(This is review jumps from place to place, I may add more to it as more important things come up to me)
The 11th grade ended.
I had an extremely spiritual experience that completely transformed me. It started with the exploration of inner council and bdsm.
Once I was regrounded, I had found a new relationship with God, my higher power, and I had also discovered that I was a Child of God. Because of this I claimed myself as a Christian, once again. I went to churches and I made new friends in relations to it. I had beautiful experiences during praise and worship and retreats. I made new friends through other experiences, such as Laurie and my dad. Then she introduced me to a new spiritual teacher who could also hear voices and I began going to her class on the ascended masters teachings.
I worked at the American Village as a junior interpreter. I made new friends there and had an amazing experience. Noel and Billy loved me and I think they wanted me to work there. They said I had real talent.
I grew farther away from old friends such as Kaitlyn, Carla and even Emily. Emily and I are still friends but we are much farther apart then we have been in years and soon she will be moving to Cali with her boyfriend Carlos. It was for the best that we got some distant so it won’t hurt as bad once we are separate.
I ended my romantic relationship with Kirene because of the fact that there was danger, no communication and we live in two different worlds. I felt that at least for now it was best if we went two separate paths. I still consider myself his friend and I really haven’t stopped being in love with him but slowly and surely I am working to let him go so that he and I can be free within our hearts. He is also someone that I see as very sacred to my life, my path and my heart. I believe I will always hold him this dear to me and do not plan to change that for anything or anyone.
I’ve read many books and teachings such as the Return to Love. I have found much joy and courage in the movie series The Neverending Story and I’ve also found an inspiring band called Stratovarius.
I grew closer to Skye again and I also recently became friend with Taylor. Because of Pat’s class I began going to Unity, a church in Birmingham and there is a new minister there that I really love named Mark.
My cat Socks passed away and I adopted a kitty during the bad tornadoes that I named Kiara and my brother named Boots. So she is named KB. Then later on I adopted the cat which I named Sarah and Sam calls Lynx. Sometimes I will call her Evie.
Libby also passed away and so we adopted her bird Mimi and took a lot of her stuff as well as the Woodly Road house stuff.
I began to learn Korean and I rekindled my relationship with my mom and dad more then I have in years. I have done much personal work on myself and I actually enjoy doing chores now. I work to live a healthy life and to love myself while following my own path and truth and respecting others paths and truths.
I turned 18 this year and I am a senior. I am much more emotional now and at times I feel years younger. I am working on heart healing and I believe I have let go a lot of the anger that I used to have buried deep in my heart. I am still cleansing.
This entire year was effected by the spiritual even that happened in February. After that, I wasn’t the same and life wasn’t the same. I struggled through many hard truths but also was shown so much beauty that I had not even known.
I found inner peace, I found happiness and I found love. I discovered that my truth was love. The core of it was love. And I believed that my shadow self was the parts of me that I wouldn’t accept. I believed that the ego was a fear based idea of myself which sprouted from the idea of separation and the unhealthy energy was blocked energy but I don’t believe in evil or good, heaven or hell, or any other form of duality as being true. I know that it is real, just as time is real but I also believe that at the root, time is merely an illusion that is a tool to teach.
This year has been a year of enlightenment, work, healing and divine love. Fears I thought I’d never get passed were dismantled in moments and I was revealed my own truth which seemed so ever elusive to me. I have fallen away from my own path and truth many times during the year but I do have a destination in mind which is what is important.
I also have decided that freedom is the best path towards my own truth and self. To find inner freedom I must be willing to surrender which is something I actually did learn and do for the first time in years this year.
I went through a lot of anguish and faced some things I thought I would never have to face. I definitely had many moments where I felt totally powerless and that there was nothing that I could do. I found out that sometimes it’s good to get to the place so that one can release and just let go, for once.
This is year has been the year that my dreams came true. The Princess woke back up, I went through the butterfly transformation and am still currently going through it.
I became a believer. And now when I ask myself of what, I think, “Of anything. Anything beside the nothingness that was in my heart.” I believe and I do believe in Love but even in the moments that I feel that I fear I am believing in something and I now am aware of that. There isn’t that empty void within my heart anymore. I am learning to coexist as I have always wanted to with all aspects of myself and I have gained much confidence from this.
I also saw my own strength in a new light. I was thrown into the worst place I’d ever been and I really feared there was no hope at times for me but this beautiful flame in my heart, my little light, was unable to be ‘put out’. I understand now, that it never will be, because that IS me at the core and depths of who I am. I’m the little light shining.
I danced much more this year and learned some belly dancing, I also began to do yoga and meditations frequently. My future for the next year is still not set in stone but I have also learned to live in the moment and that if you truly are following your heart and your own truth this is all you need to guide you forward. So, for now, that is what I am doing and have been doing most of the year. I created more artwork this year and was given a ton of new stuff. I decided that I would not call myself, “We” anymore and that having an inner council made me feel too much like a bunch of separate beings in one body. I feel more or less after listening to the voices that really the different aspects of a person is not much different then the different aspects of two different people who create a whole of the human race, a whole of the universe. Because I also have begun to believe in Unity. That we are truly One, like waves on the ocean. We each have our own twist of uniqueness but our spirit comes from the same place.
This year I learned how privacy was not as nearly important as I thought it had been before considering this was only something even known about on my world and the way my world lived.
I have had more fun this years, as well. I have let go of a lot of my pushing away from of my childish side. I had an amazingly childish birthday party with my friends and family and I also have gone on adventures with family. I have played with my dolls and I have been childishly creative.
I met my uncle Ed on a trip up to Florida for the first time in many, many years and it was a great visit.
I became a vegetarian and also I stopped smoking! I at the beginning of the year cold turkey and never started again. I definitely know God helped me through it. I have been working to live a healthier life in all aspects of the word that applies to me and my spirit.
Two friends from New York, John and Amanda, roomed with us for a while and then moved to Birmingham. We gave them my bed so now I am sleeping in my rooms with her and that has made us even closer. John and Amanda have been great friends to have but plan to move back to New York as soon as they can. And right before the year ended I got my first job working at Subway with my brother and some friends. I am still planning to get my license, so maybe I will succeed before the year ends! And if not then that is what will be on my New Years Resolution.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Dreams
My dreams have been a big help to me lately! Tonight's dreams helped me face some thing's honestly of which I haven't been truly honest with myself about, lately. I would say it here but it's of a more personal matter that may not be appropriate to publish onto the internet. But also within the dream I was shown my own confidence. There was this kid who was a guy and for some reason I was relating to this character as myself but I was just watching him. He'd been bullied before but he was a very kind-hearted guy. Yet, at some point he comes into a lot of money and his whole personality changes. When he steps out of his suuped up new car he is Tom Cruise...LMAO! And then he is himself again walking to this school feeling really awesome. While he is in the cafeteria this girl who was his friend tries to say something to him but he says, "I don't want you to talk to me. You're a female and a female would only talk to me because she's interested in me. I'm not interested in you." Then his best friend beside him says, "Don't talk to her like that!" So he looks at his friend and says, "You're no longer my friend now." And his friend says, "I don't want to be with this new personality you've gotten." You can tell this upsets him and the girl he'd just insulted says, "You can't ever be the person you're trying to be." So his response is, "I just wanted to be cool for one day so I wouldn't be bullied." And then she shook her head, "You can't be anything but yourself." That's when I suddenly had a body as myself and I drew with sharpie on the cafeteria thing "I'm not perfect either, I've also not been myself at times but -something something something- We're forgiven." And he ends up reading it. So then he stands next to me and the next thing you know someone is insulting him. I almost get mad but then I tell him, "Don't listen to what they have to say. You know the beautiful person you are inside. Believe in who you really are and love yourself then those words will be meaningless to you." This is also something I needed to hear. I know who I am and even if other people don't like certain things about me I can't change the person that I am and I don't want to. I will respect other people and who they are but I won't disrespect myself in the process. I am who I am and I believe in that person.
Elizabeth
Elizabeth
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
New Years Ultimatum
New Years Ultimatum - Get my license by at least February
Everything that I'd like to do revolves around me needing to get my own license. This way I can get a job and many other things. So that means I need to drive, drive, drive.
I'd also like to focus on my school work a little more and get that over and done with.
I can hardly believe it's almost been a year now since all the stuff in my life changed.
I'm working to heal my heart, right now. Today, I actually know that if anyone else besides the animals had been around they would have been for sure that I had totally lost it. It was shortly after my last blog post. I found myself looking at my bird thinking, "She chose to be her. This spirit in this bird was curious enough about life to come here." Usually I felt bad for her because she was in a cage and I was sure she probably didn't like life too much but suddenly I saw that she'd come here with high hopes and joy and curiosity. The spirit certainly doesn't feel victim/victimization. I began looking around and seeing all the plants in the house and how I just knew they all wanted to be here and it made me bubble up with joy to the point that I was laughing hysterically in a way I never had before. This lasted for quite a while.
I started watching my show Roswell again and pretty much this episode showed how the main character's Liz and Max where really done. I could so relate to the pain both of them were feeling. They wanted so badly to be together but knew they couldn't so they remained in a state of limbo because they still were holding onto some thread of hope that it could change. Yet the truth was that the very love they had cherished was now suffocating them with pain. So at some point they both realize they really do need to let go of one another so that they can have happiness again. But it turns out there are people waiting there for both of them who love them very much and so they are not alone. This is what Liz says in her journal;
"We try to live responsible, logical lives but we can't tell our hearts what to feel. Sometimes our hearts lead us to places we thought we never wanted to go. And sometimes our hearts can be the sweetest, gentlest things we have. Sometimes our hearts can make us feel miserable, angry, excited and confused - all at once. But at least my heart is open and I'm writing again. I'm feeling, I'm breathing."
I have heart healing from these episodes and it also helps me to face the fact that there is a part of me that grieves him. I grieve him and I grieve all the friendships that I'd had for years which now have disappeared completely, almost. I know this is for the best, right now, but it is also scary and sad.
I lived quite a few years in a state of pure joy with those beautiful people so why would I want to let them go? But it's true that people are constantly changing, I also know this from my own experience. I am constantly changing.
Mom came home and she seemed so down and I guess I just got down, too. It's not her fault, I know. And then she said how I should've done the dishes and I thought how stupid it was for me to spend so many hours laughing and cutting up. I want to be happy but I know I need to stay grounded here and do what needs to be done. It's also hard to live with someone else and I really need a break. I need space to myself. I need my own room again. I think that would help A LOT.
Heart healing is what has been on my mind lately-
Elizabeth
The Body~
Last night I was feeling a lit bit upset. I found myself thinking about when I used to want to just grab into my chest and pull out the pain. It felt like it was some sort of sickness that needed to be ripped out.
But all of the sudden in my minds eye I see my hand reach up into my chest and then I see my beating heart. There was nothing on my heart, it was just doing what it was supposed to be doing. It was pumping blood and nothing was wrong with it. So farther up my hand traveled until it dipped into these dark cavern that led to my throat. Again, nothing was wrong with my throat. I could speak normally and I could breathe normally. So farther up my hand went till it reached my brain. It was just a brain that was doing what it was supposed to do. It sent signals and there was nothing wrong with. It made me begin to realize that I needed to see there was nothing working against me. My organs were doing exactly what they were supposed to do, I was somehow deluding myself. Now one thing was interesting that I saw weird green energies on my brain - like I was some kind of alien or something. But I knew what my body was telling me, I needed a perspective change. It did help me go to sleep.
I thought on it some more and it made me think of a symbiotic relationship. It was as though my body were showing me that my emotional whims do not effect the organs of my body that way. If I'm sad my heart isn't just going to stop working and be sad with me because it's have an 'off' day. That's not it's purpose. Also, I do not control my heart. I do give it things such as vitamins to help it but it is like it's on organism living in the same 'house'. But truly all the organs work this way, they do work with me but they are their own living organism. It makes me get a new perspective on treating my body like a temple. This beautiful creation of a body was freely given to me and I get no feeling that my body does not want me to have control but it does want me to see things clearly. I am the one having these emotion, the body is what is keeping blood pumping and neurons working. So then one must ask is the emotions just something of the brain along with consciousness or is there also such a thing as an emotional body? Some people call the emotional body the soul. I believe if one see's the emotional body like a normal body and realizes that it too, functions as a body would. Each part of the emotional body [some people see as chakra's] works to do what it was meant to do. While one is to keep the physical body healthy it is also good to keep the emotional body healthy. So if this is true then we are not living as one body but as at least two. I am someone who believes that beyond the emotional body is the spirit life. In understanding one's physical body, one can begin to understand their emotional body. It too, like the physical heart will do what it is supposed to do. The emotions do not have anything 'against' us or are out to get us. The emotional body also is not laying down on the job, there is no such thing but simply responding to what it is supposed to do. The emotional body seems to be much more highly connected to the mental body which is where consciousness resides. In understanding the functions of the emotional body, one can more easily understand the function of the mental body or of consciousness and that consciousness is the conduit for spirit to channel itself into the reality plane of existence. That consciousness is never doing wrong or is down on the job, it only doing what it is supposed to do. So to live a healthier life one should also know thyself to love thyself and to thine own self be true. I believe fear roots from misunderstanding for it was only in my delusion that I felt discomfort. This way of perceiving is so beautiful and comforting that I can't put it into words. Everything is flowing wonderfully. With understanding come grace. So really the fear is just misunderstanding and it's all part of growing. Can be a little bit painful to be born but eventually you'll make it if you keep pushing. Ah! It reminds me of the metamorphosis of the butterfly. How beautiful.
I thought on it some more and it made me think of a symbiotic relationship. It was as though my body were showing me that my emotional whims do not effect the organs of my body that way. If I'm sad my heart isn't just going to stop working and be sad with me because it's have an 'off' day. That's not it's purpose. Also, I do not control my heart. I do give it things such as vitamins to help it but it is like it's on organism living in the same 'house'. But truly all the organs work this way, they do work with me but they are their own living organism. It makes me get a new perspective on treating my body like a temple. This beautiful creation of a body was freely given to me and I get no feeling that my body does not want me to have control but it does want me to see things clearly. I am the one having these emotion, the body is what is keeping blood pumping and neurons working. So then one must ask is the emotions just something of the brain along with consciousness or is there also such a thing as an emotional body? Some people call the emotional body the soul. I believe if one see's the emotional body like a normal body and realizes that it too, functions as a body would. Each part of the emotional body [some people see as chakra's] works to do what it was meant to do. While one is to keep the physical body healthy it is also good to keep the emotional body healthy. So if this is true then we are not living as one body but as at least two. I am someone who believes that beyond the emotional body is the spirit life. In understanding one's physical body, one can begin to understand their emotional body. It too, like the physical heart will do what it is supposed to do. The emotions do not have anything 'against' us or are out to get us. The emotional body also is not laying down on the job, there is no such thing but simply responding to what it is supposed to do. The emotional body seems to be much more highly connected to the mental body which is where consciousness resides. In understanding the functions of the emotional body, one can more easily understand the function of the mental body or of consciousness and that consciousness is the conduit for spirit to channel itself into the reality plane of existence. That consciousness is never doing wrong or is down on the job, it only doing what it is supposed to do. So to live a healthier life one should also know thyself to love thyself and to thine own self be true. I believe fear roots from misunderstanding for it was only in my delusion that I felt discomfort. This way of perceiving is so beautiful and comforting that I can't put it into words. Everything is flowing wonderfully. With understanding come grace. So really the fear is just misunderstanding and it's all part of growing. Can be a little bit painful to be born but eventually you'll make it if you keep pushing. Ah! It reminds me of the metamorphosis of the butterfly. How beautiful.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Timelines
I guess it's a Holiday thing that makes you reflect. Some of is nostalgic and some of it is just simple reminiscing.
"Time can take it's toll on you when you least expect it. It's okay to take it slow."
"Don't forget to smell the roses. Enjoy every part of your life."
Well, I know my old life really is washing away and I can't help but feel a little nostalgic. Old habits, old friends, old beliefs - it's all changing in a way it never has before.
Sometimes it feels like time moves to fast. How can it be that I've only been alive 18 years? And yet it also feels like I've only been here for a flash. Time has to be an illusion because it's moments like this that I can't even comprehend it.
I guess it has taken its toll on me when it comes to the way relationships shift.
She's moving somewhere new. I'm still here. She's changed, too. We still love one another, that doesn't change. I got caught up with my life and there wasn't any space for our friendship then I wake up and we're farther then we've ever been and there's nothing I can do to change it. It is what it is. She is who she is and I am who I am. I know it had to happen and made it easier to let her go but I do feel scared. I don't want to imagine not seeing her face or hearing her voice. I don't want to stop hearing her laughter or her nudge on my shoulder. She has been my friend since we were little girls.
I'm gonna' miss her like hell. Of course, I have always known this day would come, that doesn't make it that much easier emotionally though. I did cherish the moments we had together, I always will. It's just scary to live now where she won't be there like she used to be. It's time for me to let her go and I hate it.
'They' say that if you truly love something, let it go because that way it can be free. I want her to be free and to be joyful.
She's not the only one who isn't here anymore. In an instant everything I've ever known was changed. It felt like I had so much safety around me, so much security and the next thing I know my life isn't the same life I knew two seconds before. Mom told me it was at the beginning of the year that all the stuff happened the other day. It felt like just a couple of months. I've already made new friends during that time period. So much has changed just during those months. A part of me feels like I am on fast forward and I just need to slow down. I guess maybe that's why I'm looking at the past.
It scares me for life to just change and things to simply change that I've loved and held sacred as if they were always just a season.
I've been sitting at home not doing very much lately. I do want to get my license and get out there. It's probably not helpful for me to be sitting around here not having anywhere to take my mind off of these thoughts of mine. I want a meaningful life so damn badly that I probably stress my body out too much. I really have had some beautiful times in my life and I think that's why I miss them even more. I just don't want them to disappear as if they never happened. I wonder if I'll forget these days and it'll be as if it never happened.
I do think there is no such thing as time because right now is the only thing I feel like I really am part of. The future always seemed like a hopeful [or hopeless] dream to me. And the past is a memory of a person I no longer am. That's why I don't think reincarnation is such a weird idea. I feel like I am born and reborn all the time.
It's hard to believe that some things can end. But love doesn't. What about fear? Can that end? Will that end for me? For others? I think I may be too tied down by the past. But if a person forgets their past then how can they still keep what they've learned from it?
This is where I step back and humbly wait for guidance because I need rest and it won't get me anywhere to slave over it for hours.
Nemaste
-Elizabeth
"Time can take it's toll on you when you least expect it. It's okay to take it slow."
"Don't forget to smell the roses. Enjoy every part of your life."
Well, I know my old life really is washing away and I can't help but feel a little nostalgic. Old habits, old friends, old beliefs - it's all changing in a way it never has before.
Sometimes it feels like time moves to fast. How can it be that I've only been alive 18 years? And yet it also feels like I've only been here for a flash. Time has to be an illusion because it's moments like this that I can't even comprehend it.
I guess it has taken its toll on me when it comes to the way relationships shift.
She's moving somewhere new. I'm still here. She's changed, too. We still love one another, that doesn't change. I got caught up with my life and there wasn't any space for our friendship then I wake up and we're farther then we've ever been and there's nothing I can do to change it. It is what it is. She is who she is and I am who I am. I know it had to happen and made it easier to let her go but I do feel scared. I don't want to imagine not seeing her face or hearing her voice. I don't want to stop hearing her laughter or her nudge on my shoulder. She has been my friend since we were little girls.
I'm gonna' miss her like hell. Of course, I have always known this day would come, that doesn't make it that much easier emotionally though. I did cherish the moments we had together, I always will. It's just scary to live now where she won't be there like she used to be. It's time for me to let her go and I hate it.
'They' say that if you truly love something, let it go because that way it can be free. I want her to be free and to be joyful.
She's not the only one who isn't here anymore. In an instant everything I've ever known was changed. It felt like I had so much safety around me, so much security and the next thing I know my life isn't the same life I knew two seconds before. Mom told me it was at the beginning of the year that all the stuff happened the other day. It felt like just a couple of months. I've already made new friends during that time period. So much has changed just during those months. A part of me feels like I am on fast forward and I just need to slow down. I guess maybe that's why I'm looking at the past.
It scares me for life to just change and things to simply change that I've loved and held sacred as if they were always just a season.
I've been sitting at home not doing very much lately. I do want to get my license and get out there. It's probably not helpful for me to be sitting around here not having anywhere to take my mind off of these thoughts of mine. I want a meaningful life so damn badly that I probably stress my body out too much. I really have had some beautiful times in my life and I think that's why I miss them even more. I just don't want them to disappear as if they never happened. I wonder if I'll forget these days and it'll be as if it never happened.
I do think there is no such thing as time because right now is the only thing I feel like I really am part of. The future always seemed like a hopeful [or hopeless] dream to me. And the past is a memory of a person I no longer am. That's why I don't think reincarnation is such a weird idea. I feel like I am born and reborn all the time.
It's hard to believe that some things can end. But love doesn't. What about fear? Can that end? Will that end for me? For others? I think I may be too tied down by the past. But if a person forgets their past then how can they still keep what they've learned from it?
This is where I step back and humbly wait for guidance because I need rest and it won't get me anywhere to slave over it for hours.
Nemaste
-Elizabeth
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Symphony
I am tired of wearing masks. But who is in there? It can't just be a scared little girl. I saw so much more in that heart of mine. And I'm sick and tired of being seen that way, from faces around me and most importantly from the voice in my mind. I tell myself there is nothing wrong with being that person. I wouldn't face the truth of my life before and now I am. But what truth is this?
I don't understand how a person can say they have a beating heart be so fucking cruel.
I walk a fine line between pure love and pure hate. But I don't think it's hate because it just hurts within. I remember why I closed up, again.
I am own my own side. Elizabeth, if you ever read this over, just know I love you. I don't care how crazy I may feel at times, how shitty I think I look, act or believe, I love myself. I do support myself.
I know this world, this life, my own heart can be a scary thing to face sometimes. I trust you, though. I know I'll do my best and I'll never stop trying if there is heart beating in my chest. It's not a promise, it's just something I believe about myself. Yes, sometimes I will fall down but I have a flame in my heart. I've seen my own truth before and now I know that I've cared about myself and my life.
It may hurt when people laugh at my sincere love or when I am fumbling over my words and just can't seem to connect but it does NOT make me a terrible person. It just means I'm doing my best the only way I know how at them time. Like the rest of every other person on the planet, maybe even this entire universe. I can see that right this second. How people are putting one foot in front of the other from the only way they know at the time. They're living their life how they know how and what feels right to them. "It's the curriculum you are on. That is okay, you chose this." I don't know if that is the ultimate truth but it rings true in the sense that this is a lesson and it is not some sort of punishment or condemnation of myself. This is what is right, right now, for me.
There's a reason that I am the person I am. There's a reason I don't want to wear a mask. There's a reason I feel I am entitled to be the person I am without having to hide that I'm genuine about my own feelings or that I need a mask to be accepted. I will take banishment if that is what it comes to. I will not put on masks anymore with the intent to butter other people up. And if I do I will forgive myself and remember this feeling in my heart that I feel the true me, the real me within is the person who I want to be.
I think back on my brother. I could trust him. I knew I could, he understand why I was the way I was. Because, he too, asked the questions and had the burning in his heart and soul. He talked with me about how outsiders who didn't understand, there was just some things I couldn't share with them and that it was good to have a wall. They could not hurt me if I had these walls. He said there was no reason for them to take what is sacred and throw it on the ground then shit on it.
My brother knew what he was talking when it came to that. He knew what it was like more then I did to be treated that way. He didn't trust them and I didn't think I could trust them either after the new experiences I had at Calera and other places. I didn't want people to treat me the way they did and I could not understand why they would ever act the way they did to me. It felt like they hated me when I'd never done anything to them. Yet, even now, it confuses me some. But I know I acted like them in some ways when I felt very fearful and didn't want to be true to myself. I thought I was so cool yet I didn't care about my grades or anything else substantial. A person would say I didn't have my priorities straight. Highschool is an illusion and even when you grow up, is there really anyone better or worse?
I don't know all the answers, even to my own truth. But I know that I am going to keep accepting and loving myself through the difficult times because if you don't have your own love then can you hold any love at all?
"You can't cry, Elizabeth. You're the strong one." I say here and now, I do not claim that title. I am more then just 'the strong one'. I CAN be weak and I can find my truth through such an experience. Being strong for me hasn't been about not letting a tear fall or never share any sense of fear with others. The weakness was when I wouldn't look myself in the eyes. When I wouldn't admit to myself that I was scared shitless or the fact that I WAS upset. Upon looking in the mirror of life, I did understand the pain I'd suffered and yet my love hasn't faltered. I just know inside that I am not going to get anywhere anymore by telling lies to myself and leading other people to believe lies about me. I do believe that if I love myself then there is truly nothing in the world that can destroy my confidence and love for life because I will be certain of the fire within my heart. My heart just doesn't want to be abandoned. When I run then I do feel like a little girl. It's okay, though, I can run. Nothing will stop me from loving or accepting myself. Because for me, this is it. I'm it. If I give up on me, then what else is there for me to believe in? Other people, while I can love them, they are walking their own paths and they cannot save me or my world.
I just keep thinking back on the other student's really hearing Mrs. Jacy verbalize that I'm 'serious' and then I thought back on what Jacob said when I'd gotten angry at this kid who was 'jokingly' insulted my deceased aunt's hat that I was wearing. It did look goofy because of the way I was wearing it but the way he was saying it wasn't joking but condescending. I hate feeling like someone is trying to say they are better then me when they don't have an inkling about me[that's probably my more prideful side which is of course a more insecure part of me]. Anyway, I told the kid to keep his opinions to himself and he told me he was joking but then my friend Jacob says, "She's sensitive." In a mocking tone. You can only imagine how I reacted to that. Calling me sensitive, calling me weak. I never show weakness. At least that used to be my motto because I wasn't going to let anyone one-up me. I wanted to be the one to hurt them if I had to. I couldn't stand people who didn't even care five minutes later to be sending me to hell. They had no meaning, I remember feeling. They were nothing and yet they were hurting me like my own personal insecurities embodied into life.
I didn't want them to be important but they were. I still remember that feeling of drowning. The people around me were the dark waters. In those moment it felt like I was being crushed by the ocean. No one could hear my voice, no on saw me for who I was and surely they didn't have a beating heart to be so mean to me. Then I remember being in their place and being mean to others. I remember this feeling of separation from the person I was doing it to. I wasn't thinking about what it would be like to be their place. Because that's weak 'feely feelings' right? Too bad it burns like hell when it happens to you and then you wish you would've thought about how they might feel. I've been as angry at myself as I have been at other people before.
No more guilt, though. I love me. And I do love you. That's why you can make me hurt so badly. Because the truth is that nothing in this world matters more then you and I. I think that's my truth. If I deny it then it only causes more trouble for myself. I see you and I see you in me. I hope you can see you in me but even if you can't, well, you're just doing what you know best. Be free-
Oh, thou heart of mine, fabulous luck and intentions on the path you're traveling. There be pain in store but I think there is also a lot of love, in store.
I don't understand how a person can say they have a beating heart be so fucking cruel.
I walk a fine line between pure love and pure hate. But I don't think it's hate because it just hurts within. I remember why I closed up, again.
I am own my own side. Elizabeth, if you ever read this over, just know I love you. I don't care how crazy I may feel at times, how shitty I think I look, act or believe, I love myself. I do support myself.
I know this world, this life, my own heart can be a scary thing to face sometimes. I trust you, though. I know I'll do my best and I'll never stop trying if there is heart beating in my chest. It's not a promise, it's just something I believe about myself. Yes, sometimes I will fall down but I have a flame in my heart. I've seen my own truth before and now I know that I've cared about myself and my life.
It may hurt when people laugh at my sincere love or when I am fumbling over my words and just can't seem to connect but it does NOT make me a terrible person. It just means I'm doing my best the only way I know how at them time. Like the rest of every other person on the planet, maybe even this entire universe. I can see that right this second. How people are putting one foot in front of the other from the only way they know at the time. They're living their life how they know how and what feels right to them. "It's the curriculum you are on. That is okay, you chose this." I don't know if that is the ultimate truth but it rings true in the sense that this is a lesson and it is not some sort of punishment or condemnation of myself. This is what is right, right now, for me.
There's a reason that I am the person I am. There's a reason I don't want to wear a mask. There's a reason I feel I am entitled to be the person I am without having to hide that I'm genuine about my own feelings or that I need a mask to be accepted. I will take banishment if that is what it comes to. I will not put on masks anymore with the intent to butter other people up. And if I do I will forgive myself and remember this feeling in my heart that I feel the true me, the real me within is the person who I want to be.
I think back on my brother. I could trust him. I knew I could, he understand why I was the way I was. Because, he too, asked the questions and had the burning in his heart and soul. He talked with me about how outsiders who didn't understand, there was just some things I couldn't share with them and that it was good to have a wall. They could not hurt me if I had these walls. He said there was no reason for them to take what is sacred and throw it on the ground then shit on it.
My brother knew what he was talking when it came to that. He knew what it was like more then I did to be treated that way. He didn't trust them and I didn't think I could trust them either after the new experiences I had at Calera and other places. I didn't want people to treat me the way they did and I could not understand why they would ever act the way they did to me. It felt like they hated me when I'd never done anything to them. Yet, even now, it confuses me some. But I know I acted like them in some ways when I felt very fearful and didn't want to be true to myself. I thought I was so cool yet I didn't care about my grades or anything else substantial. A person would say I didn't have my priorities straight. Highschool is an illusion and even when you grow up, is there really anyone better or worse?
I don't know all the answers, even to my own truth. But I know that I am going to keep accepting and loving myself through the difficult times because if you don't have your own love then can you hold any love at all?
"You can't cry, Elizabeth. You're the strong one." I say here and now, I do not claim that title. I am more then just 'the strong one'. I CAN be weak and I can find my truth through such an experience. Being strong for me hasn't been about not letting a tear fall or never share any sense of fear with others. The weakness was when I wouldn't look myself in the eyes. When I wouldn't admit to myself that I was scared shitless or the fact that I WAS upset. Upon looking in the mirror of life, I did understand the pain I'd suffered and yet my love hasn't faltered. I just know inside that I am not going to get anywhere anymore by telling lies to myself and leading other people to believe lies about me. I do believe that if I love myself then there is truly nothing in the world that can destroy my confidence and love for life because I will be certain of the fire within my heart. My heart just doesn't want to be abandoned. When I run then I do feel like a little girl. It's okay, though, I can run. Nothing will stop me from loving or accepting myself. Because for me, this is it. I'm it. If I give up on me, then what else is there for me to believe in? Other people, while I can love them, they are walking their own paths and they cannot save me or my world.
I just keep thinking back on the other student's really hearing Mrs. Jacy verbalize that I'm 'serious' and then I thought back on what Jacob said when I'd gotten angry at this kid who was 'jokingly' insulted my deceased aunt's hat that I was wearing. It did look goofy because of the way I was wearing it but the way he was saying it wasn't joking but condescending. I hate feeling like someone is trying to say they are better then me when they don't have an inkling about me[that's probably my more prideful side which is of course a more insecure part of me]. Anyway, I told the kid to keep his opinions to himself and he told me he was joking but then my friend Jacob says, "She's sensitive." In a mocking tone. You can only imagine how I reacted to that. Calling me sensitive, calling me weak. I never show weakness. At least that used to be my motto because I wasn't going to let anyone one-up me. I wanted to be the one to hurt them if I had to. I couldn't stand people who didn't even care five minutes later to be sending me to hell. They had no meaning, I remember feeling. They were nothing and yet they were hurting me like my own personal insecurities embodied into life.
I didn't want them to be important but they were. I still remember that feeling of drowning. The people around me were the dark waters. In those moment it felt like I was being crushed by the ocean. No one could hear my voice, no on saw me for who I was and surely they didn't have a beating heart to be so mean to me. Then I remember being in their place and being mean to others. I remember this feeling of separation from the person I was doing it to. I wasn't thinking about what it would be like to be their place. Because that's weak 'feely feelings' right? Too bad it burns like hell when it happens to you and then you wish you would've thought about how they might feel. I've been as angry at myself as I have been at other people before.
No more guilt, though. I love me. And I do love you. That's why you can make me hurt so badly. Because the truth is that nothing in this world matters more then you and I. I think that's my truth. If I deny it then it only causes more trouble for myself. I see you and I see you in me. I hope you can see you in me but even if you can't, well, you're just doing what you know best. Be free-
Oh, thou heart of mine, fabulous luck and intentions on the path you're traveling. There be pain in store but I think there is also a lot of love, in store.
Joy
Just a pre-warning, I am about to vent and if you're really not in the mood to hear that then I wouldn't bother reading this post. I'd just rather post it here than someplace public like my facebook or yammer on to one of my friends. But I know I need to get it out because I feel that boiling point reaching it's limit.
So you know those morning's when you wake up and whatever you dream you just had has left you in a terrible mood? It was one of those morning's for me. I had an excellent night last night but my dream sent me spinning in a completely different direction out of nowhere. I really didn't even want to go to school today but I was going to go anyway so I could bring the chips and dip. Also my teacher doesn't ask much from us. But by the time I got there with the other girl's, I could already tell it was going to be a long day and I wouldn't be happy. Aka, I was going to be putting on a happy face so that I could quickly get through it. I don't really believe in wearing masks all the time but I find it inappropriate to be a party pooper just because I'm grumpy. It might have been fine if one my old friends hadn't of showed up. She was honestly the b-word today. I know there have been times that even in the past she has upset me but god she was just being rude back to back to everyone today and it was not sitting well with me. I really want to hit her and usually I don't feel violent. When I was younger that was an urge I got frequently. I'm not going to lie, I had some big anger issues when I was younger and it was pretty easy to set me off.
But today was kind of like back then yet I kept it to myself. Luckily, one of my friend's brought me home early today. The first thing she says to me is, "You look so different without make-up on. I miss your face!" And I said, "This is my face." And she said, "No, I miss your face." That got on my last nerve, of course. One, I don't think make-up is hardly someone's face and that I AM beautiful without it. I also thought it was just plain tacky and rude. How does she not know if that could really bother me? Oh, wait, I forgot...She doesn't give a shit. She doesn't give a shit that she probably hurt every girl's feelings in there and putting her opinions out there when no one asked her. I really have no patience for that kind of behavior. I know it probably comes from all her problems.
I had no patience for it. I know I still have my own problem with acceptance and probably with pride. Should I could call the 'problems'? Like I'm some sort of 'bad' child. It's my own pain, my own wounds. I can't fix it but I can love myself.
Mrs. Jacy gave me a gift for girl's group and on my bottle was joy. She said it was because she knows that I can be a very serious person and that sometimes when my plans don't work out the way I want them to it upsets me. She said she doesn't think I'm really lacking in joy but just that she wants for me to be able to take things more lightly because she knows how it is since she is also a Scorpio.
It's true about me. It felt awkward her saying it because everyone joked about it with me and I felt more annoyed about that. It's something I usually don't want people to know FOR that reason. I do take things overly serious at times. When I was a little girl people would try to give me pet names like, "pumpkin" or "sunshine" and I would tell them, "That's not my name. My name is Elizabeth." It's not like I never laughed, I did laugh! And I definitely wasn't a kid off in the corner studying algebraic equations. I loved adventure and I was quite the silly girl. But humor wasn't something I dealt with very well. Not in the way that most people use it. I hated being teased. It wasn't funny and it sounded like the person was disrespecting me and then expected me to laugh with them. I have lightened up a lot more about that but I do think kids think they can make a joke out of anything when it really isn't funny. As my friend Skye would say, "Not everything is a joke." But I also do see how kids and especially younger kids can laugh at things rather than take things seriously because that is easier to cope. I just wish they wouldn't bring me into it. Haha!
I've had a lot of people telling me I am very serious, lately. I don't even feel that way! I'm just being myself. No, I don't laugh at everything but that's just because everything isn't funny to me. That doesn't mean I don't feel anything at all it just doesn't make me want to laugh. I actually wish things were more genuinely funny to me. I do find that when I am in a laughing mood I am usually in a very happy mood. I laughed very hard last night, for example; it was great!
I was thinking about the fact that when I was going through the stuff that I was, I found practically NOTHING at all funny. And if I ever did laugh, I was faking it to help the other feel better. I just didn't find anything funny.
The ironic thing is my friend said to me after Mrs. Jacy gave me the bottle, "Why so serious?" and then of course the other girl who was making me mad said, "Yes, Elizabeth is very depressed." in a teasing manner[won't rant about that except that if I actually was depressed which sometimes I am that is nothing to joke about, making someone feel bad or inferior for being depressed is not helpful to their emotional health]
But why it's ironic what my first friend said is because I used to be creeped out by that quote from the joker. And there it is in my life again from the mouth of a friend. "Why so serious, Elizabeth?" It just a 'game', right?
Sometimes I wish I wouldn't be the way I am. Sometimes I wish it could just go in one ear and out the other but I've done that before. I've not processed my emotions. I could become everything that I want to be in that respect because I've done it before. Life isn't always about being serious for me yet it's definitely not about thinking of my life as this big joke that I really don't care either way about. I don't want to cruise through life anymore. I want to process my emotions and work through them no matter how sensitive it might make me as I do. I believe that the more I do it, I'll grow up so more emotionally but I've just been numb in some ways for a while.
So life isn't a joke to me or a game but do I want it to 'mission impossible' all the time? No. I will try to loosen up some more. It's a process, I think. Joy, hmm? We'll see about that. It is something I'd like but sometimes the thought of it scares me. Because I don't know if it's attainable when standing at the bottom of a mountain. I don't want to strive for joy so much that I forgot to live and just love the moment I'm in.
So I want more joy in my life but not at the cost of forgetting to really love my life.
So you know those morning's when you wake up and whatever you dream you just had has left you in a terrible mood? It was one of those morning's for me. I had an excellent night last night but my dream sent me spinning in a completely different direction out of nowhere. I really didn't even want to go to school today but I was going to go anyway so I could bring the chips and dip. Also my teacher doesn't ask much from us. But by the time I got there with the other girl's, I could already tell it was going to be a long day and I wouldn't be happy. Aka, I was going to be putting on a happy face so that I could quickly get through it. I don't really believe in wearing masks all the time but I find it inappropriate to be a party pooper just because I'm grumpy. It might have been fine if one my old friends hadn't of showed up. She was honestly the b-word today. I know there have been times that even in the past she has upset me but god she was just being rude back to back to everyone today and it was not sitting well with me. I really want to hit her and usually I don't feel violent. When I was younger that was an urge I got frequently. I'm not going to lie, I had some big anger issues when I was younger and it was pretty easy to set me off.
But today was kind of like back then yet I kept it to myself. Luckily, one of my friend's brought me home early today. The first thing she says to me is, "You look so different without make-up on. I miss your face!" And I said, "This is my face." And she said, "No, I miss your face." That got on my last nerve, of course. One, I don't think make-up is hardly someone's face and that I AM beautiful without it. I also thought it was just plain tacky and rude. How does she not know if that could really bother me? Oh, wait, I forgot...She doesn't give a shit. She doesn't give a shit that she probably hurt every girl's feelings in there and putting her opinions out there when no one asked her. I really have no patience for that kind of behavior. I know it probably comes from all her problems.
I had no patience for it. I know I still have my own problem with acceptance and probably with pride. Should I could call the 'problems'? Like I'm some sort of 'bad' child. It's my own pain, my own wounds. I can't fix it but I can love myself.
Mrs. Jacy gave me a gift for girl's group and on my bottle was joy. She said it was because she knows that I can be a very serious person and that sometimes when my plans don't work out the way I want them to it upsets me. She said she doesn't think I'm really lacking in joy but just that she wants for me to be able to take things more lightly because she knows how it is since she is also a Scorpio.
It's true about me. It felt awkward her saying it because everyone joked about it with me and I felt more annoyed about that. It's something I usually don't want people to know FOR that reason. I do take things overly serious at times. When I was a little girl people would try to give me pet names like, "pumpkin" or "sunshine" and I would tell them, "That's not my name. My name is Elizabeth." It's not like I never laughed, I did laugh! And I definitely wasn't a kid off in the corner studying algebraic equations. I loved adventure and I was quite the silly girl. But humor wasn't something I dealt with very well. Not in the way that most people use it. I hated being teased. It wasn't funny and it sounded like the person was disrespecting me and then expected me to laugh with them. I have lightened up a lot more about that but I do think kids think they can make a joke out of anything when it really isn't funny. As my friend Skye would say, "Not everything is a joke." But I also do see how kids and especially younger kids can laugh at things rather than take things seriously because that is easier to cope. I just wish they wouldn't bring me into it. Haha!
I've had a lot of people telling me I am very serious, lately. I don't even feel that way! I'm just being myself. No, I don't laugh at everything but that's just because everything isn't funny to me. That doesn't mean I don't feel anything at all it just doesn't make me want to laugh. I actually wish things were more genuinely funny to me. I do find that when I am in a laughing mood I am usually in a very happy mood. I laughed very hard last night, for example; it was great!
I was thinking about the fact that when I was going through the stuff that I was, I found practically NOTHING at all funny. And if I ever did laugh, I was faking it to help the other feel better. I just didn't find anything funny.
The ironic thing is my friend said to me after Mrs. Jacy gave me the bottle, "Why so serious?" and then of course the other girl who was making me mad said, "Yes, Elizabeth is very depressed." in a teasing manner[won't rant about that except that if I actually was depressed which sometimes I am that is nothing to joke about, making someone feel bad or inferior for being depressed is not helpful to their emotional health]
But why it's ironic what my first friend said is because I used to be creeped out by that quote from the joker. And there it is in my life again from the mouth of a friend. "Why so serious, Elizabeth?" It just a 'game', right?
Sometimes I wish I wouldn't be the way I am. Sometimes I wish it could just go in one ear and out the other but I've done that before. I've not processed my emotions. I could become everything that I want to be in that respect because I've done it before. Life isn't always about being serious for me yet it's definitely not about thinking of my life as this big joke that I really don't care either way about. I don't want to cruise through life anymore. I want to process my emotions and work through them no matter how sensitive it might make me as I do. I believe that the more I do it, I'll grow up so more emotionally but I've just been numb in some ways for a while.
So life isn't a joke to me or a game but do I want it to 'mission impossible' all the time? No. I will try to loosen up some more. It's a process, I think. Joy, hmm? We'll see about that. It is something I'd like but sometimes the thought of it scares me. Because I don't know if it's attainable when standing at the bottom of a mountain. I don't want to strive for joy so much that I forgot to live and just love the moment I'm in.
So I want more joy in my life but not at the cost of forgetting to really love my life.
Monday, December 12, 2011
The sign is life
Today is my first day back from my weekend long trip to Florida. I stayed at my uncle's house and experience some interesting adventures while there and while going there.
On the ride to Florida, dad and I got stuck in Brewton Alabama because of christmas parade. It's hard to believe but there was a semi in the parade and people were throwing packs of toilet paper from boxes off of it.
It was a very enjoyable experience. It was of course too cold to actually go into the beach water but I did graze my fingertips through it and watch the incoming waves.
I think both dad and I were trying to 'juice' the magic out of the experience but by the end of it we both saw that there was no sense in doing that because of the fact that magic was already there.
We didn't need a 'sign' or a message, the message is in our hearts. The ocean did speak with me and the sand underneath my feet. But it helped me to remember that I am free from the thought process of, "I really wish the magic would appear here." The magic starts in my heart. Because I think that someone has to believe before they can truly see.
Dad and I were talking and we both agreed - there really is no right or wrong. And maybe that "eating from the tree of knowledge of good and evil" was the knowledge of right or wrong and because we had that new thought process in our mind we began to build our lives around this separated, duality way of thinking.
I do understand wanting to be true to oneself, though. But I don't see it as 'the right path' or the 'wrong path'. Every path can teach you a lesson and every path has potential. It's just that some path's lead to healing while others can make you sicker.
So it's not the areas in my life that are wrong but it's the area's in my life that are hurt and sick. I just simply want to be free. Living in the fear based life is not what I perceive to be my ultimate truth. I don't think that's really a lack of perfection since to me the idea of perfection is flawed but it's simply a delusion of the core of my being. It's like, being in denial...
It's strange to be learning lessons over and over again. I used to think that someone could grasp a concept once and then understand it but it seems for me that I have to repeat it in different ways to really understand.
Elizabeth
On the ride to Florida, dad and I got stuck in Brewton Alabama because of christmas parade. It's hard to believe but there was a semi in the parade and people were throwing packs of toilet paper from boxes off of it.
It was a very enjoyable experience. It was of course too cold to actually go into the beach water but I did graze my fingertips through it and watch the incoming waves.
I think both dad and I were trying to 'juice' the magic out of the experience but by the end of it we both saw that there was no sense in doing that because of the fact that magic was already there.
We didn't need a 'sign' or a message, the message is in our hearts. The ocean did speak with me and the sand underneath my feet. But it helped me to remember that I am free from the thought process of, "I really wish the magic would appear here." The magic starts in my heart. Because I think that someone has to believe before they can truly see.
Dad and I were talking and we both agreed - there really is no right or wrong. And maybe that "eating from the tree of knowledge of good and evil" was the knowledge of right or wrong and because we had that new thought process in our mind we began to build our lives around this separated, duality way of thinking.
I do understand wanting to be true to oneself, though. But I don't see it as 'the right path' or the 'wrong path'. Every path can teach you a lesson and every path has potential. It's just that some path's lead to healing while others can make you sicker.
So it's not the areas in my life that are wrong but it's the area's in my life that are hurt and sick. I just simply want to be free. Living in the fear based life is not what I perceive to be my ultimate truth. I don't think that's really a lack of perfection since to me the idea of perfection is flawed but it's simply a delusion of the core of my being. It's like, being in denial...
It's strange to be learning lessons over and over again. I used to think that someone could grasp a concept once and then understand it but it seems for me that I have to repeat it in different ways to really understand.
Elizabeth
Monday, December 5, 2011
Calling all lonely-
"All I have ever wanted is to see you smile." I feel that way about everyone. I also find myself thinking about how others feel inferior or feel separate in some way. This disconnect has left us all afraid. I want to remember who I really am to the extent that just being around me will remind others that there is nothing to be afraid of.
I've looked at both 'sides' of life, now. Tonight, I found myself smiling at the irony - the hardest moment of my life is what brought forth the most beautiful experiences and it is also now why I feel so very free. Why should my own shadows scare me? I made those shadows. I have created my own fear. I AM responsible for everything that I create. I am these 'shadows'. "To bring to light" means to uncover something and reveal it where it can be seen. There would be no shadows within me if I didn't hide them. If I am ever to love myself entirely then I must be able to see myself entirely and accept this person as this person is. 'Doesn't matter what I see or what I think I should be. I am what I am.
"The first step is acceptance."
And the second step is seeing where to go from there. I found that it's much less scarier then one would think once you start accepting yourself and forgiving yourself. It's that condemnation that can really hurt. But facing and accepting the fear within is what freed me. Once I was able to do that and continue to love myself, I suddenly realized that the reason why life felt so 'hard' was because I was making it hard. I was constantly resisting everything. But it was when I stop pushing that I was finally able to breathe, again. I could hear when people spoke, I could see things more truly and my own actions were more true to me. There was more peace within me. I always find that when things are getting to insane if I just stop and let what be, be everything works its kinks out without me having to make it happen. I guess it's hard to relinquish control but I've learned that only came from my own fears. What's so scary about sitting back and letting what needed to happen just happen.
I've looked in the mirror of my soul and saw my fears clearer then I ever had. Everything I never wanted to accept about myself lived in there in me alone and covered in the shadows I made it live in. Every negative thought and belief about myself I had projected onto others. Everything I hated about others, was really in me. I began to see that there was a monster inside of me. At the time nothing was scarier then this realization. I found out that what I had spent so long fighting - it was me and it pointless. All it had ever done was hurt me more. But I know why I did, I was afraid to accept those parts of me. It felt like if I did, "I was giving up on life."
I think back on the visions of my life and the memories that come. The nights of dreaming and the nights of crying. The days of laughter and the days of mystery or danger. I think about passed lover's and friends. I find myself smiling with joy of these precious memories to me and then I know I can let them go. What have I found? For me, I feel I have found the eternal moment.
I have dreamed always of an amazing life[which I have already lived] and then I wonder what other's dream of. I found myself dreaming for them. I hope that they, too, can find this eternal moment. I know they will eventually. Everyone does...
And when I think of this I know there is nothing to fear. I know that I want to see other's smile. I want other's to see just how beautiful they truly are.
People tell me I AM beautiful and I do not doubt them at all, anymore. I know that I am, inside and out. When they say to me; "I am jealous because you are so beautiful and happy." And I always ask them, "Why? You are also beautiful and sacred." There is no catch with this life. Everyone can have a happy forever. Everyone can be the beautiful one. We all are so magnificent and I love everyone.
That is what it means to be in love with God. God is not one specific person, for me. God is everyone, everything. God IS Love and we are all Love. We are truly one.
And God, how I AM in love with you. Whether you show up at my door as a lover or as a hungry and homeless man or just someone bored. I want to be the person you need me to be, which is just being the true me. So that's why I'll keep this spiritual and personal journey of growth which will never end.
iluvoux!
-Elizabeth
I've looked at both 'sides' of life, now. Tonight, I found myself smiling at the irony - the hardest moment of my life is what brought forth the most beautiful experiences and it is also now why I feel so very free. Why should my own shadows scare me? I made those shadows. I have created my own fear. I AM responsible for everything that I create. I am these 'shadows'. "To bring to light" means to uncover something and reveal it where it can be seen. There would be no shadows within me if I didn't hide them. If I am ever to love myself entirely then I must be able to see myself entirely and accept this person as this person is. 'Doesn't matter what I see or what I think I should be. I am what I am.
"The first step is acceptance."
And the second step is seeing where to go from there. I found that it's much less scarier then one would think once you start accepting yourself and forgiving yourself. It's that condemnation that can really hurt. But facing and accepting the fear within is what freed me. Once I was able to do that and continue to love myself, I suddenly realized that the reason why life felt so 'hard' was because I was making it hard. I was constantly resisting everything. But it was when I stop pushing that I was finally able to breathe, again. I could hear when people spoke, I could see things more truly and my own actions were more true to me. There was more peace within me. I always find that when things are getting to insane if I just stop and let what be, be everything works its kinks out without me having to make it happen. I guess it's hard to relinquish control but I've learned that only came from my own fears. What's so scary about sitting back and letting what needed to happen just happen.
I've looked in the mirror of my soul and saw my fears clearer then I ever had. Everything I never wanted to accept about myself lived in there in me alone and covered in the shadows I made it live in. Every negative thought and belief about myself I had projected onto others. Everything I hated about others, was really in me. I began to see that there was a monster inside of me. At the time nothing was scarier then this realization. I found out that what I had spent so long fighting - it was me and it pointless. All it had ever done was hurt me more. But I know why I did, I was afraid to accept those parts of me. It felt like if I did, "I was giving up on life."
I think back on the visions of my life and the memories that come. The nights of dreaming and the nights of crying. The days of laughter and the days of mystery or danger. I think about passed lover's and friends. I find myself smiling with joy of these precious memories to me and then I know I can let them go. What have I found? For me, I feel I have found the eternal moment.
I have dreamed always of an amazing life[which I have already lived] and then I wonder what other's dream of. I found myself dreaming for them. I hope that they, too, can find this eternal moment. I know they will eventually. Everyone does...
And when I think of this I know there is nothing to fear. I know that I want to see other's smile. I want other's to see just how beautiful they truly are.
People tell me I AM beautiful and I do not doubt them at all, anymore. I know that I am, inside and out. When they say to me; "I am jealous because you are so beautiful and happy." And I always ask them, "Why? You are also beautiful and sacred." There is no catch with this life. Everyone can have a happy forever. Everyone can be the beautiful one. We all are so magnificent and I love everyone.
That is what it means to be in love with God. God is not one specific person, for me. God is everyone, everything. God IS Love and we are all Love. We are truly one.
And God, how I AM in love with you. Whether you show up at my door as a lover or as a hungry and homeless man or just someone bored. I want to be the person you need me to be, which is just being the true me. So that's why I'll keep this spiritual and personal journey of growth which will never end.
iluvoux!
-Elizabeth
Sunday, December 4, 2011
There is no separation!
Today I was reminded to things: All beliefs and religions lead to the same thing, there is no such thing as separation, and I am perfect as I am.
I was also reminded that the ego or the projection of the idea of a separate entity is fear-based and just a delusion or a dream that I have been dreaming.
I can wake up at any point in time and it's not my job to wake other's up but it is okay for me to speak my truth. Today I had a 'button' pushed and I was reminded about this fear within. Ultimately the sprouted from the guilt of watching someone I love seemingly be hurt by my own happiness or acceptance and appreciation by others. I also began to believe that this was because I was somehow different and that meant I was going to be alone. I never dreamed to be this 'great' person who no one can relate to or stand to be around because they are jealous of them. I just want to be me and be loved as me and for others to love themselves and see that the same beauty within me is expressed from them in their own unique way. But somehow I began to believe the lie as well and it scared me because I was just being myself and it hurt the one's I loved, or so I perceived. As my mother pointed out, "Their insecurities are something they have to deal with because you cannot give them confidence." What is it that bothered me so much about it? I felt like I was 'escaping' all that fear-based reality in those moments and then I kept being 'dragged back to hell'. But just like those insecurities within another is their own problem to deal with; the only reason I was bothered by that was because of my own fear inside. There is no separation. There is only love.
Thank-you, God. Thank-you, Christ within me. For this expression upon the grand stage!
Now, I will be still and stop thinking because sometimes thoughts are not what is needed to work through certain energy but being still and letting your heart take the reigns.
- Elizabeth
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