You are More

When I think about my past and everything I had felt, I had done. Sometimes still feeling ashamed, sometimes still feeling as though I can be one step too close to the edge and I'll never be to do just what I need to do. That no matter how hard I try, there is nothing I can do right. The feeling of being a failure, the feeling of not being intelligent enough. Or even the feeling of not being beautiful enough as a woman, never holding enough composure or low self esteem. Past mistakes, since all mistakes are of the past. I think about how I always felt I was that one human being who missed something about life that everyone else seemed to get.
The outsider.
But through all of this, it has dawned upon me, everyone is riddled with fears, doubts and insecurities similar to me. They feel ashamed, they can't fit in, the feel too much pain, the are alone, they don't know what to do, we're all so scared...so lost. I remember when I felt that pain in my heart before, when I felt I'd been wronged by the world. When I felt I had been utterly betrayed by God, by love, by life. I didn't trust it for as far as I could spit. I didn't trust myself, for that matter. Who could I trust? So much pain, so much horror. I couldn't believe my eyes, I absolutely couldn't stand someone who would allow this to happen to me, to the one's I loved or to others. "How could he?!" And once I stopped believing it was even him[consciously]. I started people as monster and I saw myself as the biggest monster. I had to lie to myself that I was somehow different, I had to believe that if I made a vow to myself I could keep it. I couldn't become a part of this world. I loved it with all my heart and yet it was what gave me the most pain and scared me the most.
I remember all that anger...desperation. I felt it first when I was younger. One morning, crying my eyes out. First time it had been so bad but things shifted in me and I couldn't stand the feeling, wondering somehow if it was my fault. Surely I couldn't feel something like that if it wasn't truly terrible. I remember having the feeling of, "It doesn't have to be this way!" That is always what made it so bad, is that I truly couldn't stand this being the reality of the situation. No. There WAS light. I wouldn't allow myself to see it for what it was because I didn't want to accept the darkness or pain.
I always felt that this sadness, the sadness that I used to call the Well of Sadness, a never-ending pain that felt as if it had stretched on for lifetimes and lifetimes of pains, so deep, it is in so many of us.
I don't think I ever wanted to think anyone else could have pain so deep like my own. It hurt me so bad I felt I could become this huge giant and consume all the world in flames from the pain it had caused me. Surely there was something wrong with me, surely I had been betrayed. Little did I know, so many people feel this way every day.
Ashamed, not good enough, lost, forgotten, ugly, unwanted.
Love never fails you. No, I honestly believe that and my heart reaches out to everyone else because I can't stand to think that someone else has or is going through the pain I went through or suffers with those thoughts about themselves. Now, I want to embrace the entire world, pull us all tight together and wash away the sorrows of our hearts. I wish more the anything to kiss those pains away and show people that they aren't what they have done, will do or can ever do because who they truly are is everything they can ever imagine and more. Our doubts about ourselves are lies, none of it is true. All my beautiful, beautiful brothers and sisters, I want you to know just how miraculous you are to me and just how much I can't even begin to explain how I love you.
Here's the big secret: We all feel that we're the odd one out, that even if we come across as normal there is something that just makes us off. That everyone else has the answer to life or it seems they can live better then we can, that we missed that lesson in life. That if anyone truly saw us for who we are they would recoil in horror or find us alien to them but the truth us they would be absolutely dazzled by the Light. Because that's who you truly are, something so beautiful even you or I can't comprehend it yet. Being true to yourself may seem scary but don't trust it is, that is the most beautiful you will ever be is when you are true to yourself.
I am half awake but it's something that I really wanted to say because it was in my heart. Until next time!
<3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwtcwQwgdsA&feature=related

Eli

It's the Creator calling on the Created!

I have not been on my blog in a little while but I have been very busy. I only have eight weeks of school left and quite a lot of math to finish up. My teacher is the kind of teacher that would probably pass me either way just because I participate so much in class and am very attentive to what she is doing but I truly want to pass because of my own good credits.
Not to mention I have still been working through many different internal things as in things of the 'ego' and things from my past that carried over through out my 17 years of life. I am just now being able to have strength and courage to look these things in the eyes and begin to slowly work towards a change in heart, mind, soul and attitude.
I have been making new encounters with old friends and new one's. I seem to be making a bigger impact on their lives then I ever have and I really am feeling rejuvenated by it. The love and happiness that flows through me whenever I am true to who I am, when I am true to God; I can't explain but I get teary eyed just thinking about it. This is what I've always dreamed about. That's what I can best describe this as, a dream come true.
I am about to go to my friend Skye's house and spend the night with her but I am being blessed by my monthly gift that mother nature gives us and feeling a bit ill humored, just slightly. The biggest problem I am having is problems with patience, right now. Everything can easily make me impatient. lol Let's just hope I can be patient with Skye because she is kind of stressful at times when it comes to the way she communicates. But if I am laid back, there should be no problems. I only hope it will be a good time for her as it is for me and that her mother will be glad to see me again. I really do like her mother.
I'm hoping to get more chances to write down in my blog and speak my thoughts, what I'm going through and whatever else I need to because I do believe that is important for me to do.
I am excited about life and I believe that I will only continue to progress. I can feel it in my soul, things are going to shift for us all. Something good is on our horizon, even if our eyes can't perceive it for what it really is. But I still feel there is much I must work through because the hurt that I carried for so many years without ever being able to change has grown into something strong within me.
But what if...even when we can still feel the pain in our own hearts, it doesn't break us down. And yet, instead  we can let it go, we can still smile.
"Eyes that have seen much pain but haven't been broken by it." This quote has stuck with me for years. It always made me think about a woman who wasn't destroyed by the pain that she felt but yet it softened her towards others and only paved the way for more love to come into her heart. A strength, a beauty that shines throughout a person.
It made me think of the moon, it made me think of my mother. It had always been something that I'd wanted to be. Someone who could shine like the moon no matter the darkness I shine light upon. I wanna' still be able to see the light when it doesn't seem it still exists. See it with my heart, with my soul. Because I know the truth. The tests of change are a part of life and I know they will come and I know I will be faced with more. But I also know more joy is on it's way, more wonderful things.
I know my life will and always has been, enriched and entangled in love, even when I couldn't see it or feel it. To everyone that has been here for me, I love you so dearly and I think of you every night before I go to sleep. Peace unto you all.

"In You where the hungry feast at the table 
The blind frozen by colors in view 
The lame will dance, They'll dance for they are able 
And the weary find rest 
Oh the weary find rest in You"


Eli

The deepest seduction of that "Special Relationship"

For so long it has driven into our minds that there is this perfect soulmate for us, I know...It was one of the strongest searches within my heart. But I had always felt something about it was off. It felt like something truly true was missing from the love! I had always talked about finding True love with someone. I knew it would be something surpassed everything we had all imagined before about that special someone.
The truth dawned bright this morning, there is no 'special' someone because that denotes they are different in way that separates us from others. I am in love with everyone, this is greatest love story between the world and God himself. All of us, not one is left behind. Not one of us loses out the chance to find that special someone. Because that special someone is found in every brother and sister that you have ever loved and God. We've never been alone and what we've been searching for was there with us all along.
It's the worlds greatest temptation against the truth and oh I know, I went straight for it with all my might and all my heart. I WANTED that True love with someone and I went to the depths of where it may lead you. I can tell you for a fact that pull is not from love but from hurt, the ache in our hearts when we are with that special someone or you feel an almost painful adrenaline rush it's the temptation and sadness mixed together because we know that they are not separate and neither are we.
I remember when I was younger I had bring dreams for a soulmate like anyone else and I ended up sneaking behind my parents back to be with someone that put a lot of people in a dangerous position. He was never cruel to me, always sweet and showed his heart but once the truth came out it was like wave of Death hit all the others that I loved. I saw it as beautiful but they never would because all it caused on them was hurt and disdain. So I felt anger towards them and towards myself because I was separating myself from them with the relationship and in the end we did not stay together for his own problems began piling up. I remember feeling relieved, I did care for him but somehow I knew it's not what I needed.
They say that for that special someone we have to break all the boundaries sometimes and fight for it no matter what others say or do but when we do it in real life all it leaves us with is hurt and we hurt the others we love. We have all the reasons why that must happen, sacrifices have to be made for True love or not everyone will ever be happy with our decisions. But let me say this, when we are being True to who we are, we are being True to the one's we love, it fits hand in hand. No one has to be hurt. Yes! No one has to be hurt. We don't have to make that separation and when we do make that separation we are only hurting ourselves.
I remember that I always wondered why people made relationships seem so beautiful with intimate partners when all I ever saw was a cloud of pain that followed them everywhere they went. Honestly, after all I had gone through recently, I had felt rather strange when it came to that sort of love. I felt betrayed by it. I felt that what it had pretended to be to me all this time had been a lie. And I realized it might just be one of the biggest lies of our time. Yet it had been one of my biggest focuses!
I never wanted to be the couple that made everyone else in the room feel uncomfortable. I never could place my finger on it but there was something just wrong about the way we were when we were together that way. While the two people in the couple might be enjoying themselves when they separate themselves from others and that person because a 'special' person to them over others, you are not painting a beautiful picture to the people on the outside. We all try to see this is just the way things are and give those people their space and privacy but I remember always feeling like I was second best, always feeling like if my life were on the line they would choose that person over me. I could always feel the subconscious decision they had made to separate themselves from us. I called it an obsession, not True love. Because I knew that True love was so pure and so beautiful it would only be able to make others smile and feel loved in it's presence. But it truly is that relationship that makes us feel confused about True love.
And I know, I followed just how deep that rabbit hole goes. It leads to death. Death of True love, death of friendships, death of happiness, Death of yourself.
And I'm not saying that every relationship we have in life is the same but they are all a part of God and a part of us. No relationship needs to be seen as special in the sense that it is separated from most other relationships because then we could say that every relationship is that special relationship. The relationship with your mother is different then that of your best friend but they still all matter the same and should ALL be seen in such high regards. We don't need that special someone to fill an emptiness within us, to heal the hurt within our heart or to make us whole. All we need is love, seriously. Connect with your higher power, love everyone in your life and see that this truly is a huge love story going on between us all. This is our True love. Each and every one of you are my True loves and I love you all.
I would never have wanted to accept this before and I see that now, so clearly. I needed a miracle and while it was like a wrecking ball had thrown me to my knees and utterly dismantled all of my comfort zones, I finally see it for what it is. I see all of it for what it is because I was shown. I wasn't even sad as it left. Years invested into a particular way of thinking and the relief I felt once I saw the alternative, the truth.
As most of you know, there is someone in my life that I am involved with in a romantic sort of way but God has shown me that while I had many ideals that weren't True with him I had truly experienced True love with him. I remember that it had changed at one point, my mindset. I wanted True love. And so there were many things I focused on, telling my parents the truth that I was with him, showing them I did care about their opinions, not burdening others with constant talk of him, spending as much energy in my friends as I did with him and making sure to do that especially when we were all together, being able to just enjoy his company and get to know him, being happy with his love no matter where he was, what he was doing or what would happen in the future. I remember in the nights that I felt fearful, just thinking about him brought a feeling of True peace to my heart and I felt truly loved for who I was. I knew he completely accepted me. If anything he felt like a Guardian Angel of my heart. He was a direct connection to God through him, I did feel connected to the higher power when I was True to him this way and loved him for who he was not some ideal.
I remember that I had even come to the place in my life in which I felt that if he were to leave me all I would want is to know he was doing what was best for him and that if he found someone that he truly loved they would truly love him in return. I remember even feeling that if that woman would be able to make him smile I knew I wouldn't be able to help but love her, myself. In fact, I always felt I would probably love that woman with all my heart because I knew he would find someone absolutely beautiful and I also felt that if he had to leave to somewhere so far away that we could not meet anymore I would only need to know this is where his heart belonged and then I would be awarded with a sense of True happiness and peace inside my heart.
Through this whole experience, this I realized, I truly am at peace with whatever happens between him and I in my heart because I know both of us will be taken care of, truly loved and the fact that I love him isn't something can be changed.
Though it is peaceful, it is the most liberating feeling in the world, after so many years of worry over that special someone with just swift thought, I realized that I was no longer afraid. I trusted God, I trusted love and I had faith that we would never be mistreated.

I will give you some background on my relationship with Kirene.
I have known him since 6th grade. I am currently in 11th grade. During the first year that we knew each other, he lived in Alabama with me and went to my best friends school. I had been desperate during this year. Loneliness crowded my heart and little did I know the pain had come from my complete separation with my parents and God himself. They had recently undergone a divorce and so I had in my own divorced myself from them as well, relying only on my younger brother as we paved a new path for ourselves outside of religious views. This is where past lives came into play. I believed that I had lost a true love in a past life which by this time I had recounted two. I had been sitting in father's apartment, staring at the blinds with a distant ache in my heart I had whispered, "I miss him." I'd never truly been in love with a boy in this fashion before so I began to wonder if there had been someone in my my past. But this was only the beginning of the rabbit hole for me and where I truly altered off my path to chase after a long lost lover. I looked for him in every guy I had a crush on but he never made my heart jump or my pulse race, in fact, it felt wrong. At times I wondered if there was something wrong with me because all the other girls my age loved to date around and got close to the guys so easily but I never felt that same connection. I decided it was because they weren't the one and only my heart belonged to that past life lover. I spent countless hours retelling the past this man and I had together to my best friend Emily and she would listen to every word with a caring ear. I longed for him more then anything, you could definitely call it an obsession. I was on the verge of my greatest despair and little did I have to go on. Would I ever see him again? Would love really find it's way back to me? Thoughts of him was a haven from all the heartache and cruel judgement of daily life. When I thought of him, he accepted me for who I was no matter how many times I had gossiped at school or made my mother angry, he still thought I was beautiful and he still loved me. I said it was because he truly saw me for who I was. This man would be a gentleman and would still be a real guy. Though he would metaphorically be my knight in shining armor I knew he would have his own personality and his own flaws. I would want to be there for him as he wold be there for me and I would want him to be able to be my best friend. I could share everything with him. Secretly, I wanted somehow who would see everything about me at every moment and have them by my side every moment of my life so they could share it with me. It felt so lonely and pointless to do it alone. So I began to believe the past life lover and I had a psychic connection and he really was with me ways at all points of the day. When I would get my saddest it did feel as though I could feel his gentle comfort washing over me, little did I know, I truly had never been alone. Someone had always been watching over me and being there for me. But that is the when Kirene entered into my life.
Emily was worried about me, I had reached out to her. I still remember the email I had sent to her about the fact that I was desperate, I needed love in my life again. That's when she told me there was a boy named Julieus[he went by this name while in school] that I might be interested in him and she would mention me to him if I liked. I immediately loved the idea! And before you knew it he wanted to meet me. But it started off by us talking over the internet and chatting, the closer we got the more I felt this was love at first sight. I'd never felt and kept this feeling for so long, all the other boys I'd lost interest. So I of course began to wonder if he was my past life lover. Long story short we began seeing each other and I was absolutely head over heels for him, he was my story book prince come to life. After a couple months of getting to know him we actually met and it made me only crazier for him. I wanted to see him all the time, to the point where I would spend night after night depressed just by being away from him. My best friend didn't know what to do to comfort me and really the only way I would have been happy would be to have been magically transported to him. As time went on, I saw him less and less until finally I find out that he has to move to Pennsylvania but we  would still be able to be together. I wasn't happy by this fact but I was determined that he was the love of my life so I would wait until we could be together again as I assured him. After a couple months of not hearing from him he finally gets online and to my greatest dismay, he didn't think we should be seeing each other anymore and to seal with deal he told me he'd found someone else he wanted to be with but he stressed that I find someone else to make me happy and to let him go.
I was crushed by it. Literally. There had not been an inch of me that had been prepared for our break up or the fact that another girl would have his love! I crumpled into the floor and bawled my eyes out much to my own fathers dismay. It was the only time that I had ever truly considered suicide. I had become so serious about him that I believed if he did not love me, none of my dreams would come true and I really was not someone who deserved love. But when face with the choice to actually do it, I came to the realization that there was nothing within me that would ever take my own life. It was something more then me. It was fear that had stopped me, but love for myself. I love who I truly was too much to ever actually 'pull the trigger' sorta' speak and God was really showing me that. This was the first phase of our relationship and instead of seeing what God was trying to show me, I completely let go of Kirene and convinced myself that he just must not have been my past life lover and all of that was some kind of lie. So on my search continued for this perfect soulmate and that is when I ran into the man that I fell for in which hurt the others around me. I believed he was my past life lover, of course but there were times when I felt that it just wasn't True. I remember sometimes when we would pull into an embrace I felt teary eyed as if I was cheating on someone. Little did I know, it was the feeling of separation from 'the past life lover' aka, True love, aka, EVERYONE ELSE. God, my loved one's, you know. I was 'cheating' on my truest love sorta' speak. But still I had been too seduced by True love being this one soul mate and I was determined to be with my past life lover. Over time the truth came out about us and 'shit hit the fan'. It wasn't a fairytale after that, it was my living hell, as was it for everyone else I loved. All our worst fears got to come True because of my decision to choose separation over True love. The worse fighting our family has ever seen broke out and all of us were left with deep scars and resentments from what happened. I blamed my family for ruining what had been so beautiful to me but secretly was riddled with guilt for hurting them so badly. No matter how hard I tried to believe they were in the wrong, I felt monstrous. How could I ever create such a look in my own father's eyes? There had to be something wrong with what I did or how I did it. I couldn't hate him for loving me so much that he would worry about me to that extent. But I couldn't forget why I had been trying to do it! So who was to blame? I see now that no one was to blame, it was simply a mistake that had been made and created our own small versions of personal hell which is always what separation from True love will do. Fear or love, as simplistic as that sounds, this is the truth of the matter. Kirene came back into my life almost instantly after my break up with that man. I didn't trust Kirene at all, at this point and part of me really didn't even want to talk to him but I needed advice from him that I knew only he would know. My feelings about the past life lover had changed, I realized that he existed in another life and if we were really meant to be it would happen but I couldn't keep myself from love all my life just because I was waiting for something that may never happen. But Kirene's first response was an apology, for the hurt he might have caused me and that he understand if I didn't believe him. Over time we started talking as friends and reconnecting. He'd admitted to me that he had broke things off between us because he didn't think he was what I really needed. He knew how much I wanted to see him all the time to the point that I was in terrible depressions and then he had moved away. He also knew that I believed he was my past life lover and we were destined to be so he chose to make it seem as harsh as it could be so that I would let him go. He really hadn't been harsh to me in a rude manner but he did know me well enough to know all my soft spots so I could see it that way. I didn't necessarily believe what he was telling me but I decided that it could be possible. We talked for months on end and eventually it came to the point where we were interested in a relationship, again. He'd come down to visit, shown me something about himself he'd never shown me before and then proven himself by protecting Emily and I from danger when he could have so easily bailed on us. I was feeling something changing inside of me, it wasn't desire that was pulling me towards him, though I did have that same ache as always. No, the driving force was an almost faithful feeling. I remember after he protected Emily and I, I got this feeling of dejavu, almost and I knew that something monumental to my life had just happened. It was like for a moment I was sucked out of my fantasy world, soulmate mindset and I honestly thought, "Wow, he's a really good guy." I didn't feel idolizing of him or anything, I felt like I truly had seen him for who he was. He was a guy that cared about people, truly and honestly. I had this earnest feeling of faith in what had just happened and my higher power connection felt revitalized, somehow. So I did shift gears with him and become honestly interested in him because of what he had shown me. I became willing to give him a chance. By this point I was in eight grade and the following years after that were filled with many joys and discoveries between us. I still eventually felt that we had some sort of connection beyond this world, as in soul mates or spirit mates but I felt that no matter what we were it wouldn't matter if he was the mail boy from down the road, I would still truly love him like I did now. So we lasted for years and though I still had that fantasy mindset that only over the passed month has truly changed, I  do see that I had begun to truly love him for who he was and not in that separated sort of way.
Relatives, friends[especially girls my age where the 'special relationship' is so strong in our culture] always would ask me, "How are you able to do it?" After finding out that I had been steadily in a relationship with him since 8th grade and now I was in 11th not to mention the fact that I'd really only had a one year break from him while with the other man before he came back into my life. Seven years of him being in my life isn't a number to scoff at for most girls my age and I knew my relatives found it hard to believe themselves. Many people were absolutely incredulous. But I remember that whenever asked this question I never felt I had this awe inspiring response because to me, it really had not been anymore difficult then if he had been physically with me the whole time. In fact, I remember that I had found it a blessing in disguise that we had so much time to truly grow in a different sort of way then physically. This way I could also focus on the other aspects of my life as in, school, family and other aspirations. Though there was times that I missed him being there, when I was being truly honest with myself, I didn't feel he was even separate from me. I couldn't feel the physical distance anymore. The fact that I loved him and he loved me in return was all I needed to feel for me to feel completely and utterly comforted and happy. I knew no matter what happened, I truly loved him and that was more then enough for me. I knew that what I was feeling was the special because it did not hurt anyone else and I was TRULY satisfied. Yes, I was truly satisfied with my love life in that manner though many girls my age were not and they had physical relationships with the guys. I remember they would always say to me, "Elizabeth, you are a strong girl. Elizabeth, you have much more will then I do." I would always feel sad for them because I knew that wasn't the case. It wasn't like I was weathering something out here, I was happy with it. I honestly was happy with my situation because I knew it was what was best and I knew that it really didn't effect us because we still loved each other. I knew these girls were looking for the same thing I had been looking for, for so long but there was no way to tell them that because even I didn't know how to put it into any sort of words that I could understand until now. So now I say this to everyone who had ever asked me how I did it or how I was so 'strong'? I wasn't strong, as in enduring something unwanted, I was happy and there is True strength in that. I was faithful in the relationship but most importantly I truly loved him for who he was and nothing more. I didn't make the relationship into something it wasn't. It's not a special relationship because of what type of relationship it is but simply because it is a relationship. Every relationship is a special relationship of God and we are all meant to love each other as brothers and sisters of God with a True friendship. So if he stopped being my lover then we have other things to learn in other ways but we still truly love each other no matter what type of relationship we have. Because true love isn't compartmentalized by the type of relationship you have with that person and you must understand that our relationship types are only there to help teach and learn things. A parent teaches a child something that only a parent would be able to, your best friend is the same age as you and wouldn't be able to do a parents job and a parent learns from a child by being fulfilled with their successes and their failures. It's all different stages and parts of life but no matter what relationship type we have, we all still love each other truly.
The only way to fill that void, emptiness, to truly let go of the pain and lovelessness. To remember what it's like to feel true fulfillment and to truly be happy. The only way to truly heal is by reconnecting to True love. God wants to heal us and the truth of the matter is we haven't been waiting on him to save us be he's been waiting for us to let him, because he will never infringe on our free will. So let's stop fighting against our very nature and putting faith in the fear but faith in Love, instead.

Elizabeth     

I do want this!

I'm still at the point in time where I can slip back into my old mindsets and there have been trigger points. But, truthfully, I am feeling different. It's like I feel like a lot of us think of the words True Love and our higher powers and believe that they are some alien force guiding us to a place we don't even know how to comprehend, yet. And while I do believe we definitely don't totally comprehend what is going on, there is something so simple about it all when you truly feel connected to your higher power and feel True Love within your heart and soul. It's always felt like waking up from a strange hallucination in which I felt I had always been the alien to my own truest self. Because suddenly I remember why I do all of this, why all of this has so much meaning and why it all matters so much to us. Why I do love everyone for who they really are, why I have always felt that everything is going to turn out exactly as how it should and though I won't be able to predict it, I do know there is happiness waiting and true freedom from all these fears. Simple seems like such a small word but it's really not. Because this simplicity is from something so true that every other unneeded thought or feeling disappears and you see it all for exactly what it is. God, your higher power, whoever you want to call it is a glorious person but I don't see him as some distant and strange entity but my best friend who feels love and kindness even deeper then I do. Not just peace but love, joy! He really is a friend that cares. It's like dad said, if there is a conspiracy going on with us humans for our best benefit, then I am okay with that! And so am I! Knowing something before I am ready is not something I strive for. I want to be the truest form that I can possibly be. I want to truly love others and live my life with love and happiness.
The other night I was worrying about getting stuck again or not changing at all but mom helped me to feel better. She said to me, "I think some people try to change but they don't really want to but I know you truly want to change. And I have no doubt in my mind that you will be okay. The only time I worry is because I am your mother and hate seeing you in a difficult place." Something is truly changing for me and I can feel it. Sometimes it brings tears of joy to my eyes and other times I can only smile with all my heart. I know this though; I want more then anything to help others release their own pains and return to the love waiting for them.
I remember some nights from a few weeks before and that feeling of complete hopelessness and misery. I'd not let myself get to this place before. Not to this extent, I'm not sure if I'd ever truly felt this way in my entire life and people who loved me noticed this. I've always been someone who is 'strong' and doesn't let things get to my too bad. I had a motto, "Never give up." And I believed it fiercely. So getting to the point where I felt no hope or letting myself believe I truly was capable of failure so bad that I could lose everyone, lose my sanity, I would never believe that possible. Though I was terribly afraid of it. I remember feeling like I was always running from the inevitable. I wrote about it a lot in my journals and venting with other people. But I wouldn't let myself stay in this mindset for too long, I had to keep moving, keep moving. A world weariness was strong on my back at only the age of 17. Pain in the loved ones, the behavior of those around me, frightening pains inside my own heart....The list could go on for so long but fear is something I thought I could escape. A part of me always knew it was Death I was truly afraid of. It was the fact that no matter how far and long I ran, that was going to catch up with me. That no matter how much I pushed, I would be digging my own grave. I made so many inner vows to myself. I had to believe that I would not become the monster that I saw covering this world. I was running from Nothingness within my own soul. But I knew I'd have to face it and for so long I thought I had to conquer it. For so long I believed that I had to take control of the Nothingness, the darkness within my life. But through this experience, my confidence had been ripped to shreds. I failed repeatedly, every inner vow broken no matter what I did. Every time I was monster, every time I saw that the darkness still dwelled within me. I realized, I am not True. I am ever changing and no matter how hard I try, I CAN fail. There are times when I may give up in ways. There are times when I fail my friends. There are times when I break under the pressure. But trying to kill the darkness will only kill the light. Because light doesn't kill things, light doesn't change things. I needed to find love again. I had to accept that I couldn't do this on my own. Just like an alcoholics mind would be used against themselves, so would my own. I would 'drink' again. I would be convinced it's exactly what I needed to do. But through all of this, I see that no matter what we do, no matter what we do, we are not damned. God is there, waiting for us to see that it's not true to who we are and all we need to do is forgive ourselves, ask for forgiveness and move on, change. It's not an easy process usually but it will lead us back to our true selves and our true happiness. It's as they say, violence won't end from violence only love and if you do try to destroy violence with violence you will only be leaving the love within yourself. But nothing can change who we truly are. Nothing and I mean NOTHING can change that. True is true and that is the same with our higher powers. We are all truly loved for who we are not what we do or have done or even are thoughts.
But to ever truly leave this illusion we have to believe to see passed it.
We've gotta' believe there is something more then all of this.      

Strength in the Truth

As I continue down this path, more and more is being revealed to me and the True truth is putting to light darker parts residing in me in which had been trying to fool me for a very long time. I am truly beginning to regain a sense of confidence in myself again but I know that I don't need to be too hasty about anything and continue to humble myself to the journey no matter what. But I do feel much strength coming back to me from the True truth. I have many books, movies and most importantly people in my life who are helping me along. Because that is the Truth. We are not alone. As long as we are willing to look, there is someone or something there to show us the light in our darkness. I have many things that I still need to accomplish. I'm not making as much achievements with my schoolwork because the website I use is not working and school has been out for one reason or another but I won't let that hinder my spirits and believe that there is always a reason for it. There are a few people in my life right now that are going through some rough spots and I am truly wanting to be there for them like they have been there for me.
They are not alone
Even with the trouble they are going through, there is a truth needing to be shown
It WILL not turn out as horrible as it seems, especially if you can grab onto the truth that is being revealed from the chaos storm or the chance for growth. Is it not true that there must be something not working for there to be such a break? I really hope that everything will be okay. But I DO trust that they are protected and truly loved. It will all be okay. Can't help but be human and be concerned. I do love them with all my heart and soul. But what they really need is my belief. All the belief that I can contain.
I remember Kerli saying once, "I feel like I am being born." I can totally relate. It really feels like I am being born all over again. From the darkness and nothingness that had rested in my heart from before to something so True and ALIVE! I feel like I am returning to innocence. Can't help but think of Enigma and feel a deep respect and love for the whole process. This IS what I've always believed in and what I've always dreamed of.
And I've found that I have this whole new respect for the Moon on a level that even I didn't truly see for what it was...She is the Light in our Darkest times. And in the darkness there are beautiful creatures that reside and love her and there is still much beauty seen in the Night. I believe it's a very feminine energy and something that I can truly relate to. I only hope to understand it more as the time goes on.

I hope that one day I can be True inspiration to those who need a light in their darkness.
If ever you doubt love, happiness and something MORE just remember that you're still not alone in those moments. You're never alone and if you truly need it, someone will be there.

I love you all.

Eli

Too good to be True?

I think we would all be surprised how hard it can be to believe that it's even possible for us to be loved beyond belief. The hurt and the resentment that piles up over the time begin to tell us otherwise. Over the years we feel we are given no reason to believe that there is something bigger out there looking out for us, helping us, even. How many of us put the blame on something else? How many of us don't take the time to look at the one's who love us in our lives or what we really do have? I remember thinking, I wish there really was someone who truly cared about my struggles about every moment that I slipped up or I turned away from who I was or made bad decisions and that no matter how pathetic I felt, looked or acted that they could see the true in me. I wanted more then anything to be true, I still do. To be "a light in the darkness when no one else can see the hope" because I know how it feels and I know it's not True. There is always hope. But I know there will be times when we can't feel it or see it or really even believe it's there, yet that doesn't kill or make it unattainable for us. The Hope is still there, the love and the truth. It's all waiting for us when we reach the other side of our darkness. Some people wonder if there truly was someone out there that really loves us, or maybe even someone's, why would they let this happen to us? Why would they let us go through such pain? I can't say I like the darkness, I can't say I like feeling despair but I can say that I've grown so much from the struggles I've gone through. Even now, I'm struggling with old wounds all the way back from when I was in 6th grade but I am beginning to see that this, too, is a part of life. That's still not what we focus on, we use that struggle to help us become stronger, we fight against succumbing to the doubts in our minds, "I'll never truly be loved. Who would love someone like me?" For a lot of us, there is a laundry list of why we shouldn't be loved. For the mistakes we made, for the pains we've caused on other or even the way we simply are. I know, trust me, I know. Especially going through this experience and truly seeing some of the things that I did to the one's I loved or all the inner vows I made to myself that I broke, I have trouble seeing just what it is that is lovable about me.
Last night I faced a dark subject and one that literally rubbed my heart raw but it was something I knew I'd only be able to face when I was stronger. It undoubtly brought up a lot of emotions and I was quite effected by it. I don't think I've been to a place like that in many years. So many of my walls that I had used to fall back on were being taken down and I had to face many of the coping mechanisms that hurt others. I felt pathetic, I felt weak, I felt disgusting. I thought to myself, "How could someone love someone who doesn't even feel love for themself? How could someone love me? I really want God to love me." And then I felt a presence that I had run to before in my time of desperation, a presence that never truly loved me. Instead of listening to it, I reminded myself that I WAS loved, no matter the mistakes I made or the terrible things I did. No, it's not something that God or anyone else likes and it does hurt people but they understand it's not who I truly am and it's a part of growing up which we do all our lives.
I looked into the mirror and I heard a familiar, hateful voice say from behind me, "Stupid, ugly girl." I remembered this feeling all to well. Usually, I didn't feel I had the right to disagree? Someone pathetically bawling their eyes out and feeling sorry for themselves, someone who wasn't even comfortable in the skin they were in. Wasn't I a stupid, ugly girl? I shouldn't have made all the mistakes I made or let myself get to this point, I shouldn't have done this or done that. I felt ugly from the inside out when I was like this. I never thought that true beauty didn't have to be pretty. That those flaws is what made a person even more beautiful. But something had changed within me, even if just a minuscule bit; to this voice, instead of succumbing to how it made me feel and how much I felt I believed it I saw something else in the mirror.   
I saw a strong, young woman. I saw a woman who loved people with all her heart and soul. I saw a truly beautiful woman who was loved by God, the Infinite One, Who I am, my Family, my Friends, the Angels. I AM truly loved and for good reason. I believed it with all my heart and soul in that moment and instead of giving in I said in the mirror, "Don't you ever say that about me again, I am NOT a stupid, ugly girl." Then I smiled, I truly smiled from the bottom of my heart. I hadn't seen my true smile in so long just by me believing in myself. Something had begun to change in my heart.
Needless to say there was more things that progressed during the night and I am still feeling a bit shaken by it all but it's okay. It really is okay that I am going through changes and tough times but I am trying my hardest and I am believing in God, my mama and that hard work can do wonders for a person.
So when I ask myself, "Is this too good to be True?" Instead I should look at what is making me feel I can't have these things in my life. Is there something I need to face? Am I looking at life through old wine skins? Why couldn't be True? If it's truly a good thing for who I am, and the one's I love, it's something worth trying for!

Elizabeth

Something Worth Dying For

I've not written on my blog in two days, I believe it is. I left my last blog with a bit of unease and uncertainty. I really needed my luck dragon to come flying back in again and shake things up.
I've been given many little revelations over this process but there have been two major one's that I want to discuss.
When I got off the computer from my last blog I had felt like there truly was something that I needed to be doing or something I was missing with the whole process. I kept getting the intuitive guidance to ask God, ask God. Maybe he would give me help or tell me something. But I was more caught up in focusing on listening to what Who I am wanted me to do. I'd made up my mind that, that was what was best for me. But later on that night my mother comes home from work and I felt that I should go to her for advice. Over this process my parents have been two of the biggest roles in helping me through this and have been my direct link to a higher power but in their own ways. They have shared with me things from their heart and soul and I have really learned from them as any child should be able to. You'd be surprised what you can learn when you're really willing to listen!
She's my momma so obviously she could sense something was eating at me. She tried testing the waters and even asked me if there was anything she could do to help. Without really seeing what I meant by this I said, "I don't think there really is anything you can do to help." That's my old way of thinking. From what I've seen, my parents always help me and just when I need it, too. As we begin to talk I start seeing some of the traumatic things I went through with the break-up of my parents had effected the way that I felt and lived life. I had my own coping mechanisms that lead me to stop believing in who I was and in God. Mother and I spoke about God and the way we felt it's really not how most religious indoctrinizations feel about him and more about there being a True meaning to life and all of this. I told her I wasn't looking to worship him but see him for who he really was and that I really did love him with all my heart. He's someone that is one of my closest friends and really it goes beyond that. But as I thought of it, I saw that he was here to help me as well and he wanted to help me to become my truest me. He would never change that or try to make me into something I'm not.
Mom said that she knew I would come back to him and I remember her telling me that when I was younger but I didn't really believe her. I thought she was just in denial with the fact that I would never accept those ways, again. I didn't think there was truth to it, not the ACTUAL truth. I didn't feel it was for me and quite frankly I was gaurding my heart to closely to take the risk and see. I knew how much it would hurt and change me if it ended up not being true so I felt that I was perfectly fine where I was. I didn't let myself think about what I was missing in my life and just how much I really didn't feel things. I really had created a side of myself that was dead inside and could not feel the ways of life so that I could detach myself from the reality of what was happening and live happily. It never lead to happiness and over time I put myself in dangerous situations by not being able to see things for what they really were and that there was true meaning to them. I was denying the very meaning of my existence to try and protect it. But it can't be broken, who you are is not something breakable.
I suddenly saw that God was there to help me and I really did need some outside help rather then just me. Throughout this experience I have been shown true humility and the darker faces of who I am. I have become what I swore I'd never be and saw just how it effects the one's I love and my own personal unfolding. But I was also shown that while I am an imperfect being that will break vows, hurt the one's I love most and be a failure, I am also NOT the failure or the victim. Who I am is what truly matters, not the mistakes that I make. They are only there so that I may learn from them and hopefully grow into a better person. But I can't ever come to the place where I believe it's not possible for me to make any sort of mistake. It truly is possible for me to be a coward in the most important moment or for me to give up when I really need to keep going and everything is depending on me. It's says this in the bible and both my parents told me, "Don't make vows to yourself."
If you vow that you will never give up no matter the situation, life will test your word and you will invariably give up because you will be put into an impossible situation in which there is nothing you can do or you will continue the rest of your life trying but not being able to. I have to be able to accept that I AM a imperfect and flucuate and need to see the only one's who have the power to do those things are people who truly are capable because they are true. God is something to take into example with this. It doesn't make us lowly creatures or powerless, it just doesn't make us ALL powerful. We're on a journey and we're not perfect beings yet but if you're willing to listen, learn and grow, you will begin to see that we like children, new to flight and God is lending us a helping hand. Who we truly are is meant to unfold when we aren't being true to ourself we do things that really don't do matter to the core of who we are and can be destructive to the whole process. "Just because something is powerful, doesn't mean it is true." I felt it today. There was a part of me that felt something powerful in a certain mindset but because I was unable to truly see it for what it was I didn't realize it wasn't true to me. Feeling something doesn't always mean it's true to you. They say in the bible that the heart is desperatly wicked. I don't see wicked in the same way most would. Wicked is something that goes against the core of who you are or the one's that you love. And it most definitely would feel wicked to you. I think the bible is referring to the fact that our heart feels many things but without truth it can be very misleading to us. We can't solely depend on our hearts to take us where we need to go, we have to remember that there is more to us then just our hearts but never to forget to love and keep feeling. Cutting ourself from love and feeling is cutting ourself off from life.

I shared much with my mother and father of this whole journey and I gained many invaluable words of wisdom, truth and love from them. Mother helped me to open the doorway back with God and see him for who he is, she helped me feel truly loved and a sense of knowing I'm not alone and I'm going to be okay. She helped to channel God's desires for me and for me to get back into the bible without the indoctrinzations that usually tag along with it. All of yesterday I spent cleaning my room, organizing and beginning an amends process for different and sundries bad habits that I had. Stealing or mistreating items was a very big one so I returned many things and asked for forgiveness for taking them in the first place and mistreating them.

Then father came over. He was planning to watch the Whale Rider with me. We spoke of many things and struggled through some stuff together. I had brought up some difficult things from the past and both of us had trouble connecting to a higher power or finding a place of ease. But I prayed for father and he was there for me and soon peace came to us both. We went to waffle house without any sleep and just loved each other company under the higher power's insisting. ;] It was fun and I really felt better but by the time I woke there was still a disconnect. The indoctrinzations with life were strong. I didn't want to walk away from all I had done the day before but I knew there was more to what I needed to do. Then we watched the Whale Rider and after a tearful event, I really felt what I had been needing to see.
God and Who I am wanted me to see it for what it really was. See him for who he really is and see what I am doing for what it really is. The message to me was strong, to be able to find something that MEANS something true to you that you actually come to the place where you are so connected and so true that you would give your life for what you are doing, that is when you know and feel meaning to life. The Whale Rider was willing to die for her people, her way and her cause. She loved people for who they were and not what they were. The one man who lived in his old ways and treated her the worst was the one she loved the most because she could see how much he truly wanted to do the right thing but was completely missing the point. It end with it being revealed to him by him seeing her truly ride the whale and he says, "Forgive me Ancient one's for I am new to flight." He realized the error in his ways and she did bring about a change. She never wanted to be "the one" but she really cared and she wanted EVERYONE to be the one in their own way. Because everyone's personal mytholgy had unfolded, everyone was shining. That was what I needed to see. The NeverEnding Story showed me about believing in my dreams and I could really feel that true joy and believe and a smile was in my heart. But Whale Rider was a direct connection and without the meaning, the dreams wouldn't matter. To be able to feel the suffering of life and still find true meaning in it all, that is something that I truly strive for.
I hope only to continue in my revelations and listening to the higher powers in my life, counting in my parents who I respect so very much. During this period everyone I love had given me precious nuggets of wisdom that have helped me greatly. I can only hope that I'll be able to do the same for them when my time calls for it.
I love you all and I would write more but there is much for me to do.
I want to keep this blog updated as much as I can, though because I feel it is very important for me to keep things written down and connecting with everyone.
Sionara

Elizabeth
 

"The Tests of Change"

Today, I feel I could've done better and I also could've done worse. Maybe that's not always the best way to see things? I have to remember that I'm not going to be perfect with this but there really did feel like there was something I was missing. A part of me feels I should just continue to strive for what I feel I need to do by trying to truly listen to who I am and the goals I have. But I feel there is still something lacking in a way that I need to continue on.
Last night it stormed and it stormed heavily at that. I want to say that's why I had trouble sleeping again but parts of me feel there was something else to it. During my dreams I felt I could truly feel what it was that I needed to do to be true to who I am, if not, I was never going to see things for what they are. Perspectives seem to be a very important thing with me but that's what I have to wonder...Does the perspective really matter? Even if I don't have all the knowledge can't I still do what I need to do if I listen and try my hardest? But in the dream I heard the reoccurring quote, "Being true is being true, don't change it into something it's not." I've felt it before, too and I know that it's true. When you're true to something, you're really true to it. I know I have to put out the effort to be true to it since I'm not unfailingly true but I also know that other parts of me can make me slowly drift away from the path that I want to go down. True is true, I'll know it when I do it. And a part of me felt I was really seeing things for what they were when I was waking up this morning. I could truly feel and see things again but I fell into a panic and it quickly settled back into the person that most people have known me as the passed few years. I know that what I am is not true and doesn't see things for what they are but whenever I am true to who I am, I get this moment of clarity and I can do what I need to do. Somehow, though, there is conflict between whether I am really being true to who I am by fighting to do what I want in life and to be what I want to be in life. Do I have to remember that I'm not true and that things just AREN'T going to feel right until I really am or if I ever get to a place like that? The best I can do is keep trying, right? Even if I'm in the wrong...
But then another part of me says this is not being true and this is not listening, if I really want change I'm going to be working towards really being true and seeing what it was that I was shown. I can see that but I'm not really sure how to see that or what to do once I do and I really don't want to drop what I've been doing to change it. Either way, I feel I should keep trying my best to be true to who I am and I usually do feel there is something to it when I try and I believe in what I'm doing. It's just that I also know I don't totally understand what's going on and I need to be willing to listen. I know it will come to me again but whenever I listen my determination falters and I become unsure of everything and what I need to do when I slip back into this mindset.
I don't like being in this mindset, honestly. After everything I've experienced I know there is so much more to feel and see but something about this makes it to where I can interact better, here, or at least it seems that way. But it might really be the blindest one of them all, I'm not sure. I know that's it's really not how I want to feel or see things but when I am trying things do begin to change, I just have to keep trying. I don't know if this is really what who I am would want or if I need to try to be in a different mindset for all of this. These times are a bit scary, almost. Not knowing what to do or where to turn. I try to listen but sometimes I've seen the best thing I can do is get back onto my feet. It's just that I know this is very important. This is my life. This has to do with how I will interact with the one's I love and how I will make a difference or change things for the better or worse. Every moment counts and I just don't want to take it lightly. I do still laugh and know there will be time for joy but after so long of really not seeing the importance of things I don't want to give into that. I guess some people might think I'm going overboard but I have to honestly ask them if they wouldn't do the same if they felt that everything that meant anything was on the line for them? I know it's not like it will vanish but you have to start somewhere and the world doesn't wait forever before chaos storms and whatever else starts to step in. I feel it's a good thing that I see my life with an urgent feeling of care and as long as I don't let it make me doing anything dangerous or drastic, it's showing me that I do care about who I am. I'm the happiest and the most fulfilled in the moments when I feel in tuned with who I am or I am doing what I feel I need to do. Life itself is changed and I realize just how pointless most of this was before. Yes, everything has a purpose in this world but I don't want my purpose to be another drone in the crowd. There's gotta' be more to this life then that and I've gotta' remember not to give up. I feel like it's needed more then anything here and everywhere else. The unfolding of someone's true self is so needed I can't even begin to express in words the feeling I get deep within when I think of it. Even if I don't completely understand it for what it is, yet. I know it's something I want, truly want.
I want to really connect with people but when I'm in this mindset, if I'm not being true to who I am, I'm exactly the same as I was before. Which is worse then anything. I can't stand being that way because now I can see the things I said so easily which really aren't true to me at all in ways that I can't stand.

It's not going to be easy. It's real and it's true. Things like this are never easy and I need to not let that discourage me. I just have to remember that there has to be some kind of driving force behind this and if I don't try then who will? But I've learned that even in the moment of my worse despair and I felt utterly lost, I was pulled back out of it again. There was always a friend or thought that would bring me back again. I'm not alone in this but I know this is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done. Who knows what the future holds and if steering is really the best idea for me when I'm not sure where it'll take me.

I came on here to write another blog because I knew I really needed to. I'm feeling uneasy and uncertain and I knew that some days this is ALL I would feel so it's me sharing with you what is really going on a lot. But it's not that I wanted to hide it but I didn't want this to be about me not knowing what to do. I'm choosing this. Well, I'm really trying to be true to who I am. I'll repeat things sometimes almost like a mantra but it's mainly because that's the basis of what's going on with me. I'm getting off topic, though. My brain is so scattered right now. I wanted to log in but I realized that I'd forgotten my email username. I was certain that it was ,"lifeismorethenrorshachtests" which is the url for my blog but everything I did to make that work just wouldn't. I laid back on my bed feeling more frustrated then I had all day and really feeling a bit of guilt. I needed to be able to keep this blog going and that email I made just yesterday as well for similar reasons yet I couldn't even remember the username to it. It just felt like an overall bad omen and so I felt completely sure that this was a sign or something that I wasn't doing what I needed to do.
Instead of settling with that, I thought about it. I really thought about it and I remembered that I had picked the name carefully so it would really mean something to me. I began thinking about change and remember it had to do with change. It is was I am striving for, afterall. Then the more I thought about it I remembered the name; "The Tests of Change."
It felt more fitting then it should have in that moment. I really did feel like I was being tested. Testing my resilience and seeing if I really would remember what was supposed to mean something to me. To me if felt like a simple reminder; all of this is going to be very testing.
It's like my father told me, you have to be able to get to the place where you don't just say, "Yes, I want this." but, "HELL YES, I want this!" Maybe that was what I needed to see all along, no matter what happens, I can't forget that I'm being tested here. Can I actually stay true to who I am? That's the question that is being asked. I've got try my damned hardest if I plan to make any kind of difference.

I'm finding myself getting tired and I know there are still other things I need to do before the day is over so I'm going to sign off here. I really appreciate everyone in my life right now and I hope to have more inspiring posts as the days go along but it just doesn't feel right to pretend anything about what is going on, right now. I am ready for something new. Something new that will truly be true to who I am. One thing is for sure, things are different for me now, no matter what happens in the future. I can say that some sort of truth has been revealed to me about myself and who I want to be. I love you all deeply. Those of you reading that know me and know what all of this means to me I hope I can always be someone that you say you believe in. :]

Elizabeth

"Growing up is never easy."

A close friend of mine said this to me over text as I am explaining to her how I've been doing.

"I can't promise that I will be steady throughout, though. I am really changing things for myself or atleast trying to."

The past few weeks have been very different for me. I feel that big part of me has been wanting this all of my life and I've been asking for it in different sorts of ways all of my life but I really never saw what it was that I needed to do. Maybe I just wasn't being true to myself as much as I wanted to be. As I reflect I can still see the moments of truth and true that entered my life; I can see the strife and striving that was part of me. But as I feel the sea's of change break over my skin like crashing waves I know beyond a shadow of doubt that things will be different. Because now at least a small part of me can know and remember, "never stop trying and luck will find you."
 I'm not alone in this journey
Throughout this entire month, I have been shown in ways that I could've never imagined before that I'm truly not alone. There are people who love me for who I am inside and out, flaws and mistruths. They truly see me for who I am and not all the stupid things that I have done or will do. They see love in my heart, the shine in my eyes when I believe, the truth of my soul and the strength of my spirit. Somehow, no matter how cluttered I become these people in my life never doubted me. But I guess that's what being true is all about...I want to be this person for the one's that I love, a true support. Someone that they know they can depend on and even if I do fall down, even if I do hurt they will know that I'll truly be there when their heart is calling out for someone just like mine has done. I see him, the man that for so long I didn't want to accept. I'm really not a religious person and I don't see God the same way that most people do. But I do love him, I truly love him. He's always been a friend of mine in my heart and he always comes to you when you need him the most. I love him for who is, someone who truly cares for people. Even the day I turned my back on him, he was there. Because he said to me, "In this life, you will never be alone. Elizabeth, you weren't meant to be alone." But I see it for what it is. There will always be someone there for me when I need it but I can never stop believing in who I am for the moments when I've got to be the one to get back up on my feet. And if I'm not alone then I know they are not alone as well, who I am is someone who is always there for them, as well.
Life is interactive
I know that there are many things that I believe in and I want to be but when I do not strive for them on a daily basis, they become old. My dad told me about how we have to renew things in our life to keep them alive because just like you have to keep feeding your body food everyday, you must continue to feed who you are as a person. You have to interact with what you want. If you want to travel, you can't just believe it will happen but actually strive to make it possible. I really want change in my life. As a person, how I see things, what I do but most importantly what I am doing. I do believe there is a time for self reflection and just sitting down and enjoying or feeling certain things. It's like Doctor Mckeever told me, sometimes you do need to embrace those dark feelings or negative emotions and not suppress them but you can't let that change you as a person. Remember what you believe and what you want in life. I know that I'm going to fall down and I know that I'm probably not going to know what the hell that I need to do sometimes but the best thing I can do in those moments is to get back up and keep trying. Even if I'm messing up, I am still living life. It's better to be willing to make mistakes then to not live at all. I don't want to make a bunch of mistakes or not listen to who I truly am but at the same time I don't want to stop living all together. I do want to change and I'm going to strive for that but I really do have to remind myself that sometimes I'm just not going to do what I need to do.

I love the journey. As scary and miserable it can be sometimes, it's something beautiful. I hope that I can continue to see life this way,
no matter what I've been shown I feel that there truly is something to growing up as an individual. The best part is when you're given that little sign from life that it's listening to you and that it see's you. It's like the unfolding of who you are is making a difference somehow. There more to all of this, though. I feel that deep down. No matter what I do I need to remember that this isn't true to me but true to who I am because my true is being true to who I am.

I've got to write things down as I feel them
This blog is going to be place where I can help myself grow, learn, listen. No matter what it is, I want a place where I can see and feel the changes I will be going through. Wish me luck, world!
I still have A LOT to do and I know it. I'm excited.
I can see the possibilities opening up for my dreams and my life but I know it won't happen unless I truly interact with my life and make dreams reality. Because I am a strong believer in, "Dreams do come True." I feel like that they need our belief and our love but they will always come true if we strive for them.

A big help to me lately, The NeverEnding Story. It meant a lot to me when I watched it a few months ago but it's been a life saver to me this last few days. I have to remember it, remember the feeling in my heart and what it means to me. Because believing in your dreams is something this world needs. No matter, it's not going to happen unless someone is willing to fight for it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJx3qhhD9dY&feature=related

This is Kerli's Stay Golden. Skip to 0:54 in the video if you want to just listen to the song with the subtitles. It really speaks to me right now because I am telling myself this like a mantra, lately. When I'm at the depths of not knowing what to do and not believing in myself I tell myself that I've gotta' see these moments are only gonna' make me stronger and to stay golden to who I am truly. Kerli has meant a lot to me throughout my life. No matter what stage I am at she has been someone to truly help me when I need it most. I really feel like she is someone who lives her life truly and with all her heart. I have looked up to her as a person for quite some time and gotten much inspiration from her. I truly do love this person, straight from the heart. And I send her silent thanks for the help that she has given me when I needed it most.
Thank-you, Kerli.

~Elizabeth