The Believer

As I mentioned in earlier posts, I got a bad case of bronchitis which began with the flu. Not only have I been physically sick but all my "stuff" has been drudged up to the surface. I have had some truly beautiful break through's and I can definitely say that it is a time of "stripping" away the things that no longer how relevance to me.
It's so freaking weird...Most of my teen life I spent it feeling like I had this big life mission and though I couldn't put my finger on it, I just knew I did. Now, it's not that I don't feel I have an important purpose but nothing is clear. Enjoying life...living it to the fullest...these are all variables now and surprisingly that makes things hard to decipher for me. I think about how people talk about how they spend all their time thinking about revenge and when they finally get it they don't know what to do with themselves anymore. I might feel a little like that.
Not only that, I'm growing up. I'm getting glimpses and I'm in the "transition." I have been for a while but it's hitting harder now. Of course it's going to be scary. But I am really feeling it - especially the last few weeks. And I want to tremble beneath the weight of it. I have let myself cry and grieve and I have delved into my darkness and let myself feel it. But I cannot stay there because there is only so much wallowing one person can do.
I am here to truly live my life. Yes, I will not try to crush those emotions like they don't matter. I know I'm scared, I know there is still a lot of sadness in me but I cannot let it stop me from living, either. In all honesty, things are not "bad". Besides a few things here and there, I am living a wonderful life and I have my whole future ahead of me.
I am going to keep walking forward though I am afraid. I am going to put on a confident smile though I tremble. I will do this because I do believe in myself and in my worth. I know there is deep insecurity in me. I can feel that I have such an inferiority complex sometimes. There are times when I just don't feel like I am acceptable. But truly believing in that is giving up. It's taking the easy road out. I don't want to give up.
Not because it means I'll die. Some day I'll die and this Elizabeth that exists now won't exist anymore. So it's not really about self preservation but more about just caring. I want to care about my life and about being alive. I want to make a difference. I want to fight the good fight. Even when I've got the demons whispering that I can't do it and maybe it's not such a fight. Maybe I take everything just a bit too intensely and pay pretty close attention to my feelings.
But guess what? I'm cooped up in my house, right now and I don't have much of a choice but to sit here with me. All of me. It's funny, actually. Charis wanted us to journal our feelings at the end of the day while we are on our break from the course.

What do I feel? Oh gosh, I keep hearing lately that our feelings are what makes us human. I keep hearing that the suffering is all part of it. Yes! I can't believe that I can get to these kind of places and I'm feeling like shit for myself or thinking it's the end of the world. It just feels like a really challenging day.
I feel stronger.
I feel thankful.
I feel lonely.
I feel like where I end - something amazing exists.
I feel human
I feel like I am flawed and then I think that I am perfect
And then I fear that I am not perfect but I see somehow this is an endless cycle
I can taste the idea of freedom while I'm so tightly bound

I feel proud of myself. I have self respect for my choices.
So much I have spent time doubting me and doubting my choices...Doubting my worth. I wanted to believe but I didn't quite believe. Especially when push came to shove. When the doors closed and the darkness came a knocking. When the weight set in and the punches flew...it would all come crashing in around me. And it's miserable. Hurting is one thing but hurting and feeling like you're not worth any better - that's hell. I do think that if there is a hell, that's it. But the judge isn't someone in the sky...it's me.
Being willing to love myself, to forgive myself and to keep on trying...that's grace on this earth. Love and light are not always sparkly and fun - though I love fun, don't get me wrong - the darker parts are still there and to be able to accept all of yourself...you've gotta be able to take the "good" with the "bad".
I have been even trying to try out the idea of not "good" or "bad" things but things that feel good and things that are challenging. Just like I don't want to judge any part of myself as wrong, I don't want to judge any part of my life as bad. No, there are definitely hard as hell parts. Parts I don't like at all. They aren't fun and I don't want to deal with it, most of the time. But it's there and it's important as well.
These times shape me and test me. They make me stronger, especially if I work with them. No, I don't think this is the only way to get stronger but what happens, happens. If I am feeling challenged I can't just run from it because it's not sparkly and rainbows...I want to be able to look at the ugly, too. The stuff that doesn't flow easily and the stuff that tests me.
This is my taking my "new found self" seriously. It's been hard. I wanted to go back to the way things were at first. But I can't pretend last year didn't happen. It did. I am different and there is no other way around it. I've been changed forever. Just like a rock being shaped into a diamond. It doesn't me the old me is completely gone...she's still there but there is also a newer me.
This part of me is a believer. She is willing to believe. I am willing to believe. Even when I don't have any reason in my heart to besides the fact that it is what matters to me. No proof, just my hearts truth.
I am getting clarity about a lot of the feelings I had about this "new found me". I was a little weary about the path I was going down and I think it was because I could sense there was still parts of me that didn't take it seriously. Parts of me that were afraid. But it's okay! It's okay that I am afraid! Sometimes you can do things afraid. And really that's the magical part about "flight", sometimes it can be scary - there is no promise as to what will happen when you take off. But you take off, anyway. There is a chance you will fall...but you know the value of flying will always be more important to you than to stay on the ground out of fear.

And so I follow my heart... tentatively, at times and not always with 100% certainty. But there, I am still walking. I am still following this heart of mine.

Thank-you,
Elizabeth, the Believer.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0dKmgPMDnCI&feature=BFa&list=FL1GJwBnio8HmS8i2j2m1bkg
This is the perfect scene for me right now. It's not about how hard you hit but how much you can get hit and keep getting back up. Not blaming nobody or some "big shadow" for where you are in life. It's about knowing your worth and going after it. It's about believing in yourself.
Believing in yourself. That's what this is about. That's what this new strength in me is about. I'm believing in myself and believing in my worth. And even though it hurts like shit I'm not letting it make me feel like I am shit or feel sorry for myself. I'm so grateful for that. I am so grateful to actually care about me and my life. Thank-you.