefit. Eagle people can live in the realm of the spirit yet still remain connected and balanced within the realm of the Earth. You must become much more than you ever dreamed possible.

I know this is me because I have experienced it my whole life. I go so far even if it means I get a little scorched because of it. I'm willing to jump into the fire to see what's on the other side. Some call it bravery, some call it stupidity. I have toned it down some after last year but as the days pass I begin to see that it is in my current nature. Things do change but where I am right now calls for this. Does it scare me? Yes...Do I think it will be easy? Ha! Has it been very easy, yet? But this is part of my path....part of who I am.

It makes me think of something I heard on this show I am watching about a normal girl who finds out she is a cat person..."Some things you can't fight...just like you can't fight the fact that you are blue eyed." A person can get eye contacts...dye their hair but at the end of the day...That is what their true colors are. It's not exactly fate...It's just who you are.
I just want to remember both the aspects of myself. The "old" me that is somewhat normal and doesn't have to be anything other than what she is. And than the girl who dances with wolves.
May we all awaken to light of our own true nature!

Ellie

Finding your bliss and following it

Bliss. This is a state of being. It's more than an emotion. It fills me and moves through me with ease when I am not repressed. We are free, creative spirits. We are all born with this freedom inside of us.
No holding back, I let the child wake back up. Because...That's me. I deserve to feel creatively free. :~)
I deserve to have fun, to love a lot and to be able to dance for no good reason.
I forgot what following your bliss meant.
I always do whenever I get bogged down by being "realistic". Which is really no fun at all. I am okay that I get this way...I want to love me more, though. I want me to know me loves me lots! LOL
I remember what following one's bliss is when I let my creativity flow freely...Just like when I am drawing my pretty amazing pictures! I am a lot of fun when I am like this. I like this way of living, a lot.
I will go to bed soon. But I wanted to post about finding and following my bliss. So next time I get really sad I can remember that my higher power led me to this really beautiful writer named Sark who is an angel! She also knows that cats are furry angels.
I cried and then I found my bliss and now I have butterfly wings on my head and just watched sparklers at three in the morning. I wrote "ten awesome things and ten awesome people!" I made my best friend laugh like a hyena and my mom told me to go to bed. I like that my mom tells me to go to bed. I didn't go to bed yet. >;D
It's not the words that really matter - it's the energy behind them...the state of being and the intentions. Charis said this in one of her videos earlier today. I really like her. I like how she is a new voice in my life that speaks words which reassure my path. I like that I like her and that we are friends. I like that she is strong and honest and that I am strong and try to be honest. I am grateful for her. I am grateful for so many people, things...Sometimes..I want to cry about everything. I want to cry because I'm so, so happy. I want to cry because life is amazing and I'm in awe...I want to cry because I can't stop laughing! I want to cry because my heart is hurting a lot. And then I just cry because everything is so messed up and so perfect all at once. I smile a lot when I cry. I laugh during tears and tears come during laughter. I like crying....It's the same way that rain feels. It opens me up.
I am now thinking about many things at once and don't know what to type next...All I know is that right now...I know for sure I am grateful.

“There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique, and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium; and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is, not how it compares with other expression. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others." - Martha Graham

Elizabeth

For my Brother

There’s a place
Where you are
It’s in my mind
But I think it might still be real
If the past is the past
Should I let this place in me die?
If I am to walk away now
I want no regrets

This place
I can see your smile
The smile that danced in your eyes when not on your lips
I can also feel you hand on my shoulder,
As you tell me something encouraging
When you tell me, “I love you, Elizabeth.”
You pace a lot in this place
And you’re excited so you like to jump a little while you stride
You have the most beautiful conviction
Your eyes glow
With love, passion, determination, knowledge -
Life
I admire you in this place
But you aren’t always happy, determined or strong

Sometimes I see you cry
You cry for me, for you
For the world
Sometimes you get angry
You wish for things that are not
You’re not always nice either
You can be very honest
There is a lot of distance between us
Even in this place
Am I a small girl in this place?
Or a mother?
A lover?
A friend?
Am I your enemy or your sister?

I call to you…But this place isn’t real
It’s made of memories that no longer exist.
They are like dead stars
Still burning in the sky because time hasn’t caught up with the truth, yet
I am happy here….
You are here.

Why do I have to keep living here if it isn’t real?
This part of me that lives there doesn’t even realize what has happened
It’s gone. Those memories - they are ashes of something here once
It’s a dance of death
Everything is dying, you know
Even this heart, as we speak, is dying
Why should I try to hurry the process?
It’s a long, painful process…yes…but it’s special.
It’s beautiful…A glorious light burning
Burning, burning and burning out!
Let these tears dance with this pain
As the sorrows wash around my feet
I know a new world awaits
For with every death, there is a birth

He isn’t the Creator
But Spirit lives and breathes him
It lives and breathes me
I have no control
I am a heart beating out of it’s chest
The sunlight is golden and red
It’s shining on me
I am open as I die
I drown without fighting
I let the flood enter my lungs, crash through
Inevitability
It’s already happening now
I surrender

I am gone
I am a starlight that once burned
But time is still in the past
It doesn’t realize
I don’t realize
I’m already gone.
And I’m already here again

Birthed into light
It’s a never-ending story
Will I remember him, now?
This shadow won’t fade.
I can’t see him like this anymore
It’s time for me to give up this world’s view of truth

My brother
I see you
You stand with me
We aren’t alone, either
Everyone is here
We’re all standing dark in the light
Gifts in life
Nothing changes here
We’re all just standing here…holding hands…looking on
Into the light
It’s where we once were and
Where we will one day return

I love you
Always
Sincerely,
The one who still cries
As you walk away