"The greatest sign of intelligence is being willing to listen."
Today my lesson was to truly listen. Listen to my own doubts, why are they there? What are they telling me? Listen to other people, especially when I don't agree. Why do they feel this way, why don't I agree?
Sometimes all a person needs is to be heard and truly understood. I know I've needed it. Sometimes I get bogged down by the thought of being chained to one way of living but I feel like what I've hooked into a is a much more 'panoramic' way of seeing things. Yes, I have my own personal views and perspectives but I am willing to believe everyone has their own truths from their own pieces of the bigger picture. I can learn from everyone in some sort of way.
I'm feeling much better than I have the passed few days. Different words floating through my mind,
"I believe he wrote many different books."
"You matter so much to so many people."
"Boundaries are important, it's not being mean, it being true to yourself."
I'm learning once again that this is truly what I want. I want to keep striving forward. Keep positive habits, to the smallest and most basic things. My chores, my morning and evening rituals and everything that goes between.
That is partially the reason why I made myself sit down and write in my blog tonight, I know I need keep myself working on myself day by day. This is very important to me to do this. Life has become so much more difficult then it did before but somehow I know that is a good sign.
Because all the same, I cherish things on a different level, I'm more humble and I am willing to work for things. I want to make people happy and I also find it important to take care of myself and others. Love is opening my heart back open and the sadness I am facing. Everyday, I work to change perspectives and let fears go.
But most importantly. Passion. I've begun to live my life more passionately and it truly is feeling like life. Not like there is some empty void in the middle of everything I am and I do. Now I know that desire for MORE is the path I am now stumbling along. It's not going to be easy and that's for sure but it also won't be impossible. It'll be meaningful. It is beautiful.
I must remember to trust my heart when it is telling me something and not to totally panic. But even then, I still have ways of grounding myself and sometimes I think it is good to just have a nice cry.
I love my higher power. I love God. I love Mother Earth and who I really am. I love myself as a whole and I love the human experience. I love the other beings that I met along the way. All of these people I can say our my friends and my family. There are still times though when I feel the religious indoctrination creeping up on me and I really can't feel my higher power for who he or she is. I want to be free of this but I do feel I want be taken seriously at times. Not even by myself. I spent a very long time disapproving of it and even though it's nothing close to what it was for me before, I still have trouble with it.
I remember saying if I ever went back into it I would put all my heart and soul into not like half the people who barely seem to care about it. Or this is how I saw it. Now I see that they are most likely afraid to truly get into it. But I want to live a fuller life and listening is the first key to learning. I really relate to why that would indicate intelligence. Because I full and well know there are still so many things for me to learn and for me to master.
Forever and always,
I love you - Eli
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
See it for what it is~
I'm back! And I rarely write this much but I like it and that I feel it is important enough to take the time out of the day to write down what is going on in my mind. I feel like if I don't write down what I learn then I won't have reference when I surely face the issue again. This is most definitely a blog used for me to look back on as I progress. "Those who do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it." I don't want that. I want to move forward, continually. Even if it is slowly it is surely. I will eventually have things built up from all of this.
Amanda burnt the rice again, the other night. I felt almost astonished with how much this upset me. I was ready for her to burn other things since she hasn't stopped burning things since she's been cooking but I thought she knew just how hard it was for us to clean out the pot last time she burnt the rice.
I was hovering over the kitchen, scrubbing away at the pot when I found myself feeling frustrated. Why did she freaking have to cook rice again?! Jeesh. I hate having to clean this out but I guess she doesn't care about anyone but herself. And then it hit me. I knew I needed a perspective change but I didn't know how to do it. First thought was, just feel it. Stop fighting against it and feel what you are feeling. By this point I was ready to throw the pot into the kitchen sink so instead I internally yelled. "Why the FUCK does she have to keep burning things?! Does she not listen to when mom tells her to keep it turned down? But of course she doesn't care! She's selfish and annoying! She's really just this ignorant little girl who doesn't care if her mistakes bother anyone else!" The last sentence even stung me. I was feeling annoyed with her in a 'why do you have to be such an idiot?' kind of way. Which just isn't fair. She is half blind and hasn't cooked much in her life. A memory passed over me. Countless times of burning and ruining food when I was younger, a sheepish smile given to my mother and her annoyance subsided with her always helping me clean up the mess. She didn't ever yell, "Why are you so dumb?!" She just said, "Don't worry, you'll get better with practice." I knew she didn't want to have to clean up my mess and I felt terrible about it but she never judged me for it. With this memory equipped I also remember other friends and people making messes for me to clean up or giving me the feeling that they didn't care. And that's what I zeroed in on, Amanda hasn't been around long enough to strike up a feeling that is years old. It was the feeling that came from not being loved. Put simply lovelessness. It always enacts this intense feeling of anger. I wasn't mad at her about the burnt rice, to me, seeing that burnt rice was instead like seeing a big F-U. Even if it didn't make any sense, it triggered that inside. So once I found the culprit of why I was angry I forgave her. "I forgive you for burning the rice, Amanda and I forgive you for the feeling that I got from you burning the rice." Then I apologized, "I'm sorry for getting angry and for thinking that you were being loveless." Lastly, I asked for a new perspective, "I ask to be given a new perspective about this and see that she wasn't being loveless she was learning and with learning comes mistakes." I thought about how I used to make countless mistakes and how much it meant to me that my mom was always there to support me, then I felt happy that I cleaned the pot for her and helped her not feel bad for making a mistake. Maybe next time I can help show her how to make rice so she can get better at cooking! Plus, it's really not healthy to eat things burnt. I should strive to be helpful not harmful in the process of growing, especially since it is only putting a hindrance on my own growth.
My anger didn't want me to accept that the reason why it made me so mad is because I perceived it as a loveless act. It wanted me to simply feel betrayed and feel as though I were entitled to this anger. For me, this helps me to see that when I listen to what my anger is actually upset about, I can see where the perception got tainted either with past hurts or un-useful ideas. I can change it and then grow from the experience. Amanda and John are here for a reason and from what I've seen the people who really get under your skin are the people who have some important lessons to show you about yourself. I'm excited to learn from it!
I'm trying to learn to see things for what they truly are instead of blindly following after my feelings which can often feel like the guidance of my heart. I want to truly see so that I can genuinely live accordingly.
Nemaste!
-Eli
Amanda burnt the rice again, the other night. I felt almost astonished with how much this upset me. I was ready for her to burn other things since she hasn't stopped burning things since she's been cooking but I thought she knew just how hard it was for us to clean out the pot last time she burnt the rice.
I was hovering over the kitchen, scrubbing away at the pot when I found myself feeling frustrated. Why did she freaking have to cook rice again?! Jeesh. I hate having to clean this out but I guess she doesn't care about anyone but herself. And then it hit me. I knew I needed a perspective change but I didn't know how to do it. First thought was, just feel it. Stop fighting against it and feel what you are feeling. By this point I was ready to throw the pot into the kitchen sink so instead I internally yelled. "Why the FUCK does she have to keep burning things?! Does she not listen to when mom tells her to keep it turned down? But of course she doesn't care! She's selfish and annoying! She's really just this ignorant little girl who doesn't care if her mistakes bother anyone else!" The last sentence even stung me. I was feeling annoyed with her in a 'why do you have to be such an idiot?' kind of way. Which just isn't fair. She is half blind and hasn't cooked much in her life. A memory passed over me. Countless times of burning and ruining food when I was younger, a sheepish smile given to my mother and her annoyance subsided with her always helping me clean up the mess. She didn't ever yell, "Why are you so dumb?!" She just said, "Don't worry, you'll get better with practice." I knew she didn't want to have to clean up my mess and I felt terrible about it but she never judged me for it. With this memory equipped I also remember other friends and people making messes for me to clean up or giving me the feeling that they didn't care. And that's what I zeroed in on, Amanda hasn't been around long enough to strike up a feeling that is years old. It was the feeling that came from not being loved. Put simply lovelessness. It always enacts this intense feeling of anger. I wasn't mad at her about the burnt rice, to me, seeing that burnt rice was instead like seeing a big F-U. Even if it didn't make any sense, it triggered that inside. So once I found the culprit of why I was angry I forgave her. "I forgive you for burning the rice, Amanda and I forgive you for the feeling that I got from you burning the rice." Then I apologized, "I'm sorry for getting angry and for thinking that you were being loveless." Lastly, I asked for a new perspective, "I ask to be given a new perspective about this and see that she wasn't being loveless she was learning and with learning comes mistakes." I thought about how I used to make countless mistakes and how much it meant to me that my mom was always there to support me, then I felt happy that I cleaned the pot for her and helped her not feel bad for making a mistake. Maybe next time I can help show her how to make rice so she can get better at cooking! Plus, it's really not healthy to eat things burnt. I should strive to be helpful not harmful in the process of growing, especially since it is only putting a hindrance on my own growth.
My anger didn't want me to accept that the reason why it made me so mad is because I perceived it as a loveless act. It wanted me to simply feel betrayed and feel as though I were entitled to this anger. For me, this helps me to see that when I listen to what my anger is actually upset about, I can see where the perception got tainted either with past hurts or un-useful ideas. I can change it and then grow from the experience. Amanda and John are here for a reason and from what I've seen the people who really get under your skin are the people who have some important lessons to show you about yourself. I'm excited to learn from it!
I'm trying to learn to see things for what they truly are instead of blindly following after my feelings which can often feel like the guidance of my heart. I want to truly see so that I can genuinely live accordingly.
Nemaste!
-Eli
Dream catcher
Okay, so yesterday I went to the dollar tree and found a dream catcher buried beneath folders. I wanted it since I already have one at my dads but not one at my mom's.
When I went to sleep last night with the brand new dream catcher hanging over my bed I hoped for sweet dreams. Turns out I had the exact opposite. As with all dreams I'm not sure where the dream began or every detail about it but the main gist of it was that my brother was infuriated with John and Amanda[two boarders we have staying at our house]. This isn't too far from the truth...
Funny thing is, he's the one who invited them here and at first it was mom and I who were getting annoyed with them. Before they came here I knew there would probably be little things here and there that bothered me about them just like with anyone you live with and I wanted my main focus to be a source of love for them. From the very beginning I wasn't going into the situation expecting that to be easy. But let's just say after a few weeks I didn't want to have to be social every time I walked into my living room. Not only that, we had a problem with food because Amanda burns everything[leaving mom and I to break our backs cleaning the dishes] and even though they buy their own food they eat ours. It was ticking me off and I knew I wasn't being very understanding because truly they are just young adults who don't realize they're being inconsiderate. Heck, I've been there before and I still do it. So I mentioned to them a couple of times to calm down on eating our food, it hasn't helped that much but I thought, "Hell! God said that we should worry about bread to eat or clothing to wear, he can provide anything for us." Reminding myself that the important matter here was love. I didn't think it was right to just let them continue on with their behavior if even for the simple factor that when they live on their own they will quickly eat all their food away and other people may not be as hospitable.
Then a new problem arouse, my brother is getting tired of them. Which, when my brother doesn't want someone around, it's usually not hard to tell. He's been avoiding them the passed few days and being kinda' cold with them. We all agreed that we didn't want them to feel uncomfortable here and even if things didn't work out we wouldn't be another family that rejected them. All of us had to know that would be easier said then done. People have flaws and with those flaws our own are brought out. I can see how the situation could lead to despair and I remember feeling really bad for Amanda and John last night.
I don't know how I would feel if the person who invited me to live with them didn't want me around anymore. I try not to see Sam this way but sometimes I don't feel like he really is diplomatic at all. But then again, he never ceases to surprise me. Because he's really not a self-centered guy, he's just been hurt a lot like anyone else.
The dream started with him being angry at them and then bringing in other friends to the house who all proceeded to ignore them. Maybe this was my interpretation of Sam bringing over Josh and not hanging out with John at all? For some reason I was furious with the way he was treating them and I gave him an ear full. I remember this part of the conversation as my brother defends, "John was being very controlling! Who does he think he is?!" And my response was, "That doesn't mean you have to act that way in return!! You know that you care!"
And that's when the dream became sad, heart wrenchingly so. His tone changed as it does sometimes and I remember my vision closed in on his eyes as they became softer. I could tell he didn't want to say what he was about to say to me, "But Elizabeth, I'm not what you think I am. I don't care. I'm a monster."
An old familiar pain swept over me and I screamed at him, "No, you're not! You're not a monster!" I'm pretty sure the dream faded away into something else. I felt like I was sobbing at this point. Suffice to say, the stuff with John and Amanda brought back old memories as I remember him saying something very similar to me before and I knowing it was a lie with all my heart; yet feeling heart broken by it all the same.
For anyone who doesn't know me, it may not make as much sense as to why I care so much about where my brother is in life but growing up we were inseparable to put it lightly. We moved around a lot so we were the only friends we had. We share everything and we were best friends. But things do change and while we still love each other this much, we have grown farther apart. There is still a deep pain from the realization of what has been happening with my brother, the knowledge of it. So when situations come up and I see him act so coldly to people, I always think, "That's not really you." But that's not really fair to him. For now, that's what he feels he is to do. I don't believe it's who he really is but I know where is he is coming from, I don't judge him for it. I just wish I could help.
I woke up this morning feeling off and especially annoyed at my dream catcher. "You're supposed to keep away bad dream not harbor them! Ugh, it's probably because it's cheaply made." I'm sure that had nothing to do with it but I do have a bit of a vain streak that I used to hate. Now I'm just learning to accept my flaws and see where my perception has gone astray. I tried reasoning with myself that maybe it wasn't a bad dream but helped me to see what was going on with my heart. Which, honestly, could be very true. I wasn't even able to function right when I finally woke up. My body felt more exhausted then it ever does and I didn't consider the fact that I had been going and going all weekend. I immediately began being hard on myself. But intuitive guidance told me to hold close to my cloak and see what was going on in my own heart.
"You're afraid." I heard it instantly. I didn't think about fear. All I could think about was the fact that I was slacking off today and yes, that made me a little anxious but not full on fear. "You're afraid of failure." It made more sense. I was getting back into that judgmental mindset which made me feel completely incapable of doing anything. It made me not want to try at all because failure is what I feared would come true. Why fear failure? It's not something to be afraid of but to embrace when it happens and see what you can learn from it. But it wasn't finished there was still something I wasn't seeing. I put the cloak to my face and closed me eyes, opening up my heart. "See what you are afraid of." I looked down and saw a note that I'd written to my brother one morning. The note said on it, "I love you, my brother. I hope you are blessed in all you do today." He'd written back on it, "Thanks, same to you." The note had made me really happy; seeing my brother's handwriting and what he said back. I remember hoping that when he saw it, it had made him smile.
But seeing that note reminded me of the dream I had and I wondered if that what was making me feel fearful this morning. Maybe not the dream but the realization of what was going on in my heart. I was worried about him and about how he would act with Amanda and John.
I've been worried about him, in general. This is where I have to have faith and believe in who he really is. Just like how my mom had faith in me and everyone else. I have to do the same for him. I have to believe he's trying the best that he knows how[and I already do believe that] but that things will end well for him. It's very hard to watch him suffer though, it is scary. But my love for him is stronger and I will take courage in that. I love my brother and I am still very glad I gave him my most recent painting. Hopefully I can continue to strive to help Amanda and John in whatever way I'm guided to. I really don't want to help them feel more isolated and rejected.
I think sometimes I get overwhelmed with the fact that I still have so many things to work on and it didn't feel like I getting much of anymore. Metaphorically speaking it feels like I am running tires in the mud and every time I get out of the rut I'll eventually slide back into it, except it's even deeper this time. Thus, giving me that hopeless feeling. It's not true, really. I hope it's not. I feel like I am getting somewhere. If even by little increments. And maybe my mistakes seem bigger then they really are. Falling off kilter effects me a lot more differently then it used to. I get this feeling of desperation; a small screaming voice in my heart saying, "Life is more than this!" This used to only happen in the most desperate of moments or the most bleak but not it happens almost every time I start feeling off or 'numb'. It's okay, it does help keep me motivated and truly interested in life.
It's 2:12 and I've only written this blog and read a little. Not sure what to do but I know doing something constructive should help. Sadly, I'm even feeling bogged down with that. But not doing it seems even worse and brings back a familiar feeling that I don't like feeling. One that I felt before all the change I went through. Well! With every stage there are your stumbling blocks but you can always use the things that are meant to break you as something that sets you free.
Wish me luck! ^_~
-Eli
When I went to sleep last night with the brand new dream catcher hanging over my bed I hoped for sweet dreams. Turns out I had the exact opposite. As with all dreams I'm not sure where the dream began or every detail about it but the main gist of it was that my brother was infuriated with John and Amanda[two boarders we have staying at our house]. This isn't too far from the truth...
Funny thing is, he's the one who invited them here and at first it was mom and I who were getting annoyed with them. Before they came here I knew there would probably be little things here and there that bothered me about them just like with anyone you live with and I wanted my main focus to be a source of love for them. From the very beginning I wasn't going into the situation expecting that to be easy. But let's just say after a few weeks I didn't want to have to be social every time I walked into my living room. Not only that, we had a problem with food because Amanda burns everything[leaving mom and I to break our backs cleaning the dishes] and even though they buy their own food they eat ours. It was ticking me off and I knew I wasn't being very understanding because truly they are just young adults who don't realize they're being inconsiderate. Heck, I've been there before and I still do it. So I mentioned to them a couple of times to calm down on eating our food, it hasn't helped that much but I thought, "Hell! God said that we should worry about bread to eat or clothing to wear, he can provide anything for us." Reminding myself that the important matter here was love. I didn't think it was right to just let them continue on with their behavior if even for the simple factor that when they live on their own they will quickly eat all their food away and other people may not be as hospitable.
Then a new problem arouse, my brother is getting tired of them. Which, when my brother doesn't want someone around, it's usually not hard to tell. He's been avoiding them the passed few days and being kinda' cold with them. We all agreed that we didn't want them to feel uncomfortable here and even if things didn't work out we wouldn't be another family that rejected them. All of us had to know that would be easier said then done. People have flaws and with those flaws our own are brought out. I can see how the situation could lead to despair and I remember feeling really bad for Amanda and John last night.
I don't know how I would feel if the person who invited me to live with them didn't want me around anymore. I try not to see Sam this way but sometimes I don't feel like he really is diplomatic at all. But then again, he never ceases to surprise me. Because he's really not a self-centered guy, he's just been hurt a lot like anyone else.
The dream started with him being angry at them and then bringing in other friends to the house who all proceeded to ignore them. Maybe this was my interpretation of Sam bringing over Josh and not hanging out with John at all? For some reason I was furious with the way he was treating them and I gave him an ear full. I remember this part of the conversation as my brother defends, "John was being very controlling! Who does he think he is?!" And my response was, "That doesn't mean you have to act that way in return!! You know that you care!"
And that's when the dream became sad, heart wrenchingly so. His tone changed as it does sometimes and I remember my vision closed in on his eyes as they became softer. I could tell he didn't want to say what he was about to say to me, "But Elizabeth, I'm not what you think I am. I don't care. I'm a monster."
An old familiar pain swept over me and I screamed at him, "No, you're not! You're not a monster!" I'm pretty sure the dream faded away into something else. I felt like I was sobbing at this point. Suffice to say, the stuff with John and Amanda brought back old memories as I remember him saying something very similar to me before and I knowing it was a lie with all my heart; yet feeling heart broken by it all the same.
For anyone who doesn't know me, it may not make as much sense as to why I care so much about where my brother is in life but growing up we were inseparable to put it lightly. We moved around a lot so we were the only friends we had. We share everything and we were best friends. But things do change and while we still love each other this much, we have grown farther apart. There is still a deep pain from the realization of what has been happening with my brother, the knowledge of it. So when situations come up and I see him act so coldly to people, I always think, "That's not really you." But that's not really fair to him. For now, that's what he feels he is to do. I don't believe it's who he really is but I know where is he is coming from, I don't judge him for it. I just wish I could help.
I woke up this morning feeling off and especially annoyed at my dream catcher. "You're supposed to keep away bad dream not harbor them! Ugh, it's probably because it's cheaply made." I'm sure that had nothing to do with it but I do have a bit of a vain streak that I used to hate. Now I'm just learning to accept my flaws and see where my perception has gone astray. I tried reasoning with myself that maybe it wasn't a bad dream but helped me to see what was going on with my heart. Which, honestly, could be very true. I wasn't even able to function right when I finally woke up. My body felt more exhausted then it ever does and I didn't consider the fact that I had been going and going all weekend. I immediately began being hard on myself. But intuitive guidance told me to hold close to my cloak and see what was going on in my own heart.
"You're afraid." I heard it instantly. I didn't think about fear. All I could think about was the fact that I was slacking off today and yes, that made me a little anxious but not full on fear. "You're afraid of failure." It made more sense. I was getting back into that judgmental mindset which made me feel completely incapable of doing anything. It made me not want to try at all because failure is what I feared would come true. Why fear failure? It's not something to be afraid of but to embrace when it happens and see what you can learn from it. But it wasn't finished there was still something I wasn't seeing. I put the cloak to my face and closed me eyes, opening up my heart. "See what you are afraid of." I looked down and saw a note that I'd written to my brother one morning. The note said on it, "I love you, my brother. I hope you are blessed in all you do today." He'd written back on it, "Thanks, same to you." The note had made me really happy; seeing my brother's handwriting and what he said back. I remember hoping that when he saw it, it had made him smile.
But seeing that note reminded me of the dream I had and I wondered if that what was making me feel fearful this morning. Maybe not the dream but the realization of what was going on in my heart. I was worried about him and about how he would act with Amanda and John.
I've been worried about him, in general. This is where I have to have faith and believe in who he really is. Just like how my mom had faith in me and everyone else. I have to do the same for him. I have to believe he's trying the best that he knows how[and I already do believe that] but that things will end well for him. It's very hard to watch him suffer though, it is scary. But my love for him is stronger and I will take courage in that. I love my brother and I am still very glad I gave him my most recent painting. Hopefully I can continue to strive to help Amanda and John in whatever way I'm guided to. I really don't want to help them feel more isolated and rejected.
I think sometimes I get overwhelmed with the fact that I still have so many things to work on and it didn't feel like I getting much of anymore. Metaphorically speaking it feels like I am running tires in the mud and every time I get out of the rut I'll eventually slide back into it, except it's even deeper this time. Thus, giving me that hopeless feeling. It's not true, really. I hope it's not. I feel like I am getting somewhere. If even by little increments. And maybe my mistakes seem bigger then they really are. Falling off kilter effects me a lot more differently then it used to. I get this feeling of desperation; a small screaming voice in my heart saying, "Life is more than this!" This used to only happen in the most desperate of moments or the most bleak but not it happens almost every time I start feeling off or 'numb'. It's okay, it does help keep me motivated and truly interested in life.
It's 2:12 and I've only written this blog and read a little. Not sure what to do but I know doing something constructive should help. Sadly, I'm even feeling bogged down with that. But not doing it seems even worse and brings back a familiar feeling that I don't like feeling. One that I felt before all the change I went through. Well! With every stage there are your stumbling blocks but you can always use the things that are meant to break you as something that sets you free.
Wish me luck! ^_~
-Eli
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Hope
Like a river, I feel hope flow through me.
Today, I wondered if I was being too lazy. I felt more needy then usual. I wanted to lay around me. Maybe it was just 'super relaxed'. But it felt off. I wanted to be more in the game and I honestly felt kinda' lost. Almost as though I were just drifting. The things is this is how I used to live. Drifting.
I didn't get to go to church tonight so I pulled off in my room. Tears spilled as I prayed for insight. I looked to my mama, that moon. I could hear her telling me to listen to my heart. To really hear.
It was telling me that these tears fell because I loved. I know that I am fulfilled, I know that I am happy. I know that I am free, filled with integrity, inspired, inspiring. I am brave and truthful. I am everything I have ever wanted or needed to me.
I heard myself say, "But wasn't I supposed to see beautiful colors and leave the restraints of my body? Wasn't I supposed to hear soft, beckoning music or listless pleasure come over me."
Then I saw it, it wasn't needed. In this simple place of serenity that I found there was all that I would ever need. A still but wonderful place. A place where hope is born and where it lives. This place is deep within all our cores and once you find it you realized that it's not about asking, "What can I do to fulfill myself but what can I do to fulfill others?" Because you are already full of everything you need to be happy. You ARE happy. There is no waiting, there is no tomorrow. It's true. You are loved and you are accepted unconditionally. You will always be able to live your true dreams and nothing can destroy you. There is nothing to fear and we are already becoming loved. It's seeing that truly all we are doing is undoing the unuseful ideas we once had and learning to live a life free.
It's there, for us all. Just waiting with a patient and soft smile. Mama and papa, sister and brother, grandpaw and grandmaw, cousins and lovers, friends and trouble makers who were the best thing to happen to us. It's there within all of these people. Waiting, waiting. To show us our true colors.
"In every color, there is a light.
In every stone, sleeps a crystal.
Remember the shaman when he used to say,
'Man is the dream of the dolphin.'"
For once in all my years, I feel a peace because I am home. This is my home. And I know why I want so badly to be a light because I want other people to feel this truth, as well. To feel this light within their own hearts and see there is nothing to fear. That the whole universe is waiting to show us many wonderful things! We are part of a miraculous living. We are part of Love.
Today, I wondered if I was being too lazy. I felt more needy then usual. I wanted to lay around me. Maybe it was just 'super relaxed'. But it felt off. I wanted to be more in the game and I honestly felt kinda' lost. Almost as though I were just drifting. The things is this is how I used to live. Drifting.
I didn't get to go to church tonight so I pulled off in my room. Tears spilled as I prayed for insight. I looked to my mama, that moon. I could hear her telling me to listen to my heart. To really hear.
It was telling me that these tears fell because I loved. I know that I am fulfilled, I know that I am happy. I know that I am free, filled with integrity, inspired, inspiring. I am brave and truthful. I am everything I have ever wanted or needed to me.
I heard myself say, "But wasn't I supposed to see beautiful colors and leave the restraints of my body? Wasn't I supposed to hear soft, beckoning music or listless pleasure come over me."
Then I saw it, it wasn't needed. In this simple place of serenity that I found there was all that I would ever need. A still but wonderful place. A place where hope is born and where it lives. This place is deep within all our cores and once you find it you realized that it's not about asking, "What can I do to fulfill myself but what can I do to fulfill others?" Because you are already full of everything you need to be happy. You ARE happy. There is no waiting, there is no tomorrow. It's true. You are loved and you are accepted unconditionally. You will always be able to live your true dreams and nothing can destroy you. There is nothing to fear and we are already becoming loved. It's seeing that truly all we are doing is undoing the unuseful ideas we once had and learning to live a life free.
It's there, for us all. Just waiting with a patient and soft smile. Mama and papa, sister and brother, grandpaw and grandmaw, cousins and lovers, friends and trouble makers who were the best thing to happen to us. It's there within all of these people. Waiting, waiting. To show us our true colors.
"In every color, there is a light.
In every stone, sleeps a crystal.
Remember the shaman when he used to say,
'Man is the dream of the dolphin.'"
For once in all my years, I feel a peace because I am home. This is my home. And I know why I want so badly to be a light because I want other people to feel this truth, as well. To feel this light within their own hearts and see there is nothing to fear. That the whole universe is waiting to show us many wonderful things! We are part of a miraculous living. We are part of Love.
Friday, May 13, 2011
"The only true failure in life is to stop learning."
So, yesterday was pretty much one of my breaking points. I'm starting to see that I'm going to be having these points in my life on and off. As Laurie told, after a while you begin to realize that this is just part of life. We have our good times and then we have our down times. For creative people, this can be pretty catastrophic because we are prone to make something small into something terribly big.
I was able to see the root issue with where I was coming from. I believe God was directing me towards the path of forgiveness. I had no idea how deeply rooted I had been judging myself. To the degree of perfectionism which is something that I can never achieve and I believe that is where the panic came from. I felt my worth would only be found once I could achieve this perfection. I believed with all my heart that you had to earn things in life and worth was another one of those things, along with love. But there was a small voice inside of my heart that was terrified, that hated myself. Because I knew that I could never reach that and so I assumed that meant I just wasn't good enough. I would never be good enough.
I didn't realize how much I was hurting myself and how hard I had been being on myself. It really was mean but even that I understand now. I needed something to believe in and that was all I had left. I had to believe that even if this world wasn't so great, I could make it a better place. I had to believe it was possible. But now I see it;
When I was dancing and praising God in the crowd with everyone else the other night I remember looking around wondering, "Why do you love us? Why do you love us when we are like this? How can you love me?" I felt there were so many reasons not to. And then there was a simple reply in my heart, "You're my family. I don't care about what you do, I'll always love you." I felt it then, a feeling of acceptance. From everyone. Suddenly I really saw us all for who we were, they were all my family and they would always accept me. HE would always accept me. It didn't matter if the whole universe was against the human race, He wasn't. He loved us and we are a part of His family. He believes in us.
And now I see that I really shouldn't be so hard on myself. A person does the best they can and sometimes they really do mess up in big ways but that doesn't take away from their worth and there isn't anything to feel guilty about. Our mistakes are there to learn from not condemn ourselves over.
My counselor today told me that the only real failure to make in this life is to stop learning. If you can't learn from your mistakes then you won't be able to move forward and will continue to repeat it over and over again.
It's such a freeing realization, all I need to do is forgive myself. Of course, I strive on and try my hardest to do the best I can but I really do have to work on forgiving myself and loving myself unconditionally. No matter what. Even after I say that I 'hate myself'. I strive onward!!
Pray for the kitty KB, she really is a wonderful kitten and she has been through alot I believe. Who knows where her family is and I think something is wrong with her leg. I love her to death, already and I hope that she can find a good home somewhere, I really do. She reminds me of Socks and that's what is so sad but inspiring at the same time. God, please be with that little kitty!
And thank-you so much for showing me the truth about the whole matter! Somehow he always does reveal the truth to me no matter how complex it may seem to me at the time. I know that I don't need to listen to fear's intuition anymore, either. That's a big no no. lol
-Eli
I was able to see the root issue with where I was coming from. I believe God was directing me towards the path of forgiveness. I had no idea how deeply rooted I had been judging myself. To the degree of perfectionism which is something that I can never achieve and I believe that is where the panic came from. I felt my worth would only be found once I could achieve this perfection. I believed with all my heart that you had to earn things in life and worth was another one of those things, along with love. But there was a small voice inside of my heart that was terrified, that hated myself. Because I knew that I could never reach that and so I assumed that meant I just wasn't good enough. I would never be good enough.
I didn't realize how much I was hurting myself and how hard I had been being on myself. It really was mean but even that I understand now. I needed something to believe in and that was all I had left. I had to believe that even if this world wasn't so great, I could make it a better place. I had to believe it was possible. But now I see it;
When I was dancing and praising God in the crowd with everyone else the other night I remember looking around wondering, "Why do you love us? Why do you love us when we are like this? How can you love me?" I felt there were so many reasons not to. And then there was a simple reply in my heart, "You're my family. I don't care about what you do, I'll always love you." I felt it then, a feeling of acceptance. From everyone. Suddenly I really saw us all for who we were, they were all my family and they would always accept me. HE would always accept me. It didn't matter if the whole universe was against the human race, He wasn't. He loved us and we are a part of His family. He believes in us.
And now I see that I really shouldn't be so hard on myself. A person does the best they can and sometimes they really do mess up in big ways but that doesn't take away from their worth and there isn't anything to feel guilty about. Our mistakes are there to learn from not condemn ourselves over.
My counselor today told me that the only real failure to make in this life is to stop learning. If you can't learn from your mistakes then you won't be able to move forward and will continue to repeat it over and over again.
It's such a freeing realization, all I need to do is forgive myself. Of course, I strive on and try my hardest to do the best I can but I really do have to work on forgiving myself and loving myself unconditionally. No matter what. Even after I say that I 'hate myself'. I strive onward!!
Pray for the kitty KB, she really is a wonderful kitten and she has been through alot I believe. Who knows where her family is and I think something is wrong with her leg. I love her to death, already and I hope that she can find a good home somewhere, I really do. She reminds me of Socks and that's what is so sad but inspiring at the same time. God, please be with that little kitty!
And thank-you so much for showing me the truth about the whole matter! Somehow he always does reveal the truth to me no matter how complex it may seem to me at the time. I know that I don't need to listen to fear's intuition anymore, either. That's a big no no. lol
-Eli
Thursday, May 12, 2011
It's me.
Over the passed few days I've been dealing with some intense anxiety and because of that I was looking more closely at myself a couple of nights ago. I called out "Jesus Christ." And immediately was overwhelmed with a wonderful feeling. Then, I started to feel more fear then I had before. I listened to what was going on in my heart and I forgave myself. The next day I was actually doing very good. I felt really insync with myself and I was happily living out the day. But then I started becoming ungrounded again, the voices were back. I could hear them jumbling up everything I believe again.
All of the sudden I felt terrible about who I was and I wasn't sure what I believed in. It was so easy to totally derail me and when I got home I was purely exhausted, emotionally and physically. I sobbed a little bit then fell asleep. Afterwards I went to church and during praise and worship I really felt myself lifted. I could feel a pure sense of peace fill me. All these wonderful things entering my mind. God was telling me he loved all of us, like a family. It didn't matter if we weren't perfect or even 'bad people' in my eyes. He loved us because we were his family. I really did feel loved in that moment and not just by him but everyone. I was soaring, again.
It began to slip again after the night progressed but it really helped alot. My friend brought me to the Helena Falls and we talked for a few hours about different things in our lives. What a beautiful and peaceful place. When I looked to the moon I got a sense of hope and peace in my soul and heart. As though she were telling me, "You've been trying very hard."
I came home to mom and I was crying in a way that I didn't think I would infront of someone else. It wasn't just tears of pain but fear. Real fear. I was so scared to slip again and so scared that my life would never truly be mine. I could feel that I felt like no matter what I did I knew I'd never really be able to see things for what they are. And I knew no higher being would have sympathy on me. And I knew no matter how much I wanted to believe words are just words, my actions showed that I really wasn't anything. That's how it felt even though my behavior has changed drastically. It was terrifying. Because I want so badly in my own heart to Love. To have meaning, MEANING. I knew life was more but I never wanted it to be more like this. Half feeling crazy and half feeling like I stepped into a realm that I shouldn't have. Granted, I wouldn't have ever changed had I not. I still don't understand completely and I may never will but I just wish that I could...I want to be more! I want to see things for what they truly are I want to live for something important and good and loving.
Yes, there is more to life then just those things and I am not wanting to strip anything away from the experience of life but I would like to head towards those things. I want to keep making a difference in people's lives. I really do. There is a part of me that it seems like doesn't feel anything, doesn't care. Maybe only cares about having to feeling. It's a part of me that feels like it just wants to sleep, sleep. I don't understand this part of me, maybe there really isn't anything to it. But I am so tired of it. Yet, I am also so tired of this. I'm tired of not really feeling like I'm getting anywhere. Or feeling like I'll always be this unfeeling, uncaring thing! I don't want to be that!
I also hate the feeling that the important parts of me aren't really even me. That I have no say so. That I am just this lifeless consciousness that takes orders and that's all I am about. But all I want to do is escape. What is that? I found myself asking the other day, "What the hell am I?" I truly didn't understand myself. Used to, I had this image of who I was. Now, I just don't know who I am. I seem to know a bit about who I really am and luckily from what I've seen that never changes.
I keep getting this feeling, since my own thoughts and feelings can be heard by whoever these people are that I'm under the spotlight and I'm constantly failing in their minds. I get this feeling of unworthiness, of not being good enough. Of being a failure, pathetic. I..I don't know if that's the truth or what. I know the angel's didn't make me feel that way but they did show me where things were bad. Now it all mixes together in my head. Now I feel everything is a ruse. Sometimes I feel this way. Where I feel I can't trust anything. That the human race is really nothing at all, all living facades and lies, not really even knowing what we are. And that the higher powers and the other beings over us know the truth. Yet some pull our strings for this direction or that. I don't really believe that, though. For some reason, I just don't believe that anymore.
I know there is more to my God and I know there is more to everything in general. Maybe there are some creatures or beings out there that do want to trick us but I don't think it's only that. I know there is more to this life. And that's my conviction. I can feel it in my heart and knowing, no, a strength. A feeling that this is something I must believe in. We need hope.
I don't want to be another person adding the list of hopeless. I understand completely how easy it is to slip into that and it's exactly why I can't! I want people to be able to feel hope when they are around me. I need it. I truly need it. I can't ever put that feeling into words but I want that so badly. Parts of me say that if I really did I wouldn't have so much trouble with it.
I can't fool myself into believing I'm some kind of courage filled hero. A lot of the times I'm a coward. I settle for less. I'm too afraid to speak up. I'd rather be in my comfort zone then step outside of it. I judge other people, I judge myself. Harshly, at times. I can't get control over my thoughts. The list goes on and on. And then this part of me that doesn't seem to feel at all. It's not peace, it's nothing. Nothing at all. It's an emptiness and it doesn't matter that it's an emptiness. When I am like this, it's the closest thing I can image to be the living dead. I don't want to be this person!!! Yet, sometimes even my pain feel pointless.
I understand that I may be all of those things that I mentioned. But this is all I have. I don't want to be perfect right now. I can't be, anyway. I just want to be able to live to the best of my abilities. I don't even have to be some renowned hero, though my heart wishes to do great things. I just want to make a difference, SOME HOW. I want to leave behind a message of hope and love. I don't care if it's the ultimate truth. I don't care if it's the ultimate anything. It's me. And me is all I truly have. I have to be me. I have to love me for all my quirks and everything. I have to follow what's right in my heart no matter what they may be. A part of me feels I shouldn't be disillusioned by things and believe in something that isn't the truth. But for me IT IS. I am following my truth. I want to believe in this because I think it's important. I think it's important for people to have hope when they need it the most, to believe in their dreams, to reach for excellence! Maybe it's not what I am but what I want to be. But somehow, even this person has a purpose, if not to just live. I'll try my best to make the most of it. It's part of the human condition. We're not glorious to ourselves all the time. Sometimes I think we might really hate ourselves. Sometimes I think we might really not like what we see. Sometimes, maybe we aren't the best that we could be. It's okay. It's okay.
The biggest message of all for me is forgiveness. Forgive yourself. I'm still trying.
-Eli
All of the sudden I felt terrible about who I was and I wasn't sure what I believed in. It was so easy to totally derail me and when I got home I was purely exhausted, emotionally and physically. I sobbed a little bit then fell asleep. Afterwards I went to church and during praise and worship I really felt myself lifted. I could feel a pure sense of peace fill me. All these wonderful things entering my mind. God was telling me he loved all of us, like a family. It didn't matter if we weren't perfect or even 'bad people' in my eyes. He loved us because we were his family. I really did feel loved in that moment and not just by him but everyone. I was soaring, again.
It began to slip again after the night progressed but it really helped alot. My friend brought me to the Helena Falls and we talked for a few hours about different things in our lives. What a beautiful and peaceful place. When I looked to the moon I got a sense of hope and peace in my soul and heart. As though she were telling me, "You've been trying very hard."
I came home to mom and I was crying in a way that I didn't think I would infront of someone else. It wasn't just tears of pain but fear. Real fear. I was so scared to slip again and so scared that my life would never truly be mine. I could feel that I felt like no matter what I did I knew I'd never really be able to see things for what they are. And I knew no higher being would have sympathy on me. And I knew no matter how much I wanted to believe words are just words, my actions showed that I really wasn't anything. That's how it felt even though my behavior has changed drastically. It was terrifying. Because I want so badly in my own heart to Love. To have meaning, MEANING. I knew life was more but I never wanted it to be more like this. Half feeling crazy and half feeling like I stepped into a realm that I shouldn't have. Granted, I wouldn't have ever changed had I not. I still don't understand completely and I may never will but I just wish that I could...I want to be more! I want to see things for what they truly are I want to live for something important and good and loving.
Yes, there is more to life then just those things and I am not wanting to strip anything away from the experience of life but I would like to head towards those things. I want to keep making a difference in people's lives. I really do. There is a part of me that it seems like doesn't feel anything, doesn't care. Maybe only cares about having to feeling. It's a part of me that feels like it just wants to sleep, sleep. I don't understand this part of me, maybe there really isn't anything to it. But I am so tired of it. Yet, I am also so tired of this. I'm tired of not really feeling like I'm getting anywhere. Or feeling like I'll always be this unfeeling, uncaring thing! I don't want to be that!
I also hate the feeling that the important parts of me aren't really even me. That I have no say so. That I am just this lifeless consciousness that takes orders and that's all I am about. But all I want to do is escape. What is that? I found myself asking the other day, "What the hell am I?" I truly didn't understand myself. Used to, I had this image of who I was. Now, I just don't know who I am. I seem to know a bit about who I really am and luckily from what I've seen that never changes.
I keep getting this feeling, since my own thoughts and feelings can be heard by whoever these people are that I'm under the spotlight and I'm constantly failing in their minds. I get this feeling of unworthiness, of not being good enough. Of being a failure, pathetic. I..I don't know if that's the truth or what. I know the angel's didn't make me feel that way but they did show me where things were bad. Now it all mixes together in my head. Now I feel everything is a ruse. Sometimes I feel this way. Where I feel I can't trust anything. That the human race is really nothing at all, all living facades and lies, not really even knowing what we are. And that the higher powers and the other beings over us know the truth. Yet some pull our strings for this direction or that. I don't really believe that, though. For some reason, I just don't believe that anymore.
I know there is more to my God and I know there is more to everything in general. Maybe there are some creatures or beings out there that do want to trick us but I don't think it's only that. I know there is more to this life. And that's my conviction. I can feel it in my heart and knowing, no, a strength. A feeling that this is something I must believe in. We need hope.
I don't want to be another person adding the list of hopeless. I understand completely how easy it is to slip into that and it's exactly why I can't! I want people to be able to feel hope when they are around me. I need it. I truly need it. I can't ever put that feeling into words but I want that so badly. Parts of me say that if I really did I wouldn't have so much trouble with it.
I can't fool myself into believing I'm some kind of courage filled hero. A lot of the times I'm a coward. I settle for less. I'm too afraid to speak up. I'd rather be in my comfort zone then step outside of it. I judge other people, I judge myself. Harshly, at times. I can't get control over my thoughts. The list goes on and on. And then this part of me that doesn't seem to feel at all. It's not peace, it's nothing. Nothing at all. It's an emptiness and it doesn't matter that it's an emptiness. When I am like this, it's the closest thing I can image to be the living dead. I don't want to be this person!!! Yet, sometimes even my pain feel pointless.
I understand that I may be all of those things that I mentioned. But this is all I have. I don't want to be perfect right now. I can't be, anyway. I just want to be able to live to the best of my abilities. I don't even have to be some renowned hero, though my heart wishes to do great things. I just want to make a difference, SOME HOW. I want to leave behind a message of hope and love. I don't care if it's the ultimate truth. I don't care if it's the ultimate anything. It's me. And me is all I truly have. I have to be me. I have to love me for all my quirks and everything. I have to follow what's right in my heart no matter what they may be. A part of me feels I shouldn't be disillusioned by things and believe in something that isn't the truth. But for me IT IS. I am following my truth. I want to believe in this because I think it's important. I think it's important for people to have hope when they need it the most, to believe in their dreams, to reach for excellence! Maybe it's not what I am but what I want to be. But somehow, even this person has a purpose, if not to just live. I'll try my best to make the most of it. It's part of the human condition. We're not glorious to ourselves all the time. Sometimes I think we might really hate ourselves. Sometimes I think we might really not like what we see. Sometimes, maybe we aren't the best that we could be. It's okay. It's okay.
The biggest message of all for me is forgiveness. Forgive yourself. I'm still trying.
-Eli
Monday, May 9, 2011
Give me the heart of a child, at last!
After I finally got grounded, I remember thinking, "Yes! It's the beginning of a whole new life! I know much better how I am now and I can live that out."
I guess I sound like a liar when I say that I want happiness when all I can do is cry. Why am I so upset lately? I don't really know. When I try to think of ulterior ways of living it just doesn't work for me. I don't feel happy. I don't feel right about it. In fact, I sometimes start going into a panic attack. I saw it clearly before, I know this is what I want to do. I need this. But somehow...I don't know. I wanted to live with a lighter heart.
Seeing people who can get cheered up so easily, I want that. I was getting there. I remember hearing God tell me, "You've been in the darkness long enough." I remember seeing that I had felt pain for quite long enough. I don't know. I'm not trusting things and I'm not really in the mood to try and change anything. I just want to be frekain' okay for a while. To enjoy life. And I'm not blaming anyone or anything, truly. Even though I may want to. I know it's my doing but I can't blame myself either, this is part of growth.
I just find it weird that I'm trying to have a different life and there is so much hurt to deal with. They say that when going through this change someone goes through what they would call, "the ring of fear." It makes sense. I feel like I get tested everywhere I turn. Hopefully I'll do better.
I keep telling myself, "Come on! Keep going!" I know the importance of all of this. But there are parts of me that are cowardly. That when I get to a certain point which I tried to never admit to before, I just want to say, "Screw it! I don't care. I just want to get this terrible weight off my chest. I don't give a crap about meaning or anything else. I'm a failure, anyway."
It's the easy way out, I know. I know it is but in those moments I don't really give a crap. I just want to stop feeling so horrible. It makes me feel childish when I'm like that but I just feel alone. I feel like a child, I feel like someone who just wants to be loved and shown everything will be okay.
I don't want to do this alone. I don't. Maybe that's cowardly of me, I don't know. A part of me really misses Socks and I guess that's natural even though I saw it from a different perspective and all. I love this world, I love the people in it and all of it. That's why it makes me so sad that there seems to be so much hurt.
I wish there was something I could do. I'll keep trying my best so I'll be part of the solution, not the problem.
Even when I'm hurting like this I know that I need to keep trying one way or another. It's all I really live for, now.
Please keep me in your prayers, you know you're in mine. I love you all!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
The Melody Within~
"Remember, remember,
This is now, and now, and now.
Live it, feel it, cling to it.
I want to become acutely aware of all
I've taken for granted."
I've never wanted anything more then I want this. No, I need this. I can feel it in my bones, in my soul, in my heart. I need change, no matter how I get it. I want to be diligent every day. I want to keep my spirit alive and awake with everything I do. I have alot of useless idea's that I don't want anymore but I think in time I can work to let them go.
Today, I had been feeling a little off though it was Mother's Day so I spent most of the day cleaning up around the house and doing a few other chores. But later on we went to the park and I listened to the soothing streams.
I received this intuitively;
Don't be ashamed of who you are, people need the love that is waiting. Be Real, be someone whole and true.
For this, I will stay determined. I don't care what I have to do. I have to keep fighting for what I'm trying to do because this is far to important to give up on. I know I'm afraid, I'm willing to admit that. I'm willing to admit that I have my doubts and that there is a big part of me that is trying to tell me that I can never do this. That I CAN'T change and that I haven't been changing. That's it's all big talk and shit. But it's NOT. I know what is going on in my heart and I don't care. I'll keep trying to change. I'll keep trying to believe. This is not something I am willing to give up on. I believe in Love because I believe in life have MORE. I believe in life having meaning. No, I am not okay with life becoming a true hell for us all. This is not what we need, we have the chance to enter heaven's gate.
It's all there inside of us. I know this and I won't let myself forget or fall back asleep.
I'm about to try and start working on a Course in Miracles studies and start becoming more disciplined.
I have some weights on my heart and I'm not really sure why but I just feel sad. I remember thinking today, "How can someone who wants to be happy have so many tears?" I haven't cried this much or felt this much pain in years. It's not really a bad thing, it's mostly a release but I do feel everything so much more strongly.
Honestly, it reminds me of when I was younger and I had problems with depression. It's before I'd really built up my emotional walls. I felt a lot of emotional pain and wasn't the easiest person to be around. I felt a lot of anger towards everyone. I didn't feel understood, something inside of me was brooding. I was frightened and felt all alone. I didn't know what to do and slowly my faith in humanity was fading.
It was so hard for me to believe that another person could actually care for me as I cared for them. I saw people as ghosts, I didn't think much mattered to them. And other people, their problems would always be more important than me. I was invisible but there was a small girl so far deeply within in me screaming, "I CARE! I CARE SO MUCH! I want to show them that I love them, I want to be someone beautiful!"
Girls, have you ever just wanted to be that jewel? Not physically even, but someone that you could truly call a lady, a mother? A sister? I WANT so terribly to understand other's and to love them with all my heart and soul. I want to reconnect, I want to let go of all the pain but I think I'd need to tell everyone that I forgive them and that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for the masks I wore. I'm so sorry for not being true.
I want so badly for you to know I love you and for you to see that I want you love, too. But it's so hard for me to believe in people sincerity. When I hear someone opening up it honestly scares me because that means I have to open up. Opening up is actually risking getting hurt. But the truth is, opening up is being you. Opening up is being honest and it's being real. Everything else is a lie. Being you is being you. If someone can't open up in return they have their own reasons but you have to be yourself to really feel like a sincere person. I want to be. It's hard for me to take that chance. Because I always fear I'll stop being loved. That people will call me a freak. It's okay, though. Love is boundless. So am I.
I surrender all this pain to you, Dad, my heavenly father. I surrender all this guilt and all this chagrin. I surrender all these feelings of shame and not being accepted. I usually feel that no one will take me seriously because of my beliefs. That I'm just some brainwashed wimp. I'm not.
I went to a place where I honestly had NO clue what to believe, this is where my heart lead me. This is where who I really am, lead me. I have to stop being so concerned with how people see me and just be me. It's okay for me to be me. It's just who I am and I can't change that. It can make me feel kind of lonely sometimes but I know I'm not alone and that there are many people who love and support me.
I'm struggling a little right now but it's part of growing up. Just send me your prayers, thoughts and love. I'll need it. Either way, I hope everyone has a brilliant day! I love you all.
Please give me strength, Father God. I really need it. I love you! My best friend. I am so sorry that I always have so much trouble seeing you for who you are. You really are my friend before anything else. Someone that I care and love deeply. Sometimes I fear that people will judge me. I remember what I thought of people who believed in you before all of this. That's not what it is about at all and it was frankly mean. But I understand that I just felt abandoned. You really are much more then I had thought before. My life has been changed forever but I am so afraid of falling back into my old ways. Part of me wants to fight it but that seems to make it worse.
I want to believe!!! So much! I knew it would be harder once I was grounded and things would try to change me back but I just can't! No, I won't. I won't.
The Melody Within
-Eli
This is now, and now, and now.
Live it, feel it, cling to it.
I want to become acutely aware of all
I've taken for granted."
I've never wanted anything more then I want this. No, I need this. I can feel it in my bones, in my soul, in my heart. I need change, no matter how I get it. I want to be diligent every day. I want to keep my spirit alive and awake with everything I do. I have alot of useless idea's that I don't want anymore but I think in time I can work to let them go.
Today, I had been feeling a little off though it was Mother's Day so I spent most of the day cleaning up around the house and doing a few other chores. But later on we went to the park and I listened to the soothing streams.
I received this intuitively;
- True Love
- Believe
- Forgive
- Be True to God, to Who You Really Are
- Change
- Discipline
Don't be ashamed of who you are, people need the love that is waiting. Be Real, be someone whole and true.
For this, I will stay determined. I don't care what I have to do. I have to keep fighting for what I'm trying to do because this is far to important to give up on. I know I'm afraid, I'm willing to admit that. I'm willing to admit that I have my doubts and that there is a big part of me that is trying to tell me that I can never do this. That I CAN'T change and that I haven't been changing. That's it's all big talk and shit. But it's NOT. I know what is going on in my heart and I don't care. I'll keep trying to change. I'll keep trying to believe. This is not something I am willing to give up on. I believe in Love because I believe in life have MORE. I believe in life having meaning. No, I am not okay with life becoming a true hell for us all. This is not what we need, we have the chance to enter heaven's gate.
It's all there inside of us. I know this and I won't let myself forget or fall back asleep.
I'm about to try and start working on a Course in Miracles studies and start becoming more disciplined.
I have some weights on my heart and I'm not really sure why but I just feel sad. I remember thinking today, "How can someone who wants to be happy have so many tears?" I haven't cried this much or felt this much pain in years. It's not really a bad thing, it's mostly a release but I do feel everything so much more strongly.
Honestly, it reminds me of when I was younger and I had problems with depression. It's before I'd really built up my emotional walls. I felt a lot of emotional pain and wasn't the easiest person to be around. I felt a lot of anger towards everyone. I didn't feel understood, something inside of me was brooding. I was frightened and felt all alone. I didn't know what to do and slowly my faith in humanity was fading.
It was so hard for me to believe that another person could actually care for me as I cared for them. I saw people as ghosts, I didn't think much mattered to them. And other people, their problems would always be more important than me. I was invisible but there was a small girl so far deeply within in me screaming, "I CARE! I CARE SO MUCH! I want to show them that I love them, I want to be someone beautiful!"
Girls, have you ever just wanted to be that jewel? Not physically even, but someone that you could truly call a lady, a mother? A sister? I WANT so terribly to understand other's and to love them with all my heart and soul. I want to reconnect, I want to let go of all the pain but I think I'd need to tell everyone that I forgive them and that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for the masks I wore. I'm so sorry for not being true.
I want so badly for you to know I love you and for you to see that I want you love, too. But it's so hard for me to believe in people sincerity. When I hear someone opening up it honestly scares me because that means I have to open up. Opening up is actually risking getting hurt. But the truth is, opening up is being you. Opening up is being honest and it's being real. Everything else is a lie. Being you is being you. If someone can't open up in return they have their own reasons but you have to be yourself to really feel like a sincere person. I want to be. It's hard for me to take that chance. Because I always fear I'll stop being loved. That people will call me a freak. It's okay, though. Love is boundless. So am I.
I surrender all this pain to you, Dad, my heavenly father. I surrender all this guilt and all this chagrin. I surrender all these feelings of shame and not being accepted. I usually feel that no one will take me seriously because of my beliefs. That I'm just some brainwashed wimp. I'm not.
I went to a place where I honestly had NO clue what to believe, this is where my heart lead me. This is where who I really am, lead me. I have to stop being so concerned with how people see me and just be me. It's okay for me to be me. It's just who I am and I can't change that. It can make me feel kind of lonely sometimes but I know I'm not alone and that there are many people who love and support me.
I'm struggling a little right now but it's part of growing up. Just send me your prayers, thoughts and love. I'll need it. Either way, I hope everyone has a brilliant day! I love you all.
Please give me strength, Father God. I really need it. I love you! My best friend. I am so sorry that I always have so much trouble seeing you for who you are. You really are my friend before anything else. Someone that I care and love deeply. Sometimes I fear that people will judge me. I remember what I thought of people who believed in you before all of this. That's not what it is about at all and it was frankly mean. But I understand that I just felt abandoned. You really are much more then I had thought before. My life has been changed forever but I am so afraid of falling back into my old ways. Part of me wants to fight it but that seems to make it worse.
I want to believe!!! So much! I knew it would be harder once I was grounded and things would try to change me back but I just can't! No, I won't. I won't.
The Melody Within
-Eli
Thursday, May 5, 2011
| "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." |
I will post more on this post whenever I am more awake but for now I will just say that I've been trying to get back into my habits but I have been keeping up with some chores. It's a little hard to focus on school work but it's a working progress and I'm not wanting to give up.
I.L.U!
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