For so long it has driven into our minds that there is this perfect soulmate for us, I know...It was one of the strongest searches within my heart. But I had always felt something about it was off. It felt like something truly true was missing from the love! I had always talked about finding True love with someone. I knew it would be something surpassed everything we had all imagined before about that special someone.
The truth dawned bright this morning, there is no 'special' someone because that denotes they are different in way that separates us from others. I am in love with everyone, this is greatest love story between the world and God himself. All of us, not one is left behind. Not one of us loses out the chance to find that special someone. Because that special someone is found in every brother and sister that you have ever loved and God. We've never been alone and what we've been searching for was there with us all along.
It's the worlds greatest temptation against the truth and oh I know, I went straight for it with all my might and all my heart. I WANTED that True love with someone and I went to the depths of where it may lead you. I can tell you for a fact that pull is not from love but from hurt, the ache in our hearts when we are with that special someone or you feel an almost painful adrenaline rush it's the temptation and sadness mixed together because we know that they are not separate and neither are we.
I remember when I was younger I had bring dreams for a soulmate like anyone else and I ended up sneaking behind my parents back to be with someone that put a lot of people in a dangerous position. He was never cruel to me, always sweet and showed his heart but once the truth came out it was like wave of Death hit all the others that I loved. I saw it as beautiful but they never would because all it caused on them was hurt and disdain. So I felt anger towards them and towards myself because I was separating myself from them with the relationship and in the end we did not stay together for his own problems began piling up. I remember feeling relieved, I did care for him but somehow I knew it's not what I needed.
They say that for that special someone we have to break all the boundaries sometimes and fight for it no matter what others say or do but when we do it in real life all it leaves us with is hurt and we hurt the others we love. We have all the reasons why that must happen, sacrifices have to be made for True love or not everyone will ever be happy with our decisions. But let me say this, when we are being True to who we are, we are being True to the one's we love, it fits hand in hand. No one has to be hurt. Yes! No one has to be hurt. We don't have to make that separation and when we do make that separation we are only hurting ourselves.
I remember that I always wondered why people made relationships seem so beautiful with intimate partners when all I ever saw was a cloud of pain that followed them everywhere they went. Honestly, after all I had gone through recently, I had felt rather strange when it came to that sort of love. I felt betrayed by it. I felt that what it had pretended to be to me all this time had been a lie. And I realized it might just be one of the biggest lies of our time. Yet it had been one of my biggest focuses!
I never wanted to be the couple that made everyone else in the room feel uncomfortable. I never could place my finger on it but there was something just wrong about the way we were when we were together that way. While the two people in the couple might be enjoying themselves when they separate themselves from others and that person because a 'special' person to them over others, you are not painting a beautiful picture to the people on the outside. We all try to see this is just the way things are and give those people their space and privacy but I remember always feeling like I was second best, always feeling like if my life were on the line they would choose that person over me. I could always feel the subconscious decision they had made to separate themselves from us. I called it an obsession, not True love. Because I knew that True love was so pure and so beautiful it would only be able to make others smile and feel loved in it's presence. But it truly is that relationship that makes us feel confused about True love.
And I know, I followed just how deep that rabbit hole goes. It leads to death. Death of True love, death of friendships, death of happiness, Death of yourself.
And I'm not saying that every relationship we have in life is the same but they are all a part of God and a part of us. No relationship needs to be seen as special in the sense that it is separated from most other relationships because then we could say that every relationship is that special relationship. The relationship with your mother is different then that of your best friend but they still all matter the same and should ALL be seen in such high regards. We don't need that special someone to fill an emptiness within us, to heal the hurt within our heart or to make us whole. All we need is love, seriously. Connect with your higher power, love everyone in your life and see that this truly is a huge love story going on between us all. This is our True love. Each and every one of you are my True loves and I love you all.
I would never have wanted to accept this before and I see that now, so clearly. I needed a miracle and while it was like a wrecking ball had thrown me to my knees and utterly dismantled all of my comfort zones, I finally see it for what it is. I see all of it for what it is because I was shown. I wasn't even sad as it left. Years invested into a particular way of thinking and the relief I felt once I saw the alternative, the truth.
As most of you know, there is someone in my life that I am involved with in a romantic sort of way but God has shown me that while I had many ideals that weren't True with him I had truly experienced True love with him. I remember that it had changed at one point, my mindset. I wanted True love. And so there were many things I focused on, telling my parents the truth that I was with him, showing them I did care about their opinions, not burdening others with constant talk of him, spending as much energy in my friends as I did with him and making sure to do that especially when we were all together, being able to just enjoy his company and get to know him, being happy with his love no matter where he was, what he was doing or what would happen in the future. I remember in the nights that I felt fearful, just thinking about him brought a feeling of True peace to my heart and I felt truly loved for who I was. I knew he completely accepted me. If anything he felt like a Guardian Angel of my heart. He was a direct connection to God through him, I did feel connected to the higher power when I was True to him this way and loved him for who he was not some ideal.
I remember that I had even come to the place in my life in which I felt that if he were to leave me all I would want is to know he was doing what was best for him and that if he found someone that he truly loved they would truly love him in return. I remember even feeling that if that woman would be able to make him smile I knew I wouldn't be able to help but love her, myself. In fact, I always felt I would probably love that woman with all my heart because I knew he would find someone absolutely beautiful and I also felt that if he had to leave to somewhere so far away that we could not meet anymore I would only need to know this is where his heart belonged and then I would be awarded with a sense of True happiness and peace inside my heart.
Through this whole experience, this I realized, I truly am at peace with whatever happens between him and I in my heart because I know both of us will be taken care of, truly loved and the fact that I love him isn't something can be changed.
Though it is peaceful, it is the most liberating feeling in the world, after so many years of worry over that special someone with just swift thought, I realized that I was no longer afraid. I trusted God, I trusted love and I had faith that we would never be mistreated.
I will give you some background on my relationship with Kirene.
I have known him since 6th grade. I am currently in 11th grade. During the first year that we knew each other, he lived in Alabama with me and went to my best friends school. I had been desperate during this year. Loneliness crowded my heart and little did I know the pain had come from my complete separation with my parents and God himself. They had recently undergone a divorce and so I had in my own divorced myself from them as well, relying only on my younger brother as we paved a new path for ourselves outside of religious views. This is where past lives came into play. I believed that I had lost a true love in a past life which by this time I had recounted two. I had been sitting in father's apartment, staring at the blinds with a distant ache in my heart I had whispered, "I miss him." I'd never truly been in love with a boy in this fashion before so I began to wonder if there had been someone in my my past. But this was only the beginning of the rabbit hole for me and where I truly altered off my path to chase after a long lost lover. I looked for him in every guy I had a crush on but he never made my heart jump or my pulse race, in fact, it felt wrong. At times I wondered if there was something wrong with me because all the other girls my age loved to date around and got close to the guys so easily but I never felt that same connection. I decided it was because they weren't the one and only my heart belonged to that past life lover. I spent countless hours retelling the past this man and I had together to my best friend Emily and she would listen to every word with a caring ear. I longed for him more then anything, you could definitely call it an obsession. I was on the verge of my greatest despair and little did I have to go on. Would I ever see him again? Would love really find it's way back to me? Thoughts of him was a haven from all the heartache and cruel judgement of daily life. When I thought of him, he accepted me for who I was no matter how many times I had gossiped at school or made my mother angry, he still thought I was beautiful and he still loved me. I said it was because he truly saw me for who I was. This man would be a gentleman and would still be a real guy. Though he would metaphorically be my knight in shining armor I knew he would have his own personality and his own flaws. I would want to be there for him as he wold be there for me and I would want him to be able to be my best friend. I could share everything with him. Secretly, I wanted somehow who would see everything about me at every moment and have them by my side every moment of my life so they could share it with me. It felt so lonely and pointless to do it alone. So I began to believe the past life lover and I had a psychic connection and he really was with me ways at all points of the day. When I would get my saddest it did feel as though I could feel his gentle comfort washing over me, little did I know, I truly had never been alone. Someone had always been watching over me and being there for me. But that is the when Kirene entered into my life.
Emily was worried about me, I had reached out to her. I still remember the email I had sent to her about the fact that I was desperate, I needed love in my life again. That's when she told me there was a boy named Julieus[he went by this name while in school] that I might be interested in him and she would mention me to him if I liked. I immediately loved the idea! And before you knew it he wanted to meet me. But it started off by us talking over the internet and chatting, the closer we got the more I felt this was love at first sight. I'd never felt and kept this feeling for so long, all the other boys I'd lost interest. So I of course began to wonder if he was my past life lover. Long story short we began seeing each other and I was absolutely head over heels for him, he was my story book prince come to life. After a couple months of getting to know him we actually met and it made me only crazier for him. I wanted to see him all the time, to the point where I would spend night after night depressed just by being away from him. My best friend didn't know what to do to comfort me and really the only way I would have been happy would be to have been magically transported to him. As time went on, I saw him less and less until finally I find out that he has to move to Pennsylvania but we would still be able to be together. I wasn't happy by this fact but I was determined that he was the love of my life so I would wait until we could be together again as I assured him. After a couple months of not hearing from him he finally gets online and to my greatest dismay, he didn't think we should be seeing each other anymore and to seal with deal he told me he'd found someone else he wanted to be with but he stressed that I find someone else to make me happy and to let him go.
I was crushed by it. Literally. There had not been an inch of me that had been prepared for our break up or the fact that another girl would have his love! I crumpled into the floor and bawled my eyes out much to my own fathers dismay. It was the only time that I had ever truly considered suicide. I had become so serious about him that I believed if he did not love me, none of my dreams would come true and I really was not someone who deserved love. But when face with the choice to actually do it, I came to the realization that there was nothing within me that would ever take my own life. It was something more then me. It was fear that had stopped me, but love for myself. I love who I truly was too much to ever actually 'pull the trigger' sorta' speak and God was really showing me that. This was the first phase of our relationship and instead of seeing what God was trying to show me, I completely let go of Kirene and convinced myself that he just must not have been my past life lover and all of that was some kind of lie. So on my search continued for this perfect soulmate and that is when I ran into the man that I fell for in which hurt the others around me. I believed he was my past life lover, of course but there were times when I felt that it just wasn't True. I remember sometimes when we would pull into an embrace I felt teary eyed as if I was cheating on someone. Little did I know, it was the feeling of separation from 'the past life lover' aka, True love, aka, EVERYONE ELSE. God, my loved one's, you know. I was 'cheating' on my truest love sorta' speak. But still I had been too seduced by True love being this one soul mate and I was determined to be with my past life lover. Over time the truth came out about us and 'shit hit the fan'. It wasn't a fairytale after that, it was my living hell, as was it for everyone else I loved. All our worst fears got to come True because of my decision to choose separation over True love. The worse fighting our family has ever seen broke out and all of us were left with deep scars and resentments from what happened. I blamed my family for ruining what had been so beautiful to me but secretly was riddled with guilt for hurting them so badly. No matter how hard I tried to believe they were in the wrong, I felt monstrous. How could I ever create such a look in my own father's eyes? There had to be something wrong with what I did or how I did it. I couldn't hate him for loving me so much that he would worry about me to that extent. But I couldn't forget why I had been trying to do it! So who was to blame? I see now that no one was to blame, it was simply a mistake that had been made and created our own small versions of personal hell which is always what separation from True love will do. Fear or love, as simplistic as that sounds, this is the truth of the matter. Kirene came back into my life almost instantly after my break up with that man. I didn't trust Kirene at all, at this point and part of me really didn't even want to talk to him but I needed advice from him that I knew only he would know. My feelings about the past life lover had changed, I realized that he existed in another life and if we were really meant to be it would happen but I couldn't keep myself from love all my life just because I was waiting for something that may never happen. But Kirene's first response was an apology, for the hurt he might have caused me and that he understand if I didn't believe him. Over time we started talking as friends and reconnecting. He'd admitted to me that he had broke things off between us because he didn't think he was what I really needed. He knew how much I wanted to see him all the time to the point that I was in terrible depressions and then he had moved away. He also knew that I believed he was my past life lover and we were destined to be so he chose to make it seem as harsh as it could be so that I would let him go. He really hadn't been harsh to me in a rude manner but he did know me well enough to know all my soft spots so I could see it that way. I didn't necessarily believe what he was telling me but I decided that it could be possible. We talked for months on end and eventually it came to the point where we were interested in a relationship, again. He'd come down to visit, shown me something about himself he'd never shown me before and then proven himself by protecting Emily and I from danger when he could have so easily bailed on us. I was feeling something changing inside of me, it wasn't desire that was pulling me towards him, though I did have that same ache as always. No, the driving force was an almost faithful feeling. I remember after he protected Emily and I, I got this feeling of dejavu, almost and I knew that something monumental to my life had just happened. It was like for a moment I was sucked out of my fantasy world, soulmate mindset and I honestly thought, "Wow, he's a really good guy." I didn't feel idolizing of him or anything, I felt like I truly had seen him for who he was. He was a guy that cared about people, truly and honestly. I had this earnest feeling of faith in what had just happened and my higher power connection felt revitalized, somehow. So I did shift gears with him and become honestly interested in him because of what he had shown me. I became willing to give him a chance. By this point I was in eight grade and the following years after that were filled with many joys and discoveries between us. I still eventually felt that we had some sort of connection beyond this world, as in soul mates or spirit mates but I felt that no matter what we were it wouldn't matter if he was the mail boy from down the road, I would still truly love him like I did now. So we lasted for years and though I still had that fantasy mindset that only over the passed month has truly changed, I do see that I had begun to truly love him for who he was and not in that separated sort of way.
Relatives, friends[especially girls my age where the 'special relationship' is so strong in our culture] always would ask me, "How are you able to do it?" After finding out that I had been steadily in a relationship with him since 8th grade and now I was in 11th not to mention the fact that I'd really only had a one year break from him while with the other man before he came back into my life. Seven years of him being in my life isn't a number to scoff at for most girls my age and I knew my relatives found it hard to believe themselves. Many people were absolutely incredulous. But I remember that whenever asked this question I never felt I had this awe inspiring response because to me, it really had not been anymore difficult then if he had been physically with me the whole time. In fact, I remember that I had found it a blessing in disguise that we had so much time to truly grow in a different sort of way then physically. This way I could also focus on the other aspects of my life as in, school, family and other aspirations. Though there was times that I missed him being there, when I was being truly honest with myself, I didn't feel he was even separate from me. I couldn't feel the physical distance anymore. The fact that I loved him and he loved me in return was all I needed to feel for me to feel completely and utterly comforted and happy. I knew no matter what happened, I truly loved him and that was more then enough for me. I knew that what I was feeling was the special because it did not hurt anyone else and I was TRULY satisfied. Yes, I was truly satisfied with my love life in that manner though many girls my age were not and they had physical relationships with the guys. I remember they would always say to me, "Elizabeth, you are a strong girl. Elizabeth, you have much more will then I do." I would always feel sad for them because I knew that wasn't the case. It wasn't like I was weathering something out here, I was happy with it. I honestly was happy with my situation because I knew it was what was best and I knew that it really didn't effect us because we still loved each other. I knew these girls were looking for the same thing I had been looking for, for so long but there was no way to tell them that because even I didn't know how to put it into any sort of words that I could understand until now. So now I say this to everyone who had ever asked me how I did it or how I was so 'strong'? I wasn't strong, as in enduring something unwanted, I was happy and there is True strength in that. I was faithful in the relationship but most importantly I truly loved him for who he was and nothing more. I didn't make the relationship into something it wasn't. It's not a special relationship because of what type of relationship it is but simply because it is a relationship. Every relationship is a special relationship of God and we are all meant to love each other as brothers and sisters of God with a True friendship. So if he stopped being my lover then we have other things to learn in other ways but we still truly love each other no matter what type of relationship we have. Because true love isn't compartmentalized by the type of relationship you have with that person and you must understand that our relationship types are only there to help teach and learn things. A parent teaches a child something that only a parent would be able to, your best friend is the same age as you and wouldn't be able to do a parents job and a parent learns from a child by being fulfilled with their successes and their failures. It's all different stages and parts of life but no matter what relationship type we have, we all still love each other truly.
The only way to fill that void, emptiness, to truly let go of the pain and lovelessness. To remember what it's like to feel true fulfillment and to truly be happy. The only way to truly heal is by reconnecting to True love. God wants to heal us and the truth of the matter is we haven't been waiting on him to save us be he's been waiting for us to let him, because he will never infringe on our free will. So let's stop fighting against our very nature and putting faith in the fear but faith in Love, instead.
Elizabeth
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