"All I have ever wanted is to see you smile." I feel that way about everyone. I also find myself thinking about how others feel inferior or feel separate in some way. This disconnect has left us all afraid. I want to remember who I really am to the extent that just being around me will remind others that there is nothing to be afraid of.
I've looked at both 'sides' of life, now. Tonight, I found myself smiling at the irony - the hardest moment of my life is what brought forth the most beautiful experiences and it is also now why I feel so very free. Why should my own shadows scare me? I made those shadows. I have created my own fear. I AM responsible for everything that I create. I am these 'shadows'. "To bring to light" means to uncover something and reveal it where it can be seen. There would be no shadows within me if I didn't hide them. If I am ever to love myself entirely then I must be able to see myself entirely and accept this person as this person is. 'Doesn't matter what I see or what I think I should be. I am what I am.
"The first step is acceptance."
And the second step is seeing where to go from there. I found that it's much less scarier then one would think once you start accepting yourself and forgiving yourself. It's that condemnation that can really hurt. But facing and accepting the fear within is what freed me. Once I was able to do that and continue to love myself, I suddenly realized that the reason why life felt so 'hard' was because I was making it hard. I was constantly resisting everything. But it was when I stop pushing that I was finally able to breathe, again. I could hear when people spoke, I could see things more truly and my own actions were more true to me. There was more peace within me. I always find that when things are getting to insane if I just stop and let what be, be everything works its kinks out without me having to make it happen. I guess it's hard to relinquish control but I've learned that only came from my own fears. What's so scary about sitting back and letting what needed to happen just happen.
I've looked in the mirror of my soul and saw my fears clearer then I ever had. Everything I never wanted to accept about myself lived in there in me alone and covered in the shadows I made it live in. Every negative thought and belief about myself I had projected onto others. Everything I hated about others, was really in me. I began to see that there was a monster inside of me. At the time nothing was scarier then this realization. I found out that what I had spent so long fighting - it was me and it pointless. All it had ever done was hurt me more. But I know why I did, I was afraid to accept those parts of me. It felt like if I did, "I was giving up on life."
I think back on the visions of my life and the memories that come. The nights of dreaming and the nights of crying. The days of laughter and the days of mystery or danger. I think about passed lover's and friends. I find myself smiling with joy of these precious memories to me and then I know I can let them go. What have I found? For me, I feel I have found the eternal moment.
I have dreamed always of an amazing life[which I have already lived] and then I wonder what other's dream of. I found myself dreaming for them. I hope that they, too, can find this eternal moment. I know they will eventually. Everyone does...
And when I think of this I know there is nothing to fear. I know that I want to see other's smile. I want other's to see just how beautiful they truly are.
People tell me I AM beautiful and I do not doubt them at all, anymore. I know that I am, inside and out. When they say to me; "I am jealous because you are so beautiful and happy." And I always ask them, "Why? You are also beautiful and sacred." There is no catch with this life. Everyone can have a happy forever. Everyone can be the beautiful one. We all are so magnificent and I love everyone.
That is what it means to be in love with God. God is not one specific person, for me. God is everyone, everything. God IS Love and we are all Love. We are truly one.
And God, how I AM in love with you. Whether you show up at my door as a lover or as a hungry and homeless man or just someone bored. I want to be the person you need me to be, which is just being the true me. So that's why I'll keep this spiritual and personal journey of growth which will never end.
iluvoux!
-Elizabeth
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