Looks like Being True is visting me, agian. I am interested in living a *magical* life in many different ways. But, I would like to experience things in this reality where I don't become super ungrounded and unaware of what I'm truly doing.
First step; get in touch with my breath - the more aware I am of me being the center of my life - the more grounded I will be.
Connection with others is still important - I won't be swayed by others if I am very grounded.
The more grounded I am, the more I can hear the guidance of *the still small voice*
Saturday, December 28, 2013
I Was Born For This.
As 2013 comes to a close, I am working through a lot of loose ends...letting go of the final remnants of my old skin. Some of that has to do with relationships. I have one particular relationship which is shifting...In ways I can't quite imagine yet. This is a relationship which has always made me feel like....I'm living in a state of eternal sunshine. I remember before him...I was in a very dark, lonely place. He opened the blinds in the rooms of my heart and let the sunlight in. I danced with him and remembered why I loved to smile and laugh. He has been my inspiration for the passed 7 years.
Now, our relationship is shifting & I don't know what it means. I still believe he'll be in my life but the way it will shift will more than likely ask me to face that same darkness I stepped out of when you arrived in my life. There is a feeling born from loneliness, it's different from hopelessness. It feels like you're slowly disappearing, evaporating.
For the first time, I want to go into the storm. Not to wallow in it, not to conquer it. But to listen to it. I want to listen to my heart - the storm. The joy that we shared was born from true love - the truest I've ever known and probably isn't something must humans ever experience. To hold onto the joy from a place of lack and fear...well, it wouldn't be honoring where that joy came from & eventually the flower would die from being plucked.
When I returned to being fully grounded in 2011 - I made the decision to embrace joy fully into my life and live my life to the fullest. If something didn't feel comfy to me, then I didn't have to walk in that direction. Sure, I may *technically* do what was making me feel uncomfortable but I'd shift my perspective about it where I still felt in blissful alignment with myself. I knew that bliss was an indication that I was allowing myself to unfold.
Okay, but sometimes in the hustle and bustle of life - I don't always allow myself to settle down and shift. Sometimes, I forgot that I am unconditionally loved and supported and I dream a dream of loneliness...despair.
2013 has been a year of great discovery. Many material things have been accomplished - new experience gained. And I felt the worst emotional pain I've ever felt in my entire life. I didn't run from the pain, to be honest, I really couldn't even if I wanted to. My brother didn't want a relationship with me and basically *all* of my other closest friends had disappeared, including the man I was talking about above. There were different reasons why for each but it left a resonating song of despair and heartbreak in my heart. It was like a break-up heartbreak times a trillion. Even with my new found joy - this pain sang loudly in my heart. What had shifted from pre-2011 is that now...I wasn't running from the pain. I sat with it, sobbed with it. I gave up, with it. Surrendering to my overwhelming feelings...I didn't try to change anything I was feeling - I was simply present. I allowed thoughts like, "I seriously can't do this anymore." run freely through my mind. In the past, giving up was never something I'd even consider. But, compassion had replaced my fear. I didn't feel like fighting myself, anymore. Nor, did I have the strength to.
In those darkest moments, I discovered just how much I can rely on myself. For once the sobbing had subsided, I would console myself...I would reaffirm my worthiness and that I did truly love myself. That I could trust myself to be compassionate and be a friend throughout my entire life. I could feel something in my own heart shifting.
Now, here we are, at the ending of this year and I am about to have a conversation I wouldn't really ever imagined having. I am willing to go to a place where there isn't sunshine...I am willing to go to the depths of despair because I know that I am *not* alone and that I do have a friend in myself. I know that my worthiness, my invincibility and my eternal nature cannot be taken from me. I will go there. I am also willing to not be torn in two by it - but to blossom from walking into the storms of my own heart. I am willing not to be torched by the dragon that watches over the gold but to become mutually understanding of one another.
Whatever the case, I believe in the source of that sunlight and there is something very brave and free coming from that source. "I'm not afraid, I was born for this."
Outside, tonight, I was trembling and feeling the waves of sadness wash over me to be once again about to possibly lose a deep connection with someone who means more to me than words will ever explain. The whispers of, "See how alone you actually are." came creeping in. I let that familiar, yet still powerful, darkness over take me with tears. And true to the shift that has continually been happening this year when reaching that state...something began to shift. I knew I'd be okay, even if everything I was fearing did come true. I could feel the pain and how it was actually a deep, deep love welling up from within my being. It was almost sensual in nature...I thought of my father putting his hand on a tree and feeling pain then the tree telling him that what he was feeling was love but because of his perception, he only felt pain.
Then I stumbled across this video;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgmVOuLgFB0
I smiled because I knew, I knew that the obstacles - the pain before me is what is propelling me forward. It's what wakes me up, keeps me motivated. A surfer doesn't pause the waves from coming...they keep getting knocked down by them again and again - finally, they will learn more and more how to ride those waves. They aren't looking to stop the waves, they seem them as being the very thing which propels them forward.
2013 was a year of deep love, letting go, discovery and recovery. A year of building trust with myself. Releasing a lot of the old to let in the new. It was a decision on whether I truly wanted to continue living here or not. I've chosen to Continue.
2014 is a year about Continuing vs. being paralyzed. I want to truly live my life - authentic with that deep love and reverence. I want to face the unknown courageously and with an open heart. I accept the possibility of it being one of the most awe-inspiring years yet, to date. I embrace the idea of pure magic unfolding and truly stepping into my truest potential ! I see it being a year of radiance, new discoveries - allowing in the new...stepping into the new, living the new. Emerging as a butterfly. Walking my talk more than I can even imagine possible
2014 is going to blow my mind in the most beautiful, amazing, magical ways possible ~
Now, our relationship is shifting & I don't know what it means. I still believe he'll be in my life but the way it will shift will more than likely ask me to face that same darkness I stepped out of when you arrived in my life. There is a feeling born from loneliness, it's different from hopelessness. It feels like you're slowly disappearing, evaporating.
For the first time, I want to go into the storm. Not to wallow in it, not to conquer it. But to listen to it. I want to listen to my heart - the storm. The joy that we shared was born from true love - the truest I've ever known and probably isn't something must humans ever experience. To hold onto the joy from a place of lack and fear...well, it wouldn't be honoring where that joy came from & eventually the flower would die from being plucked.
When I returned to being fully grounded in 2011 - I made the decision to embrace joy fully into my life and live my life to the fullest. If something didn't feel comfy to me, then I didn't have to walk in that direction. Sure, I may *technically* do what was making me feel uncomfortable but I'd shift my perspective about it where I still felt in blissful alignment with myself. I knew that bliss was an indication that I was allowing myself to unfold.
Okay, but sometimes in the hustle and bustle of life - I don't always allow myself to settle down and shift. Sometimes, I forgot that I am unconditionally loved and supported and I dream a dream of loneliness...despair.
2013 has been a year of great discovery. Many material things have been accomplished - new experience gained. And I felt the worst emotional pain I've ever felt in my entire life. I didn't run from the pain, to be honest, I really couldn't even if I wanted to. My brother didn't want a relationship with me and basically *all* of my other closest friends had disappeared, including the man I was talking about above. There were different reasons why for each but it left a resonating song of despair and heartbreak in my heart. It was like a break-up heartbreak times a trillion. Even with my new found joy - this pain sang loudly in my heart. What had shifted from pre-2011 is that now...I wasn't running from the pain. I sat with it, sobbed with it. I gave up, with it. Surrendering to my overwhelming feelings...I didn't try to change anything I was feeling - I was simply present. I allowed thoughts like, "I seriously can't do this anymore." run freely through my mind. In the past, giving up was never something I'd even consider. But, compassion had replaced my fear. I didn't feel like fighting myself, anymore. Nor, did I have the strength to.
In those darkest moments, I discovered just how much I can rely on myself. For once the sobbing had subsided, I would console myself...I would reaffirm my worthiness and that I did truly love myself. That I could trust myself to be compassionate and be a friend throughout my entire life. I could feel something in my own heart shifting.
Now, here we are, at the ending of this year and I am about to have a conversation I wouldn't really ever imagined having. I am willing to go to a place where there isn't sunshine...I am willing to go to the depths of despair because I know that I am *not* alone and that I do have a friend in myself. I know that my worthiness, my invincibility and my eternal nature cannot be taken from me. I will go there. I am also willing to not be torn in two by it - but to blossom from walking into the storms of my own heart. I am willing not to be torched by the dragon that watches over the gold but to become mutually understanding of one another.
Whatever the case, I believe in the source of that sunlight and there is something very brave and free coming from that source. "I'm not afraid, I was born for this."
Outside, tonight, I was trembling and feeling the waves of sadness wash over me to be once again about to possibly lose a deep connection with someone who means more to me than words will ever explain. The whispers of, "See how alone you actually are." came creeping in. I let that familiar, yet still powerful, darkness over take me with tears. And true to the shift that has continually been happening this year when reaching that state...something began to shift. I knew I'd be okay, even if everything I was fearing did come true. I could feel the pain and how it was actually a deep, deep love welling up from within my being. It was almost sensual in nature...I thought of my father putting his hand on a tree and feeling pain then the tree telling him that what he was feeling was love but because of his perception, he only felt pain.
Then I stumbled across this video;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgmVOuLgFB0
I smiled because I knew, I knew that the obstacles - the pain before me is what is propelling me forward. It's what wakes me up, keeps me motivated. A surfer doesn't pause the waves from coming...they keep getting knocked down by them again and again - finally, they will learn more and more how to ride those waves. They aren't looking to stop the waves, they seem them as being the very thing which propels them forward.
2013 was a year of deep love, letting go, discovery and recovery. A year of building trust with myself. Releasing a lot of the old to let in the new. It was a decision on whether I truly wanted to continue living here or not. I've chosen to Continue.
2014 is a year about Continuing vs. being paralyzed. I want to truly live my life - authentic with that deep love and reverence. I want to face the unknown courageously and with an open heart. I accept the possibility of it being one of the most awe-inspiring years yet, to date. I embrace the idea of pure magic unfolding and truly stepping into my truest potential ! I see it being a year of radiance, new discoveries - allowing in the new...stepping into the new, living the new. Emerging as a butterfly. Walking my talk more than I can even imagine possible
2014 is going to blow my mind in the most beautiful, amazing, magical ways possible ~
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Awakening
There is something to spending time with just yourself. It hurts to feel alone - it's not that I don't enjoy space, independence...my "me" time.
It's that sensation of being alive and no one even knowing. It's that sensation of not hearing anything but your own breath. It's that sensation of not remembering what it feels like to be touched, to be held, to be heard.
I have felt for a while now that my lesson is learning to be *okay* being on my own. To be able to be with myself and feel joy. I do! I feel so much love, excitement and creativity floating through me. I am still drawn, forever, to connect. It's a need - just like eating food, sleeping or breathing. I need connection.
I don't think that life has been wanting me to lack connection but rather to be *able* to hear myself. Even when you are with yourself...you don't have to listen. You can listen to music, you can cry...You can eat, you can drink...You can watch movies or indulge your mind in something other than your own presence.
You can forget that you're the one making every single decision...since you were born. I have always been the one moving my own fingers and blinking my own eyes. It may have felt like people have made decisions for me - it may have even felt like God/dess has made decisions for me...But, always, I have had the choice.
I think *that's* why it's important to spend time with yourself. You can do that with other people around. I think that may be the root of addiction - not facing yourself. Maybe that's why even God/dess gets really quiet during these times so that I can hear myself. It's not that Spirit won't be around to support me - they always are - but rather they're giving me space to hear my own voice, my own inner knowing.
Maybe that's what meditation is all about...letting go of all other stimulus and tuning into *you*. It may be silent but a language is spoken that doesn't need words.
Just meditated*
I realize that always, always, always should I tune into *me*. The me which chooses. I could "hear" like in 2011...They said, "You came back because you are afraid." I told them that wasn't the reason...
I was afraid but my reason for unknowingly coming back was to connect with the me which chooses.
The first thing I heard was, "Elizabeth!! I'm afraid!!" And then it was as if I was calling for Elizabeth - it's like there is a part of me that is on auto-pilot...my body awareness and then there is my soul. That's what it is!! There is the body & there is the soul. The soul is originating from my chest, that's what it feels like...the soul consciousness and the body consciousness comes from the brain. [all speculation]
I need to tune into my feelings and the me which chooses. I can connect but if I numb myself out with other voices, thoughts...things then I won't be able to truly hear myself. Letting go of all other stimulus.
For YOU are the one that makes the decisions...not the other stimulus. If you wonder if God/dess doesn't like this - just know that she/he is celebrating. For as you are empowered...the whole universe is empowered. This is awakening.
It's that sensation of being alive and no one even knowing. It's that sensation of not hearing anything but your own breath. It's that sensation of not remembering what it feels like to be touched, to be held, to be heard.
I have felt for a while now that my lesson is learning to be *okay* being on my own. To be able to be with myself and feel joy. I do! I feel so much love, excitement and creativity floating through me. I am still drawn, forever, to connect. It's a need - just like eating food, sleeping or breathing. I need connection.
I don't think that life has been wanting me to lack connection but rather to be *able* to hear myself. Even when you are with yourself...you don't have to listen. You can listen to music, you can cry...You can eat, you can drink...You can watch movies or indulge your mind in something other than your own presence.
You can forget that you're the one making every single decision...since you were born. I have always been the one moving my own fingers and blinking my own eyes. It may have felt like people have made decisions for me - it may have even felt like God/dess has made decisions for me...But, always, I have had the choice.
I think *that's* why it's important to spend time with yourself. You can do that with other people around. I think that may be the root of addiction - not facing yourself. Maybe that's why even God/dess gets really quiet during these times so that I can hear myself. It's not that Spirit won't be around to support me - they always are - but rather they're giving me space to hear my own voice, my own inner knowing.
Maybe that's what meditation is all about...letting go of all other stimulus and tuning into *you*. It may be silent but a language is spoken that doesn't need words.
Just meditated*
I realize that always, always, always should I tune into *me*. The me which chooses. I could "hear" like in 2011...They said, "You came back because you are afraid." I told them that wasn't the reason...
I was afraid but my reason for unknowingly coming back was to connect with the me which chooses.
The first thing I heard was, "Elizabeth!! I'm afraid!!" And then it was as if I was calling for Elizabeth - it's like there is a part of me that is on auto-pilot...my body awareness and then there is my soul. That's what it is!! There is the body & there is the soul. The soul is originating from my chest, that's what it feels like...the soul consciousness and the body consciousness comes from the brain. [all speculation]
I need to tune into my feelings and the me which chooses. I can connect but if I numb myself out with other voices, thoughts...things then I won't be able to truly hear myself. Letting go of all other stimulus.
For YOU are the one that makes the decisions...not the other stimulus. If you wonder if God/dess doesn't like this - just know that she/he is celebrating. For as you are empowered...the whole universe is empowered. This is awakening.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Gardens of Love
Come into my arms
Here, I am rest
You've been holding so much inside for too long
Come
Be with me
I'll give you rest
I'll show you tenderness
Lay your head down
Deeply breathing you in
There is softness here
soothing depths of the ocean
Rest
let me loosen the burden
Heal
gardens of love
blossom within
Here, I am rest
You've been holding so much inside for too long
Come
Be with me
I'll give you rest
I'll show you tenderness
Lay your head down
Deeply breathing you in
There is softness here
soothing depths of the ocean
Rest
let me loosen the burden
Heal
gardens of love
blossom within
Just for Today
Just for today,
I'll look into my own eyes
And will believe in what I see
I will believe in what I feel
There is no need to remember what is real
It's all around me
The songs of my past and future
I can't escape my truth
It's already what I'm doing that matter to me now
I don't need to know how
If I can only open up
And not wait for all the right moments
I know that somehow
Somehow
Somehow
You'll remember that I'm here
You'll believe that I can be
I can be
all that I am to you
I want to remember
That this is my life
Your heart
It glows and I can't look away because something about it makes me believe that there is another chance here for me. Have I really made a mistake that I can't change? Have I really hurt you too badly? Can I not change? Is this my fate? Will I, will I ever see you again?
I want to remember those words you told me I was young
I want to remember the life that I had when I was your age. It wasn't fair, you see. I wanted to know so much but I didn't let my heart believe. I wanted to believe.
I want to believe.
I want you to know me
I want you to know me
I want you to know me
I want
I want
I want you to love me
And if you can see me, then maybe I'll see me
And maybe I'll believe
And maybe the day will be all that I've dreamed
And maybe I won't be afriad
And maybe me heart will awaken
And maybe I won't be broken
And maybe my life will be free
Free
FRee
FReedom comes in the
night
But I want freedom
Just for today
I want freedom to set me free and more to believe
That I can fly to the highest places
There is no limitation.
I want to believe that
I want to believe in you
I want to believe in me
and I want you to now me
Can you still see me?
Why am I crying? I know you're still with me
There is no reason to be afraid, you say.
And I want to remember that.
If there is a moment
When you need my help
All you must do is call for me
A moment, just like this one
You were waiting for me on the other side
I knew it wasn't long now, until my hands were in yours
IT wasn't long now till I could rest, this heart is heavy
It's not wanting to keep pushing passed own boundaries
It's not long now
Until you're heart is one with mine
I knew that this moment would come and the sun would shine again
It seems like moments can break you
But somehow my heart isn't broken
Somehow, I still can believe in what I don't see
And I still want to love you, just the way that you are
I know that this moment is going to last me forever
This is the moment I've been dreaming of
I know that you will always be my friend
Thank-you
For always being my friend
Thank-you
For your support
Thank-you
For all the times that you held me when I was afraid of this experience
Thank-you for all the times you have loved me
Thank-you for everything you are to me
And I want to hold you when you need me
I want to hold you close to me
I want to send you all love that my heart holds
I want to kiss your lips
and sing you songs
of joy and freedom
Of joy and flight
through this beautiful blue sky
that is still open to us
We haven't lost all
And when do it's just because we're about to awaken
We're about to bloom
My heart is still beating and I'm still inlove with you
I know that you know me
I know that you know me
I know
I know that you love me
I know that you care
I know that I will always
Be here with you
In this unbreakable.
I'll look into my own eyes
And will believe in what I see
I will believe in what I feel
There is no need to remember what is real
It's all around me
The songs of my past and future
I can't escape my truth
It's already what I'm doing that matter to me now
I don't need to know how
If I can only open up
And not wait for all the right moments
I know that somehow
Somehow
Somehow
You'll remember that I'm here
You'll believe that I can be
I can be
all that I am to you
I want to remember
That this is my life
Your heart
It glows and I can't look away because something about it makes me believe that there is another chance here for me. Have I really made a mistake that I can't change? Have I really hurt you too badly? Can I not change? Is this my fate? Will I, will I ever see you again?
I want to remember those words you told me I was young
I want to remember the life that I had when I was your age. It wasn't fair, you see. I wanted to know so much but I didn't let my heart believe. I wanted to believe.
I want to believe.
I want you to know me
I want you to know me
I want you to know me
I want
I want
I want you to love me
And if you can see me, then maybe I'll see me
And maybe I'll believe
And maybe the day will be all that I've dreamed
And maybe I won't be afriad
And maybe me heart will awaken
And maybe I won't be broken
And maybe my life will be free
Free
FRee
FReedom comes in the
night
But I want freedom
Just for today
I want freedom to set me free and more to believe
That I can fly to the highest places
There is no limitation.
I want to believe that
I want to believe in you
I want to believe in me
and I want you to now me
Can you still see me?
Why am I crying? I know you're still with me
There is no reason to be afraid, you say.
And I want to remember that.
If there is a moment
When you need my help
All you must do is call for me
A moment, just like this one
You were waiting for me on the other side
I knew it wasn't long now, until my hands were in yours
IT wasn't long now till I could rest, this heart is heavy
It's not wanting to keep pushing passed own boundaries
It's not long now
Until you're heart is one with mine
I knew that this moment would come and the sun would shine again
It seems like moments can break you
But somehow my heart isn't broken
Somehow, I still can believe in what I don't see
And I still want to love you, just the way that you are
I know that this moment is going to last me forever
This is the moment I've been dreaming of
I know that you will always be my friend
Thank-you
For always being my friend
Thank-you
For your support
Thank-you
For all the times that you held me when I was afraid of this experience
Thank-you for all the times you have loved me
Thank-you for everything you are to me
And I want to hold you when you need me
I want to hold you close to me
I want to send you all love that my heart holds
I want to kiss your lips
and sing you songs
of joy and freedom
Of joy and flight
through this beautiful blue sky
that is still open to us
We haven't lost all
And when do it's just because we're about to awaken
We're about to bloom
My heart is still beating and I'm still inlove with you
I know that you know me
I know that you know me
I know
I know that you love me
I know that you care
I know that I will always
Be here with you
In this unbreakable.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Chakra Activation
September 14, 2013
Chakra Activation:
I went outside and it was a beautiful day, the wind was cool and the sky was clear blue. It reminded me of how Mt. Shasta's weather felt. Butterflies were fluttering about and a hummingbird kept on buzzing around the porch. I had a small smile on my face as I rested blissfully outside and slurped on my yummy oranges.
I could feel my connection with the world around me - the plants were whispering to me and I could see in my mind eye...sweet fae playing and even one coming up to the porch to say hello to me. :)
I decided I would do a chakra activation meditation and really ground in this openness I was feeling.
I began by speaking out loud that I was going to activate my chakra - I believe in the power of spoken word.
I started with my Root chakra. At first, I didn't feel much but I allowed myself to sink into the moment and just relax. As I did, I felt a sense of confident assurance and green energy snaking down from underneath me to meet the Earth. I find it interesting that sometimes I experience very much what others do with chakra's and other times I have my own unique experience with them.
I moved to my Sacral chakra and imagined the yummy energy I feel when I am sexually active and feeling really amazing about it. It's kind of a sparkly, tingly energy...like being excited about a dream coming true! It spilled through-out my entire body and filled me with this delicious feeling.
I went on to my Solar Plexus and was reminded of that cool energy I used to feel in body when I was younger. I remember that I didn't know where it came from but I would push and strain until I simply couldn't stand the overwhelming power of the energy in my body. I didn't know anything about chakra's at the time or energy...It was just an odd feeling that I was playing with. Now, I can feel that it orginates in my Solar Plexus and it probably connected with Kundalini energy, as well. The Solar Plexus is like a sun in my being - it can either shine brightly or go inward like a black hole. As I activated it, I felt confidence swirl around me. It also lit up my heart space. I don't feel my Solar Plexus active as much because of my fearfulness that I've been experiencing, lately. I barely feel human when it's very active. There is a sense of fearlessness that is uncommon for me.
I cleared out some pollution in my Solar Plexus and it felt good. :)
Then it was time to connect with my heart chakra - I did sense it as green and it usually gets washed in golden energy. I felt the world around me and I ALLOWED Universal love - and love from both the moon and the sun...It's that feeling that makes you feel a bit teary-eyed.
I then saw a cute catipillar and this awesome garden spider on the porch. I stood up on the steps of the porch and watched the blue sky as I prepared to go to my throat chakra.
The cicada's were singing and I could hear them with "new ears". As I listened I spoke aloud, "Now, my throat chakra. For those song birds who came before me." I imagined my throat chakra as a blue, multifaceted jewel...I felt myself being extremely activated and even as cars passed by my house - I continue standing tall and proud. It felt a bit awkward but it didn't feel good to break the energy I was holding.
Then, above me, a huge shadow flew across the land and I saw a hawk gliding over me - just above my head. It is amazing to receive these sort of signs!
Next, was my third eyes which is already pretty active so it was just tapping into that and connecting it with all of my other chakra's. I felt beauty...and intense energy all around me - in the heavens and celestial energies moving. I saw this triangular energy covering over the earth and I thought in my mind, "I bless you all." It's so awesome because in the past my anger is what would have come through but because my heart truly wants to bless all, that is what happened. The core inside my heart has healed in many ways - it has release a lot of my anger but being able to express it. :)
I felt almost inhuman because of the energy going through my body...My BODY felt inhuman but my mind was still very human. Soooo, I knew that it was time to activate my crown chakra...which activates the mind and gives clarity/wisdom.
I activate my crown chakra and my mind does come into alignment...I feel more clarity, simplicity and connection. It felt a little bit less "inhuman" and more - "connected".
Then, my cat brought up a little rodent and wanted to play with it and eventually kill it. I felt uncomfortable by this. Should I save the rodent? Would it be sending a message to my cat that what she is doing is WRONG - when it's something natural to her? Should I interfere or not?
I eventually let her into the house and she stopped playing with the rodent but then wanted to go back out...She might have killed it but I don't know yet. I am interested to see what my lesson with that is.
My goal is to see how long I can remain in an activated state - how can I integrate this into my daily life? I enjoy feeling activated! :)
Chakra Activation:
I went outside and it was a beautiful day, the wind was cool and the sky was clear blue. It reminded me of how Mt. Shasta's weather felt. Butterflies were fluttering about and a hummingbird kept on buzzing around the porch. I had a small smile on my face as I rested blissfully outside and slurped on my yummy oranges.
I could feel my connection with the world around me - the plants were whispering to me and I could see in my mind eye...sweet fae playing and even one coming up to the porch to say hello to me. :)
I decided I would do a chakra activation meditation and really ground in this openness I was feeling.
I began by speaking out loud that I was going to activate my chakra - I believe in the power of spoken word.
I started with my Root chakra. At first, I didn't feel much but I allowed myself to sink into the moment and just relax. As I did, I felt a sense of confident assurance and green energy snaking down from underneath me to meet the Earth. I find it interesting that sometimes I experience very much what others do with chakra's and other times I have my own unique experience with them.
I moved to my Sacral chakra and imagined the yummy energy I feel when I am sexually active and feeling really amazing about it. It's kind of a sparkly, tingly energy...like being excited about a dream coming true! It spilled through-out my entire body and filled me with this delicious feeling.
I went on to my Solar Plexus and was reminded of that cool energy I used to feel in body when I was younger. I remember that I didn't know where it came from but I would push and strain until I simply couldn't stand the overwhelming power of the energy in my body. I didn't know anything about chakra's at the time or energy...It was just an odd feeling that I was playing with. Now, I can feel that it orginates in my Solar Plexus and it probably connected with Kundalini energy, as well. The Solar Plexus is like a sun in my being - it can either shine brightly or go inward like a black hole. As I activated it, I felt confidence swirl around me. It also lit up my heart space. I don't feel my Solar Plexus active as much because of my fearfulness that I've been experiencing, lately. I barely feel human when it's very active. There is a sense of fearlessness that is uncommon for me.
I cleared out some pollution in my Solar Plexus and it felt good. :)
Then it was time to connect with my heart chakra - I did sense it as green and it usually gets washed in golden energy. I felt the world around me and I ALLOWED Universal love - and love from both the moon and the sun...It's that feeling that makes you feel a bit teary-eyed.
I then saw a cute catipillar and this awesome garden spider on the porch. I stood up on the steps of the porch and watched the blue sky as I prepared to go to my throat chakra.
The cicada's were singing and I could hear them with "new ears". As I listened I spoke aloud, "Now, my throat chakra. For those song birds who came before me." I imagined my throat chakra as a blue, multifaceted jewel...I felt myself being extremely activated and even as cars passed by my house - I continue standing tall and proud. It felt a bit awkward but it didn't feel good to break the energy I was holding.
Then, above me, a huge shadow flew across the land and I saw a hawk gliding over me - just above my head. It is amazing to receive these sort of signs!
Next, was my third eyes which is already pretty active so it was just tapping into that and connecting it with all of my other chakra's. I felt beauty...and intense energy all around me - in the heavens and celestial energies moving. I saw this triangular energy covering over the earth and I thought in my mind, "I bless you all." It's so awesome because in the past my anger is what would have come through but because my heart truly wants to bless all, that is what happened. The core inside my heart has healed in many ways - it has release a lot of my anger but being able to express it. :)
I felt almost inhuman because of the energy going through my body...My BODY felt inhuman but my mind was still very human. Soooo, I knew that it was time to activate my crown chakra...which activates the mind and gives clarity/wisdom.
I activate my crown chakra and my mind does come into alignment...I feel more clarity, simplicity and connection. It felt a little bit less "inhuman" and more - "connected".
Then, my cat brought up a little rodent and wanted to play with it and eventually kill it. I felt uncomfortable by this. Should I save the rodent? Would it be sending a message to my cat that what she is doing is WRONG - when it's something natural to her? Should I interfere or not?
I eventually let her into the house and she stopped playing with the rodent but then wanted to go back out...She might have killed it but I don't know yet. I am interested to see what my lesson with that is.
My goal is to see how long I can remain in an activated state - how can I integrate this into my daily life? I enjoy feeling activated! :)
Friday, September 13, 2013
The Magical Plant Nursery
The Magical Plant Nursery -
Part Two!
The Spring had sprung and all the magic plants had found new homes....But as Fall Equinox approached, Ellie was called to a new mission...
It was time to go to the Source, the birthing place of the magic. Hidden within a small village, behind enormous tree's was Barton's - the Source plant nursery.
It was here where the plants grew from saplings and then left to their prospective magical nurseries or with plant magic contractors.
Just like with the other plant nursery, no one knew her true identity. The day Ellie was called she went on an adventure to find this hidden nursery...She almost missed it but their owl found her and guided her to the Source nursery.
Even though they didn't know her identity, they knew that she had worked at Collier's which was one of the most qualified magic nurseries in the kingdom. She had a little bit of pull and this nursery wanted her there.
~
Part Two!
The Spring had sprung and all the magic plants had found new homes....But as Fall Equinox approached, Ellie was called to a new mission...
It was time to go to the Source, the birthing place of the magic. Hidden within a small village, behind enormous tree's was Barton's - the Source plant nursery.
It was here where the plants grew from saplings and then left to their prospective magical nurseries or with plant magic contractors.
Just like with the other plant nursery, no one knew her true identity. The day Ellie was called she went on an adventure to find this hidden nursery...She almost missed it but their owl found her and guided her to the Source nursery.
Even though they didn't know her identity, they knew that she had worked at Collier's which was one of the most qualified magic nurseries in the kingdom. She had a little bit of pull and this nursery wanted her there.
~
Monday, August 5, 2013
Unconditional Worth
Something that has really aided my growth is to realize that my self worth is unconditional. Often times, a person tries to find there self worth in everything.
Worth comes from having a job, working hard, being a nice person, being beautiful, being well liked, being trustworthy, getting a lot accomplished, being extremely spiritual....ect.
I believe that self worth doesn't have to be found in anything but is inherently there simply by existing. As a person cultivates this love and trust in themselves...others around them seem to act similarly towards them and even towards themselves.
My definition of morals is a bit different. Usually, your morals are what keeps you from being a bad person. Bad implies evil, i.e unworthy and/or not deserving of love. My definition is that going against your morals is doing something that is destructive/unhealthy to yourself and your core. Rather than being a good person when you listen to your morals you are letting yourself unfold as an individual.
This is why everyone's morals are different because everyone is unique...So what helps one to personally unfold and express themselves in an empowering/healthy way could be totally different from another.
We are all connected so we begin suppressing another group or person for our own empowerment...We are effected negatively by that person being "x"ed out.
If you're out of a job and you're working to get one...It might be easy to feel like you're a burden to those around you...To start feeling bitter and having low self esteem. This really won't help you find a job and may even hinder the process...It certainly sucks the fun right out of life.
Instead, if you realize that your self worth and right to be loved is unconditional then you will see the reason why you want a job isn't to make you a "good person" but because there is an energy exchange going on. You are receiving - so it's important to be giving to balance out the energy exchange. Imagine it as there being one weight on the end of a pole and you're trying to stand in the middle of this pole. If you put the same amount of weight on the other end of the pole than you will be able to easily stand in the middle.
Life flows so much better and is even a lot more fun when I see that it's never about my self worth or right to be loved and instead that I am literally playing a game. A serious one, at that. This game has certain parameters to it and one of them is living in a way which empowers and helps you to unfold or living in a way which does not. When things don't go my way, when I mess up...slip up, F up, I don't have to take it so darn personally and remember that this is a game! It's a game of experience. When I can forgive myself and allow myself to let love flow into my heart...than this game is a lot more fun and beneficial to play. It can help me to relax...Take a deep breath and remember there really is no way I have to do anything. Just adjusting to what works with my energy - finding that balance. Sometimes it's a series of experimenting what does and doesn't work Which is why forgiveness is pivitol and the remembrance that I am unconditionally worthy. It's stop being about that and being truly more like an experiment. I don't have to over personalize as much but observe, experience, play.
Worth comes from having a job, working hard, being a nice person, being beautiful, being well liked, being trustworthy, getting a lot accomplished, being extremely spiritual....ect.
I believe that self worth doesn't have to be found in anything but is inherently there simply by existing. As a person cultivates this love and trust in themselves...others around them seem to act similarly towards them and even towards themselves.
My definition of morals is a bit different. Usually, your morals are what keeps you from being a bad person. Bad implies evil, i.e unworthy and/or not deserving of love. My definition is that going against your morals is doing something that is destructive/unhealthy to yourself and your core. Rather than being a good person when you listen to your morals you are letting yourself unfold as an individual.
This is why everyone's morals are different because everyone is unique...So what helps one to personally unfold and express themselves in an empowering/healthy way could be totally different from another.
We are all connected so we begin suppressing another group or person for our own empowerment...We are effected negatively by that person being "x"ed out.
If you're out of a job and you're working to get one...It might be easy to feel like you're a burden to those around you...To start feeling bitter and having low self esteem. This really won't help you find a job and may even hinder the process...It certainly sucks the fun right out of life.
Instead, if you realize that your self worth and right to be loved is unconditional then you will see the reason why you want a job isn't to make you a "good person" but because there is an energy exchange going on. You are receiving - so it's important to be giving to balance out the energy exchange. Imagine it as there being one weight on the end of a pole and you're trying to stand in the middle of this pole. If you put the same amount of weight on the other end of the pole than you will be able to easily stand in the middle.
Life flows so much better and is even a lot more fun when I see that it's never about my self worth or right to be loved and instead that I am literally playing a game. A serious one, at that. This game has certain parameters to it and one of them is living in a way which empowers and helps you to unfold or living in a way which does not. When things don't go my way, when I mess up...slip up, F up, I don't have to take it so darn personally and remember that this is a game! It's a game of experience. When I can forgive myself and allow myself to let love flow into my heart...than this game is a lot more fun and beneficial to play. It can help me to relax...Take a deep breath and remember there really is no way I have to do anything. Just adjusting to what works with my energy - finding that balance. Sometimes it's a series of experimenting what does and doesn't work Which is why forgiveness is pivitol and the remembrance that I am unconditionally worthy. It's stop being about that and being truly more like an experiment. I don't have to over personalize as much but observe, experience, play.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
The Future is a Blank Canvas -Teal Scott
You know how sometimes you get stuck in this loop, this endless pattern where something you don't like - keeps on showing up in your experience? And years of it happening turn into more years, by this point...You think it's just "how things are." It's happened so much for so long, it feels like it's part of...who you are. So, you think to yourself; "if this is something I can't escape then I've gotta' learn how to deal with it." You start learning how to deal with things that you don't like. "That's just the way things are." And being an adult is learning to deal with it.
I felt pretty brave, I felt pretty strong. I would find a way to deal with it. Then, I went through an intense spiritual experience that burst my bubble. Things changed that had become ingrained as a part of who I was. I experienced that whatever my focus was, was literally the reality I was choosing for myself. "I'm not sure I can make it..." Immediately I would KNOW I wasn't going to make it, voices would affirm and I would feel my energy dropping - I could intuitively feel the universe responding in tandem and creating that world for me.
"I know that I can make it." My whole being would light up with a knowing that I would make it, voices affirming me and the whole universe creating the reality for me.
No one, who was there then, would've thought I would have made it out. But I came back, fully functioning and SHINING. I realized that the future is a blank canvas.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqSlinFtPQY
I felt pretty brave, I felt pretty strong. I would find a way to deal with it. Then, I went through an intense spiritual experience that burst my bubble. Things changed that had become ingrained as a part of who I was. I experienced that whatever my focus was, was literally the reality I was choosing for myself. "I'm not sure I can make it..." Immediately I would KNOW I wasn't going to make it, voices would affirm and I would feel my energy dropping - I could intuitively feel the universe responding in tandem and creating that world for me.
"I know that I can make it." My whole being would light up with a knowing that I would make it, voices affirming me and the whole universe creating the reality for me.
No one, who was there then, would've thought I would have made it out. But I came back, fully functioning and SHINING. I realized that the future is a blank canvas.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqSlinFtPQY
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Sometimes to Heal...
Sometimes, the first step in healing is saying that you don't want what has happened to have happened. That you don't want to accept it, or accept it happening to you. Sometimes, realizing what I don't want to accept helps bring about change. As a warrior type, I have been prone to "deal with it". Deal with the pain, deal with the anger, the resentment...I can handle it, mentality. But, what I am saying is that sometimes the first step to healing is admitting what you don't want to handle. This shows you your boundaries, it shows you your authentic feelings.
I awoke today, fearful about my brother. I got the feeling of, "Why do I have to be okay with him leaving me? Why do I have to just pick up and go on when someone has put into the Universe that it's okay to turn their back on me...To walk away." I realized that I had a pattern of feeling like someone has been "breaking up" with me my entire life. It was always me trying to hold the pieces together, it was always me who was left behind...alone, not cared about and having to fend for myself. This is the story repeating itself for me. I, of course, am still here so I survived every time that happened to me but my old method was finding a way to tell myself that it was okay...It was okay that they walked away...Even going so far as to understand where they were coming from. It wasn't that way in the beginning. In the beginning I threw fits...It was the end of the world and I would blaze with anger. I would create drama. When I saw how that didn't change anything and it only hurt the one's I loved...and myself, I stopped. It then changed to me trying to understand the bigger picture, to be strong, to be okay with it.
Now, I have realized that, that hurts me and it also doesn't allow there to be a catalyst for change. Sometimes, you NEED to say, "I'm not okay with this." So you can stop allowing yourself to be in an unhealthy situation or relationships. It's healthy to have boundaries and to say no.
I prayed and I feel the potential of our relationship and the potential of healing for all involved. I can feel on the energetic level that things have shifted and Source hears my heart. I release old patterns and "curses" which hold us back...I want to step into the light. I want true healing for my family. For my own heart. And I said, "I don't want this to be reality." Then it was interjected by my mom, "Something even better than before." Yes...Something even better than before, no matter how that may unfold...But I imagine we'll both heal and come together, again. The fear lessened...Because, I know, "Ask and you shall receive". The healing is here, now. I'm glad that I no longer want to accept or unconsciously choose for myself, a reality where I feel rejected, abandoned, and unloved. It's not true...It's actually awe-inducing how untrue that really is. There's always been someone there, every step of the way. No one walks the path for me, but I know my friends and family will be there with a helping hand if ever I need it. I know my God/dess will be there, always, smiling...supporting...loving. I know I AM there, for me. :) I know I am loved, accepted and worthy. I would like to start consciously creating that as a reality for myself.
I awoke today, fearful about my brother. I got the feeling of, "Why do I have to be okay with him leaving me? Why do I have to just pick up and go on when someone has put into the Universe that it's okay to turn their back on me...To walk away." I realized that I had a pattern of feeling like someone has been "breaking up" with me my entire life. It was always me trying to hold the pieces together, it was always me who was left behind...alone, not cared about and having to fend for myself. This is the story repeating itself for me. I, of course, am still here so I survived every time that happened to me but my old method was finding a way to tell myself that it was okay...It was okay that they walked away...Even going so far as to understand where they were coming from. It wasn't that way in the beginning. In the beginning I threw fits...It was the end of the world and I would blaze with anger. I would create drama. When I saw how that didn't change anything and it only hurt the one's I loved...and myself, I stopped. It then changed to me trying to understand the bigger picture, to be strong, to be okay with it.
Now, I have realized that, that hurts me and it also doesn't allow there to be a catalyst for change. Sometimes, you NEED to say, "I'm not okay with this." So you can stop allowing yourself to be in an unhealthy situation or relationships. It's healthy to have boundaries and to say no.
I prayed and I feel the potential of our relationship and the potential of healing for all involved. I can feel on the energetic level that things have shifted and Source hears my heart. I release old patterns and "curses" which hold us back...I want to step into the light. I want true healing for my family. For my own heart. And I said, "I don't want this to be reality." Then it was interjected by my mom, "Something even better than before." Yes...Something even better than before, no matter how that may unfold...But I imagine we'll both heal and come together, again. The fear lessened...Because, I know, "Ask and you shall receive". The healing is here, now. I'm glad that I no longer want to accept or unconsciously choose for myself, a reality where I feel rejected, abandoned, and unloved. It's not true...It's actually awe-inducing how untrue that really is. There's always been someone there, every step of the way. No one walks the path for me, but I know my friends and family will be there with a helping hand if ever I need it. I know my God/dess will be there, always, smiling...supporting...loving. I know I AM there, for me. :) I know I am loved, accepted and worthy. I would like to start consciously creating that as a reality for myself.
Friday, July 12, 2013
Guide Inside
Hello, friends!
So, it's been some time since I've last made a post here...
I want to begin by talking about something that is on my mind and heart, right now. I sometimes think about if I ever have a daughter...the things that I would say to her. Or what I'd like to say to the young girls growing up.
When it comes to romance, don't be afraid to completely reshape the rules. I think the most important thing that you will ever have to comes to terms with is respect for yourself. And before that, you have to know what "yourself" looks like to know how to respect and love that girl you see in the mirror.
People will lift you up, fill your heart up like never ending sunlight...People will knock you down, heart breaking in your hands. God, there's so much I want to share with you...How a girl like me found a smile that no one can erase.
I never really could fit into the rules, in the first place. It simply didn't work! I laugh now because I am so glad that I was a mistfit in the terms of my society. If I hadn't of been, would I be able to write this to you all, now?
Second most important thing, you have to make a map of being alone and even feeling loneliness. The one person you're going to be with for the rest of your life, no matter what is...you guessed it, yourself. This person is going to be everything to you - she'll be your best friend, sometimes. You'll hear, "I'm so great!" From time to time. She's also going to be the one you fight with the most...the one who hurts like no other. Feel that thump, thump, thumpity in your chest? It'll be there on the days when you are screaming with laughter and think it couldn't get any better, when you're standing on top of the universe and flying through the winds of change...It'll be there on those dark nights of the soul, snot dripping from your nose and tears leaving your face raw. It'll be there when you feel like you couldn't get any lower. It will be there when you give yourself to another for the first time and when you pass on your last breath to the those you love.
When you love and respect yourself, when you can sit with your own self - through terrifying grief or bewildering joy...Then, you are ready to look into the eyes of another and say, "I can give you all of my being without asking you to save me from myself." I didn't discover this on my own, we rarely do. It's funny really. The one who showed me true love was an angel. Can you believe it? Someone you can't physically touch or hear them whisper to you that their favorite thing is your smile. But, have you ever heard a song that stopped you in your tracks and makes you want to freeze time, "Don't stop. This feeling, it must not stop." It's true that there is love which changes everything. It's true that you can feel a love which makes all the doubts you've ever had disappear. It's more than chemical.
Third, don't settle an don't be afraid to take chances. There are literally an infinite amount of possibilities for your life. If only you could see life as your delicious buffet...It's an empty canvas and you are the artist. Put whatever colors on there, experiment - find what you enjoy. You may want to color in blacks some nights or the next in pink and blue and white or all the colors of the rainbow. Soak in all of the emotions, you don't have to be afraid of them. Or the thoughts and beliefs in your head. I wish I could give you this peace.
Lastly, trust you inner knowing light. There isn't a set way to go about life and I don't think you can really go wrong...just some things are really, really horrible to experience. Experience your creativity...take up an art. Take time to breathe and just be. Take time to sit outside and watch the world breathe and just be. I'll tell you from experience that some of it will just come with experience so you don't have to worry about understanding it all, right now. That really takes the fun out of it, anyway! Trust that there is a higher power out there that is helping you the entire time...when your heart breaks - listen...listen really carefully...God is in the rain.
I love you so much and I can say this because my heart is open, tonight.
Ellie
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Intentions
A new opportunity, a door has been opened before me. Beautiful guidance appeared in my mind, "The door has been opened: Come. Ask for courage from within to take that epic step into the light." My bravery is being called forth, once again.
I am watching the world we are all living in - I feel love, as I always have. I also see the wars and the chaos, the pain. I am not turning a blind eye by what I am doing and by my path. I was once someone who thought that things were achieved by will force. I remember having these dreams where I would be disagreeing with a friend about something and as it continued my friend would not stand down from her opinion. So I would get angrier and my friend would always stop talking...stop listening. This made me even more angry and I would start to scream. I'd scream because she wouldn't listen and because I couldn't force her to. I felt powerless. But she wouldn't budge, no matter what and often would turn back with cold words. In these dreams - my belief that I could force anything to happen was disproved.
Often have I experienced and seen that the very thing I dislike and I resist, I become. I'm not looking to throw things down or to set net laws over people. I may hold for the dream of world peace but not by a tyranny for that isn't truly peace. My inner wisdom tells me that by each individual awakening to their individual paths and regaining a connection or continuing to have an true connection with something greater than themselves - however they may call it or see it or believe it, an entire transformation will take place. That as each person unfolds...we all will. There is no need to destroy, not for me. Stand in my truth and stand my ground, yes. But I no longer want to use my will over other's. This is of course, the ideal. I will fall and make mistakes but it is my focus and my direction which holds my intentions that will move me.
I have taken on an internship with Charis Brown and for me, it is that step towards my greatest of intentions. I no longer want to hide my beliefs or what truly matters to me. I do believe that I can support your journey towards unfolding and that you can support me. We truly are all in this together, either way. I wish to imbue this life with uplifting others and supporting the manifestation of heaven on earth. So, I will promote and support healing, finding your true path and your personal unfoldment. I understand the need for the shadow, for the sick and for the decay...I allow that, I also continue to put my focus on my intentions. That we can truly be free from the chains that bind that which we truly are. This is my dream made manifest...these very words that I write. All my dreams before me have come to pass and I had been wondering what my new dream would be - this is the most epic dream I've ever dreamed. It does scare me and many voices within doubt it and beg me to be realistic...the fear of walking down a road that will be beyond challenging.
This is no longer a question of whether or not it's the right thing for me - my heart has spoken, the door has opened. "Come." This is my choice, may it be my voice.
Doubts appear along the path, always...always. They continually remind me of what is reasonable, what is realistic and what is not possible. They're meant to keep me grounded.
But my heart tells me to be true to who I am...This, I have found, is far the most important wisdom I can seek. Let me not be discouraged by fear but understand it's purpose. It asks me not to be blase about my choices...to take true consideration and stand with confidence. I ask for courage now as I walk into the light - my feet are dirty and I have glanced back many times. Here I am - with open arms and I give what true, authentic intentions I have.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Come, the doors of your heart are open ~
I have questioned many, many things and sometimes I've gotten really amazing answers.
One question that I've asked many times would be, "What is my path?"
I see not only that I have a great interest in all sorts of things but also that infinite possibilities lay before me and there truly isn't a right or wrong way to go about it. Some paths may be more self gratifying than others...some paths may make more people say, "good job!" & some may give me more security but these are not must's nor do they take away from life; for this life we are here to experience any and all that we may choose. I cannot say that one is better than the other, at this point in my life.
Where shall I go? What shall I do? I have a passion for many things...
At this point in my life, I have really been enjoying peace, clarity and groundedness as new experiences. I have been wanting to expand more on speaking my truth and sharing with my community.
Yet, there have been many times where I have considered living alone in the woods or some beautiful secluded life and living a peaceful life. Why not? Recently, someone said the very same thing. They had come to the realization that they would be limiting themselves if they didn't connect with others. For others enhance this life so much. It's true, I can truly experience myself through others. "Other's" are rich with unique perspectives. I have also found that there are no words for loving another...sharing gifts and receiving them.
I have been inspired by so many on the creative, spirit infused path that I am on and sometimes I will feel intimidated. How can I speak and share?
My spirit informs me that this question is needed, no more. I share my gifts from the heart and the rest comes naturally with practice. I heard this really great quote from a movie based around the art of cooking Ramen and the mother of the Sensei said to the student,“Sometimes too much technical training can get in the way. You cook with your head. Your head is full of noise. You must learn to cook from the quieter place deep inside of you. Each bowl of ramen you prepare is a gift to your customer. The food that you serve your customer becomes a part of them. It contains your spirit. That’s why your ramen must be an expression of pure love. A gift from your heart.” The student was silent for a moment and said, “I don’t know anything about love. Every time I feel it, it’s gone. It disappears. And all I have left is pain and sadness.”
That's when the mother said, "“Begin by putting your tears into your broth.”
I thought of how creating anything, whether it be a yummy broth...whether it be a picture or a house...or a relationship - those words hold wisdom. The mind can be so noisy, to create from the heart...& even if one doesn't know love, one can always start with their tears. Right now, that is where I am starting...some tears and some laughter, all in one.
Come
One question that I've asked many times would be, "What is my path?"
I see not only that I have a great interest in all sorts of things but also that infinite possibilities lay before me and there truly isn't a right or wrong way to go about it. Some paths may be more self gratifying than others...some paths may make more people say, "good job!" & some may give me more security but these are not must's nor do they take away from life; for this life we are here to experience any and all that we may choose. I cannot say that one is better than the other, at this point in my life.
Where shall I go? What shall I do? I have a passion for many things...
At this point in my life, I have really been enjoying peace, clarity and groundedness as new experiences. I have been wanting to expand more on speaking my truth and sharing with my community.
Yet, there have been many times where I have considered living alone in the woods or some beautiful secluded life and living a peaceful life. Why not? Recently, someone said the very same thing. They had come to the realization that they would be limiting themselves if they didn't connect with others. For others enhance this life so much. It's true, I can truly experience myself through others. "Other's" are rich with unique perspectives. I have also found that there are no words for loving another...sharing gifts and receiving them.
I have been inspired by so many on the creative, spirit infused path that I am on and sometimes I will feel intimidated. How can I speak and share?
My spirit informs me that this question is needed, no more. I share my gifts from the heart and the rest comes naturally with practice. I heard this really great quote from a movie based around the art of cooking Ramen and the mother of the Sensei said to the student,“Sometimes too much technical training can get in the way. You cook with your head. Your head is full of noise. You must learn to cook from the quieter place deep inside of you. Each bowl of ramen you prepare is a gift to your customer. The food that you serve your customer becomes a part of them. It contains your spirit. That’s why your ramen must be an expression of pure love. A gift from your heart.” The student was silent for a moment and said, “I don’t know anything about love. Every time I feel it, it’s gone. It disappears. And all I have left is pain and sadness.”
That's when the mother said, "“Begin by putting your tears into your broth.”
I thought of how creating anything, whether it be a yummy broth...whether it be a picture or a house...or a relationship - those words hold wisdom. The mind can be so noisy, to create from the heart...& even if one doesn't know love, one can always start with their tears. Right now, that is where I am starting...some tears and some laughter, all in one.
Come
Friday, May 17, 2013
Into the light
"I'm still with you even when you're gone."
Faces of the the past appear, I see memories that I cherish. There was an unspoken promise between my brother and I...You know, the beginning of my life was sort of like that.
I've experienced what some have said will keep one from suffering - such a magical family and life growing up as a child & then a true love with Kiye. Why is it that I still suffer or ever have doubts? But it makes me think that it's a waste to be too consumed with not suffering. Rather, cultivating HEALTH. & usually health calls for a balanced life.
I can feel it, it'll be one year since I lost both of my brother's. It feels like when the family split up...I feel myself being changed by it, though it's sometimes through tears. There always seemed to be this unspoken promise between my brother and I - but, and I know this may sound strange...I feel freer. I really feel like this chapter in my life is ending. And all this grief is coming to the surface. Because, slowly but surely, I am stepping into the light. My heart is lifting and I am letting go of the things which hurt me in unhealthy ways.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_TpBrDG21E
Faces of the the past appear, I see memories that I cherish. There was an unspoken promise between my brother and I...You know, the beginning of my life was sort of like that.
I've experienced what some have said will keep one from suffering - such a magical family and life growing up as a child & then a true love with Kiye. Why is it that I still suffer or ever have doubts? But it makes me think that it's a waste to be too consumed with not suffering. Rather, cultivating HEALTH. & usually health calls for a balanced life.
I can feel it, it'll be one year since I lost both of my brother's. It feels like when the family split up...I feel myself being changed by it, though it's sometimes through tears. There always seemed to be this unspoken promise between my brother and I - but, and I know this may sound strange...I feel freer. I really feel like this chapter in my life is ending. And all this grief is coming to the surface. Because, slowly but surely, I am stepping into the light. My heart is lifting and I am letting go of the things which hurt me in unhealthy ways.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_TpBrDG21E
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Spectacular Stars
I am astonished that we are not all outside everynight staring up and looking at the stars. We credit ourselves to be an advanced race and yet we can still feel boredom...There's no reason to feel bored...there's no reason to not just be in awe of existence. Except that maybe we run more on instincts than we realize.
Even our brains, we use so very little of!
If we start feeling bored - it may be a good idea to go out in nature, explore science...experience miracles. It can be small but we are truly these spectacular beings walking around and we don't even realize it. We are SO awesome and the more aware we become, the more evident it will be.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
May my heart remain Open
So today, when I woke up - I asked for blockages to be released...especially around the throat chakra and immediatly, all the relationships in my life which were unhealthy blockages - appeared with the blockages. From uncomfortable luncheon's to unwanted phone calls. Mom even mentioned how surreal the day felt and I saw that Saturn was orbiting very close to the Earth.
I chose not to struggle with the struggle but instead use it as the jumping board for my growth. I wanted to test the new theory that the contraction we experience - the pain, is literally growing/birthing pains. That this contraction was a build up of intense energy to help facilitate a birth of some sort.
There is a practice called ecstatic birth where the mother understands the rhythms of her body well enough to flow with the contractions and instead of feeling intense pain, she feels intense...ecstasy or bliss.
I wanted to test the theory that if we can flow with the contractions or our pain, we may to experience ecstasy during our birthing process. So as our new self is reborn, we are surrounded by love.
I took a warm bath, and submerged in the water...just like the women her birth naturally - I really became in touch with all of my feelings within my body. I didn't hide away from it but brought my attention - the light of awareness, to it.
I felt all my chakra's connecting in a new one, new pathways opening. Once I stop the uncomfortable feelings were still there so I moved with the energy once again. I kept my mind focused on the intention. Something interesting happened as I was in that water...I remembered that in my morning meditation I had called in my Shadow Self along with my Light Body self. I wondered if this was an integration of more of my Self. I saw that pain brought you into your body. If you're feeling pain it's hard to be "somewhere else". I think we may even crave pain sometimes to really feel IN our body. The body likes to actually FEEL our intense emotions, so if we flow with it and our present with it, I think that is possibility of how it could turn to Bliss.
Anyway, I remembered my Shadow Self and I called upon my that aspect of myself...That aspect of myself appeared above me and I felt nothing but love...I used to always feel like my Shadow Self felt misunderstood by me and left out. My Shadow Self wanted nothing more from me...My Shadow Self felt totally accepted and respected the path I am on.
I felt how it was safe to be all that I am, in this place. Music began to play that sounded like celestial voices...I felt my being rising with these sounds...I remembered that intensity doesn't have to be painful...it doesn't have to feel like you are enduring...It can feel like you are flying. But I didn't force myself to stop feeling pain. I allowed this joyous vibration to pass through me...I didn't hold onto...I just watched it. And in my mind's eye...I saw a glowing golden orb...it shined as if it were under water. It was at peace and so was I. I didn't reach out for it and it came closer to me, revealed that it was a translucent globe.
I thought of Kiye and how he never made me feel like he was going to take anything from me...He gave and his need was fulfilled but he would never take from me without me sharing in the giving...I thought of the Celestine Prophecy and how they spoke on us all becoming our own power houses of energy and that we would give without needing to take power from others. But the best part is that we would both be giving and receiving to one another without energy vamping either of each other. Two whole's coming together...
It all begins with holding an intention...Bravely following through.
I can connect to a never ending energy which fully enlivens me? Source? I am already connected - so is it opening the blockages which hold back this Source energy?
May my heart remain open
May I be at peace
May I awaken to the light of my own true nature
May I be healed
May I be a source of healing for all life.
I chose not to struggle with the struggle but instead use it as the jumping board for my growth. I wanted to test the new theory that the contraction we experience - the pain, is literally growing/birthing pains. That this contraction was a build up of intense energy to help facilitate a birth of some sort.
There is a practice called ecstatic birth where the mother understands the rhythms of her body well enough to flow with the contractions and instead of feeling intense pain, she feels intense...ecstasy or bliss.
I wanted to test the theory that if we can flow with the contractions or our pain, we may to experience ecstasy during our birthing process. So as our new self is reborn, we are surrounded by love.
I took a warm bath, and submerged in the water...just like the women her birth naturally - I really became in touch with all of my feelings within my body. I didn't hide away from it but brought my attention - the light of awareness, to it.
I felt all my chakra's connecting in a new one, new pathways opening. Once I stop the uncomfortable feelings were still there so I moved with the energy once again. I kept my mind focused on the intention. Something interesting happened as I was in that water...I remembered that in my morning meditation I had called in my Shadow Self along with my Light Body self. I wondered if this was an integration of more of my Self. I saw that pain brought you into your body. If you're feeling pain it's hard to be "somewhere else". I think we may even crave pain sometimes to really feel IN our body. The body likes to actually FEEL our intense emotions, so if we flow with it and our present with it, I think that is possibility of how it could turn to Bliss.
Anyway, I remembered my Shadow Self and I called upon my that aspect of myself...That aspect of myself appeared above me and I felt nothing but love...I used to always feel like my Shadow Self felt misunderstood by me and left out. My Shadow Self wanted nothing more from me...My Shadow Self felt totally accepted and respected the path I am on.
I felt how it was safe to be all that I am, in this place. Music began to play that sounded like celestial voices...I felt my being rising with these sounds...I remembered that intensity doesn't have to be painful...it doesn't have to feel like you are enduring...It can feel like you are flying. But I didn't force myself to stop feeling pain. I allowed this joyous vibration to pass through me...I didn't hold onto...I just watched it. And in my mind's eye...I saw a glowing golden orb...it shined as if it were under water. It was at peace and so was I. I didn't reach out for it and it came closer to me, revealed that it was a translucent globe.
I thought of Kiye and how he never made me feel like he was going to take anything from me...He gave and his need was fulfilled but he would never take from me without me sharing in the giving...I thought of the Celestine Prophecy and how they spoke on us all becoming our own power houses of energy and that we would give without needing to take power from others. But the best part is that we would both be giving and receiving to one another without energy vamping either of each other. Two whole's coming together...
It all begins with holding an intention...Bravely following through.
I can connect to a never ending energy which fully enlivens me? Source? I am already connected - so is it opening the blockages which hold back this Source energy?
May my heart remain open
May I be at peace
May I awaken to the light of my own true nature
May I be healed
May I be a source of healing for all life.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
I Found Peace
Sometimes, the "right way" just escapes us completely. Where should I go?
A dear friend once told me, "If you can't do 'The Thing'...do the next best thing. Take the next step on the path."
We have big dreams...or maybe we're not even sure what our dreams our but we just know we want this life of our to hold meaning...somehow. Well, this can cause us to hold high expectations of ourselves. Often times, they can be so high that they are unrealistic...it's not that they are unachievable but that the way we want to achieve them is not considering in the effort and time it will actually take.
Having high intentions are not un-useful when we factor in that time and effort will be needed to complete it. Sometimes it happens quicker than we expect...sometimes it's a slow brew.
When we don't know where to turn, sometimes it's just the act of turning...turning with the intention of whatever our heart is longing for.
Can we be comfortable not "knowing"? Relaxing into and trusting...How profound that can be. Ask, ask, ask...don't be afraid to ask. Ask for the little signs and then watch. Record it...listen to everything.
How did I know you were real?
Just as I know I am real.
How did I know our love mattered?
Because it does. There are no doubts. This love is unchanging.
I found peace
I found peace
I found peace
I didn't even care about it
Why would I? I loved the burn
It's what I yearned for
Nothing else but the burn
Let's me burst into those flames
I didn't even know I was longing for you, lovely one
There was a silence which didn't haunt
Clarity
Smooth breaths
I am left unafraid
I've never felt this way
Never knew I could
Never knew I even wanted to
Your smile is sincere
I laugh and there is nothing holding me back
Why wouldn't I be in love with everything?
Why wouldn't I be thankful for everything?
This isn't mine
This isn't mine
For I don't know where I end and you begin
This light will bring hope to the brother's and sister's
I can't keep it in, any longer
You all must know
What I've always known
This isn't going to drown us
We're flying
We're all flying!
It just isn't going to stop, keeps going
It's opening up the gates, now
Don't stop
You're almost there,
Don't stop!
It's breaking the barriers
We can't run away because we're ALIVE
Live Live Live
It's NOW
We're opening up,
We're breaking free
None of us can see
It's all about your soul
And me
Take this truth and transform it
A dear friend once told me, "If you can't do 'The Thing'...do the next best thing. Take the next step on the path."
We have big dreams...or maybe we're not even sure what our dreams our but we just know we want this life of our to hold meaning...somehow. Well, this can cause us to hold high expectations of ourselves. Often times, they can be so high that they are unrealistic...it's not that they are unachievable but that the way we want to achieve them is not considering in the effort and time it will actually take.
Having high intentions are not un-useful when we factor in that time and effort will be needed to complete it. Sometimes it happens quicker than we expect...sometimes it's a slow brew.
When we don't know where to turn, sometimes it's just the act of turning...turning with the intention of whatever our heart is longing for.
Can we be comfortable not "knowing"? Relaxing into and trusting...How profound that can be. Ask, ask, ask...don't be afraid to ask. Ask for the little signs and then watch. Record it...listen to everything.
How did I know you were real?
Just as I know I am real.
How did I know our love mattered?
Because it does. There are no doubts. This love is unchanging.
I found peace
I found peace
I found peace
I didn't even care about it
Why would I? I loved the burn
It's what I yearned for
Nothing else but the burn
Let's me burst into those flames
I didn't even know I was longing for you, lovely one
There was a silence which didn't haunt
Clarity
Smooth breaths
I am left unafraid
I've never felt this way
Never knew I could
Never knew I even wanted to
Your smile is sincere
I laugh and there is nothing holding me back
Why wouldn't I be in love with everything?
Why wouldn't I be thankful for everything?
This isn't mine
This isn't mine
For I don't know where I end and you begin
This light will bring hope to the brother's and sister's
I can't keep it in, any longer
You all must know
What I've always known
This isn't going to drown us
We're flying
We're all flying!
It just isn't going to stop, keeps going
It's opening up the gates, now
Don't stop
You're almost there,
Don't stop!
It's breaking the barriers
We can't run away because we're ALIVE
Live Live Live
It's NOW
We're opening up,
We're breaking free
None of us can see
It's all about your soul
And me
Take this truth and transform it
Monday, March 25, 2013
A Courageous Flight
I experienced my lowest low in 2011. I lost all hope & I had always believed that, that would be the day I lost everything. But what I lost was the chains which bound me. And today, three year later, I never would have guessed that life could be this wonderful. I never would have guessed I would love again, I would laugh & smile again...I would NEVER guess that I would recover & use what happened as a means for me not just to survive but to thrive.
And yet, here I am.
Believe in that heart, it matters not the struggle, there can always be restoration from even the most broken heart.
You. Are. Never. Too. Late. Start exactly where you are. <3
That one moment in the middle of 2011, I had no idea where my journey would take me.
Death was only the beginning, for as the old me died...the new stood at the wide-open, front door and breathed in the sunlight. "I want to actually enjoy my life. Why can't I?" And everything in me...listened.
From that place, I continued. I wanted more time to enjoy all that life was & I realized all it took was a shift in perception.
The next wave hit when the pain came back. Heartbreak, havoc - the storms were pounding again! It didn't take long for me to see that I couldn't consciously stop it from coming. So, I took a different approach...I filled my heart with compassion for the pain. "Integration, not suppression."
Out of the darkness, I stood. I have been transformed & I now I can fly! Because this darkness has made me stronger, it has made me brave. I let fear fall off of my shoulders like tumbling drapes & reveal my nakedness...my strength.
I am not just a lover but a courageous lover. For I have fallen in love with this life and I will fight, I will surrender...I can walk into the fire and not get burned.
"I am the Creator of my own reality both consciously & subconsciously" has freed me. I have touched the face of my own power....once again. I had wondered where Source fit into that idea...What I was told was this, "You are thinking of Source as a being which is separate from you."
How can help but think my doubtful thoughts? I had wondered. "It's really more that you begin to see life as this delicious buffet and so you are only interested in paying attention to that which you love, enjoy & can have fun with. So from focusing on what you don't want to get what you do want to focusing on what you do want & getting what you want in that very moment just by focusing on it."
It took a lot of compassion to get here...And looking at myself in the mirror and saying out loud that I am my own friend. That I will face whatever comes with love & respect & the best of my abilities for this precious being that, I am.
I am not going to put myself down, anymore. I am incredibly courageous! I have strength that withstands any storm. There is no reason for me to put myself down over mistakes. I make room for huge mistakes! I set the intention that I see the lesson in each one and that each one awakens me to Source within & within out.
This life is so, so beautiful...so delicious. I want to savor each bite, not hurry through the meal and forget what it even was in the next moment. I don't want to spend my life worrying about what might be but rather celebrating what is and what can be. There's no room for suppression, I allow myself to feel what I feel & I integrate it.
I remember this dream I had about a prisoner. He had always been a slave...he knew nothing else & he didn't question it. One day he had a friend come along who saw the beauty in him and decided he would take him away as his own slave so he would be safe from his cruel slave master.
But, as his friend treated him different than a slave...he began to feel like he wasn't one and began interacting with his friend as though he were on the same level. One day, they got into a heated argument and it made his friend so mad that him punished him like would be expected if he normally treated him as a slave.
This broke the slave's spirit and he released himself to the pain both physically and emotionally. His friend began to feel bad about what was going on & didn't know what to do. He went back to the slave master to find out if there was any way to legally free a slave.
The slave master gave him a cool grin, "All a slave has to do to be free is to say they are free and free themselves. Then, legally, they are free forever."
Of course, none of the slave's knew this and most of them never tried to escape out of fear.
~
The dream cuts over to the next scene. The friend is in the room with his slave friend who is chained up in frightening gear & in a lot of pain...not really awake. The friend begins to play Tool - Schism...& the song seeps into the subconscious of the slave & somehow he knows that his friend was encouraging him to fight.
He envisions his old slave master, he can hear his voice telling him he is worthless. In the past, he always felt fear but this time he shoved the image of his old slave master out of the window. "No!"
Light burst forth from his heart, through the pain he began to shake against the prison he was in. With strength he didn't know he had, he ripped himself free & as his friend pretended to sleep...he escaped his old life.
It didn't matter if the law said he was or wasn't free, anymore. In his heart, he was a free man. No one could change that.
It's a brand new time, for me. I found a brand new kind of free.
The flames are no longer burnin' me, nope, because the flame is now my heart...burning with love and lighting up all of who I am.
I think the change really happened in me when I realized that I can trust myself.
Most recently, I really felt it when I was crying my eyes out...I almost felt overcome by the grief I felt in my heart. I thought, "There is no way this can be happening." Then I stopped and said, "No...what I need right now is my courage, my faith."
It comes to the point where I just don't want to do that dance, anymore. I am through letting my heart break and not being there for myself. I will feel my pain but I am not a victim & so I won't wear that as my truth, anymore. I will not wear the truth that I am unwanted, unworthy, or that I wasn't enough to DESERVE to have a happy, healthy life...That I somehow deserved going through what I did. Or that life simply doesn't care and all there is cruelness. Which is so not true...I've experienced such love, compassion, friendship, understanding that it blows my mind. From others, from myself, from Source. & when I put a little bit of faith in that, it seems I can walk through the fire without getting burned.
& Here are some songs to inspire!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRZIMxVZNos Alicia Keys - Brand New Me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZw2CB_Ir_w Alicia Keys - This Girl's on Fire
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Jyi5WGPBFo&list=LL1GJwBnio8HmS8i2j2m1bkg Baek Ji Young ~ That Woman
& the reason for this last song is because it's this feeling of being inlove that I cherish ~ I invite in more...because we are worth it all.
Really, so much joy has come from the surrender, as well. Releasing my fears, my worries. Just accepting where I am with compassion & relaxing into my life. We don't have to struggle to thrive. Life flows naturally...find that flow, move with it, dance with it - sing with the birds!
Just breathe, take in this moment...drink it all in...feel your body...Here we are!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsgP8LkEopM&list=LL1GJwBnio8HmS8i2j2m1bkg Nahko Bear -Aloha Ke Akua
Nemaste, the divine in me bows to the divine in you!!!
Ellie aka Wild Fyeah
And yet, here I am.
Believe in that heart, it matters not the struggle, there can always be restoration from even the most broken heart.
You. Are. Never. Too. Late. Start exactly where you are. <3
That one moment in the middle of 2011, I had no idea where my journey would take me.
Death was only the beginning, for as the old me died...the new stood at the wide-open, front door and breathed in the sunlight. "I want to actually enjoy my life. Why can't I?" And everything in me...listened.
From that place, I continued. I wanted more time to enjoy all that life was & I realized all it took was a shift in perception.
The next wave hit when the pain came back. Heartbreak, havoc - the storms were pounding again! It didn't take long for me to see that I couldn't consciously stop it from coming. So, I took a different approach...I filled my heart with compassion for the pain. "Integration, not suppression."
Out of the darkness, I stood. I have been transformed & I now I can fly! Because this darkness has made me stronger, it has made me brave. I let fear fall off of my shoulders like tumbling drapes & reveal my nakedness...my strength.
I am not just a lover but a courageous lover. For I have fallen in love with this life and I will fight, I will surrender...I can walk into the fire and not get burned.
"I am the Creator of my own reality both consciously & subconsciously" has freed me. I have touched the face of my own power....once again. I had wondered where Source fit into that idea...What I was told was this, "You are thinking of Source as a being which is separate from you."
How can help but think my doubtful thoughts? I had wondered. "It's really more that you begin to see life as this delicious buffet and so you are only interested in paying attention to that which you love, enjoy & can have fun with. So from focusing on what you don't want to get what you do want to focusing on what you do want & getting what you want in that very moment just by focusing on it."
It took a lot of compassion to get here...And looking at myself in the mirror and saying out loud that I am my own friend. That I will face whatever comes with love & respect & the best of my abilities for this precious being that, I am.
I am not going to put myself down, anymore. I am incredibly courageous! I have strength that withstands any storm. There is no reason for me to put myself down over mistakes. I make room for huge mistakes! I set the intention that I see the lesson in each one and that each one awakens me to Source within & within out.
This life is so, so beautiful...so delicious. I want to savor each bite, not hurry through the meal and forget what it even was in the next moment. I don't want to spend my life worrying about what might be but rather celebrating what is and what can be. There's no room for suppression, I allow myself to feel what I feel & I integrate it.
I remember this dream I had about a prisoner. He had always been a slave...he knew nothing else & he didn't question it. One day he had a friend come along who saw the beauty in him and decided he would take him away as his own slave so he would be safe from his cruel slave master.
But, as his friend treated him different than a slave...he began to feel like he wasn't one and began interacting with his friend as though he were on the same level. One day, they got into a heated argument and it made his friend so mad that him punished him like would be expected if he normally treated him as a slave.
This broke the slave's spirit and he released himself to the pain both physically and emotionally. His friend began to feel bad about what was going on & didn't know what to do. He went back to the slave master to find out if there was any way to legally free a slave.
The slave master gave him a cool grin, "All a slave has to do to be free is to say they are free and free themselves. Then, legally, they are free forever."
Of course, none of the slave's knew this and most of them never tried to escape out of fear.
~
The dream cuts over to the next scene. The friend is in the room with his slave friend who is chained up in frightening gear & in a lot of pain...not really awake. The friend begins to play Tool - Schism...& the song seeps into the subconscious of the slave & somehow he knows that his friend was encouraging him to fight.
He envisions his old slave master, he can hear his voice telling him he is worthless. In the past, he always felt fear but this time he shoved the image of his old slave master out of the window. "No!"
Light burst forth from his heart, through the pain he began to shake against the prison he was in. With strength he didn't know he had, he ripped himself free & as his friend pretended to sleep...he escaped his old life.
It didn't matter if the law said he was or wasn't free, anymore. In his heart, he was a free man. No one could change that.
It's a brand new time, for me. I found a brand new kind of free.
The flames are no longer burnin' me, nope, because the flame is now my heart...burning with love and lighting up all of who I am.
I think the change really happened in me when I realized that I can trust myself.
Most recently, I really felt it when I was crying my eyes out...I almost felt overcome by the grief I felt in my heart. I thought, "There is no way this can be happening." Then I stopped and said, "No...what I need right now is my courage, my faith."
It comes to the point where I just don't want to do that dance, anymore. I am through letting my heart break and not being there for myself. I will feel my pain but I am not a victim & so I won't wear that as my truth, anymore. I will not wear the truth that I am unwanted, unworthy, or that I wasn't enough to DESERVE to have a happy, healthy life...That I somehow deserved going through what I did. Or that life simply doesn't care and all there is cruelness. Which is so not true...I've experienced such love, compassion, friendship, understanding that it blows my mind. From others, from myself, from Source. & when I put a little bit of faith in that, it seems I can walk through the fire without getting burned.
& Here are some songs to inspire!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRZIMxVZNos Alicia Keys - Brand New Me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZw2CB_Ir_w Alicia Keys - This Girl's on Fire
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Jyi5WGPBFo&list=LL1GJwBnio8HmS8i2j2m1bkg Baek Ji Young ~ That Woman
& the reason for this last song is because it's this feeling of being inlove that I cherish ~ I invite in more...because we are worth it all.
Really, so much joy has come from the surrender, as well. Releasing my fears, my worries. Just accepting where I am with compassion & relaxing into my life. We don't have to struggle to thrive. Life flows naturally...find that flow, move with it, dance with it - sing with the birds!
Just breathe, take in this moment...drink it all in...feel your body...Here we are!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsgP8LkEopM&list=LL1GJwBnio8HmS8i2j2m1bkg Nahko Bear -Aloha Ke Akua
Nemaste, the divine in me bows to the divine in you!!!
Ellie aka Wild Fyeah
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Endless
"Other people have the pieces for your soul and the reason they have them rather than you having them is because that is what brings us together." Dad has said something similar to me..."Maybe the reason why you don't have all the answers on your own is so that you can connect with others?"
In my reading, she also said, "You see your gifts now and you feel limited. But you are infinite, you are not limited. You are so used to be a stranger in your own skin that now that you are being who you truly are - it feels a bit awkward."
I'm in that time of waiting right before the storm. Except, the storm is me really unfolding as a person. I am about to step into and more fully embody that person. It's so close I can almost taste it but not yet! Now, in this time of waiting - I prepare.
I plan to go on a vision quest, or journeying of sorts and I believe I will be ready. Life is like a wave - you have a high vibe day and a low vibe day. "You already contain so much light." I know what happened in 2011 and it's time to step into it. The possibilities are endless...ENDLESS! lol
<3
Ellie
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
I trust you, Gomu [God of my understanding]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8JU_q3sdgII
"I will learn to love again."
I have found myself asking "Why?!"
I have found myself wondering if there will ever be a day when I don't have to be heartbroken.
But something I've started to realize is that for whatever reason, this is my life, right now and I feel like I am going to spend a whole lot of time trying not to be heartbroken and then look back and see that I was too busy with that to really live.
I like to learn from my mistakes and a lot of times if I keep doing this same thing and getting the same results that I'm not really to fond of...well, I will stop doing it and try something new. But this is different...I am not going to try and stop from being heartbroken - it's easy to say to take risks and be open even if you get hurt. All I know, is that when I get knocked down...I don't want to only get up and keep living...I want to get up and keep thriving. Because that's what I want ~ I don't want to walk through this life closing all my doors and with a heavy heart all the time. Maybe all the heart ache inside of me will never go away completely - not in this life and I know there will probably still be days where I bawl my eyes out. We all have bad days. But, I want to put my faith in this pure, empowering love that exists in me and exists in others.
"We're all scared, but that's not a reason to run away." It's not a reason to run away from other people, myself or what truly matters to me...what I truly love.
Let if flow, let it go. I believe that as I begin to cultivate trust with my Gomu [God of my understanding <3], that whether it's rain or shine...I'm going to get better and better at riding those waves. Because life is a lot like surfing.
"Life is a lot like surfing because if you get caught in the impact zone you've got to get back up because you never know what may be over the next wave." -Soul Surfer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOzH1ycoBYQ&sns=fb
"I will learn to love again."
I have found myself asking "Why?!"
I have found myself wondering if there will ever be a day when I don't have to be heartbroken.
But something I've started to realize is that for whatever reason, this is my life, right now and I feel like I am going to spend a whole lot of time trying not to be heartbroken and then look back and see that I was too busy with that to really live.
I like to learn from my mistakes and a lot of times if I keep doing this same thing and getting the same results that I'm not really to fond of...well, I will stop doing it and try something new. But this is different...I am not going to try and stop from being heartbroken - it's easy to say to take risks and be open even if you get hurt. All I know, is that when I get knocked down...I don't want to only get up and keep living...I want to get up and keep thriving. Because that's what I want ~ I don't want to walk through this life closing all my doors and with a heavy heart all the time. Maybe all the heart ache inside of me will never go away completely - not in this life and I know there will probably still be days where I bawl my eyes out. We all have bad days. But, I want to put my faith in this pure, empowering love that exists in me and exists in others.
"We're all scared, but that's not a reason to run away." It's not a reason to run away from other people, myself or what truly matters to me...what I truly love.
Let if flow, let it go. I believe that as I begin to cultivate trust with my Gomu [God of my understanding <3], that whether it's rain or shine...I'm going to get better and better at riding those waves. Because life is a lot like surfing.
"Life is a lot like surfing because if you get caught in the impact zone you've got to get back up because you never know what may be over the next wave." -Soul Surfer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOzH1ycoBYQ&sns=fb
This video link I just posted is a video called "Buddha Had Bad Days." It is a very synchronous video for many different reasons. But it stood out immediately to me because I had just finished watching Soul Surfer with mom.
It poses the idea that the pain, the "hardships" are the very catalysts for where I am now...just like catching a big wave. It's not about stopping the waves from coming but learning to ride them.
To be completely honest...You wanna know a big reason why I don't want to stay stuck in heartbreak...Why I am open to forgiving others and myself...why I want to keep believing in those things that matter to me and trust?
Because life is so freaking fantastic!! I don't want to miss out. Hahaha! It's like someone telling me I need to clean up my room before I can go out and play...Well, I am willing to do that. And as I start cleaning up my room...it just so happens that I benefit from that, as well. Just like forgiving and keeping my heart open to release or sometimes to FEEL the pain!
This girl just doesn't want to give up, I'm having too much fun here.
Once before, when I was younger, I sensed this as a truth and so I decided I was "never going to give up." But that became an identity, "The girl who never gives up."
The problem with something like that is that it is inflexible to growth and usually gets busted from the pressure.
It's not that I never have thought of calling it quits, in many different ways and situations. And I HAVE given up, closed up shop or closed my heart before. I'll be the first one to tell you that anything is possible. That's why unconditional Love is so rad.
It's not that I never have thought of calling it quits, in many different ways and situations. And I HAVE given up, closed up shop or closed my heart before. I'll be the first one to tell you that anything is possible. That's why unconditional Love is so rad.
No telling what might happen, but in this moment now
I'm thankful to be here and I choose to trust.
Ellie
A New Queen
I'm learning that growing up isn't about putting away all that is childish and burying the magic of life and imagination. It's learning to become your own parent.
And even though, we are usually taught to forget about imagination and the magic of life after a certain age...there are still those wise one's who remember and who can assist in one's maturation process.
From a Princess to a Queen...The ideal isn't perfection but gracefully embracing mistakes and learning from them. It's not pride but confidence. To me, growing up is just learning to take responsibility...of course things change from when you were a child but in my eyes ~ it can only get better.
Our human parents are supposed to be our guides...so why would our guides share things of magic...things like Santa Clause or anything fantastical that gets a child's imagination running wild. Why would children be encouraged to have fun, be happy and know that they are loved - if they were not being guided towards such a life when they go out on their own? This doesn't exclude responsibilities and anyone who really DOES go off on their own for a short period of time see's the important of such things like "cleaning up after yourself" ect. But when does having fun stop being important? When does imagination, magic, joy...all those things stop holding value for us? They don't. Every parent knows this as they are raising their children...hoping that when their child goes out into the world on their own they will still know such magic, imagination and joy.
So, as a new Queen, all I can do is pick up where my human parents left off.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Free to Struggle
"We're free to struggle, we're not struggling to be free."
Wow, wow, wow...I think I just got a new perspective on all of this! I wanted to find a "better way" as I spoke in my earlier blog...
The lesson I learn when I reach those depths of despair is that I am bankrupt when I close my heart to Love. I don't have to wait for the chaos storm. I am able to open my heart, right here and now. Maybe, that's been the whole point all along. Is it about letting love back in? What would happen if I surrendered completely to this love?
"I have overcome death."
Death has already been overcome...It's not about finding Heaven or True. It's here, it's now. Waking up is synonymous with being born. But waking up means becoming aware of something that is currently there. Wouldn't that be what an awakening is? Awareness of what is already here. I can awaken!!!!
"I have overcome death,"...It's ringing in my head, over and over. It's a battle I don't have to fight because it's already been won.
I think about the women who do natural, orgasmic births. They talk about how they can choose to move with the energy and that it naturally feels orgasmic but they could also let themselves slip into it being painful.
If everything is energy than can we choose to let the pain become orgasmic, in a sense? What if every moment was a prayer? What if the energy that flowed through, we wouldn't close ourselves to? Let it flow ~ that is the pain that feels so wrong.
Actually, sex teaches us fundamental things about life and ourselves. In that moment of pain where I finally surrender...It doesn't feel like I am surrendering out of choice but I am surrendering to the pain and frustration because I feel hopeless and it's too overwhelming. It feels like abuse. It feels like "it is against my will."
I will meditate more one this! <3
Elizabeth
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Dogs
"A dog has no use for fancy cars or big homes or designer clothes. Status symbol means nothing to him. A waterlogged stick will do just fine. A dog judges others not by their color or creed or class but by who they are inside. A dog doesn't care if you are rich or poor, educated or illiterate, clever or dull. Give him your heart and he will give you his. It was really quite simple, and yet we humans, so much wiser and more sophisticated, have always had trouble figuring out what really counts and what does not. As I wrote that farewell column to Marley, I realized it was all right there in front of us, if only we opened our eyes. Sometimes it took a dog with bad breath, worse manners, and pure intentions to help us see." - Josh Grogan
Last night, I dreamed about my dog Mac and he died again, in my dream. Tonight, I watched Marley and Me and Marley dies at the end. I felt my throat tighten with sadness...and then it was gone...All of the sudden, it felt as if I had been captured with magic.
Marley really wasn't gone...Now Marley lived in me. Do we ever truly die? Our energy lives on...
For a moment, I wondered if life was like listening to a song for the very first time. All songs start and all songs end but they come from a place of endless, infinite song ~ this song is the heart. What if our lives are the same? An expression of the heart...
I am asking a question, right now...Is there a better way? Is there something more? I think maybe there is...I think it is related to living Heaven on Earth. I'm not sure if there wouldn't be a sacrifice, though. Because I think it means giving up an ending...I think it means we'd stop dying. But I also think it's connected to me being able to fly, metaphorically and literally.
Are we ready, I ask? Then, I think of that pain and I think of how it just doesn't feel right to me. I think we are ready. I we are ready to stop dying. Hmm, I think we are ready to stop forgetting. If what I have learned is true, than most of this suffering comes from amnesia. We chose this amnesia for ourselves when we incarnated. But like a butterfly, it might be time for us to wake up.
Sometimes, when it becomes too painful to stay inside a "pod" anymore, one must burst free as an become a butterfly.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Shoujo Manga
Oh me, I always love reading my shoujo manga. I was introduced to manga by my friend Emily when I was 13/14 and I grew to love it. I remember when I first discovered shoujo manga and I would stay up all night into the morning reading it. It's a similar experience with my love-y Korean drama's which are usually based off of a shoujo type manga.
It's one of the few things that makes me bubbly happy. I will smile real big and giggle and with a really good shoujo manga, my heart will soar. I always am drawn to the pure and kind spirit of the way many of the mangaka's write. Of course, it's totally my "budding young girl" thing, as well. I used to be embarrassed of that part of me but now it brings me much joy. Not to mention how hilarious they are to me! I love to watch the crazy way the mangaka will draw the characters and how silly they act. It's about the same way in the Korean drama's. I remember when I first discovered it, I felt like I had come home.
Tonight, I stopped and reflected upon my past love ~ "Love is a wonderful thing." Love of a brother, a father, a mother and a friend. I thought of romance and blushing bright red. I thought of passion and I thought of those moments of encouragement. I thought of being curled up in a ball with my brother as we both cried our eyes out...I thought of all these beautiful, intimate moments...And I smiled, "Love is a wonderful thing." Those moments come and those moments pass. I am thankful for each one of them.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Return to Innocence
"Believe in something, not because it's the truth but because it makes you a better person to believe it."
I believed in Kirene and I wanted to write that story.
I broke down over my heart ache about Samuel ~ I screamed and asked the question "Why?!!!" Mother comforted me and touched my face. I realized that she knew what it felt like and didn't have the answers but she loved me - she wanted to comfort me, anyway. "I have to believe love and light prevails." There was no escaping the pain and I wanted to know why I would choose this for myself.
I saw the white feather and it said it represented connection to the spirit and innocence, peace.
I felt God there because of the love of my mother and because of the synchs such as, "There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning." Mother said this to me after I had been thinking about it earlier that day. And the "You are beautiful card"
The next day mother and I talked about how things were changing in the Universe, we talked about the Indigo children and how there is a real new, world, a new paradigm. How a lot of us are wanting to live Heaven on Earth. We experienced energies in Pat's class but there is also something very important we learned in Mark's about connecting with the heart, fully accepting and loving all of who we are.
I made a video about tapping more into my "light self" and holding a sacred space for this new paradigm - for heaven on earth. I got sick and fell into a bad mood.
This morning I awoke after a long sleep and it was snowing outside. I clicked onto facebook and read an article about spiritual bypassing - it spoke much on what Mark had talked about. I felt torn, I agreed about spiritual bypassing taking place but I also knew that there was something to this vibration lifts and that they had great potency in my life, they weren't just for spiritual bypass. That there is an even more alive world! I want both, I don't want to spiritually bypass - I want a real connection with the heart and I want to bring heaven to earth. That is my wish.
Then I turned on the computer and connected with a live chat from Kerli. They started talking about the tarot deck and how the arcana is from 0 to 22. The Fool to the Universe. And how the Fool was Kerli's favorite. She said there is talk about if the Fool is what one comes back to from the Universe - if that is wisdom. Being who they are without seeing if it's a good idea or not or what others will think. It's this innocence but it's not naivety at this point. It's choosing to believe in love because it makes you a better person. Kerli literally said that.
I thought of the white feather and the white snow falling. I thought of the song, Enigma - Return to Innocence. "It's not the end, it's the return to yourself. The return to innocence."
And then I remembered the picture that my dad posted on my facebook which I also saw that morning.
http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/542082_395950200499374_1015738135_n.jpg
Elizabeth Morgan The light shining on her makes me feel like she is witnessed by the Universe. She is unafraid to share her vulnerability - it feels like an authenitc call of the heart
3 hours ago via mobile · Like
Elizabeth Morgan And it is so beautiful, there is an innocence to the wishing of her heart. Like blowing little pieces of a dandelion, a simple and childlike call. Yet it seems clear from the size of the dandelion that it is the loudest voice of this woman's heart and ...See More
2 hours ago via mobile · Edited · Like
Elizabeth Morgan haha! didn't see she was in the air. That does change my interruption of the picture!
2 hours ago via mobile · Like
Elizabeth Morgan It adds in some empowerment, she is pulled ever upward by the wishes of her heart, this innocence and authenticity makes her weightless - I feel something miraculous in action
She is flying...Which is the wish of my heart...to fly. And the white feather also represent flight to me. This picture also represented innocence because of the use of the dandelion and the childlike feel to it.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Brand New ME
Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you Soul Sister Onyx for showing me this brilliant song by Alicia Keys. Brand New ME
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wOSv1TIa58M
"It's been a while, I'm not who I was before
You look surprised, your words don't burn me anymore
Been meaning to tell you, but I guess it's clear to see
Don't be mad, it's just the brand new kind of me
Can't be bad, I found a brand new kind of free
Careful with your ego, he's the one that we should blame
Had to grab my heart back
God know something had to change
I thought that you'd be happy
I found the one thing I need, why you mad
It's just the brand new kind of me
It took a long long time to get here
It took a brave, brave girl to try
It took one too many excuses, one too many lies
Don't be surprised, don't be surprised
If I talk a little louder
If I speak up when you're wrong
If I walk a little taller
I've been on to you too long
If you noticed that I'm different
Don't take it personally
Don't be mad, it's just the brand new kind of me
And it ain't bad, I found a brand new kind of free
Oh, it took a long long road to get here
It took a brave brave girl to try
I've taken one too many excuses, one too many lies
Don't be surprised, oh see you look surprised
Hey, if you were a friend, you want to get know me again
If you were worth a while
You'd be happy to see me smile
I'm not expecting sorry
I'm too busy finding myself
I got this
I found me, I found me, yeah
I don't need your opinion
I'm not waiting for your ok
I'll never be perfect, but at least now i'm brave
Now, my heart is open
And I can finally breathe
Don't be mad, it's just the brand new kind of free
That ain't bad, I found a brand new kind of me
Don't be mad, it's a brand new time for me, yeah"
It really, really did hurt when they walked away. It was probably the hardest part with all of this.
But, I want to be me and I love who I am.
Now I can finally breathe. This ain't bad, this a new kind of free. Don't be mad, it's a brand new time for me.
And instead of second guessing all the time, I'm going to let em walk
Let em go
No need for cages for life's many stages
Love is here
I'll never be perfect, but at least now I'm brave
.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wOSv1TIa58M
"It's been a while, I'm not who I was before
You look surprised, your words don't burn me anymore
Been meaning to tell you, but I guess it's clear to see
Don't be mad, it's just the brand new kind of me
Can't be bad, I found a brand new kind of free
Careful with your ego, he's the one that we should blame
Had to grab my heart back
God know something had to change
I thought that you'd be happy
I found the one thing I need, why you mad
It's just the brand new kind of me
It took a long long time to get here
It took a brave, brave girl to try
It took one too many excuses, one too many lies
Don't be surprised, don't be surprised
If I talk a little louder
If I speak up when you're wrong
If I walk a little taller
I've been on to you too long
If you noticed that I'm different
Don't take it personally
Don't be mad, it's just the brand new kind of me
And it ain't bad, I found a brand new kind of free
Oh, it took a long long road to get here
It took a brave brave girl to try
I've taken one too many excuses, one too many lies
Don't be surprised, oh see you look surprised
Hey, if you were a friend, you want to get know me again
If you were worth a while
You'd be happy to see me smile
I'm not expecting sorry
I'm too busy finding myself
I got this
I found me, I found me, yeah
I don't need your opinion
I'm not waiting for your ok
I'll never be perfect, but at least now i'm brave
Now, my heart is open
And I can finally breathe
Don't be mad, it's just the brand new kind of free
That ain't bad, I found a brand new kind of me
Don't be mad, it's a brand new time for me, yeah"
It really, really did hurt when they walked away. It was probably the hardest part with all of this.
But, I want to be me and I love who I am.
Now I can finally breathe. This ain't bad, this a new kind of free. Don't be mad, it's a brand new time for me.
And instead of second guessing all the time, I'm going to let em walk
Let em go
No need for cages for life's many stages
Love is here
I'll never be perfect, but at least now I'm brave
.
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