Everything that I'd like to do revolves around me needing to get my own license. This way I can get a job and many other things. So that means I need to drive, drive, drive.
I'd also like to focus on my school work a little more and get that over and done with.
I can hardly believe it's almost been a year now since all the stuff in my life changed.
I'm working to heal my heart, right now. Today, I actually know that if anyone else besides the animals had been around they would have been for sure that I had totally lost it. It was shortly after my last blog post. I found myself looking at my bird thinking, "She chose to be her. This spirit in this bird was curious enough about life to come here." Usually I felt bad for her because she was in a cage and I was sure she probably didn't like life too much but suddenly I saw that she'd come here with high hopes and joy and curiosity. The spirit certainly doesn't feel victim/victimization. I began looking around and seeing all the plants in the house and how I just knew they all wanted to be here and it made me bubble up with joy to the point that I was laughing hysterically in a way I never had before. This lasted for quite a while.
I started watching my show Roswell again and pretty much this episode showed how the main character's Liz and Max where really done. I could so relate to the pain both of them were feeling. They wanted so badly to be together but knew they couldn't so they remained in a state of limbo because they still were holding onto some thread of hope that it could change. Yet the truth was that the very love they had cherished was now suffocating them with pain. So at some point they both realize they really do need to let go of one another so that they can have happiness again. But it turns out there are people waiting there for both of them who love them very much and so they are not alone. This is what Liz says in her journal;
"We try to live responsible, logical lives but we can't tell our hearts what to feel. Sometimes our hearts lead us to places we thought we never wanted to go. And sometimes our hearts can be the sweetest, gentlest things we have. Sometimes our hearts can make us feel miserable, angry, excited and confused - all at once. But at least my heart is open and I'm writing again. I'm feeling, I'm breathing."
I have heart healing from these episodes and it also helps me to face the fact that there is a part of me that grieves him. I grieve him and I grieve all the friendships that I'd had for years which now have disappeared completely, almost. I know this is for the best, right now, but it is also scary and sad.
I lived quite a few years in a state of pure joy with those beautiful people so why would I want to let them go? But it's true that people are constantly changing, I also know this from my own experience. I am constantly changing.
Mom came home and she seemed so down and I guess I just got down, too. It's not her fault, I know. And then she said how I should've done the dishes and I thought how stupid it was for me to spend so many hours laughing and cutting up. I want to be happy but I know I need to stay grounded here and do what needs to be done. It's also hard to live with someone else and I really need a break. I need space to myself. I need my own room again. I think that would help A LOT.
Heart healing is what has been on my mind lately-
Elizabeth
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