This is now, and now, and now.
Live it, feel it, cling to it.
I want to become acutely aware of all
I've taken for granted."
I've never wanted anything more then I want this. No, I need this. I can feel it in my bones, in my soul, in my heart. I need change, no matter how I get it. I want to be diligent every day. I want to keep my spirit alive and awake with everything I do. I have alot of useless idea's that I don't want anymore but I think in time I can work to let them go.
Today, I had been feeling a little off though it was Mother's Day so I spent most of the day cleaning up around the house and doing a few other chores. But later on we went to the park and I listened to the soothing streams.
I received this intuitively;
- True Love
- Believe
- Forgive
- Be True to God, to Who You Really Are
- Change
- Discipline
Don't be ashamed of who you are, people need the love that is waiting. Be Real, be someone whole and true.
For this, I will stay determined. I don't care what I have to do. I have to keep fighting for what I'm trying to do because this is far to important to give up on. I know I'm afraid, I'm willing to admit that. I'm willing to admit that I have my doubts and that there is a big part of me that is trying to tell me that I can never do this. That I CAN'T change and that I haven't been changing. That's it's all big talk and shit. But it's NOT. I know what is going on in my heart and I don't care. I'll keep trying to change. I'll keep trying to believe. This is not something I am willing to give up on. I believe in Love because I believe in life have MORE. I believe in life having meaning. No, I am not okay with life becoming a true hell for us all. This is not what we need, we have the chance to enter heaven's gate.
It's all there inside of us. I know this and I won't let myself forget or fall back asleep.
I'm about to try and start working on a Course in Miracles studies and start becoming more disciplined.
I have some weights on my heart and I'm not really sure why but I just feel sad. I remember thinking today, "How can someone who wants to be happy have so many tears?" I haven't cried this much or felt this much pain in years. It's not really a bad thing, it's mostly a release but I do feel everything so much more strongly.
Honestly, it reminds me of when I was younger and I had problems with depression. It's before I'd really built up my emotional walls. I felt a lot of emotional pain and wasn't the easiest person to be around. I felt a lot of anger towards everyone. I didn't feel understood, something inside of me was brooding. I was frightened and felt all alone. I didn't know what to do and slowly my faith in humanity was fading.
It was so hard for me to believe that another person could actually care for me as I cared for them. I saw people as ghosts, I didn't think much mattered to them. And other people, their problems would always be more important than me. I was invisible but there was a small girl so far deeply within in me screaming, "I CARE! I CARE SO MUCH! I want to show them that I love them, I want to be someone beautiful!"
Girls, have you ever just wanted to be that jewel? Not physically even, but someone that you could truly call a lady, a mother? A sister? I WANT so terribly to understand other's and to love them with all my heart and soul. I want to reconnect, I want to let go of all the pain but I think I'd need to tell everyone that I forgive them and that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for the masks I wore. I'm so sorry for not being true.
I want so badly for you to know I love you and for you to see that I want you love, too. But it's so hard for me to believe in people sincerity. When I hear someone opening up it honestly scares me because that means I have to open up. Opening up is actually risking getting hurt. But the truth is, opening up is being you. Opening up is being honest and it's being real. Everything else is a lie. Being you is being you. If someone can't open up in return they have their own reasons but you have to be yourself to really feel like a sincere person. I want to be. It's hard for me to take that chance. Because I always fear I'll stop being loved. That people will call me a freak. It's okay, though. Love is boundless. So am I.
I surrender all this pain to you, Dad, my heavenly father. I surrender all this guilt and all this chagrin. I surrender all these feelings of shame and not being accepted. I usually feel that no one will take me seriously because of my beliefs. That I'm just some brainwashed wimp. I'm not.
I went to a place where I honestly had NO clue what to believe, this is where my heart lead me. This is where who I really am, lead me. I have to stop being so concerned with how people see me and just be me. It's okay for me to be me. It's just who I am and I can't change that. It can make me feel kind of lonely sometimes but I know I'm not alone and that there are many people who love and support me.
I'm struggling a little right now but it's part of growing up. Just send me your prayers, thoughts and love. I'll need it. Either way, I hope everyone has a brilliant day! I love you all.
Please give me strength, Father God. I really need it. I love you! My best friend. I am so sorry that I always have so much trouble seeing you for who you are. You really are my friend before anything else. Someone that I care and love deeply. Sometimes I fear that people will judge me. I remember what I thought of people who believed in you before all of this. That's not what it is about at all and it was frankly mean. But I understand that I just felt abandoned. You really are much more then I had thought before. My life has been changed forever but I am so afraid of falling back into my old ways. Part of me wants to fight it but that seems to make it worse.
I want to believe!!! So much! I knew it would be harder once I was grounded and things would try to change me back but I just can't! No, I won't. I won't.
The Melody Within
-Eli
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