So, yesterday was pretty much one of my breaking points. I'm starting to see that I'm going to be having these points in my life on and off. As Laurie told, after a while you begin to realize that this is just part of life. We have our good times and then we have our down times. For creative people, this can be pretty catastrophic because we are prone to make something small into something terribly big.
I was able to see the root issue with where I was coming from. I believe God was directing me towards the path of forgiveness. I had no idea how deeply rooted I had been judging myself. To the degree of perfectionism which is something that I can never achieve and I believe that is where the panic came from. I felt my worth would only be found once I could achieve this perfection. I believed with all my heart that you had to earn things in life and worth was another one of those things, along with love. But there was a small voice inside of my heart that was terrified, that hated myself. Because I knew that I could never reach that and so I assumed that meant I just wasn't good enough. I would never be good enough.
I didn't realize how much I was hurting myself and how hard I had been being on myself. It really was mean but even that I understand now. I needed something to believe in and that was all I had left. I had to believe that even if this world wasn't so great, I could make it a better place. I had to believe it was possible. But now I see it;
When I was dancing and praising God in the crowd with everyone else the other night I remember looking around wondering, "Why do you love us? Why do you love us when we are like this? How can you love me?" I felt there were so many reasons not to. And then there was a simple reply in my heart, "You're my family. I don't care about what you do, I'll always love you." I felt it then, a feeling of acceptance. From everyone. Suddenly I really saw us all for who we were, they were all my family and they would always accept me. HE would always accept me. It didn't matter if the whole universe was against the human race, He wasn't. He loved us and we are a part of His family. He believes in us.
And now I see that I really shouldn't be so hard on myself. A person does the best they can and sometimes they really do mess up in big ways but that doesn't take away from their worth and there isn't anything to feel guilty about. Our mistakes are there to learn from not condemn ourselves over.
My counselor today told me that the only real failure to make in this life is to stop learning. If you can't learn from your mistakes then you won't be able to move forward and will continue to repeat it over and over again.
It's such a freeing realization, all I need to do is forgive myself. Of course, I strive on and try my hardest to do the best I can but I really do have to work on forgiving myself and loving myself unconditionally. No matter what. Even after I say that I 'hate myself'. I strive onward!!
Pray for the kitty KB, she really is a wonderful kitten and she has been through alot I believe. Who knows where her family is and I think something is wrong with her leg. I love her to death, already and I hope that she can find a good home somewhere, I really do. She reminds me of Socks and that's what is so sad but inspiring at the same time. God, please be with that little kitty!
And thank-you so much for showing me the truth about the whole matter! Somehow he always does reveal the truth to me no matter how complex it may seem to me at the time. I know that I don't need to listen to fear's intuition anymore, either. That's a big no no. lol
-Eli
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