So lately I am learning how to speak without a lot of words. I am learning how to speak with my heart.
For so long I've had an issue with expressing myself. One day I was walking at the park with my mom and said to her, "I don't really know what to say. Sometimes, I have trouble speaking. It's like I want to say something that there aren't words for and she told me, 'It's okay, you don't have to say anything.'" And somehow that just struck me. I didn't HAVE to speak, did I? What was I so worried about.
I've been so damn concerned about what other people think. I think of myself like an animal. I don't mean anyone any harm but if I let myself loose people will get hurt and they wouldn't like me. When I was younger I didn't have this person 'tamed'. But I'm not 'stupid' I could see the problem it was going to give me so I decided to silence my real voice and speak with a voice that wasn't my own. I lied. I have been lying for so long that I don't remember my own truth, a lot of the times and it is still very much like a child relearning how to simply live. But I speak with not just my words but my whole being. The other night when my mother was having a problem I took her hands in mine and look her straight in the eyes and told her, "I love you, mom." I was tearing up because I couldn't help it but there was a smile on my face, in my eyes. I was showing her that everything was going to be okay with my heart not my words. Consequently she felt better after that.
Today, my friend was telling me something and at first I was going going to say, "Oh, I understand-bla bla bla." Try to appeal to them. Always so worried I would hurt someone over telling them the truth. The truth DID hurt when I heard it but it saved my freaking life. The truth is not always sugar coated, it's real and it makes us face things about ourselves that we don't always want. But I was honest with her and she didn't freak. I eventually did see some more of her side but even now I haven't immediately responded to her last response worried that she would want an immediate response but I'm going to think it through before I answer.
I just want to be me and if other people don't like it then there really isn't anything I can do about it because I am who I am. I am not as I thought I was. I'm so out of control that anything comes from my mouth or the 'animal' makes me do really stupid rash things. I am not completely letting go of control but I won't suffocate myself anymore or be ashamed of who I am. Yes, I have strong views. Yes, I am happy and yes I love life and people very much. It's who I am. I hate watching other people in pain because I can relate and I just want to hold them but sometimes I do get tired of it. When I see people suffering so horribly and then they don't do anything to change their circumstances, I become impatient and I don't want to say to them, "Do something to change it!" But I know it's not always that simple for people and it is pretty hard to be in a good place all the time. I'm not a walking example of someone always happy with their life. Though there is much more passion in my life!
I really want to express myself better. To get my feelings through to other people. To learn the difference from being truthful and honest. To speak with my heart and not just with my mind. Because I am more then just a body. I am also a soul with a spirit and my love doesn't just love within my mind. It has it's own home from which it originates. Anything can be used with love but everything has a time and place. Dad always used to say, there is a time and place for everything. I still believe this very much.
I've been wanting to write more music lately, just overall be more creative. I've been writing some really inspiring excerpts...I feel that I really am changing. It's like the whole world is waking up with me.
~Eli
This is a blog meant specifically for the purpose of helping me with my journey to be true to who I am. I have many goals that I would like to accomplish and I have a desire to truly live my life to its fullest. All I can say for you is, stay strong, beautiful. And no matter whether you believe or not if you truly put out the effort from the bottom of your heart a little luck is sure to come your way.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Face life head on
Tonight I began thinking about my life and how the people I love I've either been feeling distant from or there is just SOMETHING. I've been feeling very lonely. I've been wanting more time to spend with many people. I was thinking about how some times I felt like this fabulous person and then other times the worst kind of person. I saw how sometimes I felt better then everyone and sometimes worse then everyone else. And then I saw it more clearly then I ever had. It...REALLY didn't matter about that kind of stuff. We're seriously aren't better or worse. We're just us. And that's not indifference. That's being.
Then I started feeling sadness and I was thinking, "You've been feeling enough sadness!" I was feeling sadness because I missed people. But then I thought, "Why is always about what I 'should' feel?" What about just what I feel? Maybe I should let myself just feel, for once. And I felt it. I just wanted to feel and even if I felt there was more that I could be I wanted to be able to really live. I didn't want to keep suppressing myself. I liked speaking out loud to myself because at east then I was speak honestly. And I WANT that so badly. I want to get my feelings across to others. I've been watching this anime and the girl had this magical violin that made her play beautifully but she really loved the violin and still put her heart into it. So when the magic broke, she wasn't skilled at all but it would still pull you in because she loved it. Everyday she would keep practicing and she began to get better! She faced the violin head on and the reason was because she loved it and that's was reason enough for her.
I see that I want to face life head on because I love it.
And the pain I feel is not vain it's a reminder that I am alive. Because I know I don't just feel my pain but see how EVERYONE hurts. We hurt because we all could be so much more, we all could have so much more love in our lives and yet we just bury it all and act as if it doesn't even matter. Of course it hurts. There is still a lot of pain I'll need to face.
But I was thinking about what Aymee said, "It's not really worth it without the one's you love." It's so true. I'm so thankful for this life. The people who've been in it. The joys I felt from them and my own self. Even the pain. The deep pain that has showed me just how truly alive I am. For God, I will always be thankful.
I can tell myself this is how I should be. I am who I am and I need to face this person head on as well. And it's through acceptance without expectation and truth that someone can truly grow and can truly heal.
I hope I'll find this strength within to do this.
Eli
Then I started feeling sadness and I was thinking, "You've been feeling enough sadness!" I was feeling sadness because I missed people. But then I thought, "Why is always about what I 'should' feel?" What about just what I feel? Maybe I should let myself just feel, for once. And I felt it. I just wanted to feel and even if I felt there was more that I could be I wanted to be able to really live. I didn't want to keep suppressing myself. I liked speaking out loud to myself because at east then I was speak honestly. And I WANT that so badly. I want to get my feelings across to others. I've been watching this anime and the girl had this magical violin that made her play beautifully but she really loved the violin and still put her heart into it. So when the magic broke, she wasn't skilled at all but it would still pull you in because she loved it. Everyday she would keep practicing and she began to get better! She faced the violin head on and the reason was because she loved it and that's was reason enough for her.
I see that I want to face life head on because I love it.
And the pain I feel is not vain it's a reminder that I am alive. Because I know I don't just feel my pain but see how EVERYONE hurts. We hurt because we all could be so much more, we all could have so much more love in our lives and yet we just bury it all and act as if it doesn't even matter. Of course it hurts. There is still a lot of pain I'll need to face.
But I was thinking about what Aymee said, "It's not really worth it without the one's you love." It's so true. I'm so thankful for this life. The people who've been in it. The joys I felt from them and my own self. Even the pain. The deep pain that has showed me just how truly alive I am. For God, I will always be thankful.
I can tell myself this is how I should be. I am who I am and I need to face this person head on as well. And it's through acceptance without expectation and truth that someone can truly grow and can truly heal.
I hope I'll find this strength within to do this.
Eli
Monday, July 18, 2011
Don't forget to smell the flowers~
I wanted to post something tonight about enjoying all the little things in life. Before I took my shower tonight I prayed that I'd always cherish my life. Even if it were a short moment in the shower with lit candles and classical music dancing about in the room with me. These moments make me smile from the bottom of my heart and I feel that this is one of the most important things. To truly love yourself through your own life. Life is greatest form of artwork. Flowers seems to hold no real purpose but we adore them for their smells and their beauty. This shows the creativity of God. That there will always be a reason to just enjoy life. This is meaningful. It's important to have fun and enjoy every moment.
Even if all my goals aren't completed today, I won't live with regrets if I just love my day to its fullest and take the small steps I can, one at a time.
We've all got flowers inside of us and within each petal is a virtue that we want to share. But flowers need water to grow and without passion, joy or love, how can are hearts ever flourish?
Listening to music has brought me to a really wonderful conclusion. It speaks with my heart and takes all those little feelings inside of me and weaves this beautiful quilt of emotion and creativity together, making me dance without even meaning to. I really do love classical music for it's dedication to music. There is nothing but the music.
When I see that happiness is so close to me always I see that what I've always been fearing was not some far off source but me. It couldn't be possible for me to be this happy. It's childlike in feeling and I remind myself that I've seen more to life. But I've begun to realize that what I saw wasn't the truth. It was fear itself. And this has swamped my light. But it's always there. Waiting for me.
I remember the feeling I get when I am with the one's that I love. How every smell or sense becomes ingrained in my memory with them and just this simple sense can bring me a sense of love, comfort. I remember saying to myself..."But this is all too good to be true. This is EVERYTHING I ever wanted." And then I remember my first true love and that he taught me this is what love is all about. Love is everything you desire and it's real. It will never abandon you but it won't mess with your free will. I have to wonder why the universe would desire something like this for me. Why the universe would always me to happy. Life would have to love me. "Something truly loves you." I heard that so much when I was in that place. But what if life really does love us.
I also realized that no matter what you believed there were certain things that could bring every man together. Music, no matter the language can be felt with the heart. Whether a man be simple or complex, love is something both can cherish. Things of the heart, of the spirit bring us all together. Even if you don't see it in an esoteric way. In fact, I don't think it's really beneficial to change it into this really strange thing. It is what it is. Whether you believe in magic, whether you don't believe in anything at all. It's the foundation of what we are and we can all hold of it. This is something I want to always remember. This is a truth written deeply in me. I want this life to always be something very true to me. I know I enjoy the fantastical things of life but the most beautiful to me has always been unwavering, true.
I guess sometimes I don't want to believe in the things I do because I don't want to always feel comfortable like my brother said. If a baby felt comfortable in her mother's womb forever and was just expected to jump out whenever she felt ready, would she? I think this is how life is. We are slowly but surely being born. And sometimes life can bring this really big chaos storm and it can be VERY painful and/or frightening but it's trying to lead us in the right direction back towards the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't think I have to worry about getting to comfortable. In fact it's weird because I find that I am more useful when I AM feeling true happiness. Not the cliche, happy go lucky, but true unbridled happiness or passion. I don't even want to stay in my old ways without compassion and just worried about silly little things but getting nothing done. It's when I am not appreciating life that I feel world weary and don't want to face anymore. That I even CARE about comfort. There is nothing wrong with inner peace. That security is a good one to have. It's faith in oneself. Comfort if faith in reality and that you can sleep comfortably without it being threatened. There is nothing wrong with have comfort and security of the heart. Even if you are upset, this is a beautiful comfort. A true comfort. Falling asleep in the womb when you should be focusing on being born is unhealthy.
I'd like to remain awake and enjoy the ride!
Tomorrow I will be preforming the role of Sarah and it will be my last week at the American Village. I'm very excited and will try to do my best. It's all I ever can do. :]
Good night world and everyone, sweet dreams. It's a lovely night.
-Eli
Even if all my goals aren't completed today, I won't live with regrets if I just love my day to its fullest and take the small steps I can, one at a time.
We've all got flowers inside of us and within each petal is a virtue that we want to share. But flowers need water to grow and without passion, joy or love, how can are hearts ever flourish?
Listening to music has brought me to a really wonderful conclusion. It speaks with my heart and takes all those little feelings inside of me and weaves this beautiful quilt of emotion and creativity together, making me dance without even meaning to. I really do love classical music for it's dedication to music. There is nothing but the music.
When I see that happiness is so close to me always I see that what I've always been fearing was not some far off source but me. It couldn't be possible for me to be this happy. It's childlike in feeling and I remind myself that I've seen more to life. But I've begun to realize that what I saw wasn't the truth. It was fear itself. And this has swamped my light. But it's always there. Waiting for me.
I remember the feeling I get when I am with the one's that I love. How every smell or sense becomes ingrained in my memory with them and just this simple sense can bring me a sense of love, comfort. I remember saying to myself..."But this is all too good to be true. This is EVERYTHING I ever wanted." And then I remember my first true love and that he taught me this is what love is all about. Love is everything you desire and it's real. It will never abandon you but it won't mess with your free will. I have to wonder why the universe would desire something like this for me. Why the universe would always me to happy. Life would have to love me. "Something truly loves you." I heard that so much when I was in that place. But what if life really does love us.
I also realized that no matter what you believed there were certain things that could bring every man together. Music, no matter the language can be felt with the heart. Whether a man be simple or complex, love is something both can cherish. Things of the heart, of the spirit bring us all together. Even if you don't see it in an esoteric way. In fact, I don't think it's really beneficial to change it into this really strange thing. It is what it is. Whether you believe in magic, whether you don't believe in anything at all. It's the foundation of what we are and we can all hold of it. This is something I want to always remember. This is a truth written deeply in me. I want this life to always be something very true to me. I know I enjoy the fantastical things of life but the most beautiful to me has always been unwavering, true.
I guess sometimes I don't want to believe in the things I do because I don't want to always feel comfortable like my brother said. If a baby felt comfortable in her mother's womb forever and was just expected to jump out whenever she felt ready, would she? I think this is how life is. We are slowly but surely being born. And sometimes life can bring this really big chaos storm and it can be VERY painful and/or frightening but it's trying to lead us in the right direction back towards the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't think I have to worry about getting to comfortable. In fact it's weird because I find that I am more useful when I AM feeling true happiness. Not the cliche, happy go lucky, but true unbridled happiness or passion. I don't even want to stay in my old ways without compassion and just worried about silly little things but getting nothing done. It's when I am not appreciating life that I feel world weary and don't want to face anymore. That I even CARE about comfort. There is nothing wrong with inner peace. That security is a good one to have. It's faith in oneself. Comfort if faith in reality and that you can sleep comfortably without it being threatened. There is nothing wrong with have comfort and security of the heart. Even if you are upset, this is a beautiful comfort. A true comfort. Falling asleep in the womb when you should be focusing on being born is unhealthy.
I'd like to remain awake and enjoy the ride!
Tomorrow I will be preforming the role of Sarah and it will be my last week at the American Village. I'm very excited and will try to do my best. It's all I ever can do. :]
Good night world and everyone, sweet dreams. It's a lovely night.
-Eli
Friday, July 15, 2011
Never die in vain -
Here I am again and tonight I really did want to write. Talking to mom who is here with me didn't seem like a good idea since she was busy and in her own place. I won't be like that always but it's important to me not to put too much burden on someone. I like being able to work some things out on my own, as well. So some interesting things happened the other day and it was really great actually. Not to mention that I saw Harry Potter!! Ahh!!
Anyway, I was shown some kinda' hard concepts the other day but they gave me a lot of relief. I realized what I really needed to do with my friend and that it's okay to face our fears even if we have to admit that we're really scared. Our fears are reflections of things we have to grow and learn or maybe pains in our life.
It was interesting and a lot of totem work was used. I didn't end up getting to talk to my friend about what I wanted to but I will soon enough.
That day I also was just embracing the pain I was feeling, not strengthening the feelings or trying to push them away. And some insecurities that I only get when I am around other people was acting up out of nowhere while I was completely by myself. It's really the worst kind of feeling and it's been coming alot. Along with dreams with a lot of grief or guilt.
I'm really tired of feeling this feeling around people, around myself. I was feeling so certain of myself and then of course again I believed I shouldn't. It just sucks to not feel comfortable in your own skin. But I am dealing with things that I've not dealt with for years so it's not really the easiest of feats.
I found myself talking about Harry Potter to dad on my drive back home to my mom's and I remembered that sense of warmth with the magic of the first movie and how Hogwarts really was a place of the heart for me and a lot of other people. It's like I said to dad, "If it should tell us anything it's that a lot of us desire more magic in our lives then we have now."
"You live in a lovely world in ways you can't imagine."
I began feeling so content and I just hugged my dad. As we drove I felt so light and younger. I remember listening to a song that used to give me a very 'old soul' feeling. And it definitely resonated with me still but I still felt so light and not like I was longing for something that wasn't here. I heard that this was being satisfied. But I began feeling worried.
It was almost feeling like I was giving up. How could I be content when I wasn't all that I wanted to be yet or my life? And giving up those feelings made me feel...I don't know...like I didn't have as much depth. But I remember that weight on my heart and I don't want it back but I do feel like I'm letting go of something that...It's not loss of personality but a part of me feels that way! Why is happiness associated with something like that in my mind?! Like I want to do something meaningful but little do I realize is sometimes it IS important to be happy. And why does it always have to be some kind of sacrifice? What's wrong with enjoying the ride? It's like being a child to me doesn't seem safe, either. I feel this way I can't be taken off guard or I am being 'mature'. There is a part of me that doesn't want to give up so bad that I try to hard and not in the right way.
It's like it feels like trying to be happy without anything changing feels like giving up. Like I was somehow different from everyone else. And I understood there was MORE to life. But there is more! And we don't have to suffer all the time. I want to get to understand love more and more. This has lead me nowhere good.
I remember when I was in that strange place and there was a time when all the different parts of me teamed up to go to my heart to see why I still had heartbreak. And there, there was girl with black hair and she was telling us that, "You won't change my mind. I love my sadness, it's beautiful and no one can take it away from me. It's the one thing I can trust." I tried to show her there was more to life and it was true, this part of me felt very old and maybe there was something beautiful about her or well, bittersweet but it wasn't the true me and it never will be.
I want so badly to do this 'right'. To be strong. And then, ugh! I let these feelings stop me and these incorrect views. It's in these moments my throat gets tight and I really can't stand having to deal with anymore but I'm damn determined. I WANT a life that I truly live in. I don't really know how to just let myself grieve. It's like Laurie told me that maybe I shouldn't cry from my mind but my heart. I have a way of numbing myself out and so if I'm not thinking about it I probably won't be able to feel it.
It's almost as if I'm expecting someone is going to tell me, "Yes, now you have the right to be happy." It sounds bad but sometimes it's hard to feel that people care or that people don't constantly judge like I try so hard not to do. I want to see people and myself for who we really are. It's like I was telling Skye, "Once you taste it you'll never be able to settle for anything less." I know just the beginning of how brilliant life can be. I don't want to settle and truthfully I don't see it being very meaningful for me to settle.
I remember my friend and I used to talk about a 'sadness' that stayed with us and it was like an old soul 'sadness' it was almost as if one of timeless, or it felt timeless. But really, it was very old. I had really felt was it was like to feel timeless. I feel that probably a few years back we all went through something that really changed our outlook on life it was that desire for something more. For everything we believed in not to die in vain.
For everything I've ever been not to die in vain.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kf1G2kteTfM&feature=related
~ Eli
Anyway, I was shown some kinda' hard concepts the other day but they gave me a lot of relief. I realized what I really needed to do with my friend and that it's okay to face our fears even if we have to admit that we're really scared. Our fears are reflections of things we have to grow and learn or maybe pains in our life.
It was interesting and a lot of totem work was used. I didn't end up getting to talk to my friend about what I wanted to but I will soon enough.
That day I also was just embracing the pain I was feeling, not strengthening the feelings or trying to push them away. And some insecurities that I only get when I am around other people was acting up out of nowhere while I was completely by myself. It's really the worst kind of feeling and it's been coming alot. Along with dreams with a lot of grief or guilt.
I'm really tired of feeling this feeling around people, around myself. I was feeling so certain of myself and then of course again I believed I shouldn't. It just sucks to not feel comfortable in your own skin. But I am dealing with things that I've not dealt with for years so it's not really the easiest of feats.
I found myself talking about Harry Potter to dad on my drive back home to my mom's and I remembered that sense of warmth with the magic of the first movie and how Hogwarts really was a place of the heart for me and a lot of other people. It's like I said to dad, "If it should tell us anything it's that a lot of us desire more magic in our lives then we have now."
"You live in a lovely world in ways you can't imagine."
I began feeling so content and I just hugged my dad. As we drove I felt so light and younger. I remember listening to a song that used to give me a very 'old soul' feeling. And it definitely resonated with me still but I still felt so light and not like I was longing for something that wasn't here. I heard that this was being satisfied. But I began feeling worried.
It was almost feeling like I was giving up. How could I be content when I wasn't all that I wanted to be yet or my life? And giving up those feelings made me feel...I don't know...like I didn't have as much depth. But I remember that weight on my heart and I don't want it back but I do feel like I'm letting go of something that...It's not loss of personality but a part of me feels that way! Why is happiness associated with something like that in my mind?! Like I want to do something meaningful but little do I realize is sometimes it IS important to be happy. And why does it always have to be some kind of sacrifice? What's wrong with enjoying the ride? It's like being a child to me doesn't seem safe, either. I feel this way I can't be taken off guard or I am being 'mature'. There is a part of me that doesn't want to give up so bad that I try to hard and not in the right way.
It's like it feels like trying to be happy without anything changing feels like giving up. Like I was somehow different from everyone else. And I understood there was MORE to life. But there is more! And we don't have to suffer all the time. I want to get to understand love more and more. This has lead me nowhere good.
I remember when I was in that strange place and there was a time when all the different parts of me teamed up to go to my heart to see why I still had heartbreak. And there, there was girl with black hair and she was telling us that, "You won't change my mind. I love my sadness, it's beautiful and no one can take it away from me. It's the one thing I can trust." I tried to show her there was more to life and it was true, this part of me felt very old and maybe there was something beautiful about her or well, bittersweet but it wasn't the true me and it never will be.
I want so badly to do this 'right'. To be strong. And then, ugh! I let these feelings stop me and these incorrect views. It's in these moments my throat gets tight and I really can't stand having to deal with anymore but I'm damn determined. I WANT a life that I truly live in. I don't really know how to just let myself grieve. It's like Laurie told me that maybe I shouldn't cry from my mind but my heart. I have a way of numbing myself out and so if I'm not thinking about it I probably won't be able to feel it.
It's almost as if I'm expecting someone is going to tell me, "Yes, now you have the right to be happy." It sounds bad but sometimes it's hard to feel that people care or that people don't constantly judge like I try so hard not to do. I want to see people and myself for who we really are. It's like I was telling Skye, "Once you taste it you'll never be able to settle for anything less." I know just the beginning of how brilliant life can be. I don't want to settle and truthfully I don't see it being very meaningful for me to settle.
I remember my friend and I used to talk about a 'sadness' that stayed with us and it was like an old soul 'sadness' it was almost as if one of timeless, or it felt timeless. But really, it was very old. I had really felt was it was like to feel timeless. I feel that probably a few years back we all went through something that really changed our outlook on life it was that desire for something more. For everything we believed in not to die in vain.
For everything I've ever been not to die in vain.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kf1G2kteTfM&feature=related
~ Eli
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Music from within
Do you think everyone has a song inside their soul and in a lot of ways the closest thing we've had to the language of the heart is music?
I don't know. But I've really been close to music all my life and I even wanted to sing for a long time. I mean, I do sing to myself sometimes but for a long time I never really sang anymore. People say they like my voice but I feel there is more I want to present then my voice is capable of. I like my voice and I think if I could use it better it would share with the world my own music inside.
I wrote a song for the first time since I wrote that song for Aymee. It's simply labeled, "Remember Me." I'm not ready to put it out for anyone to read. I'd rather just share it through my voice or maybe even someone else's. I don't know. It feels like there is something inside of me that is desperate to be free and it keeps coming out in the se many different forms. But, seriously, I am very connected to the song that I made. I also found myself playing my recorder again. I really want to make music but I do have many things I want to do.
I've always dreamed of one day sharing music with others and maybe speak to their hearts. It's the only way I know how to communicate on that level. But I have begun to see there are others ways and people really are listening.
While writing the song I really was trying to stay in touch with the feeling within me that tries to speak without words.
Last night I was feeling so great and connected with myself and then I had this weird thing happen to me before I went to bed. I'm not even really quite sure what it was.
All I know is it's like someone else made my own voice say, "Fluke." And for some reason that word inspired giddiness in my so I kept saying it. But I began feeling strange, like something was shaking me from within. I tried to ignore it so I could go to sleep and ignore the tightness on my throat. I also had an odd daydream without trying to while half awake and it was like I was imagining something pure getting devoured by this darkness and that felt 'good' to me. I asked myself, "Why would I desire destruction?" And then I remember that I always had. When I was younger I broke everything I had and on purpose. Not to hurt others but I like how it felt to break things...chew things...tear things. I dunno'. It's ironic since my brother was always the meticulous builder. I like feeling things become soft and malleable in my hands then creating something completely different with them. I've worked really hard to ignore this part of myself. I know it's there and I know it's not just some influence from outside forces. I HAVE always believed that even if outside forces make you feel strange in even inhumanly ways, it can only happen if you already have an inner lying issue that you can deal with. Personally, I prefer seeing it this way since at least then I have the ability to do something about it. But I'd think I could do something about it no matter what. It just cuts out the middle man of someone else or feeling like they have some kind of control over you.
While I was sleeping I kept waking up feeling very uncomfortable. Something 'showing' me that I wasn't really believing in myself.
Or maybe I wasn't quite the same as someone who was a being to be believed in. I've been shown this before...like I just wasn't doing it 'right'. I know what I tell myself but when I am asleep I believe it so easily.
This happened to me EVERYTIME!! I was in that difficult state. I dreaded sleeping. So many times I would be in a good place and then in my dreams I was someone changed. I remember my sleeping self saw things differently. This didn't happen every time but it did a lot. There is still so much for me to face about myself that I don't know or understand but I'm really trying to do it in a way that is still going forward towards MY truth. That I can be happy along the way and I won't forget to enjoy life or truly live it. I want to make love the most important thing to me since it's meaning for me.
I'm trying to recreate myself.
But really, I'm trying to refind myself.
"I won't stand for nothing."
-Eli
I don't know. But I've really been close to music all my life and I even wanted to sing for a long time. I mean, I do sing to myself sometimes but for a long time I never really sang anymore. People say they like my voice but I feel there is more I want to present then my voice is capable of. I like my voice and I think if I could use it better it would share with the world my own music inside.
I wrote a song for the first time since I wrote that song for Aymee. It's simply labeled, "Remember Me." I'm not ready to put it out for anyone to read. I'd rather just share it through my voice or maybe even someone else's. I don't know. It feels like there is something inside of me that is desperate to be free and it keeps coming out in the se many different forms. But, seriously, I am very connected to the song that I made. I also found myself playing my recorder again. I really want to make music but I do have many things I want to do.
I've always dreamed of one day sharing music with others and maybe speak to their hearts. It's the only way I know how to communicate on that level. But I have begun to see there are others ways and people really are listening.
While writing the song I really was trying to stay in touch with the feeling within me that tries to speak without words.
Last night I was feeling so great and connected with myself and then I had this weird thing happen to me before I went to bed. I'm not even really quite sure what it was.
All I know is it's like someone else made my own voice say, "Fluke." And for some reason that word inspired giddiness in my so I kept saying it. But I began feeling strange, like something was shaking me from within. I tried to ignore it so I could go to sleep and ignore the tightness on my throat. I also had an odd daydream without trying to while half awake and it was like I was imagining something pure getting devoured by this darkness and that felt 'good' to me. I asked myself, "Why would I desire destruction?" And then I remember that I always had. When I was younger I broke everything I had and on purpose. Not to hurt others but I like how it felt to break things...chew things...tear things. I dunno'. It's ironic since my brother was always the meticulous builder. I like feeling things become soft and malleable in my hands then creating something completely different with them. I've worked really hard to ignore this part of myself. I know it's there and I know it's not just some influence from outside forces. I HAVE always believed that even if outside forces make you feel strange in even inhumanly ways, it can only happen if you already have an inner lying issue that you can deal with. Personally, I prefer seeing it this way since at least then I have the ability to do something about it. But I'd think I could do something about it no matter what. It just cuts out the middle man of someone else or feeling like they have some kind of control over you.
While I was sleeping I kept waking up feeling very uncomfortable. Something 'showing' me that I wasn't really believing in myself.
Or maybe I wasn't quite the same as someone who was a being to be believed in. I've been shown this before...like I just wasn't doing it 'right'. I know what I tell myself but when I am asleep I believe it so easily.
This happened to me EVERYTIME!! I was in that difficult state. I dreaded sleeping. So many times I would be in a good place and then in my dreams I was someone changed. I remember my sleeping self saw things differently. This didn't happen every time but it did a lot. There is still so much for me to face about myself that I don't know or understand but I'm really trying to do it in a way that is still going forward towards MY truth. That I can be happy along the way and I won't forget to enjoy life or truly live it. I want to make love the most important thing to me since it's meaning for me.
I'm trying to recreate myself.
But really, I'm trying to refind myself.
"I won't stand for nothing."
-Eli
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
--Letting go--
So, what does it mean to let go without giving up?
I've been under a dark cloud lately because of some much needed grief. There is a friend I have and I know it's time that we go our different ways. For the longest time I thought that surely this wasn't spiritual when I could still feel how special she was to me. And then I realized it....I'm never going to stop loving her and trying to bury that would only hurt me. I'm never going to stop seeing her as someone special or someone I'd want in my life but I know it's too late, now. I've reached the point that I don't want to put the effort into anymore and they are many things that I can't have in my life anymore. I need boundaries and I have to be true to myself. I also don't want to change her because I respect her free will. But I know if I pushed anymore I'd be hurting us both. It was the weirdest thing to really realize that sometimes the one's you love the most you have to let go of when you only want to hold on tighter.
But I really do want to do what the true love inside of me calls me to do. It's what is most important to me, that while being true myself, I am true to her. I don't want support destructive behavior but at the same time I don't want to take away the right to decided whether one can be destructive to themselves or not. Obviously, I have my own wishes but my strongest one is that people have the right to decide what they do with their lives. I love you all but I'd rather live alone then be in a codependent relationship or in an unhealthy relationship. Life is waaay too short. And the truth is you can learn a lot on your own and you can also enjoy life in your own company!
I'm really getting better about believing in myself and faith in my own heart. I'm getting a better self image. I'm not a victim and I don't want other people to feel I want them to see me that way. I'm getting a lot better about being able to smile and trust my own heart even with others don't seem to agree.
I've been having faith in the truth, more. I really want to keep growing. I want to keep living this way. Trusting myself and still being willing to listen to others.
I've noticed that I'm better at being willing to change and listen to constructive criticism when I am believing in myself. When I am not, everything is already so overwhelming. It's scary and it's horrible. It's second nature for me to doubt myself, for me to think I am wrong. And yes, literally, that I am wrong. Who I am, what I am. What I do. How I feel. How I am. Everything about me...Wrong.
But I don't even believe that anymore. We're all here living and just learning to really live. Sometimes we really mess up and sometimes for a really, really really long time. And it's so scary to me to believe that I could become someone truly unlovable but after going through the experience I did, I know it's always possible to go to really dark places. Even now, I could be back there tomorrow and I have to hope that I'll be willing to forgive myself for it. That's why I am so happy that true love is unconditional. Because no matter what I do, what I say. I will always be loved. Always. And I will always love others.
But I do understand that my actions have consequences and when I hurt others it's going to be coming back to me. I want it to be this way. True love isn't the same thing as codependency and so I know that if I was too much, other people might have to leave my life. I pray to God that I could let them go, too. That I'd see, that I'd understand that sometimes people leave.
Maybe it's not forever. I think it's not. I think that we'll all be together again in place where we don't have to worry about hiding the true love we have for each other but even if I can only spend one moment with you in this world, this life. I think that moment will be special to me.
I think I am going to really grow from this experience and it's so weird that I can say that now. Life really is changing for me. I just feel like a musical instrument, learning to be strong enough not to snap but flexible enough to bend. And just like a guitar string, I make a musical note. I'm starting to see the importance...the meaning in everything that happens in my life.
When I lost Socks, when he died. I was so sure it would be crushing. I used to have nightmares of the possibility of losing him. I wanted him to live with me forever, even if it seemed impossible I wanted to be with Socks all my life. I said that he would live forever with me.
Man, Socks has always been my best friend. I grew up with that guy and he's always been there for me. Then he was gone from this world. I was really scared for a moment. I felt the crush of overwhelming pain. I...God, I couldn't understand. But when I finally left his side after he had been buried. I could feel him there. He was telling me everything was alright. That it was him time to leave and he was happy. He was proud of me and what I'd accomplished in life. It was as though he was saying to me, "Good luck on the rest of your journey. I'm not gone, we're just on different paths now." It happens in this sort of life, different paths. The love in our hearts will always be what keeps us together but sometimes we have to look in different directions. It's sad but in a bittersweet sort of way. When I grieved him, it was different. It was beautiful, actual. Because it was from love. Not a lie, like that he was gone for good or that our love died. Love is eternal, it will never die. And that's how I'm feeling about my friend. It's sad but it's bittersweet. It's aching in a different sort of way since the separation is of my choice and I know that. Yet I also know that it's not giving up.
"Hold on to the love you know, you don't have to give up to let go."
Next step in my life is to really grieve. I feel a lot younger from the pain I've let go of but there are still some things I need to grieve. I still has some fears lurking in my chest. I've begun to realize they aren't of other things but of things within my own heart and mind that I fear and have no accepted. And even if there is or was something out there messing with my fears, it can only exaggerate an actual feeling. When I realize that, I already begin to feel better because the truth surely is;
"I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul." I don't think God wants us to have codependent relationship with him, either. I feel that he believe in True Love more then anyone. And True Love is not codependency. We should see him more as we would a father or a teacher. And in that aspect, yes, he has things to teach us and it's good to listen to him but it's not good to think that your problem will be solved for you. He'll help us but we have to be willing to do something about it. And eventually a parent has to let their child fall when learning to walk. We're not alone, we have support but the reigns are left to us. Because that's what it means to have free will.
Anyway, I have to go to the American Village tomorrow so I need to go ahead and go to bed but I've not posted in so long so I really wanted to squeeze one in. I have to keep remembering to post in here or it's going to stop happening at all.
I'm trying to get my license before I turn 18 and that's in a few months. I also want a car but that can only happen when I have a job and right now I am working at the American Village. I also may be having to learn a script with a limited amount of time and so I can only hope that I can preform that well. I trust myself with that, though. I feel kinda shitty though because I lost my American Village folder. And sure, someone can let me borrow their script but I HATE coming into a job of any kind without all the things I'm expected to have. I want to be a capable person to work with. But, again, I live with my consequences and sulking over my actions will only assist me in making worse one's. I really need to work on remembering things better.
I've been doing yoga lately and it's been REALLY helpful. Not only do I feel better but even my spirituality has improved. It's really amazing how simple things like that can help so much. Keep your living space in order, your thoughts are more in order and you gain more focus. Do your chores and get immediate gratification, easier to accept yourself with love. Eat healthy and exercise, easier to deal with major problems that before seemed unrelenting.
I'm having good things happen in my life that I've NEVER had happen before. This year has been by far one of the most beneficial changes for me in a long time if ever. Every new years crazy new things would be introduced to me but this is really the beginning of something great, I feel. I'm soooo happy. GOD. I'm so grateful. I really am.
I thankful to all of you. I'm thankful to the people in my life who have loved me and helped me through some of those really hard times. I am thankful to ALL being who helped me along. I am thankful to God.
I will always be thankful.
It just feels like you all gave me this really precious gift that only can be felt by the heart but I hold onto it so carefully because it's so important to me and all I can feel is gratitude. Because none of you did that for anything more then that you loved me.
It's was just love. And that's the gift I feel blooming in my heart.
I told my mom tonight that I felt like inside everyone had a flower. I kinda' see us all as flowers. And when we're scared or when we don't really feel connected with ourselves the flower petals close up and no one can see the light hidden within them unless they really look. We're all really good at burying this flower but when it opens up, it's fragrance is over powering. I think of them as sun flowers, each one holding it's on light. Some of them are the softest fragrance, as fragile as the petals attached it and others are bittersweet with thorns. But no matter if they are soft, strong or serene. They are all potent. It's this little gift we all have within us and it's our choice whether we want to see the gift or if we want to ignore it.
I wanna know this flower inside of me. I want to let this light shine as bright as it can and other people feel its warmth. I want to shine with all my heart and know that no matter who I love, it's a love worth given.
I am happy. I feel that. Who I really am is happy. I'm so happy that I cry and I know to to just enjoy this moment. Because I know I normally am afraid of just enjoying life for all it is, right here, now. Because I've had faith in fear for a long time. It's hard for me to believe there is such a beautiful world. But it's here. It is. Thank-you...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S57Gc8PSIO8
I leave everyone with this video!
Eli <3
I've been under a dark cloud lately because of some much needed grief. There is a friend I have and I know it's time that we go our different ways. For the longest time I thought that surely this wasn't spiritual when I could still feel how special she was to me. And then I realized it....I'm never going to stop loving her and trying to bury that would only hurt me. I'm never going to stop seeing her as someone special or someone I'd want in my life but I know it's too late, now. I've reached the point that I don't want to put the effort into anymore and they are many things that I can't have in my life anymore. I need boundaries and I have to be true to myself. I also don't want to change her because I respect her free will. But I know if I pushed anymore I'd be hurting us both. It was the weirdest thing to really realize that sometimes the one's you love the most you have to let go of when you only want to hold on tighter.
But I really do want to do what the true love inside of me calls me to do. It's what is most important to me, that while being true myself, I am true to her. I don't want support destructive behavior but at the same time I don't want to take away the right to decided whether one can be destructive to themselves or not. Obviously, I have my own wishes but my strongest one is that people have the right to decide what they do with their lives. I love you all but I'd rather live alone then be in a codependent relationship or in an unhealthy relationship. Life is waaay too short. And the truth is you can learn a lot on your own and you can also enjoy life in your own company!
I'm really getting better about believing in myself and faith in my own heart. I'm getting a better self image. I'm not a victim and I don't want other people to feel I want them to see me that way. I'm getting a lot better about being able to smile and trust my own heart even with others don't seem to agree.
I've been having faith in the truth, more. I really want to keep growing. I want to keep living this way. Trusting myself and still being willing to listen to others.
I've noticed that I'm better at being willing to change and listen to constructive criticism when I am believing in myself. When I am not, everything is already so overwhelming. It's scary and it's horrible. It's second nature for me to doubt myself, for me to think I am wrong. And yes, literally, that I am wrong. Who I am, what I am. What I do. How I feel. How I am. Everything about me...Wrong.
But I don't even believe that anymore. We're all here living and just learning to really live. Sometimes we really mess up and sometimes for a really, really really long time. And it's so scary to me to believe that I could become someone truly unlovable but after going through the experience I did, I know it's always possible to go to really dark places. Even now, I could be back there tomorrow and I have to hope that I'll be willing to forgive myself for it. That's why I am so happy that true love is unconditional. Because no matter what I do, what I say. I will always be loved. Always. And I will always love others.
But I do understand that my actions have consequences and when I hurt others it's going to be coming back to me. I want it to be this way. True love isn't the same thing as codependency and so I know that if I was too much, other people might have to leave my life. I pray to God that I could let them go, too. That I'd see, that I'd understand that sometimes people leave.
Maybe it's not forever. I think it's not. I think that we'll all be together again in place where we don't have to worry about hiding the true love we have for each other but even if I can only spend one moment with you in this world, this life. I think that moment will be special to me.
I think I am going to really grow from this experience and it's so weird that I can say that now. Life really is changing for me. I just feel like a musical instrument, learning to be strong enough not to snap but flexible enough to bend. And just like a guitar string, I make a musical note. I'm starting to see the importance...the meaning in everything that happens in my life.
When I lost Socks, when he died. I was so sure it would be crushing. I used to have nightmares of the possibility of losing him. I wanted him to live with me forever, even if it seemed impossible I wanted to be with Socks all my life. I said that he would live forever with me.
Man, Socks has always been my best friend. I grew up with that guy and he's always been there for me. Then he was gone from this world. I was really scared for a moment. I felt the crush of overwhelming pain. I...God, I couldn't understand. But when I finally left his side after he had been buried. I could feel him there. He was telling me everything was alright. That it was him time to leave and he was happy. He was proud of me and what I'd accomplished in life. It was as though he was saying to me, "Good luck on the rest of your journey. I'm not gone, we're just on different paths now." It happens in this sort of life, different paths. The love in our hearts will always be what keeps us together but sometimes we have to look in different directions. It's sad but in a bittersweet sort of way. When I grieved him, it was different. It was beautiful, actual. Because it was from love. Not a lie, like that he was gone for good or that our love died. Love is eternal, it will never die. And that's how I'm feeling about my friend. It's sad but it's bittersweet. It's aching in a different sort of way since the separation is of my choice and I know that. Yet I also know that it's not giving up.
"Hold on to the love you know, you don't have to give up to let go."
Next step in my life is to really grieve. I feel a lot younger from the pain I've let go of but there are still some things I need to grieve. I still has some fears lurking in my chest. I've begun to realize they aren't of other things but of things within my own heart and mind that I fear and have no accepted. And even if there is or was something out there messing with my fears, it can only exaggerate an actual feeling. When I realize that, I already begin to feel better because the truth surely is;
"I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul." I don't think God wants us to have codependent relationship with him, either. I feel that he believe in True Love more then anyone. And True Love is not codependency. We should see him more as we would a father or a teacher. And in that aspect, yes, he has things to teach us and it's good to listen to him but it's not good to think that your problem will be solved for you. He'll help us but we have to be willing to do something about it. And eventually a parent has to let their child fall when learning to walk. We're not alone, we have support but the reigns are left to us. Because that's what it means to have free will.
Anyway, I have to go to the American Village tomorrow so I need to go ahead and go to bed but I've not posted in so long so I really wanted to squeeze one in. I have to keep remembering to post in here or it's going to stop happening at all.
I'm trying to get my license before I turn 18 and that's in a few months. I also want a car but that can only happen when I have a job and right now I am working at the American Village. I also may be having to learn a script with a limited amount of time and so I can only hope that I can preform that well. I trust myself with that, though. I feel kinda shitty though because I lost my American Village folder. And sure, someone can let me borrow their script but I HATE coming into a job of any kind without all the things I'm expected to have. I want to be a capable person to work with. But, again, I live with my consequences and sulking over my actions will only assist me in making worse one's. I really need to work on remembering things better.
I've been doing yoga lately and it's been REALLY helpful. Not only do I feel better but even my spirituality has improved. It's really amazing how simple things like that can help so much. Keep your living space in order, your thoughts are more in order and you gain more focus. Do your chores and get immediate gratification, easier to accept yourself with love. Eat healthy and exercise, easier to deal with major problems that before seemed unrelenting.
I'm having good things happen in my life that I've NEVER had happen before. This year has been by far one of the most beneficial changes for me in a long time if ever. Every new years crazy new things would be introduced to me but this is really the beginning of something great, I feel. I'm soooo happy. GOD. I'm so grateful. I really am.
I thankful to all of you. I'm thankful to the people in my life who have loved me and helped me through some of those really hard times. I am thankful to ALL being who helped me along. I am thankful to God.
I will always be thankful.
It just feels like you all gave me this really precious gift that only can be felt by the heart but I hold onto it so carefully because it's so important to me and all I can feel is gratitude. Because none of you did that for anything more then that you loved me.
It's was just love. And that's the gift I feel blooming in my heart.
I told my mom tonight that I felt like inside everyone had a flower. I kinda' see us all as flowers. And when we're scared or when we don't really feel connected with ourselves the flower petals close up and no one can see the light hidden within them unless they really look. We're all really good at burying this flower but when it opens up, it's fragrance is over powering. I think of them as sun flowers, each one holding it's on light. Some of them are the softest fragrance, as fragile as the petals attached it and others are bittersweet with thorns. But no matter if they are soft, strong or serene. They are all potent. It's this little gift we all have within us and it's our choice whether we want to see the gift or if we want to ignore it.
I wanna know this flower inside of me. I want to let this light shine as bright as it can and other people feel its warmth. I want to shine with all my heart and know that no matter who I love, it's a love worth given.
I am happy. I feel that. Who I really am is happy. I'm so happy that I cry and I know to to just enjoy this moment. Because I know I normally am afraid of just enjoying life for all it is, right here, now. Because I've had faith in fear for a long time. It's hard for me to believe there is such a beautiful world. But it's here. It is. Thank-you...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S57Gc8PSIO8
I leave everyone with this video!
Eli <3
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Codependency versus Love
Since it's kinda' late, I don't want to rant on too much but I really want to touch on the subject of codependency. As my father said, "Codependency is often times mistaken for love but really it is not at all and is very unhealthy." Codependency is when you feel dependent and feel the other person is dependent on you for survival. It will make you feel guilty for things you can't control or isn't your fault at all. It will make you feel overly needy and you will find yourself obsessing. This is NOT love. I have found true love to be the most freeing thing you can ever experience. Oh yes, there is a deep connection but it's nothing like codependency. And codependency doesn't seem to bad at first, you feel very close to the person and you are. But it's not healthy, it's like you are trying to BECOME that person, in some ways. You are not anyone but yourself and you have to remember that. I see it as an assassin, trying to make something potentially beautiful into something extremely destructive and unhealthy. It's the ego's way of seeing things, really. Feeling like you NEED someone is not healthy. You don't need anyone, what you need is for them to be true to themselves and for you to always be true to yourself and thus being true both of each other. Whether that be breaking things off or toughing it through. And yes, I do believe there are moments where you need someone to help you through things but that's different then being codependent to someone.
It's like what I was saying to my mother earlier tonight, "I don't think it's really good to promise someone forever for anything except that you're going to love them. Love is the only thing that doesn't need anything to stay sustained. It just is. Just like you're always going to love me no matter what I become; you may feel pain if I am very destructive to myself or even anger but you will always love me. Love is the only thing truly eternal because it survives through anything. It's true, after all."
Love will accept things no matter what. If someone in your life has to leave because you are on different paths, even if it ends badly. You will still love that person when you are being honest with yourself. With true love you can let someone go and no you will never TRULY let them go because you love them and this is a very freeing way to live. You can be true to who you are and I can be true to who I am. I will always love you but I will also always go with the tide of my life. This is not destructive. Any other way and stop someone from being able to live their life truly. You will be chaining them down and eventually something will go wrong. Nature pulls to it whatever energy is required. Whether that be a chaos storm that will wreck your life around but help you to break free. It seems cruel and a lot of times I still think it is but it's not evil. It's just the way we work. I don't think it always has to be so terrible, yes sometimes, we cannot help it. But the more aware of who you are as a person and the more fluid you are in the way in live your life the less life will have to break down your stone wall with a hurricane. Love does what someone needs because it honestly cares about you and doesn't want to help you to stay in something destructive for you or others.
I read someone say, "Those of you who can go off and do your own thing without feeling terrible from being away from the one's you love, in my humble opinion you are not in love."
I don't want to be in love if that is what love is. I don't ever want to be so brain warped by someone that I can't even live life anymore. That sounds like a nightmare to me, not beautiful. That's when the beautiful becomes a prison. Where the very thing that is supposed to be most special to you, chains you down. I'm sorry if others feel differently and I mean no offense but this is my blog so I will write my feelings how they honestly are down.
Kirene and I have a relationship like this. We've lasted for years and still no fights. Don't get me wrong, we've been through a lot together. But on a daily basis we are on good terms with one another. We obviously both love each other very much and I think we both wanted something very much. True love. Nothing else, nothing more, nothing less.
It is because he has tried his best to share with me and I have tried my best to share with him only the truest love, I can go months on end without speaking to him and still feel sustained. I am not only sustained but have a place of inner peace. True love changes a person, transforms them and helps them return to their truest form. It's honestly when I first started feeling different about life. Happiness and peace that transcended all other things. It gave me wisdom that I'd never before experienced. I was powered by this love and freed by it. Sometimes I fear losing him. Sometimes I fear many things but when I find deep within that true love, I just hope that I will always do what is best for him and know what is right for me as well. He is someone so special that I want to treat him exactly how he should be. Be true to both him and me. We both really love each other so we both want what is truly best for us both. I want that for him. And I don't want to be codependent with him or anyone else for that matter.
There are still some matters with a couple of relationships that I have to figure out. Let's see how it goes. Now I really must get sleep.
-Eli
It's like what I was saying to my mother earlier tonight, "I don't think it's really good to promise someone forever for anything except that you're going to love them. Love is the only thing that doesn't need anything to stay sustained. It just is. Just like you're always going to love me no matter what I become; you may feel pain if I am very destructive to myself or even anger but you will always love me. Love is the only thing truly eternal because it survives through anything. It's true, after all."
Love will accept things no matter what. If someone in your life has to leave because you are on different paths, even if it ends badly. You will still love that person when you are being honest with yourself. With true love you can let someone go and no you will never TRULY let them go because you love them and this is a very freeing way to live. You can be true to who you are and I can be true to who I am. I will always love you but I will also always go with the tide of my life. This is not destructive. Any other way and stop someone from being able to live their life truly. You will be chaining them down and eventually something will go wrong. Nature pulls to it whatever energy is required. Whether that be a chaos storm that will wreck your life around but help you to break free. It seems cruel and a lot of times I still think it is but it's not evil. It's just the way we work. I don't think it always has to be so terrible, yes sometimes, we cannot help it. But the more aware of who you are as a person and the more fluid you are in the way in live your life the less life will have to break down your stone wall with a hurricane. Love does what someone needs because it honestly cares about you and doesn't want to help you to stay in something destructive for you or others.
I read someone say, "Those of you who can go off and do your own thing without feeling terrible from being away from the one's you love, in my humble opinion you are not in love."
I don't want to be in love if that is what love is. I don't ever want to be so brain warped by someone that I can't even live life anymore. That sounds like a nightmare to me, not beautiful. That's when the beautiful becomes a prison. Where the very thing that is supposed to be most special to you, chains you down. I'm sorry if others feel differently and I mean no offense but this is my blog so I will write my feelings how they honestly are down.
Kirene and I have a relationship like this. We've lasted for years and still no fights. Don't get me wrong, we've been through a lot together. But on a daily basis we are on good terms with one another. We obviously both love each other very much and I think we both wanted something very much. True love. Nothing else, nothing more, nothing less.
It is because he has tried his best to share with me and I have tried my best to share with him only the truest love, I can go months on end without speaking to him and still feel sustained. I am not only sustained but have a place of inner peace. True love changes a person, transforms them and helps them return to their truest form. It's honestly when I first started feeling different about life. Happiness and peace that transcended all other things. It gave me wisdom that I'd never before experienced. I was powered by this love and freed by it. Sometimes I fear losing him. Sometimes I fear many things but when I find deep within that true love, I just hope that I will always do what is best for him and know what is right for me as well. He is someone so special that I want to treat him exactly how he should be. Be true to both him and me. We both really love each other so we both want what is truly best for us both. I want that for him. And I don't want to be codependent with him or anyone else for that matter.
There are still some matters with a couple of relationships that I have to figure out. Let's see how it goes. Now I really must get sleep.
-Eli
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Wisdom to see -
So today has been an exciting day and I ended up going to a revival at a church that is probably one of the closest churches to what I could call my home church. There are many people there that I have known since I was very small. I could feel the love there and today some people from Africa came there. But I don't want to get ahead of the story. So, I've been feeling a little off. I've been feeling a little disconnected. It is so hard for me to to say that I love Him. That I love God and that I trust Him or that I see him for who he really is. But I've been reading a lot of Kerli's blogs and what she's been saying and it's been renewing my faith and how I feel about life. I also really believe this yoga has been good for me.
But today I found myself really connected with music and I was just feeling very free so I decided to go outside and love the beautiful sunshine that was covering the whole yard when I thought to go visit Socks grave. I said hello to him and a cold gust brushed against my legs. I could feel him there in some ways. It was really in that moment that I could see that I've truly begun to wake up. My life really is different, now. It's like I've been reborn, literally. But this is the world I remember. I don't really know why I say 'remember' but it feels more real to me then anything else. THIS is my life. My true life. It's like I was always dreaming of it before but now I am living it.
Tonight at the revival I said to mom before we went, "Let's dedicate this to Samuel. Just keep our minds focused on him." When we first arrived and everyone began praying in the began, I started praying for Samuel and this wave of energy shot up my legs. I could hear everyone's voices speaking, it was magical. I felt like I was in this wave of words and all them humbled to the power they could feel. The energy made my body begin to shake slightly and for the first time, I started speaking in tongues. I never have before, not like that. But it came out of me as though I were chanting some ancient language. But I felt it. It was the words of blessing for Samuel. So beautiful.
The preachers from Africa were amazing and I always love how God can speak so personally to you and like five other people at the same time with totally different situations with just on sentence. They were saying it was no coincidence they came all this way to talk to us that night. It wasn't. They started by talking about how you shouldn't give up on the people you care about, don't stop praying. They even said, "Some of you don't have your sons here tonight but don't give up."
Mom and I went to the front of the church to be prayed for to help our spiritual awareness be awoken. And he did pray for both of us. He said for me to be wary of those I associate with and that I have forces working very hard against me. Someone prayed for me in tongues. It was very beautiful. I prayed for a few people and when I sat down I was given the scripture verse 1 Samuel chapter 2. It's where Samuel hears the voice of God and at first doesn't realize why he does. He is able to HEAR God. That is his gift. But I didn't even realize that until just know that, that was the whole point of me reading that.
When he was younger he heard someone call out his name, "Samuel!" And when he told his parents they said they had not called him. But it happened again and dad told him to say to him just as Samuel did in the bible. But he did not say his name again. Yet, I know Samuel believed it was God. I hope that one day I can tell Samuel this and it will spark something within him. When I was praying for him, I said, "Be with Samuel in the way that is right for him." I remember what I meant was maybe Christianity is not his way but God has written many books and is a very diverse God because we are a diverse people. He can still connect with him and that's when I started speaking in tongues. That is also when I felt a shiver run across my skin as though I'd realized something very important that God wanted me to see. I just feel he needs my help right now but I don't know really what to do. Anyone who knows him or even if you don't, keep him in your heart and send him love, please. He needs it more now then ever. I can't even explain it but the other day I heard, "Elizabeth." and no one was around. Plus I could tell it was in my mind, it ALMOST sounded like it wasn't but I could still tell.
The voice immediately reminded me of Samuel. The voice sounded like when he was concerned. It also almost sounded like Kirene...So, I just wasn't sure. And then something like, "Wouldn't be able to hear that." I don't know. I was being called to and I know that. But was it God? Was it Samuel? It was someone and they sounded worried. I love you, Samuel. I'm sorry if I'm not always the one I wish I could be but I want more then anything in this world for you to be happy.
I think that is important. I think people's happiness IS more. That being happy and believing in fighting for meaning in life go hand in hand. I believe that the things that truly matter are what make you happy. I also think that you don't have to sacrifice yourself. I believe the true sacrifice is to a lie! WHY can't we be happy? It's a fight to be happy. You and I both know we can never be blind to the truth. Do you think I am blind just to be happy? Do you really think I would choose that? I wanted to. I won't lie. God, I wanted to hide myself so bad when I was going through the stuff I was but I knew I had to be true to myself and myself would always want me to be honest with myself.
Please, Samuel, be honest with yourself. "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
Who are you not to be happy, Samuel? Who are you not to be the brightest, most brilliant star in the sky, my brother? Because you are. You shine in this world like no other man I've ever seen. Don't hide that and don't be afraid any longer to be that person.
I think it feels like giving up? That if you were to do that, you'd be giving up on what's most important but maybe what's most important is waiting for you to see it for what it is. It's not like life is ever going to be easy no matter what path you go down but you should at least be able to enjoy it along the way. We're only promised today, afterall, right? I will support you anywhere you go but I support YOU, not things that I feel hurt you. I don't want you to feel so alone or whatever is going on right now and I am here. With you. Always.
I.L.U - Integrity, Love, Unity
Goodnight Moon and goodnight noises everywhere~
I'm going to go do my P.M. yoga now and then dream! I would like to request that people pray for me to untangle this confusion I have with my own personal affairs. I feel I know but I want to be more certain.
I love you all.
- Eli
But today I found myself really connected with music and I was just feeling very free so I decided to go outside and love the beautiful sunshine that was covering the whole yard when I thought to go visit Socks grave. I said hello to him and a cold gust brushed against my legs. I could feel him there in some ways. It was really in that moment that I could see that I've truly begun to wake up. My life really is different, now. It's like I've been reborn, literally. But this is the world I remember. I don't really know why I say 'remember' but it feels more real to me then anything else. THIS is my life. My true life. It's like I was always dreaming of it before but now I am living it.
Tonight at the revival I said to mom before we went, "Let's dedicate this to Samuel. Just keep our minds focused on him." When we first arrived and everyone began praying in the began, I started praying for Samuel and this wave of energy shot up my legs. I could hear everyone's voices speaking, it was magical. I felt like I was in this wave of words and all them humbled to the power they could feel. The energy made my body begin to shake slightly and for the first time, I started speaking in tongues. I never have before, not like that. But it came out of me as though I were chanting some ancient language. But I felt it. It was the words of blessing for Samuel. So beautiful.
The preachers from Africa were amazing and I always love how God can speak so personally to you and like five other people at the same time with totally different situations with just on sentence. They were saying it was no coincidence they came all this way to talk to us that night. It wasn't. They started by talking about how you shouldn't give up on the people you care about, don't stop praying. They even said, "Some of you don't have your sons here tonight but don't give up."
- Be determined.
- Don't quit on him because he hasn't quit on you
- Be in the spirit
- Follow God or follow trouble
Mom and I went to the front of the church to be prayed for to help our spiritual awareness be awoken. And he did pray for both of us. He said for me to be wary of those I associate with and that I have forces working very hard against me. Someone prayed for me in tongues. It was very beautiful. I prayed for a few people and when I sat down I was given the scripture verse 1 Samuel chapter 2. It's where Samuel hears the voice of God and at first doesn't realize why he does. He is able to HEAR God. That is his gift. But I didn't even realize that until just know that, that was the whole point of me reading that.
When he was younger he heard someone call out his name, "Samuel!" And when he told his parents they said they had not called him. But it happened again and dad told him to say to him just as Samuel did in the bible. But he did not say his name again. Yet, I know Samuel believed it was God. I hope that one day I can tell Samuel this and it will spark something within him. When I was praying for him, I said, "Be with Samuel in the way that is right for him." I remember what I meant was maybe Christianity is not his way but God has written many books and is a very diverse God because we are a diverse people. He can still connect with him and that's when I started speaking in tongues. That is also when I felt a shiver run across my skin as though I'd realized something very important that God wanted me to see. I just feel he needs my help right now but I don't know really what to do. Anyone who knows him or even if you don't, keep him in your heart and send him love, please. He needs it more now then ever. I can't even explain it but the other day I heard, "Elizabeth." and no one was around. Plus I could tell it was in my mind, it ALMOST sounded like it wasn't but I could still tell.
The voice immediately reminded me of Samuel. The voice sounded like when he was concerned. It also almost sounded like Kirene...So, I just wasn't sure. And then something like, "Wouldn't be able to hear that." I don't know. I was being called to and I know that. But was it God? Was it Samuel? It was someone and they sounded worried. I love you, Samuel. I'm sorry if I'm not always the one I wish I could be but I want more then anything in this world for you to be happy.
I think that is important. I think people's happiness IS more. That being happy and believing in fighting for meaning in life go hand in hand. I believe that the things that truly matter are what make you happy. I also think that you don't have to sacrifice yourself. I believe the true sacrifice is to a lie! WHY can't we be happy? It's a fight to be happy. You and I both know we can never be blind to the truth. Do you think I am blind just to be happy? Do you really think I would choose that? I wanted to. I won't lie. God, I wanted to hide myself so bad when I was going through the stuff I was but I knew I had to be true to myself and myself would always want me to be honest with myself.
Please, Samuel, be honest with yourself. "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
Who are you not to be happy, Samuel? Who are you not to be the brightest, most brilliant star in the sky, my brother? Because you are. You shine in this world like no other man I've ever seen. Don't hide that and don't be afraid any longer to be that person.
I think it feels like giving up? That if you were to do that, you'd be giving up on what's most important but maybe what's most important is waiting for you to see it for what it is. It's not like life is ever going to be easy no matter what path you go down but you should at least be able to enjoy it along the way. We're only promised today, afterall, right? I will support you anywhere you go but I support YOU, not things that I feel hurt you. I don't want you to feel so alone or whatever is going on right now and I am here. With you. Always.
I.L.U - Integrity, Love, Unity
Goodnight Moon and goodnight noises everywhere~
I'm going to go do my P.M. yoga now and then dream! I would like to request that people pray for me to untangle this confusion I have with my own personal affairs. I feel I know but I want to be more certain.
I love you all.
- Eli
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