It's me.

Over the passed few days I've been dealing with some intense anxiety and because of that I was looking more closely at myself a couple of nights ago. I called out "Jesus Christ." And immediately was overwhelmed with a wonderful feeling. Then, I started to feel more fear then I had before. I listened to what was going on in my heart and I forgave myself. The next day I was actually doing very good. I felt really insync with myself and I was happily living out the day. But then I started becoming ungrounded again, the voices were back. I could hear them jumbling up everything I believe again.
All of the sudden I felt terrible about who I was and I wasn't sure what I believed in. It was so easy to totally derail me and when I got home I was purely exhausted, emotionally and physically. I sobbed a little bit then fell asleep. Afterwards I went to church and during praise and worship I really felt myself lifted. I could feel a pure sense of peace fill me. All these wonderful things entering my mind. God was telling me he loved all of us, like a family. It didn't matter if we weren't perfect or even 'bad people' in my eyes. He loved us because we were his family. I really did feel loved in that moment and not just by him but everyone. I was soaring, again.

It began to slip again after the night progressed but it really helped alot. My friend brought me to the Helena Falls and we talked for a few hours about different things in our lives. What a beautiful and peaceful place. When I looked to the moon I got a sense of hope and peace in my soul and heart. As though she were telling me, "You've been trying very hard."

I came home to mom and I was crying in a way that I didn't think I would infront of someone else. It wasn't just tears of pain but fear. Real fear. I was so scared to slip again and so scared that my life would never truly be mine. I could feel that I felt like no matter what I did I knew I'd never really be able to see things for what they are. And I knew no higher being would have sympathy on me. And I knew no matter how much I wanted to believe words are just words, my actions showed that I really wasn't anything. That's how it felt even though my behavior has changed drastically. It was terrifying. Because I want so badly in my own heart to Love. To have meaning, MEANING. I knew life was more but I never wanted it to be more like this. Half feeling crazy and half feeling like I stepped into a realm that I shouldn't have. Granted, I wouldn't have ever changed had I not. I still don't understand completely and I may never will but I just wish that I could...I want to be more! I want to see things for what they truly are I want to live for something important and good and loving.
Yes, there is more to life then just those things and I am not wanting to strip anything away from the experience of life but I would like to head towards those things. I want to keep making a difference in people's lives. I really do. There is a part of me that it seems like doesn't feel anything, doesn't care. Maybe only cares about having to feeling. It's a part of me that feels like it just wants to sleep, sleep. I don't understand this part of me, maybe there really isn't anything to it. But I am so tired of it. Yet, I am also so tired of this. I'm tired of not really feeling like I'm getting anywhere. Or feeling like I'll always be this unfeeling, uncaring thing! I don't want to be that!
I also hate the feeling that the important parts of me aren't really even me. That I have no say so. That I am just this lifeless consciousness that takes orders and that's all I am about. But all I want to do is escape. What is that? I found myself asking the other day, "What the hell am I?" I truly didn't understand myself. Used to, I had this image of who I was. Now, I just don't know who I am. I seem to know a bit about who I really am and luckily from what I've seen that never changes.
I keep getting this feeling, since my own thoughts and feelings can be heard by whoever these people are that I'm under the spotlight and I'm constantly failing in their minds. I get this feeling of unworthiness, of not being good enough. Of being a failure, pathetic. I..I don't know if that's the truth or what. I know the angel's didn't make me feel that way but they did show me where things were bad. Now it all mixes together in my head. Now I feel everything is a ruse. Sometimes I feel this way. Where I feel I can't trust anything. That the human race is really nothing at all, all living facades and lies, not really even knowing what we are. And that the higher powers and the other beings over us know the truth. Yet some pull our strings for this direction or that. I don't really believe that, though. For some reason, I just don't believe that anymore.
I know there is more to my God and I know there is more to everything in general. Maybe there are some creatures or beings out there that do want to trick us but I don't think it's only that. I know there is more to this life. And that's my conviction. I can feel it in my heart and knowing, no, a strength. A feeling that this is something I must believe in. We need hope.
I don't want to be another person adding the list of hopeless. I understand completely how easy it is to slip into that and it's exactly why I can't! I want people to be able to feel hope when they are around me. I need it. I truly need it. I can't ever put that feeling into words but I want that so badly. Parts of me say that if I really did I wouldn't have so much trouble with it.
I can't fool myself into believing I'm some kind of courage filled hero. A lot of the times I'm a coward. I settle for less. I'm too afraid to speak up. I'd rather be in my comfort zone then step outside of it. I judge other people, I judge myself. Harshly, at times. I can't get control over my thoughts. The list goes on and on. And then this part of me that doesn't seem to feel at all. It's not peace, it's nothing. Nothing at all. It's an emptiness and it doesn't matter that it's an emptiness. When I am like this, it's the closest thing I can image to be the living dead. I don't want to be this person!!! Yet, sometimes even my pain feel pointless.
I understand that I may be all of those things that I mentioned. But this is all I have. I don't want to be perfect right now. I can't be, anyway. I just want to be able to live to the best of my abilities. I don't even have to be some renowned hero, though my heart wishes to do great things. I just want to make a difference, SOME HOW. I want to leave behind a message of hope and love. I don't care if it's the ultimate truth. I don't care if it's the ultimate anything. It's me. And me is all I truly have. I have to be me. I have to love me for all my quirks and everything. I have to follow what's right in my heart no matter what they may be. A part of me feels I shouldn't be disillusioned by things and believe in something that isn't the truth. But for me IT IS. I am following my truth. I want to believe in this because I think it's important. I think it's important for people to have hope when they need it the most, to believe in their dreams, to reach for excellence! Maybe it's not what I am but what I want to be. But somehow, even this person has a purpose, if not to just live. I'll try my best to make the most of it. It's part of the human condition. We're not glorious to ourselves all the time. Sometimes I think we might really hate ourselves. Sometimes I think we might really not like what we see. Sometimes, maybe we aren't the best that we could be. It's okay. It's okay.

The biggest message of all for me is forgiveness. Forgive yourself. I'm still trying.

-Eli