Joy

Just a pre-warning, I am about to vent and if you're really not in the mood to hear that then I wouldn't bother reading this post. I'd just rather post it here than someplace public like my facebook or yammer on to one of my friends. But I know I need to get it out because I feel that boiling point reaching it's limit.

So you know those morning's when you wake up and whatever you dream you just had has left you in a terrible mood? It was one of those morning's for me. I had an excellent night last night but my dream sent me spinning in a completely different direction out of nowhere. I really didn't even want to go to school today but I was going to go anyway so I could bring the chips and dip. Also my teacher doesn't ask much from us. But by the time I got there with the other girl's, I could already tell it was going to be a long day and I wouldn't be happy. Aka, I was going to be putting on a happy face so that I could quickly get through it. I don't really believe in wearing masks all the time but I find it inappropriate to be a party pooper just because I'm grumpy. It might have been fine if one my old friends hadn't of showed up. She was honestly the b-word today. I know there have been times that even in the past she has upset me but god she was just being rude back to back to everyone today and it was not sitting well with me. I really want to hit her and usually I don't feel violent. When I was younger that was an urge I got frequently. I'm not going to lie, I had some big anger issues when I was younger and it was pretty easy to set me off.
But today was kind of like back then yet I kept it to myself. Luckily, one of my friend's brought me home early today. The first thing she says to me is, "You look so different without make-up on. I miss your face!" And I said, "This is my face." And she said, "No, I miss your face." That got on my last nerve, of course. One, I don't think make-up is hardly someone's face and that I AM beautiful without it. I also thought it was just plain tacky and rude. How does she not know if that could really bother me? Oh, wait, I forgot...She doesn't give a shit. She doesn't give a shit that she probably hurt every girl's feelings in there and putting her opinions out there when no one asked her. I really have no patience for that kind of behavior. I know it probably comes from all her problems.
I had no patience for it. I know I still have my own problem with acceptance and probably with pride. Should I could call the 'problems'? Like I'm some sort of 'bad' child. It's my own pain, my own wounds. I can't fix it but I can love myself.
Mrs. Jacy gave me a gift for girl's group and on my bottle was joy. She said it was because she knows that I can be a very serious person and that sometimes when my plans don't work out the way I want them to it upsets me. She said she doesn't think I'm really lacking in joy but just that she wants for me to be able to take things more lightly because she knows how it is since she is also a Scorpio.
It's true about me. It felt awkward her saying it because everyone joked about it with me and I felt more annoyed about that. It's something I usually don't want people to know FOR that reason. I do take things overly serious at times. When I was a little girl people would try to give me pet names like, "pumpkin" or "sunshine" and I would tell them, "That's not my name. My name is Elizabeth." It's not like I never laughed, I did laugh! And I definitely wasn't a kid off in the corner studying algebraic equations. I loved adventure and I was quite the silly girl. But humor wasn't something I dealt with very well. Not in the way that most people use it. I hated being teased. It wasn't funny and it sounded like the person was disrespecting me and then expected me to laugh with them. I have lightened up a lot more about that but I do think kids think they can make a joke out of anything when it really isn't funny. As my friend Skye would say, "Not everything is a joke." But I also do see how kids and especially younger kids can laugh at things rather than take things seriously because that is easier to cope. I just wish they wouldn't bring me into it. Haha!
I've had a lot of people telling me I am very serious, lately. I don't even feel that way! I'm just being myself. No, I don't laugh at everything but that's just because everything isn't funny to me. That doesn't mean I don't feel anything at all it just doesn't make me want to laugh. I actually wish things were more genuinely funny to me. I do find that when I am in a laughing mood I am usually in a very happy mood. I laughed very hard last night, for example; it was great!
I was thinking about the fact that when I was going through the stuff that I was, I found practically NOTHING at all funny. And if I ever did laugh, I was faking it to help the other feel better. I just didn't find anything funny.

The ironic thing is my friend said to me after Mrs. Jacy gave me the bottle, "Why so serious?" and then of course the other girl who was making me mad said, "Yes, Elizabeth is very depressed." in a teasing manner[won't rant about that except that if I actually was depressed which sometimes I am that is nothing to joke about, making someone feel bad or inferior for being depressed is not helpful to their emotional health]
But why it's ironic what my first friend said is because I used to be creeped out by that quote from the joker. And there it is in my life again from the mouth of a friend. "Why so serious, Elizabeth?" It just a 'game', right?

Sometimes I wish I wouldn't be the way I am. Sometimes I wish it could just go in one ear and out the other but I've done that before. I've not processed my emotions. I could become everything that I want to be in that respect because I've done it before. Life isn't always about being serious for me yet it's definitely not about thinking of my life as this big joke that I really don't care either way about. I don't want to cruise through life anymore. I want to process my emotions and work through them no matter how sensitive it might make me as I do. I believe that the more I do it, I'll grow up so more emotionally but I've just been numb in some ways for a while.

So life isn't a joke to me or a game but do I want it to 'mission impossible' all the time? No. I will try to loosen up some more. It's a process, I think. Joy, hmm? We'll see about that. It is something I'd like but sometimes the thought of it scares me. Because I don't know if it's attainable when standing at the bottom of a mountain. I don't want to strive for joy so much that I forgot to live and just love the moment I'm in.
So I want more joy in my life but not at the cost of forgetting to really love my life.