The outsider.
But through all of this, it has dawned upon me, everyone is riddled with fears, doubts and insecurities similar to me. They feel ashamed, they can't fit in, the feel too much pain, the are alone, they don't know what to do, we're all so scared...so lost. I remember when I felt that pain in my heart before, when I felt I'd been wronged by the world. When I felt I had been utterly betrayed by God, by love, by life. I didn't trust it for as far as I could spit. I didn't trust myself, for that matter. Who could I trust? So much pain, so much horror. I couldn't believe my eyes, I absolutely couldn't stand someone who would allow this to happen to me, to the one's I loved or to others. "How could he?!" And once I stopped believing it was even him[consciously]. I started people as monster and I saw myself as the biggest monster. I had to lie to myself that I was somehow different, I had to believe that if I made a vow to myself I could keep it. I couldn't become a part of this world. I loved it with all my heart and yet it was what gave me the most pain and scared me the most.
I remember all that anger...desperation. I felt it first when I was younger. One morning, crying my eyes out. First time it had been so bad but things shifted in me and I couldn't stand the feeling, wondering somehow if it was my fault. Surely I couldn't feel something like that if it wasn't truly terrible. I remember having the feeling of, "It doesn't have to be this way!" That is always what made it so bad, is that I truly couldn't stand this being the reality of the situation. No. There WAS light. I wouldn't allow myself to see it for what it was because I didn't want to accept the darkness or pain.
I always felt that this sadness, the sadness that I used to call the Well of Sadness, a never-ending pain that felt as if it had stretched on for lifetimes and lifetimes of pains, so deep, it is in so many of us.
I don't think I ever wanted to think anyone else could have pain so deep like my own. It hurt me so bad I felt I could become this huge giant and consume all the world in flames from the pain it had caused me. Surely there was something wrong with me, surely I had been betrayed. Little did I know, so many people feel this way every day.
Love never fails you. No, I honestly believe that and my heart reaches out to everyone else because I can't stand to think that someone else has or is going through the pain I went through or suffers with those thoughts about themselves. Now, I want to embrace the entire world, pull us all tight together and wash away the sorrows of our hearts. I wish more the anything to kiss those pains away and show people that they aren't what they have done, will do or can ever do because who they truly are is everything they can ever imagine and more. Our doubts about ourselves are lies, none of it is true. All my beautiful, beautiful brothers and sisters, I want you to know just how miraculous you are to me and just how much I can't even begin to explain how I love you.
Here's the big secret: We all feel that we're the odd one out, that even if we come across as normal there is something that just makes us off. That everyone else has the answer to life or it seems they can live better then we can, that we missed that lesson in life. That if anyone truly saw us for who we are they would recoil in horror or find us alien to them but the truth us they would be absolutely dazzled by the Light. Because that's who you truly are, something so beautiful even you or I can't comprehend it yet. Being true to yourself may seem scary but don't trust it is, that is the most beautiful you will ever be is when you are true to yourself.
I am half awake but it's something that I really wanted to say because it was in my heart. Until next time!
<3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwtcwQwgdsA&feature=related
Eli
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