I'm back! And I rarely write this much but I like it and that I feel it is important enough to take the time out of the day to write down what is going on in my mind. I feel like if I don't write down what I learn then I won't have reference when I surely face the issue again. This is most definitely a blog used for me to look back on as I progress. "Those who do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it." I don't want that. I want to move forward, continually. Even if it is slowly it is surely. I will eventually have things built up from all of this.
Amanda burnt the rice again, the other night. I felt almost astonished with how much this upset me. I was ready for her to burn other things since she hasn't stopped burning things since she's been cooking but I thought she knew just how hard it was for us to clean out the pot last time she burnt the rice.
I was hovering over the kitchen, scrubbing away at the pot when I found myself feeling frustrated. Why did she freaking have to cook rice again?! Jeesh. I hate having to clean this out but I guess she doesn't care about anyone but herself. And then it hit me. I knew I needed a perspective change but I didn't know how to do it. First thought was, just feel it. Stop fighting against it and feel what you are feeling. By this point I was ready to throw the pot into the kitchen sink so instead I internally yelled. "Why the FUCK does she have to keep burning things?! Does she not listen to when mom tells her to keep it turned down? But of course she doesn't care! She's selfish and annoying! She's really just this ignorant little girl who doesn't care if her mistakes bother anyone else!" The last sentence even stung me. I was feeling annoyed with her in a 'why do you have to be such an idiot?' kind of way. Which just isn't fair. She is half blind and hasn't cooked much in her life. A memory passed over me. Countless times of burning and ruining food when I was younger, a sheepish smile given to my mother and her annoyance subsided with her always helping me clean up the mess. She didn't ever yell, "Why are you so dumb?!" She just said, "Don't worry, you'll get better with practice." I knew she didn't want to have to clean up my mess and I felt terrible about it but she never judged me for it. With this memory equipped I also remember other friends and people making messes for me to clean up or giving me the feeling that they didn't care. And that's what I zeroed in on, Amanda hasn't been around long enough to strike up a feeling that is years old. It was the feeling that came from not being loved. Put simply lovelessness. It always enacts this intense feeling of anger. I wasn't mad at her about the burnt rice, to me, seeing that burnt rice was instead like seeing a big F-U. Even if it didn't make any sense, it triggered that inside. So once I found the culprit of why I was angry I forgave her. "I forgive you for burning the rice, Amanda and I forgive you for the feeling that I got from you burning the rice." Then I apologized, "I'm sorry for getting angry and for thinking that you were being loveless." Lastly, I asked for a new perspective, "I ask to be given a new perspective about this and see that she wasn't being loveless she was learning and with learning comes mistakes." I thought about how I used to make countless mistakes and how much it meant to me that my mom was always there to support me, then I felt happy that I cleaned the pot for her and helped her not feel bad for making a mistake. Maybe next time I can help show her how to make rice so she can get better at cooking! Plus, it's really not healthy to eat things burnt. I should strive to be helpful not harmful in the process of growing, especially since it is only putting a hindrance on my own growth.
My anger didn't want me to accept that the reason why it made me so mad is because I perceived it as a loveless act. It wanted me to simply feel betrayed and feel as though I were entitled to this anger. For me, this helps me to see that when I listen to what my anger is actually upset about, I can see where the perception got tainted either with past hurts or un-useful ideas. I can change it and then grow from the experience. Amanda and John are here for a reason and from what I've seen the people who really get under your skin are the people who have some important lessons to show you about yourself. I'm excited to learn from it!
I'm trying to learn to see things for what they truly are instead of blindly following after my feelings which can often feel like the guidance of my heart. I want to truly see so that I can genuinely live accordingly.
Nemaste!
-Eli
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