So this New Moon was really opening me up, again. I had all these doubts, insecurities popping up. I felt jealous, angry and crappy about myself. I was feeling worthless and all of the in between. What was once just a shadow of doubt was suddenly overwhelming me.
I had a really long talk with my mom after sending Charis an email on facbook. A memory had resurfaced about a possible past life. I think I may have ended my own life. I've always felt that I might have done that. My mom spoke wisdom to me with that clarity that only she has in that way. She showed me how one, the New Moon and possibly PMS was affecting me. Than she also pointed out that I was only 19. I have done a lot for a 19 year old on personal growth but I was still 19 and scared and unsure about my own future. All these things I was feeling - all the terrible things were very human. She helped me to see once again that I didn't want to accept my human-ness.
I even found myself judging others, wondering if they were being "authentic" and then wondering if they were judging me. She pointed out this wasn't beneficial in any way. And it's not. The people I look up to and I feel jealous of at times ARE older than me and have had more time to grow. She also pointed out I never know what other people have to go through. And really...it just went back to that part of me that strives so much to be a certain kind of person because I was determined not to be like everyone else. I didn't like the way most of society acted...and I didn't want to do it myself. The problem is...when I judge it. Than I judge it with myself. I make myself feel bad and I see the world as ugly. But when I accept this with myself than I can work passed it and it's not the end of the world. All the sudden, the world isn't ugly but trying their very best. I know that I had grown over the years to be pretty judgmental of people and to see myself as "special". Not necessarily better but I did see myself of a different caliber. I felt I had to or I would slip into all those habits. But the truth is - I WILL slip into those habits. Because I am human and we mess up and we feel pain. That is part of the human experience. I'm not always going to live up to my expectations and the less I have of myself but just to try my best - I won't be so hard on myself.
My mom also pointed out that even though I see these things and don't want to continue these habits...they take time to change. Like change in weight loss - it takes every day work and a healthy weight loss happens over a period of time.
All of the sudden, my darkness appearing doesn't seem so bad. All of the sudden, the forces of darkness that I felt like were trying to overwhelm me or hurt me were really trying to show me the truth of how I was being and acting - to give me clarity. This life is what I expected it to be. A place where people really are doing there best and it's not about whistling in the wind but gaining a real love and respect for yourself and other people. I am grateful for this clarity.
And then I checked my message from Charis and I was blown away. I remembered her childhood and it helped remind me that I can never just look at someone's life now and think they have everything and I don't. I used to hate it when other's did that to me. Someone very special told me once, "It's always subjective to the person." Everyone goes through their own stuff and depending on who they are and where they are at will mean how much it hurts. I can't judge another for that or myself. I can begin to lift the veil if even a little bit...and maybe not see myself as a victim. And WOW - those words of hers. They went straight to my heart. I can and want to fully be myself.
And Elizabeth, it's okay to feel messed up and to even mess up. It's okay to do things that you think you might regret because you're going to do them. You won't be perfect - not in the way you see as perfect.
Thank-you, life, universe and all those connected through it. I know I'm not alone.
I love you.
Elizabeth
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