Happy Destiny

In about 5 days I'll have made it to 90 days of sobriety. What an interesting concept this is for me. It's farther than I made last time I entered AA. Yet, last time, I was still scouting things out for myself...gathering information.
Now, I am ready and willing to surrender my will to a higher power and work the 12 steps. I have been taking on 90 meetings for 90 days. Some days have been a struggle to go but everytime I do - I am rewarded and I am reminded how much this program truly works if you work it.
I've changed as a person just in this short amount of time. At first, I really couldn't see it but my sponsor could and she points it out to me often. Now, I am beginning to see it. I grow in confidence and yet with humility because I know these changes are only happening through the grace of God, the fellowship and me being willing to work the steps/surrender my will. I have relationships with girls my age and all ages who mean a lot to me. I genuinely love them and want the best for them. We support each other in ways I have never experienced before and we "get" each other. A friend of mine in the program reminds me that the trauma's I've been through in my life will help other girls who come in and has been through the same thing. AA has given me a solution and a purpose. They say self pity and self seeking will slip away...I am still not there yet but I see it happening - slowly but surely. There have been some truly emotionally gruelling days. Days where I was sure this was it for me...I was going to throw in the towel and just say, "fuck it all." But instead I would call a women in the program or I would pray. It worked every. Single. Time. I made it on the other side of the emotional break down and I learn from each experience. I gain more love and compassion for myself each day. The days that I don't have faith...I just do the next right thing. I turn my mind off and do one of the simple action tools which are laid out for me in this program and I fake it till I make it. It works every time. I am blown away by that fact...that every time I earnestly seek God/dess of my own understanding and surrender my will - everything works out. I have never experienced anything like it except for 2011...which is what this blog was founded on and where it all began. Tonight, I realized something very special...God/dess wants me to be joyful. Every step of the way Spirit has been guiding me towards my Happy Destiny. The moments of pain that I go through I see now are not tests from God/dess but simply a part of life. Pain is the touchstone of my recovery. It's through pain I have learned many of my greatest lessons. One of them being that God/dess wants my happiness. Spirit warned me against a situation and I refused to heed the warning - it lasted for two years...those two years were some of the most painful, dark years of my life despite everything I'd already been through. And now, I am recovering.
My sponsor has only had one major critique for me in the last few weeks and that is that I need to stop being so hard on myself. I have been viciously assassinating every aspect of my life and character. Driving myself insane with it. Because I wanted to escape the reality that no matter how hard I try to be perfect...I can't rush through this healing process. I lived through immense trauma the passed two years and I can't just jump back into a state of joy. It will take time, it could take years even. It's a process and it will take courage to face it. But I know I'm not alone in this journey and that my higher power loves me, wants the best for me. Part of my story is that I don't have to learn everything the hard way...it's a choice. I can choose to get off the elevator to hell whenever I want to. We get out of the hole we're in whenever we put down the shovel. My higher power, didn't think that the immense pain I went through was the only way for me to live my destiny...Spirit tried to keep me from having to face what I'm facing now...and for that, I truly feel my higher power's love.

Spiritual Progress

6/18/16

Tomorrow, I pick up my 30 day chip. It feels like things are dragging a bit but in all honesty I'm glad we're taking things slower to some degree. It's hot as hades right now where I work and there really isn't anything much more draining than that.
Today, I chose to stay home and rest rather than push myself passed my limit. It's not easy for me to pass up a chance to hang out with someone I really enjoy but I knew I have been feeling way too overloaded. I'm learning to pay attention to those signals and also when to push past my comfort some and do what I need to do.
I'm doing 90 days/90 meetings, right now. So every evening after work I go to a meeting. I bounce around to a bunch of different one's. Eventually, I'll probably choose a home group but for now that's what is working best for me.
I felt a good bit of anxiety and even some of that dark cloud depression that I said just the day before is totally gone.
I felt some guilt for not going out with Ally. Also, I didn't meditate/pray first thing in the morning.
It set a precedent of the whole day feeling off.
I just got off the phone with Ally and she was very understanding about me needing time for myself today. She even commended me for taking care of myself. What a contrast that is to the guilt inducing relationships I've had in the past. It almost feels like living in the Twilight Zone. It was nice to talk with her and end my night on a good note, like that. I feel rejuvenated and I remember that isolation equals trouble for me.
She reminded me that I am doing very well and not to be too hard on myself. We claim spiritual progress, not perfection. There is no perfect alcoholic and there is also no perfect program. All these little platitudes, as cheesy as they are, are good reminders for me.

Pokemon Hunting

7/18/16

On Tuesday I'll be 30 days clean and sober. It's been a long time coming for me. 6 years ago I created this blog. I have on a journey with my higher power since that year. It was the year my entire life changed. Now, I am here on my path. I continue taking things one day at a time.

Today;
I drove around hunting pokemon with my brother. I haven't seen my brother in months so it was really nice to get to spend some quality time with him. We when to the Birmingham Museum of Art, as well. I am grateful that the Pokémon servers were down at that point because I really paid attention to the artwork. The dates kept standing out to me...knowing that there is so much history to each piece. It took me back in time and made me wonder what stories were buried in every piece of art as old as those. It was a very envigorating experience. It also made my heart happy that my brother was having a great time! He rarely gets out so having a chance to see the city awakened his senses and lit a flame.
We went to Aldridge gardens afterwards to continue playing Pokémon and I appreciated the fact that so many people were playing on this gorgeous day in this gorgeous park. I felt happy, truly content.
The meeting this evening was pretty good. For me, it was a reminder that faith is dead without works. That I can't 2 step. It was a reminder that I am not useful to others by trying to save them from themselves. It's my job to keep my side of the street clean. I enjoyed being invited to the meeting by Stormy and Jenn. But it sure did make me nervous being I that neighborhood.
Tonight, I spoke with some women in the program and I heard just what I needed to hear. Not only that but I had a very humorous and fun convo with a newer girl.
Then, when I checked Facebook I saw that Kerli is 90 days clean and sober. I about dropped my phone! She has been one of my lifelong inspirations + channel through which my higher power speaks to me with. She helped me through the dark period I am just now getting out of. Her new songs gave me hope...made me want to change. They also were used as a sign to reconnect with my higher power. Now, I find out she stopped only 2 months before me...this moment was basically my burning bush moment that people have mentioned in the meetings.
I spoke to both of my parents for the rest of the night. The conversations were more vulnerable and real than I'm used to. We went over many important topics. Then I chose to cancel plans with my girlfriend in the program. I was very hesitant and worried she'd think I was just blowing her off but truly I felt this is what I needed to make it through the next week. I knew that it's still too early in sobriety for me to push myself too hard. And right now I feel completely overwhelmed and at my limits. I'm grateful I did speak up though and simply be honest with her. She's absolutely amazing and I can't wait to hang out with her soon.
Today, I listed many things I'm grateful for...I'm not sure where I could do better besides giving clearer plans sooner to my friend in AA. Maybe being more present since I was so bothered by the Pokémon server being down at the muesum. Take in the moment...try not to give advice to newcomers yet. Spend some more time in the big book and setting up a better schedule. Maybe planning ahead in the morning who I am going to call...when I'm going to call.

Serenity

I just published "hard lessons". But I wrote it a few weeks ago when I'd just broken up with my ex.
After spending some time to myself and reaching out to an old, helpful friend of mine...I realized I had failed to see the issue that resides with me. I had stopped keeping my side of the street clean. It makes perfect sense. I needed that time to feel purely hurt and angry by what happened. But it became time for me to recognize where I needed healing and major change in my life.
I've entered AA and this time I am able to move passed the first step. I am able to admit to being powerless over drugs and alcohol.
For the first time in a very long time...I feel moments of serenity. I also feel my other emotions that I've been numb to for a while. But the serenity is not something I've felt so deeply in my core since 2011 and a little there after.
I'm stripped down to the bare bones of who I am and because of that...there is only me and my higher power...I can't trick or lie to myself.

Hard Lessons

I thought that if I worked on myself enough - it would make me enough for my mate. They wouldn't cheat, their eyes wouldn't stray. I would show them epic love and they would be empowered and uplifted to the point that I'd basically be their saviour.
I wanted the cheat codes. I saw others being cheated on and treated like dirt and I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't put myself through that.
Yet, I have just emerged from a two year relationship in which those very things happened. Sometimes the heart speaks louder and has more of a pull than good common sense. I *wanted* to trust him and so I chose to focus on his good more than the areas where he would inevitably hurt me with. I had watched the transformative power of my own life...going from a 16 year old girl who was spiraling into a dark, dark place...to an empowered and joyful young woman - I believed anything was possible. But I had turned my will over to a power greater than myself at my lowest low. I wanted to control this transformative power. I believed I had special powers...that I could choose how to save this world and the one's I loved. But now I see that it is not my place to try and save anyone else...only me. I can only keep my side of the street clean. It is my HP's responsibility to save everyone else. And one has to WANT it. Sadly, salvation is only there for those who WANT it and do whatever it will take to get it. Not those who need it...we all need it. My codependent nature has had so much trouble accepting this. But this may be one of the tougher lessons to reveal to me that someone else must want it and choose it for themselves...just as I did! No matter what anyone else has ever done for me or said to me...it's not until I have chosen it that the door opens for me.

Solutions

I came to the realization today that there is always a solution to something or atleast it is best to have that sort of attitude to keep moving forward life. Do the best you can, keep your head up and look for the solutions or else you will only make things worse for yourself.  

Heart

I don't cry much at all anymore. When I was younger it happened quite frequently and I processed my emotions quickly. Things rarely just hung over me. When I cry now it's from a build up of too much stress, anxiety and hopelessness exploding into a melt down. The tears rarely feel safe. In the past I saw crying as a healthy and needed part of life but now it makes me feel too naked...exposing my underbelly to this world.
At the same time, I don't understand how I continue to move forward and continue to push myself with how depleted spiritually that I feel. My heart aches atleast once a week. I spiral into depression atleast once a week. I don't cry usually. I just feel hopeless. I feel scared all the time. I don't feel safe very often. I don't have fun very often. When I do it surprises everyone how much I light up. They think I'm on drugs or something but it's simply that I don't have fun anymore. I don't like Journaling because it makes me look at the hard truth of where I am...especially emotionally. I haven't been this out of touch with myself in a long time. It's like doors to my heart just finally closed...it didn't want to but it seemed to have no other choice to survive. I've become a much colder, cynical person...angry at small things. I try to remind myself to forgive and to let go of the small things. It's helping some. I don't like where I am...I am flabbergasted by it to some degree because I never saw it coming. I was naive - I don't want to blame myself for that. I didn't try to ignore the signs of where I was headed. There were so many signs before this started telling me to caution myself with Tristan. I thought it was because he would be a bad person in my life but now I see that things are never that simple. It was just that things were going to become A LOT more challenging for me. I rushed into the storm head first like I did in 2011, not prepared for the consequences of my actions. Since I chose something for my heart...my heart would have to pay the universe back. Karma? I'm starting to believe that the universe must keep the balance....everything has a price. Whether your see it as good or bad. And that's a part of responsibility that I never wanted to see. Because life is still not fairly balanced...or balanced in your own well beings favor. It simply balances as the sun rises each day. Yet, some part of me believe that the universe does have some sense of benevolence.  I really don't know who I am...right now or what I want to do with my life. I feel like I'm traumatized by life and I don't know how I'm ever going to heal from it when it's very sick and messed up on this planet we call our home.
I can't looking away from the truth...my heart is a mess. A big, fat mess. What do I need?

Health

For the passed year I have been learning more about my body than ever before. It began with reoccur ant health issues that only seemed to get worse the more I took the antibiotics I was prescribed by doctors. I took health into my own hands and went to see an herbalist. At this point I'd seen a urologist who told me I had IC. Interstitial Cystitis. She told me there is no cure for it only therapies because they still don't understand well enough why it happens. She had set a date for me to get an invasive surgery as therapeutic means and also to see what was going on. That's when I made up my mind to see an herbalist. She explained to me that IC comes from an unhealthy gut. When continual antibiotics, poor diet and stress combine...it creates the worst kind of bacteria in the gut. I needed to change my diet completely and re-populate my gut with healthy bacteria. So...I began the journey and struggle of cutting out sugar, bread and really most foods I used to eat as comfort. Also, no alcohol. Even with continual failure and slip ups...when I was on track...the painful flare ups began to go away. The other issues subsided as well. I finally when for official testing and found out that I had extreme bacteria overgrowth...candida. It was affecting everything. So now it's my journey to reduce stress in my life, stay to a strict candida free diet and stay far, far away from antibiotics. BV has recently reappeared in my life after months and months without suffering from it. I used all the ammunition I had stored against it and it's still minorly affecting me but it's only settled my resolve even more to kill this candida once and FOR ALL. It's been over a year now and i have made it this far...having health issues and having no answer or even worse being told there is no cure....to having answers and knowing there is a cure is a HUGE step. I am stronger with knowledge. Even though the journey is still long ahead of me, I believe I will make it to my goal even more cleanly this time. I have been clean and sober for months now. My mind is beginning to open up again and I feel like I am returning to some sense of normalcy. I'm getting my finances back in order...I am getting back on track. I'm relearning not to sweat the small stuff. Health is an intuitive journey. If something does NOT feel right for you or your body...trust that.

Work

I'm writing this while I'm in one of my *spells*. For almost two years now I've been in a deep depression. I haven't posted on my blog in quite some time. I've felt unmotivated and almost want to punish myself from the good things in my life - one out of fear and two because I'm dealing with a lot of self loathing. I am writing this now to get a better understanding of my mindset during one of these bouts of depression. Something triggers it and I become totally paralyzed by it. Especially during the Spring when I am already mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically exhausted by work. I'm now seeing a counselor about my depression and anxiety issues. I want to be more aware of what I'm thinking and feeling during these times so I can better learn how to heal.
I've been working my job at Colliers for 4 years now. They've flown by. Time goes by so much faster when I'm working everyday. My life has been very rocky. I have trouble sticking to a routine. I somehow managed to get my health back on track after a severe chronic pain problem called IC. It was one of the scariest things I've faced yet. Having a full time job and a deep relationship with a boyfriend has really taken its toll on me. I started to feel like I had no voice and barely existed. I pulled away from all social interaction and have to motivate myself hardcore to go out and socialize. I went from being so hopeful about life to basically fighting to have any hope at all. It hurts to have fallen so far and to feel so weak. But I know that I am not. I know I'm much stronger than I want to admit to myself. I don't want the power that comes with the responsibility. I am terrified of what I'll have to face. My fear has crippled me. I feel like I was a giant taken down by a stone.
My counselor told me the importance of gratitude in my life...but a part of me is fearful of truly going into that. I want to protect myself...so desperately I want a place that feels safe. I am so sensitive to life and I feel like I'm becoming more and more warped. But it's hard for me to tell anymore. "Chasing True." My connection to my higher power or the being True...i think that's where I feel the most self loathing. I feel like a coward...how did I ever let myself get into this situation?