Okay, so yesterday I went to the dollar tree and found a dream catcher buried beneath folders. I wanted it since I already have one at my dads but not one at my mom's.
When I went to sleep last night with the brand new dream catcher hanging over my bed I hoped for sweet dreams. Turns out I had the exact opposite. As with all dreams I'm not sure where the dream began or every detail about it but the main gist of it was that my brother was infuriated with John and Amanda[two boarders we have staying at our house]. This isn't too far from the truth...
Funny thing is, he's the one who invited them here and at first it was mom and I who were getting annoyed with them. Before they came here I knew there would probably be little things here and there that bothered me about them just like with anyone you live with and I wanted my main focus to be a source of love for them. From the very beginning I wasn't going into the situation expecting that to be easy. But let's just say after a few weeks I didn't want to have to be social every time I walked into my living room. Not only that, we had a problem with food because Amanda burns everything[leaving mom and I to break our backs cleaning the dishes] and even though they buy their own food they eat ours. It was ticking me off and I knew I wasn't being very understanding because truly they are just young adults who don't realize they're being inconsiderate. Heck, I've been there before and I still do it. So I mentioned to them a couple of times to calm down on eating our food, it hasn't helped that much but I thought, "Hell! God said that we should worry about bread to eat or clothing to wear, he can provide anything for us." Reminding myself that the important matter here was love. I didn't think it was right to just let them continue on with their behavior if even for the simple factor that when they live on their own they will quickly eat all their food away and other people may not be as hospitable.
Then a new problem arouse, my brother is getting tired of them. Which, when my brother doesn't want someone around, it's usually not hard to tell. He's been avoiding them the passed few days and being kinda' cold with them. We all agreed that we didn't want them to feel uncomfortable here and even if things didn't work out we wouldn't be another family that rejected them. All of us had to know that would be easier said then done. People have flaws and with those flaws our own are brought out. I can see how the situation could lead to despair and I remember feeling really bad for Amanda and John last night.
I don't know how I would feel if the person who invited me to live with them didn't want me around anymore. I try not to see Sam this way but sometimes I don't feel like he really is diplomatic at all. But then again, he never ceases to surprise me. Because he's really not a self-centered guy, he's just been hurt a lot like anyone else.
The dream started with him being angry at them and then bringing in other friends to the house who all proceeded to ignore them. Maybe this was my interpretation of Sam bringing over Josh and not hanging out with John at all? For some reason I was furious with the way he was treating them and I gave him an ear full. I remember this part of the conversation as my brother defends, "John was being very controlling! Who does he think he is?!" And my response was, "That doesn't mean you have to act that way in return!! You know that you care!"
And that's when the dream became sad, heart wrenchingly so. His tone changed as it does sometimes and I remember my vision closed in on his eyes as they became softer. I could tell he didn't want to say what he was about to say to me, "But Elizabeth, I'm not what you think I am. I don't care. I'm a monster."
An old familiar pain swept over me and I screamed at him, "No, you're not! You're not a monster!" I'm pretty sure the dream faded away into something else. I felt like I was sobbing at this point. Suffice to say, the stuff with John and Amanda brought back old memories as I remember him saying something very similar to me before and I knowing it was a lie with all my heart; yet feeling heart broken by it all the same.
For anyone who doesn't know me, it may not make as much sense as to why I care so much about where my brother is in life but growing up we were inseparable to put it lightly. We moved around a lot so we were the only friends we had. We share everything and we were best friends. But things do change and while we still love each other this much, we have grown farther apart. There is still a deep pain from the realization of what has been happening with my brother, the knowledge of it. So when situations come up and I see him act so coldly to people, I always think, "That's not really you." But that's not really fair to him. For now, that's what he feels he is to do. I don't believe it's who he really is but I know where is he is coming from, I don't judge him for it. I just wish I could help.
I woke up this morning feeling off and especially annoyed at my dream catcher. "You're supposed to keep away bad dream not harbor them! Ugh, it's probably because it's cheaply made." I'm sure that had nothing to do with it but I do have a bit of a vain streak that I used to hate. Now I'm just learning to accept my flaws and see where my perception has gone astray. I tried reasoning with myself that maybe it wasn't a bad dream but helped me to see what was going on with my heart. Which, honestly, could be very true. I wasn't even able to function right when I finally woke up. My body felt more exhausted then it ever does and I didn't consider the fact that I had been going and going all weekend. I immediately began being hard on myself. But intuitive guidance told me to hold close to my cloak and see what was going on in my own heart.
"You're afraid." I heard it instantly. I didn't think about fear. All I could think about was the fact that I was slacking off today and yes, that made me a little anxious but not full on fear. "You're afraid of failure." It made more sense. I was getting back into that judgmental mindset which made me feel completely incapable of doing anything. It made me not want to try at all because failure is what I feared would come true. Why fear failure? It's not something to be afraid of but to embrace when it happens and see what you can learn from it. But it wasn't finished there was still something I wasn't seeing. I put the cloak to my face and closed me eyes, opening up my heart. "See what you are afraid of." I looked down and saw a note that I'd written to my brother one morning. The note said on it, "I love you, my brother. I hope you are blessed in all you do today." He'd written back on it, "Thanks, same to you." The note had made me really happy; seeing my brother's handwriting and what he said back. I remember hoping that when he saw it, it had made him smile.
But seeing that note reminded me of the dream I had and I wondered if that what was making me feel fearful this morning. Maybe not the dream but the realization of what was going on in my heart. I was worried about him and about how he would act with Amanda and John.
I've been worried about him, in general. This is where I have to have faith and believe in who he really is. Just like how my mom had faith in me and everyone else. I have to do the same for him. I have to believe he's trying the best that he knows how[and I already do believe that] but that things will end well for him. It's very hard to watch him suffer though, it is scary. But my love for him is stronger and I will take courage in that. I love my brother and I am still very glad I gave him my most recent painting. Hopefully I can continue to strive to help Amanda and John in whatever way I'm guided to. I really don't want to help them feel more isolated and rejected.
I think sometimes I get overwhelmed with the fact that I still have so many things to work on and it didn't feel like I getting much of anymore. Metaphorically speaking it feels like I am running tires in the mud and every time I get out of the rut I'll eventually slide back into it, except it's even deeper this time. Thus, giving me that hopeless feeling. It's not true, really. I hope it's not. I feel like I am getting somewhere. If even by little increments. And maybe my mistakes seem bigger then they really are. Falling off kilter effects me a lot more differently then it used to. I get this feeling of desperation; a small screaming voice in my heart saying, "Life is more than this!" This used to only happen in the most desperate of moments or the most bleak but not it happens almost every time I start feeling off or 'numb'. It's okay, it does help keep me motivated and truly interested in life.
It's 2:12 and I've only written this blog and read a little. Not sure what to do but I know doing something constructive should help. Sadly, I'm even feeling bogged down with that. But not doing it seems even worse and brings back a familiar feeling that I don't like feeling. One that I felt before all the change I went through. Well! With every stage there are your stumbling blocks but you can always use the things that are meant to break you as something that sets you free.
Wish me luck! ^_~
-Eli
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