Today, I feel I could've done better and I also could've done worse. Maybe that's not always the best way to see things? I have to remember that I'm not going to be perfect with this but there really did feel like there was something I was missing. A part of me feels I should just continue to strive for what I feel I need to do by trying to truly listen to who I am and the goals I have. But I feel there is still something lacking in a way that I need to continue on.
Last night it stormed and it stormed heavily at that. I want to say that's why I had trouble sleeping again but parts of me feel there was something else to it. During my dreams I felt I could truly feel what it was that I needed to do to be true to who I am, if not, I was never going to see things for what they are. Perspectives seem to be a very important thing with me but that's what I have to wonder...Does the perspective really matter? Even if I don't have all the knowledge can't I still do what I need to do if I listen and try my hardest? But in the dream I heard the reoccurring quote, "Being true is being true, don't change it into something it's not." I've felt it before, too and I know that it's true. When you're true to something, you're really true to it. I know I have to put out the effort to be true to it since I'm not unfailingly true but I also know that other parts of me can make me slowly drift away from the path that I want to go down. True is true, I'll know it when I do it. And a part of me felt I was really seeing things for what they were when I was waking up this morning. I could truly feel and see things again but I fell into a panic and it quickly settled back into the person that most people have known me as the passed few years. I know that what I am is not true and doesn't see things for what they are but whenever I am true to who I am, I get this moment of clarity and I can do what I need to do. Somehow, though, there is conflict between whether I am really being true to who I am by fighting to do what I want in life and to be what I want to be in life. Do I have to remember that I'm not true and that things just AREN'T going to feel right until I really am or if I ever get to a place like that? The best I can do is keep trying, right? Even if I'm in the wrong...
But then another part of me says this is not being true and this is not listening, if I really want change I'm going to be working towards really being true and seeing what it was that I was shown. I can see that but I'm not really sure how to see that or what to do once I do and I really don't want to drop what I've been doing to change it. Either way, I feel I should keep trying my best to be true to who I am and I usually do feel there is something to it when I try and I believe in what I'm doing. It's just that I also know I don't totally understand what's going on and I need to be willing to listen. I know it will come to me again but whenever I listen my determination falters and I become unsure of everything and what I need to do when I slip back into this mindset.
I don't like being in this mindset, honestly. After everything I've experienced I know there is so much more to feel and see but something about this makes it to where I can interact better, here, or at least it seems that way. But it might really be the blindest one of them all, I'm not sure. I know that's it's really not how I want to feel or see things but when I am trying things do begin to change, I just have to keep trying. I don't know if this is really what who I am would want or if I need to try to be in a different mindset for all of this. These times are a bit scary, almost. Not knowing what to do or where to turn. I try to listen but sometimes I've seen the best thing I can do is get back onto my feet. It's just that I know this is very important. This is my life. This has to do with how I will interact with the one's I love and how I will make a difference or change things for the better or worse. Every moment counts and I just don't want to take it lightly. I do still laugh and know there will be time for joy but after so long of really not seeing the importance of things I don't want to give into that. I guess some people might think I'm going overboard but I have to honestly ask them if they wouldn't do the same if they felt that everything that meant anything was on the line for them? I know it's not like it will vanish but you have to start somewhere and the world doesn't wait forever before chaos storms and whatever else starts to step in. I feel it's a good thing that I see my life with an urgent feeling of care and as long as I don't let it make me doing anything dangerous or drastic, it's showing me that I do care about who I am. I'm the happiest and the most fulfilled in the moments when I feel in tuned with who I am or I am doing what I feel I need to do. Life itself is changed and I realize just how pointless most of this was before. Yes, everything has a purpose in this world but I don't want my purpose to be another drone in the crowd. There's gotta' be more to this life then that and I've gotta' remember not to give up. I feel like it's needed more then anything here and everywhere else. The unfolding of someone's true self is so needed I can't even begin to express in words the feeling I get deep within when I think of it. Even if I don't completely understand it for what it is, yet. I know it's something I want, truly want.
I want to really connect with people but when I'm in this mindset, if I'm not being true to who I am, I'm exactly the same as I was before. Which is worse then anything. I can't stand being that way because now I can see the things I said so easily which really aren't true to me at all in ways that I can't stand.
It's not going to be easy. It's real and it's true. Things like this are never easy and I need to not let that discourage me. I just have to remember that there has to be some kind of driving force behind this and if I don't try then who will? But I've learned that even in the moment of my worse despair and I felt utterly lost, I was pulled back out of it again. There was always a friend or thought that would bring me back again. I'm not alone in this but I know this is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done. Who knows what the future holds and if steering is really the best idea for me when I'm not sure where it'll take me.
I came on here to write another blog because I knew I really needed to. I'm feeling uneasy and uncertain and I knew that some days this is ALL I would feel so it's me sharing with you what is really going on a lot. But it's not that I wanted to hide it but I didn't want this to be about me not knowing what to do. I'm choosing this. Well, I'm really trying to be true to who I am. I'll repeat things sometimes almost like a mantra but it's mainly because that's the basis of what's going on with me. I'm getting off topic, though. My brain is so scattered right now. I wanted to log in but I realized that I'd forgotten my email username. I was certain that it was ,"lifeismorethenrorshachtests" which is the url for my blog but everything I did to make that work just wouldn't. I laid back on my bed feeling more frustrated then I had all day and really feeling a bit of guilt. I needed to be able to keep this blog going and that email I made just yesterday as well for similar reasons yet I couldn't even remember the username to it. It just felt like an overall bad omen and so I felt completely sure that this was a sign or something that I wasn't doing what I needed to do.
Instead of settling with that, I thought about it. I really thought about it and I remembered that I had picked the name carefully so it would really mean something to me. I began thinking about change and remember it had to do with change. It is was I am striving for, afterall. Then the more I thought about it I remembered the name; "The Tests of Change."
It felt more fitting then it should have in that moment. I really did feel like I was being tested. Testing my resilience and seeing if I really would remember what was supposed to mean something to me. To me if felt like a simple reminder; all of this is going to be very testing.
It's like my father told me, you have to be able to get to the place where you don't just say, "Yes, I want this." but, "HELL YES, I want this!" Maybe that was what I needed to see all along, no matter what happens, I can't forget that I'm being tested here. Can I actually stay true to who I am? That's the question that is being asked. I've got try my damned hardest if I plan to make any kind of difference.
I'm finding myself getting tired and I know there are still other things I need to do before the day is over so I'm going to sign off here. I really appreciate everyone in my life right now and I hope to have more inspiring posts as the days go along but it just doesn't feel right to pretend anything about what is going on, right now. I am ready for something new. Something new that will truly be true to who I am. One thing is for sure, things are different for me now, no matter what happens in the future. I can say that some sort of truth has been revealed to me about myself and who I want to be. I love you all deeply. Those of you reading that know me and know what all of this means to me I hope I can always be someone that you say you believe in. :]
Elizabeth
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