I guess I sound like a liar when I say that I want happiness when all I can do is cry. Why am I so upset lately? I don't really know. When I try to think of ulterior ways of living it just doesn't work for me. I don't feel happy. I don't feel right about it. In fact, I sometimes start going into a panic attack. I saw it clearly before, I know this is what I want to do. I need this. But somehow...I don't know. I wanted to live with a lighter heart.
Seeing people who can get cheered up so easily, I want that. I was getting there. I remember hearing God tell me, "You've been in the darkness long enough." I remember seeing that I had felt pain for quite long enough. I don't know. I'm not trusting things and I'm not really in the mood to try and change anything. I just want to be frekain' okay for a while. To enjoy life. And I'm not blaming anyone or anything, truly. Even though I may want to. I know it's my doing but I can't blame myself either, this is part of growth.
I just find it weird that I'm trying to have a different life and there is so much hurt to deal with. They say that when going through this change someone goes through what they would call, "the ring of fear." It makes sense. I feel like I get tested everywhere I turn. Hopefully I'll do better.
I keep telling myself, "Come on! Keep going!" I know the importance of all of this. But there are parts of me that are cowardly. That when I get to a certain point which I tried to never admit to before, I just want to say, "Screw it! I don't care. I just want to get this terrible weight off my chest. I don't give a crap about meaning or anything else. I'm a failure, anyway."
It's the easy way out, I know. I know it is but in those moments I don't really give a crap. I just want to stop feeling so horrible. It makes me feel childish when I'm like that but I just feel alone. I feel like a child, I feel like someone who just wants to be loved and shown everything will be okay.
I don't want to do this alone. I don't. Maybe that's cowardly of me, I don't know. A part of me really misses Socks and I guess that's natural even though I saw it from a different perspective and all. I love this world, I love the people in it and all of it. That's why it makes me so sad that there seems to be so much hurt.
I wish there was something I could do. I'll keep trying my best so I'll be part of the solution, not the problem.
Even when I'm hurting like this I know that I need to keep trying one way or another. It's all I really live for, now.
Please keep me in your prayers, you know you're in mine. I love you all!
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