Symphony

I am tired of wearing masks. But who is in there? It can't just be a scared little girl. I saw so much more in that heart of mine. And I'm sick and tired of being seen that way, from faces around me and most importantly from the voice in my mind. I tell myself there is nothing wrong with being that person. I wouldn't face the truth of my life before and now I am. But what truth is this?
I don't understand how a person can say they have a beating heart be so fucking cruel.
I walk a fine line between pure love and pure hate. But I don't think it's hate because it just hurts within. I remember why I closed up, again.

I am own my own side. Elizabeth, if you ever read this over, just know I love you. I don't care how crazy I may feel at times, how shitty I think I look, act or believe, I love myself. I do support myself.
I know this world, this life, my own heart can be a scary thing to face sometimes. I trust you, though. I know I'll do my best and I'll never stop trying if there is heart beating in my chest. It's not a promise, it's just something I believe about myself. Yes, sometimes I will fall down but I have a flame in my heart. I've seen my own truth before and now I know that I've cared about myself and my life.

It may hurt when people laugh at my sincere love or when I am fumbling over my words and just can't seem to connect but it does NOT make me a terrible person. It just means I'm doing my best the only way I know how at them time. Like the rest of every other person on the planet, maybe even this entire universe. I can see that right this second. How people are putting one foot in front of the other from the only way they know at the time. They're living their life how they know how and what feels right to them. "It's the curriculum you are on. That is okay, you chose this." I don't know if that is the ultimate truth but it rings true in the sense that this is a lesson and it is not some sort of punishment or condemnation of myself. This is what is right, right now, for me.

There's a reason that I am the person I am. There's a reason I don't want to wear a mask. There's a reason I feel I am entitled to be the person I am without having to hide that I'm genuine about my own feelings or that I need a mask to be accepted. I will take banishment if that is what it comes to. I will not put on masks anymore with the intent to butter other people up. And if I do I will forgive myself and remember this feeling in my heart that I feel the true me, the real me within is the person who I want to be.

I think back on my brother. I could trust him. I knew I could, he understand why I was the way I was. Because, he too, asked the questions and had the burning in his heart and soul. He talked with me about how outsiders who didn't understand, there was just some things I couldn't share with them and that it was good to have a wall. They could not hurt me if I had these walls. He said there was no reason for them to take what is sacred and throw it on the ground then shit on it.
My brother knew what he was talking when it came to that. He knew what it was like more then I did to be treated that way. He didn't trust them and I didn't think I could trust them either after the new experiences I had at Calera and other places. I didn't want people to treat me the way they did and I could not understand why they would ever act the way they did to me. It felt like they hated me when I'd never done anything to them. Yet, even now, it confuses me some. But I know I acted like them in some ways when I felt very fearful and didn't want to be true to myself. I thought I was so cool yet I didn't care about my grades or anything else substantial. A person would say I didn't have my priorities straight. Highschool is an illusion and even when you grow up, is there really anyone better or worse?

I don't know all the answers, even to my own truth. But I know that I am going to keep accepting and loving myself through the difficult times because if you don't have your own love then can you hold any love at all?

"You can't cry, Elizabeth. You're the strong one." I say here and now, I do not claim that title. I am more then just 'the strong one'. I CAN be weak and I can find my truth through such an experience. Being strong for me hasn't been about not letting a tear fall or never share any sense of fear with others. The weakness was when I wouldn't look myself in the eyes. When I wouldn't admit to myself that I was scared shitless or the fact that I WAS upset. Upon looking in the mirror of life, I did understand the pain I'd suffered and yet my love hasn't faltered. I just know inside that I am not going to get anywhere anymore by telling lies to myself and leading other people to believe lies about me. I do believe that if I love myself then there is truly nothing in the world that can destroy my confidence and love for life because I will be certain of the fire within my heart. My heart just doesn't want to be abandoned. When I run then I do feel like a little girl. It's okay, though, I can run. Nothing will stop me from loving or accepting myself. Because for me, this is it. I'm it. If I give up on me, then what else is there for me to believe in? Other people, while I can love them, they are walking their own paths and they cannot save me or my world.

I just keep thinking back on the other student's really hearing Mrs. Jacy verbalize that I'm 'serious' and then I thought back on what Jacob said when I'd gotten angry at this kid who was 'jokingly' insulted my deceased aunt's hat that I was wearing. It did look goofy because of the way I was wearing it but the way he was saying it wasn't joking but condescending. I hate feeling like someone is trying to say they are better then me when they don't have an inkling about me[that's probably my more prideful side which is of course a more insecure part of me]. Anyway, I told the kid to keep his opinions to himself and he told me he was joking but then my friend Jacob says, "She's sensitive." In a mocking tone. You can only imagine how I reacted to that. Calling me sensitive, calling me weak. I never show weakness. At least that used to be my motto because I wasn't going to let anyone one-up me. I wanted to be the one to hurt them if I had to. I couldn't stand people who didn't even care five minutes later to be sending me to hell. They had no meaning, I remember feeling. They were nothing and yet they were hurting me like my own personal insecurities embodied into life.
I didn't want them to be important but they were. I still remember that feeling of drowning. The people around me were the dark waters. In those moment it felt like I was being crushed by the ocean. No one could hear my voice, no on saw me for who I was and surely they didn't have a beating heart to be so mean to me. Then I remember being in their place and being mean to others. I remember this feeling of separation from the person I was doing it to. I wasn't thinking about what it would be like to be their place. Because that's weak 'feely feelings' right? Too bad it burns like hell when it happens to you and then you wish you would've thought about how they might feel. I've been as angry at myself as I have been at other people before.
No more guilt, though. I love me. And I do love you. That's why you can make me hurt so badly. Because the truth is that nothing in this world matters more then you and I. I think that's my truth. If I deny it then it only causes more trouble for myself. I see you and I see you in me. I hope you can see you in me but even if you can't, well, you're just doing what you know best. Be free-

Oh, thou heart of mine, fabulous luck and intentions on the path you're traveling. There be pain in store but I think there is also a lot of love, in store.