"I can't promise that I will be steady throughout, though. I am really changing things for myself or atleast trying to."The past few weeks have been very different for me. I feel that big part of me has been wanting this all of my life and I've been asking for it in different sorts of ways all of my life but I really never saw what it was that I needed to do. Maybe I just wasn't being true to myself as much as I wanted to be. As I reflect I can still see the moments of truth and true that entered my life; I can see the strife and striving that was part of me. But as I feel the sea's of change break over my skin like crashing waves I know beyond a shadow of doubt that things will be different. Because now at least a small part of me can know and remember, "never stop trying and luck will find you."
I'm not alone in this journey
Throughout this entire month, I have been shown in ways that I could've never imagined before that I'm truly not alone. There are people who love me for who I am inside and out, flaws and mistruths. They truly see me for who I am and not all the stupid things that I have done or will do. They see love in my heart, the shine in my eyes when I believe, the truth of my soul and the strength of my spirit. Somehow, no matter how cluttered I become these people in my life never doubted me. But I guess that's what being true is all about...I want to be this person for the one's that I love, a true support. Someone that they know they can depend on and even if I do fall down, even if I do hurt they will know that I'll truly be there when their heart is calling out for someone just like mine has done. I see him, the man that for so long I didn't want to accept. I'm really not a religious person and I don't see God the same way that most people do. But I do love him, I truly love him. He's always been a friend of mine in my heart and he always comes to you when you need him the most. I love him for who is, someone who truly cares for people. Even the day I turned my back on him, he was there. Because he said to me, "In this life, you will never be alone. Elizabeth, you weren't meant to be alone." But I see it for what it is. There will always be someone there for me when I need it but I can never stop believing in who I am for the moments when I've got to be the one to get back up on my feet. And if I'm not alone then I know they are not alone as well, who I am is someone who is always there for them, as well.
Life is interactive
I know that there are many things that I believe in and I want to be but when I do not strive for them on a daily basis, they become old. My dad told me about how we have to renew things in our life to keep them alive because just like you have to keep feeding your body food everyday, you must continue to feed who you are as a person. You have to interact with what you want. If you want to travel, you can't just believe it will happen but actually strive to make it possible. I really want change in my life. As a person, how I see things, what I do but most importantly what I am doing. I do believe there is a time for self reflection and just sitting down and enjoying or feeling certain things. It's like Doctor Mckeever told me, sometimes you do need to embrace those dark feelings or negative emotions and not suppress them but you can't let that change you as a person. Remember what you believe and what you want in life. I know that I'm going to fall down and I know that I'm probably not going to know what the hell that I need to do sometimes but the best thing I can do in those moments is to get back up and keep trying. Even if I'm messing up, I am still living life. It's better to be willing to make mistakes then to not live at all. I don't want to make a bunch of mistakes or not listen to who I truly am but at the same time I don't want to stop living all together. I do want to change and I'm going to strive for that but I really do have to remind myself that sometimes I'm just not going to do what I need to do.
I love the journey. As scary and miserable it can be sometimes, it's something beautiful. I hope that I can continue to see life this way,
no matter what I've been shown I feel that there truly is something to growing up as an individual. The best part is when you're given that little sign from life that it's listening to you and that it see's you. It's like the unfolding of who you are is making a difference somehow. There more to all of this, though. I feel that deep down. No matter what I do I need to remember that this isn't true to me but true to who I am because my true is being true to who I am.
I've got to write things down as I feel them
This blog is going to be place where I can help myself grow, learn, listen. No matter what it is, I want a place where I can see and feel the changes I will be going through. Wish me luck, world!
I still have A LOT to do and I know it. I'm excited.
I can see the possibilities opening up for my dreams and my life but I know it won't happen unless I truly interact with my life and make dreams reality. Because I am a strong believer in, "Dreams do come True." I feel like that they need our belief and our love but they will always come true if we strive for them.
A big help to me lately, The NeverEnding Story. It meant a lot to me when I watched it a few months ago but it's been a life saver to me this last few days. I have to remember it, remember the feeling in my heart and what it means to me. Because believing in your dreams is something this world needs. No matter, it's not going to happen unless someone is willing to fight for it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJx3qhhD9dY&feature=related
This is Kerli's Stay Golden. Skip to 0:54 in the video if you want to just listen to the song with the subtitles. It really speaks to me right now because I am telling myself this like a mantra, lately. When I'm at the depths of not knowing what to do and not believing in myself I tell myself that I've gotta' see these moments are only gonna' make me stronger and to stay golden to who I am truly. Kerli has meant a lot to me throughout my life. No matter what stage I am at she has been someone to truly help me when I need it most. I really feel like she is someone who lives her life truly and with all her heart. I have looked up to her as a person for quite some time and gotten much inspiration from her. I truly do love this person, straight from the heart. And I send her silent thanks for the help that she has given me when I needed it most.
Thank-you, Kerli.
~Elizabeth
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