I've not written on my blog in two days, I believe it is. I left my last blog with a bit of unease and uncertainty. I really needed my luck dragon to come flying back in again and shake things up.
I've been given many little revelations over this process but there have been two major one's that I want to discuss.
When I got off the computer from my last blog I had felt like there truly was something that I needed to be doing or something I was missing with the whole process. I kept getting the intuitive guidance to ask God, ask God. Maybe he would give me help or tell me something. But I was more caught up in focusing on listening to what Who I am wanted me to do. I'd made up my mind that, that was what was best for me. But later on that night my mother comes home from work and I felt that I should go to her for advice. Over this process my parents have been two of the biggest roles in helping me through this and have been my direct link to a higher power but in their own ways. They have shared with me things from their heart and soul and I have really learned from them as any child should be able to. You'd be surprised what you can learn when you're really willing to listen!
She's my momma so obviously she could sense something was eating at me. She tried testing the waters and even asked me if there was anything she could do to help. Without really seeing what I meant by this I said, "I don't think there really is anything you can do to help." That's my old way of thinking. From what I've seen, my parents always help me and just when I need it, too. As we begin to talk I start seeing some of the traumatic things I went through with the break-up of my parents had effected the way that I felt and lived life. I had my own coping mechanisms that lead me to stop believing in who I was and in God. Mother and I spoke about God and the way we felt it's really not how most religious indoctrinizations feel about him and more about there being a True meaning to life and all of this. I told her I wasn't looking to worship him but see him for who he really was and that I really did love him with all my heart. He's someone that is one of my closest friends and really it goes beyond that. But as I thought of it, I saw that he was here to help me as well and he wanted to help me to become my truest me. He would never change that or try to make me into something I'm not.
Mom said that she knew I would come back to him and I remember her telling me that when I was younger but I didn't really believe her. I thought she was just in denial with the fact that I would never accept those ways, again. I didn't think there was truth to it, not the ACTUAL truth. I didn't feel it was for me and quite frankly I was gaurding my heart to closely to take the risk and see. I knew how much it would hurt and change me if it ended up not being true so I felt that I was perfectly fine where I was. I didn't let myself think about what I was missing in my life and just how much I really didn't feel things. I really had created a side of myself that was dead inside and could not feel the ways of life so that I could detach myself from the reality of what was happening and live happily. It never lead to happiness and over time I put myself in dangerous situations by not being able to see things for what they really were and that there was true meaning to them. I was denying the very meaning of my existence to try and protect it. But it can't be broken, who you are is not something breakable.
I suddenly saw that God was there to help me and I really did need some outside help rather then just me. Throughout this experience I have been shown true humility and the darker faces of who I am. I have become what I swore I'd never be and saw just how it effects the one's I love and my own personal unfolding. But I was also shown that while I am an imperfect being that will break vows, hurt the one's I love most and be a failure, I am also NOT the failure or the victim. Who I am is what truly matters, not the mistakes that I make. They are only there so that I may learn from them and hopefully grow into a better person. But I can't ever come to the place where I believe it's not possible for me to make any sort of mistake. It truly is possible for me to be a coward in the most important moment or for me to give up when I really need to keep going and everything is depending on me. It's says this in the bible and both my parents told me, "Don't make vows to yourself."
If you vow that you will never give up no matter the situation, life will test your word and you will invariably give up because you will be put into an impossible situation in which there is nothing you can do or you will continue the rest of your life trying but not being able to. I have to be able to accept that I AM a imperfect and flucuate and need to see the only one's who have the power to do those things are people who truly are capable because they are true. God is something to take into example with this. It doesn't make us lowly creatures or powerless, it just doesn't make us ALL powerful. We're on a journey and we're not perfect beings yet but if you're willing to listen, learn and grow, you will begin to see that we like children, new to flight and God is lending us a helping hand. Who we truly are is meant to unfold when we aren't being true to ourself we do things that really don't do matter to the core of who we are and can be destructive to the whole process. "Just because something is powerful, doesn't mean it is true." I felt it today. There was a part of me that felt something powerful in a certain mindset but because I was unable to truly see it for what it was I didn't realize it wasn't true to me. Feeling something doesn't always mean it's true to you. They say in the bible that the heart is desperatly wicked. I don't see wicked in the same way most would. Wicked is something that goes against the core of who you are or the one's that you love. And it most definitely would feel wicked to you. I think the bible is referring to the fact that our heart feels many things but without truth it can be very misleading to us. We can't solely depend on our hearts to take us where we need to go, we have to remember that there is more to us then just our hearts but never to forget to love and keep feeling. Cutting ourself from love and feeling is cutting ourself off from life.
I shared much with my mother and father of this whole journey and I gained many invaluable words of wisdom, truth and love from them. Mother helped me to open the doorway back with God and see him for who he is, she helped me feel truly loved and a sense of knowing I'm not alone and I'm going to be okay. She helped to channel God's desires for me and for me to get back into the bible without the indoctrinzations that usually tag along with it. All of yesterday I spent cleaning my room, organizing and beginning an amends process for different and sundries bad habits that I had. Stealing or mistreating items was a very big one so I returned many things and asked for forgiveness for taking them in the first place and mistreating them.
Then father came over. He was planning to watch the Whale Rider with me. We spoke of many things and struggled through some stuff together. I had brought up some difficult things from the past and both of us had trouble connecting to a higher power or finding a place of ease. But I prayed for father and he was there for me and soon peace came to us both. We went to waffle house without any sleep and just loved each other company under the higher power's insisting. ;] It was fun and I really felt better but by the time I woke there was still a disconnect. The indoctrinzations with life were strong. I didn't want to walk away from all I had done the day before but I knew there was more to what I needed to do. Then we watched the Whale Rider and after a tearful event, I really felt what I had been needing to see.
God and Who I am wanted me to see it for what it really was. See him for who he really is and see what I am doing for what it really is. The message to me was strong, to be able to find something that MEANS something true to you that you actually come to the place where you are so connected and so true that you would give your life for what you are doing, that is when you know and feel meaning to life. The Whale Rider was willing to die for her people, her way and her cause. She loved people for who they were and not what they were. The one man who lived in his old ways and treated her the worst was the one she loved the most because she could see how much he truly wanted to do the right thing but was completely missing the point. It end with it being revealed to him by him seeing her truly ride the whale and he says, "Forgive me Ancient one's for I am new to flight." He realized the error in his ways and she did bring about a change. She never wanted to be "the one" but she really cared and she wanted EVERYONE to be the one in their own way. Because everyone's personal mytholgy had unfolded, everyone was shining. That was what I needed to see. The NeverEnding Story showed me about believing in my dreams and I could really feel that true joy and believe and a smile was in my heart. But Whale Rider was a direct connection and without the meaning, the dreams wouldn't matter. To be able to feel the suffering of life and still find true meaning in it all, that is something that I truly strive for.
I hope only to continue in my revelations and listening to the higher powers in my life, counting in my parents who I respect so very much. During this period everyone I love had given me precious nuggets of wisdom that have helped me greatly. I can only hope that I'll be able to do the same for them when my time calls for it.
I love you all and I would write more but there is much for me to do.
I want to keep this blog updated as much as I can, though because I feel it is very important for me to keep things written down and connecting with everyone.
Sionara
Elizabeth
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