Too good to be True?

I think we would all be surprised how hard it can be to believe that it's even possible for us to be loved beyond belief. The hurt and the resentment that piles up over the time begin to tell us otherwise. Over the years we feel we are given no reason to believe that there is something bigger out there looking out for us, helping us, even. How many of us put the blame on something else? How many of us don't take the time to look at the one's who love us in our lives or what we really do have? I remember thinking, I wish there really was someone who truly cared about my struggles about every moment that I slipped up or I turned away from who I was or made bad decisions and that no matter how pathetic I felt, looked or acted that they could see the true in me. I wanted more then anything to be true, I still do. To be "a light in the darkness when no one else can see the hope" because I know how it feels and I know it's not True. There is always hope. But I know there will be times when we can't feel it or see it or really even believe it's there, yet that doesn't kill or make it unattainable for us. The Hope is still there, the love and the truth. It's all waiting for us when we reach the other side of our darkness. Some people wonder if there truly was someone out there that really loves us, or maybe even someone's, why would they let this happen to us? Why would they let us go through such pain? I can't say I like the darkness, I can't say I like feeling despair but I can say that I've grown so much from the struggles I've gone through. Even now, I'm struggling with old wounds all the way back from when I was in 6th grade but I am beginning to see that this, too, is a part of life. That's still not what we focus on, we use that struggle to help us become stronger, we fight against succumbing to the doubts in our minds, "I'll never truly be loved. Who would love someone like me?" For a lot of us, there is a laundry list of why we shouldn't be loved. For the mistakes we made, for the pains we've caused on other or even the way we simply are. I know, trust me, I know. Especially going through this experience and truly seeing some of the things that I did to the one's I loved or all the inner vows I made to myself that I broke, I have trouble seeing just what it is that is lovable about me.
Last night I faced a dark subject and one that literally rubbed my heart raw but it was something I knew I'd only be able to face when I was stronger. It undoubtly brought up a lot of emotions and I was quite effected by it. I don't think I've been to a place like that in many years. So many of my walls that I had used to fall back on were being taken down and I had to face many of the coping mechanisms that hurt others. I felt pathetic, I felt weak, I felt disgusting. I thought to myself, "How could someone love someone who doesn't even feel love for themself? How could someone love me? I really want God to love me." And then I felt a presence that I had run to before in my time of desperation, a presence that never truly loved me. Instead of listening to it, I reminded myself that I WAS loved, no matter the mistakes I made or the terrible things I did. No, it's not something that God or anyone else likes and it does hurt people but they understand it's not who I truly am and it's a part of growing up which we do all our lives.
I looked into the mirror and I heard a familiar, hateful voice say from behind me, "Stupid, ugly girl." I remembered this feeling all to well. Usually, I didn't feel I had the right to disagree? Someone pathetically bawling their eyes out and feeling sorry for themselves, someone who wasn't even comfortable in the skin they were in. Wasn't I a stupid, ugly girl? I shouldn't have made all the mistakes I made or let myself get to this point, I shouldn't have done this or done that. I felt ugly from the inside out when I was like this. I never thought that true beauty didn't have to be pretty. That those flaws is what made a person even more beautiful. But something had changed within me, even if just a minuscule bit; to this voice, instead of succumbing to how it made me feel and how much I felt I believed it I saw something else in the mirror.   
I saw a strong, young woman. I saw a woman who loved people with all her heart and soul. I saw a truly beautiful woman who was loved by God, the Infinite One, Who I am, my Family, my Friends, the Angels. I AM truly loved and for good reason. I believed it with all my heart and soul in that moment and instead of giving in I said in the mirror, "Don't you ever say that about me again, I am NOT a stupid, ugly girl." Then I smiled, I truly smiled from the bottom of my heart. I hadn't seen my true smile in so long just by me believing in myself. Something had begun to change in my heart.
Needless to say there was more things that progressed during the night and I am still feeling a bit shaken by it all but it's okay. It really is okay that I am going through changes and tough times but I am trying my hardest and I am believing in God, my mama and that hard work can do wonders for a person.
So when I ask myself, "Is this too good to be True?" Instead I should look at what is making me feel I can't have these things in my life. Is there something I need to face? Am I looking at life through old wine skins? Why couldn't be True? If it's truly a good thing for who I am, and the one's I love, it's something worth trying for!

Elizabeth