Cry

I am only writing right now because I needed a place to release and I find this the healthiest route. So whenever anything hard happens I remember the people no longer in my life. That raw feeling returns. I want to be done with it. It just isn't fair to be holding to someone who isn't coming back. I want to stop wishing for something else. I have felt this feeling for most of my life. It started when my family divorced. It's that need to be with someone but knowing you can't. And knowing that if you could there wouldn't be that love that you cherished. This isn't my authentic truth and I want to be ready for growth. I want tobe ready to die to the old me and be reborn. Will the heart break transform like I know it can? Will I know within my being what my authentic truth is? And I have smelled that smell before. I watched him suffer and wondered what would happen next...I never knew if it was really over and I never can. I would love him no matter what. No matter how much it hurt. Oh higher power..am I reggressing? Haven't I done this before? Maybe its time for an Alanon meeting. I just want to do it differently this time. I don't want to close up and hide from what I am feeling. I don't want to wallow either. I want to have real grief and then move forward. I want to find healing and know serenity. I want to focus on the fact of love. Not binding, blinding "love " but the eternal unfathomable love that frees all. It's elusive and I cannot change or control it. It is free and always true. I glimpse it's grace...Sometimes I dream but of nothing else. What is it like to be on the edge of the cliff and you know when you fall you're going to die? You'll be gone forever. But you are not afraid and though a tear may be in your eye...there is also a smile on your lips. And then you're born again. Doesn't it seems little cruel to make us suffer over and over again? Who am I talking to? Can't I stop it huh? Or is my higher powers responsibility since I am limited? Can I? Do I dare to trust my higher power to know my very best and to love me unconditionally? Do I? Do I dare to love my God / fess with unconditional love. And believe that we're all doing our very best. "I will rise from my sorrow." Keep slipping to the bottom. You rise when you have nothing else to break the fall huh?