Icarus

I really enjoy these moments. The one's where I am just "me". It's funny, I never would have thought it would be such a great thing to experience.
I find myself giggling indignantly at the fact that I'm actually talking and liking guys again. It's like this dose of something I've needed for a long time.
I remember when I was going through the intense stuff that I was going through - my favorite moments would be when I would laugh without abandon...not concerned with anything but just honestly laughing. Not having to watch my thoughts or my feelings. Not pushing myself to be "more" than I already was.
Once I regrounded...I didn't want to push myself like I did last year. It drove me to the brink of...Well...there are no words for it.
But...As much as I love this normality. I also love the "more" that life has to offer. I am focusing more now on having a balance. :]
I watched a really great movie recently with my father. I had a lot of questions and doubts floating around about God/ess and who I am...This movie spoke to me - and my dad! ;] I related to the main character, the last scion. She is told at one point about who she truly is and she runs away - she has a meltdown. I felt so connected with her character at that point. I thought in my head, "I know what that is like." She wanted to know why it was her...Metatron told her that Jesus had asked the same thing. He just wanted to play with the other kids and be a little boy. The angel said he would've changed things if he could...he didn't think it was fair. But this wasn't so. He told her that who she was before wasn't a lie...This pulled at my heart. What I experienced last year almost completely shattered who I thought I was before. I didn't know who "Elizabeth" was. I certainly didn't feel like a teenage girl anymore....not even close. After regrounding - I can't say I regretted rediscovering some of the old me. But, it's not the same. It probably never will be. I don't think I'll let myself get there, again. After you have been revealed something like was revealed to me - there is no going back or forgetting. I don't want to.
The angel told her that the old her wasn't a lie...there was just a new part to her. And that she could try incorporating the new her into her life, to find a balance. To be this new person some of the time, as well.
I can still be Elizabeth...But I can also embody this light. I know...I just know there is "more" to it. [haha! There's that word again!] So it's kinda' like I'm part time super hero by day and silly teenager by night! Yes, I'm 18, I know I need to think of myself as a young budding adult but I SO still feel like a teen. In fact, I feel more like a teen than I have in a long time. And it's really refreshing. Especially since a lot of the traumatic teen years have passed.
I got a totem popping up in my mind, yesterday. It was the bald eagle/golden eagle. The totem book ending saying that, "You must become more than you ever thought possible." Somehow...I knew this was true. I want to always accept myself exactly as I am but I feel deep within my core that there is something for me to do and I must do it in a way that even I might not see as possible. Because I can and because I will. I know I speak these words simply off of a feeling...But it's important to me. It spoke of balancing the two polarities, living in the spiritual realm.

The eagle is symbol of the zenith. A great reminder of your own ability to soar to great heights. Eagles are messengers from heaven and are the embodiment of the spirit of the sun.

Those with an Eagle totem need to have an involvement with creation; a willingness to experience extremes; a willingness to use your ability even if it means getting "scorched" a little as you fly high; a willingness to seek out your true emotions. A demanding totem, but one that offers so much reward at the end of the journey. Its four-toed feet remind you to stay grounded even went soaring high; Its talons remind you to grasp the things of the earth; Its sharp beak shows you when to speak, how much, and how strongly. This totem will show you opportunities and how to ride the winds to your benefit. Eagle people can live in the realm of the spirit yet still remain connected and balanced within the realm of the Earth. You must become much more than you ever dreamed possible.

I know this is me because I have experienced it my whole life. I go so far even if it means I get a little scorched because of it. I'm willing to jump into the fire to see what's on the other side. Some call it bravery, some call it stupidity. I have toned it down some after last year but as the days pass I begin to see that it is in my current nature. Things do change but where I am right now calls for this. Does it scare me? Yes...Do I think it will be easy? Ha! Has it been very easy, yet? But this is part of my path....part of who I am.

It makes me think of something I heard on this show I am watching about a normal girl who finds out she is a cat person..."Some things you can't fight...just like you can't fight the fact that you are blue eyed." A person can get eye contacts...dye their hair but at the end of the day...That is what their true colors are. It's not exactly fate...It's just who you are.
I just want to remember both the aspects of myself. The "old" me that is somewhat normal and doesn't have to be anything other than what she is. And than the girl who dances with wolves.
May we all awaken to light of our own true nature!

Ellie