I do want this!

I'm still at the point in time where I can slip back into my old mindsets and there have been trigger points. But, truthfully, I am feeling different. It's like I feel like a lot of us think of the words True Love and our higher powers and believe that they are some alien force guiding us to a place we don't even know how to comprehend, yet. And while I do believe we definitely don't totally comprehend what is going on, there is something so simple about it all when you truly feel connected to your higher power and feel True Love within your heart and soul. It's always felt like waking up from a strange hallucination in which I felt I had always been the alien to my own truest self. Because suddenly I remember why I do all of this, why all of this has so much meaning and why it all matters so much to us. Why I do love everyone for who they really are, why I have always felt that everything is going to turn out exactly as how it should and though I won't be able to predict it, I do know there is happiness waiting and true freedom from all these fears. Simple seems like such a small word but it's really not. Because this simplicity is from something so true that every other unneeded thought or feeling disappears and you see it all for exactly what it is. God, your higher power, whoever you want to call it is a glorious person but I don't see him as some distant and strange entity but my best friend who feels love and kindness even deeper then I do. Not just peace but love, joy! He really is a friend that cares. It's like dad said, if there is a conspiracy going on with us humans for our best benefit, then I am okay with that! And so am I! Knowing something before I am ready is not something I strive for. I want to be the truest form that I can possibly be. I want to truly love others and live my life with love and happiness.
The other night I was worrying about getting stuck again or not changing at all but mom helped me to feel better. She said to me, "I think some people try to change but they don't really want to but I know you truly want to change. And I have no doubt in my mind that you will be okay. The only time I worry is because I am your mother and hate seeing you in a difficult place." Something is truly changing for me and I can feel it. Sometimes it brings tears of joy to my eyes and other times I can only smile with all my heart. I know this though; I want more then anything to help others release their own pains and return to the love waiting for them.
I remember some nights from a few weeks before and that feeling of complete hopelessness and misery. I'd not let myself get to this place before. Not to this extent, I'm not sure if I'd ever truly felt this way in my entire life and people who loved me noticed this. I've always been someone who is 'strong' and doesn't let things get to my too bad. I had a motto, "Never give up." And I believed it fiercely. So getting to the point where I felt no hope or letting myself believe I truly was capable of failure so bad that I could lose everyone, lose my sanity, I would never believe that possible. Though I was terribly afraid of it. I remember feeling like I was always running from the inevitable. I wrote about it a lot in my journals and venting with other people. But I wouldn't let myself stay in this mindset for too long, I had to keep moving, keep moving. A world weariness was strong on my back at only the age of 17. Pain in the loved ones, the behavior of those around me, frightening pains inside my own heart....The list could go on for so long but fear is something I thought I could escape. A part of me always knew it was Death I was truly afraid of. It was the fact that no matter how far and long I ran, that was going to catch up with me. That no matter how much I pushed, I would be digging my own grave. I made so many inner vows to myself. I had to believe that I would not become the monster that I saw covering this world. I was running from Nothingness within my own soul. But I knew I'd have to face it and for so long I thought I had to conquer it. For so long I believed that I had to take control of the Nothingness, the darkness within my life. But through this experience, my confidence had been ripped to shreds. I failed repeatedly, every inner vow broken no matter what I did. Every time I was monster, every time I saw that the darkness still dwelled within me. I realized, I am not True. I am ever changing and no matter how hard I try, I CAN fail. There are times when I may give up in ways. There are times when I fail my friends. There are times when I break under the pressure. But trying to kill the darkness will only kill the light. Because light doesn't kill things, light doesn't change things. I needed to find love again. I had to accept that I couldn't do this on my own. Just like an alcoholics mind would be used against themselves, so would my own. I would 'drink' again. I would be convinced it's exactly what I needed to do. But through all of this, I see that no matter what we do, no matter what we do, we are not damned. God is there, waiting for us to see that it's not true to who we are and all we need to do is forgive ourselves, ask for forgiveness and move on, change. It's not an easy process usually but it will lead us back to our true selves and our true happiness. It's as they say, violence won't end from violence only love and if you do try to destroy violence with violence you will only be leaving the love within yourself. But nothing can change who we truly are. Nothing and I mean NOTHING can change that. True is true and that is the same with our higher powers. We are all truly loved for who we are not what we do or have done or even are thoughts.
But to ever truly leave this illusion we have to believe to see passed it.
We've gotta' believe there is something more then all of this.