Finding my balance~

Yesterday was a sweet and wonderful awakening for me. Sitting in my room, praying before bed, I felt my heart open up and I found myself full of confidence. I stand and say outloud, "I am so thankful. Thank-you God." Tears streaking my face, I smile through tears, "Thank-you for the pain you've blessed me with in this life. For this room and every moment I've lived through. For so long I had prayed and prayed for anything but this and yet here I am saying I am thankful for it. If it had not been for these pains, I would've never been able to look anyone in the eyes and say without a doubt, 'Fear has no dominion over me. I KNOW who I am.' I didn't need angel wings to burst from my back or for a prophet to land on the earth and tell me I was the chosen one. I didn't need ANY of those things. In fact, it was in the depths of my despair that I found myself. It was in the moment that I believed there was nothing left of me that I remembered myself." With my heart filling it's fullest and filling like I was truly in another state of existence, the realization finally fell upon me in one glorious moment. "Nothing can change me, nothing can break me because no matter what position I'm put in this truth in my heart has and always will be unchanged. This feeling that has always made me believe...This feeling is who I really am. This feeling is love. Because who I really am is love." And then I knew it beyond a shadow of a doubt. Once while I was in the state that I was in my higher self told me, "Soon you will understand what it means to really be you." And I did. I always had. Love. I looked to the plack on the wall that I'd put there...Believe. I came here to believe and I do feel so grateful because I can honestly said that Love is my only truth and that nothing can destroy it because I will not give up on it. I will believe in my dreams and I found myself asking, "So then, what is my purpose here for the other's on this planet? Can I share with this, this realization as well? How will I do that?" And this was my only response but I understood with my heart, Be yourself, Elizabeth. And then my cat came into my room and I played with her and I saw that this was all that I needed to do. Love other beings and to enjoy myself along the way. To have fun always and never to forget to smile or show beings that I love them and that they are precious to me.
So today I hung out with my friend Ashley and then when I came home I just read manga all day and didn't do anything else. It was my balance. I've been working, thinking all week so today I just relaxed. I do want to do some work before the day ends, though. But it gave me time to reflect on other things.
 I was thinking about when you love someone and that it had always been what I thought. That someone can be the best person in the world to everyone else but that's not why you love them...Or better yet, we're all diamonds, you know? Some people have yet to realize it but I can almost always see it in people even if it's supposed to be hidden and I've met men who were so brilliant to me. And even then, why was it that my heart was never there's? For me it's never about how brilliant we are in the sense of what we can do or how brightly our hearts shine...It's just simply who we are. That's what you fall in love with. A man simply is in love with the girl whether she has the confidence and radiance of the moon or if her tears won't stop falling and her heart is a prison of thorns, he loves her. He simply loves her. And she simply loves him. And in this, no matter how they are or what is happening, they will always love each other this deeply and see the beauty in them.
Two beings looking at one another and in doing so find no fault within each other in their both equal perfection 
Perfection is not what we think it. You'll perfect when your heartbroken and sobbing, snot dripping from your nose or you lose that big chance at your job or maybe you really blow it with the one's you care about. You're still perfect and there is someone out there who knows that. I believe that. About every body and I believe falling in love with somebody is quite like that. Like two people who are always there to help open their hearts back open again. That's what it's been for me. The doors that opened me to this awakening.
Thank-you

~Eli

Apologies, dear reader~

So, I was thinking about what I posted yesterday and felt that maybe it was a little bit to crude even for me to have kept up. I've edited over some of the really bad parts and the reason I did that is because it's not my intention to spread such hostility like that and I do believe there are power in words. The reason I kept it on there when posting was I wanted to keep the authenticity of it but I find that maybe there are some things I would not like to hold onto, anymore. And it definitely wasn't what I was trying to single into to. So if you were offended by any of what you read, I do apologize.
 I think I was even a bit offended by it, haha. But I know that I was very bad mouth-y back then and had a bit of an ego because I thought everyone around me was an idiot. I don't feel this way now but in knowing this it's not surprising as to why I wrote that. But I don't want anyone to have to feel belittled when reading things I post or hearing my words. So I thought it would be prudent to change some things. Please understand that this was from the past and a lot of my heart has changed. I was trying to show that even during that period of time, my eyes were open to the truth, I just still had a lot of heart growing to do.
 And for the 'feminist' comment that I made in there, to some of my reader's I'm certain this probably offended you. I don't support that comment and I don't even know why I said it back then! At the time my main focus was on the Goddess Bastet. So please, laugh it off as a moment of insanity. Sometimes I would say harsh words as a way of enthusiastic speech and if I remember that's probably all it was. I meant no disrespect by posting that and I hope no one was completely insulted and could find something in what I posted.
Other then that, I hope you all have a wonderful day!

-Eli!

My past is not a memory, it's a force at my back!~

So today, I am feeling very intuned with my celtic, pagan roots and I find myself getting lost once again in Blackmore's Night songs which to my great joy they have a new ablum out!
Today I gave. I gave to my mother, to myself and to my mother Earth. And it seems that now I as I am reconnecting with myself I am turning a new page with my past and what may have lead to my discoveries! Last night I spoke my truth with mom and it got bad at first but I stayed focus on the destination of peace and love and so did she. We actually had a really awesome break through and my throat chakra is once again, I'm sure, very thankful for me speaking my truth. I had been having trouble reading a book that was lending to me but I have not lately since I have remembered that I must always in turn come back to my truth and with this I've been given a whole new perspective of on it. Which has been wonderful!
But today I want to make it a point to myself that I truly have not been as lost as I believed I was before. Yes, many things were still veiled to me which I even knew at that time but it was I who willing pressed forward to discover just what it was and with this I say, "It was not just a simple event that changed my heart but a journey that has been progressing till this point." For the longest time I knew that I was being held back by my doubts and that a day would come when 'the princess would wake up from her deep slumber' and I would remember what I had once forgotten. In fact, I now see just how much I had been telling myself through my subconscious. So today I will recite many things I had written from my past and I will remember that each step is just another phase of the journey but even in our darkest moments not all is lost and that it was that very ache in my heart that made me strive to discover the truth about myself.

• "Freedom begins when you get out of the cage you've built yourself in." An sentence from a poem I wrote.

• "OH GOD HELP ME! I HAVE BRAINS! IM NOT ANOTHER ZOMBIE! You know there something wrong when you find yourself saying this and not the other way around. Society as of right now is…SCREWED. 

"I could remember the days when I tried to conform.
A teacher would call on me and I would act like I didn’t know the answer
Or act like I didn’t care.
I would even, when called on,  read like an idiot because I would be too strange if I, get this, KNEW HOW TO READ
What kind of message does that send to you.
Kids our being brainwashed to be IDIOTS.
Knowledge is a gift and should be cherished,
God I mean,
I am even still struggling slightly because after a while of all that pretending to be a moron
I actually started to become one.
Now I wish I could have accepted the wonderful knowledge that life was trying to give me
Kids need to learn to humble themselves again and learn to take NOTHING for granted and stop being so selfish.

"You know that whatever it is out there against our kind, now, is the time they have decided to really strike.
It seems to be working for the most part too.
Except for the few people who have broken free and see the shit for how the shit really is

"I believe there is a fake who in the magical side plays as god and is mistaken as it by the normal folk.
And the people who know the real him don’t have the power to do anything about it
He is powerful no doubt, but not all powerful
How could anyone seriously think that the other side is so simple?


"Just plain black and white,
Good and evil
If its not here?
Of course there will be secretary, trickery, and lies after lies
The dark forces believe that they are the strongest and they keep knowledge from us so we cant grow any stronger then them
They believe they are stronger then the one they ‘took the reigns’ from.
I call it unity
Because as it is its own being and we are our own being
It is also a part of it as we are of everyone else
Maybe it is the creature
Love…
But I think the best description for it in my head is the Unity
It has not been overthrown,
For it is a peaceful creature and does not go about fighting the way that its
‘over throwers’ have
It is also very wise
And know what it must do to regain the balance
A time of change must and will come very soon
Get ready world and everyone else.
Your truly about to have the TIME OF YOUR LIFE =)
Yes I did just say that…
I shall continue to keep trying to find that balance as everyone else must try to find.
Oh and I hate how some people associate gender with the Unity
Like call it, ’him’ or call it ’her’
No,
It is ALL of what we are both male and female
It is neither just one
Like one extreme or the other
It is the balance between the both
Neither female nor male
But both at the same time
An aspect we must find in ourselves.
 Try to find that balance between your feminine and masculine aspects of yourself
Embrace it all and don’t tune either one in too much
And no it DOES not matter what gender you are,
Embrace both sides equally.
And I’m not telling you to go drag some days
It’s about your soul,

"Appearances change and die, don’t worry of those things

They don’t define who you are or what your soul is

You’ll reincarnate in some other body or never get another one

The body you are in is probably not your first and in no way can define you

The actual beautiful spirit being  you are is what defines you

Anyway 

If you are a female there is person who is your make counterpart

Your twin flame

Same if you’re a male

If you find them together you kind find a true balance 

And you will be in perfect harmony with the Unity

Let us all join together and push aside our differences to see that we all care for each

Let us all join together to fight in unison for our survival

We are as different as we are the same

 When you bleed I bleed

And when I am forced to take your life with my hands and you die a part of me dies too

So never think that I would cause pain on you without repercussions

I cry for the tears that fall from your eyes

Because now more then ever 

I feel more as one with you all and Love then I ever have

The Unity"

[Yes, I know I curse a lot in here but I had a bad sailor's mouth and in my journal's I wanted to be able to be me without feeling I had to restrain myself so my anger and annoyance does bleed through. I've always had a strong personality and it's only been till recently that a lot of my anger has died down. But I am still impressed by what I was saying back then. I remember I'd only just begun to understand what I was saying but felt it deep within my core and now it's something that I feel I've come into more understanding about.]

• "The answer is within, Galderine will show me what I need to know,

He is here to help me see the hidden.

Like the spirit ‘Satan’ said about the secret we hold inside,

Just waiting to be found

I know now, what I need to figure out this is within.

I got my answer"

And now I would like to share a little excerpt from a story I began writing a while ago and I find it so interesting that I had chosen to write about it! I will, hopefully, finish it one day.

Ah, So This is LOVE at it’s Fullest. 

I smile at them. It is  all I can think to do at the moment. I have everything I want, there is no need for words or gestures. We all feel the LOVE, it swirls around us, swims though us, enhances something about us. And with this powerful LOVE, there is a unity between all five of us. Simply amazing. I will not ever be able to think of another thing that can ever compare to this moment, or moments to come. We’ve made it, survived through the tragedy, horrific and unrelentless. But we had been prepared and in the end it unified us all. Now here we are on the brink of ascension. But before I transition. There is still one thing I want to leave Earth with. Because I know life can get pretty insane and despair is not hard to find along the journey to discovering yourself. I want to leave a little piece of myself here, so that others will find some sort of comfort and hope when fear seems the only constant in their life. I want to make one last contribution to this world. A planet I think I will always cherish to the depths of my heart. A little bit of my heart will always be here, so let what I am about to tell you empower you. See through the eyes of another , I want to show you my life for a little while…

~~~~~~

I am happy to reflect but too much endless reflection can be dangerous and it's happened to me before so now I will continue on with my day in hopes that I can continue forward with my life and my growth. All my love and light to you all! Nemaste!

-Eli

Walk With Me~

Here I am, finding me once again. A girl who is only interested in being herself and walking her path. I am so interested in the Indian way, Pagan way, Buddhist way, Course in Miracles way, New Age way and the Christian way but every time I try to say THIS is my path and part of me bucks wild and I don't see it for what it is anymore, I become depressed and almost feel hopeless. I once was told by my higher power, "This is your path so believe in your path. You don't need anyone else's. I see these ways as brothers and sisters of mine who give me helpful tips and help me along the way but they are not actually ME and if I try to become them then I forget my own truth's. When I see it this way, I feel great respect for the other views and I absolutely love taking from them. Each and every one of them mean a great deal to me and have been there with my throughout my entire life. I almost feel like they are friends of mine and have a lot to offer. I want to remember that this is why I am changing things for myself. I may have a higher power in my life now but I honestly believe I am to walk my path and not try to fit myself into one box or the other but continue to expand and grow, learn learn.
When people talk about 'evil' I always find them hard to take seriously. The word 'evil' is an excuse to me. It's not looking at something for what it is but trying to out cast it. Evil promote fear and guilt. Guilt promotes a prison and within this prison there is no room to grow and without growth a person becomes stagnant, a person's spirit dies. To believe in evil is a very unhealthy thing, in my opinion and it certainly is for me. I believe love is all about acceptance and who can accept someone who is evil? If they do then they have to be evil themselves right? Or just naive? It also makes an 'us and them' mentality AND if you believe that there are parts of you that are evil but not all of you then even then you are sometimes guilty. At times you cannot be accepted. If we are unconditionally loved, we are unconditionally accepted. Which means that instead of our faults being seen as 'evil' we would see them for what they are, whatever that may be. The area's we need growth or even the moments we were afraid.
I think that for me, love means to be free and to believe in the freedom of others, no matter what that may be. We've all got our own path, can we actually say we know what someone else's path SHOULD BE? I love it when people unfold as a person and begin to shine but I do know that for the longest time I was in my own funk and if I did believe in evil, I was kinda' part of all that. BUT, I was there. I remember what it was like to be Elizabeth back then. I didn't do it because I was intentionally trying to be evil, I did it because for me that's where I was at. It's what I felt, it's what I understood, it's what I believed in. And yes, I do take responsibility for that but I am not guilty for it. It was part of my growth and I would not be the person I am today without it. I also don't want to feel I have to be constantly sorry about some part of myself because it is just who I am and I don't feel guilty about it. That doesn't mean I don't believe in people getting what they dish out for themselves. If I act like a total bitch I'm pretty sure karma will give it right back to me. It's all about a balance of energy and I know that. But I want the freedom to be able to be myself without feeling if I mess up then I'll be thrown away like failed toy or experience. It's never failed. I don't believe in that and I guess even if higher beings were to tell me otherwise, I wouldn't still be able to believe in that. And I know how it is when you hear from something that is so obviously more advanced then you. But it's all about listening to your heart and realizing that YOUR truth is the only truth that really should matter to you. Doesn't matter what any other truth is. Your truth is there for a reason. My truth is freedom through love. I want to be Free, it's what it means to be me.

-E l i z a b e t h

Exhaustion and desires~

I feel very sluggish today. I did my work but I still felt tired all day and my lungs were hurting like crazy. But, I do see things a bit differently. I think I can be too hard on myself about things that are just simply 'flaws' of my personality. I have a strong personality and sometimes it gets the best of me. I mean, I still try and I feel I am compassionate towards other beings but I'm not always ready to jump on board of being understanding but I will force myself to. I was actually feeling very accomplished last night after writing the blog. I had a lot of clarity and I was feeling very intuned with myself but today I'm questioning a few things, haha! Which can be good to do but  not to where you can't move forward at a good rate. I want a day when I don't think so much, a day when I'm feeling connected and I just move forward. This is one of those low moments well I am feeling a bit of anxiety. I wish I would post more when I'm doing really well so I can look back on that later and not read over a bunch of posts that would maybe bring my mood down. But I'm going to be open with myself about what is going on and yet continue to try and move forward. I am willing to admit how I feel and I am also willing to change my perspective. Considering I'm so tired, though, it's not changing very fast. I need rest and hopefully good decent night's rest will restore me. This, I do hope. I also hope I have eyes to see the truth about things and not get washed up into something that completely brings me off track. I'll just have to see if my energy stays so low. Anyway, I've been 'seeing' stuff stronger lately. Either because I'm so sleepy or things are really changing for me. My lungs have been hurting but it almost feels emotional and I don't know what it is. It's sharp and I don't feel that there is anything bothering me THAT badly. I feel like I'm in a tug of war sometimes. What do I trust and then I pledge my trust and then I falter. I've always wanted to be able to stick to a decision but I feel different once I think something new has been revealed to me and I don't want to stop growing. I plan to keep moving forward on the path I am going though and be open to other one's along the way without being too careless. I REALLY, really do want to do something with this precious life that has been given to me and I just pray beyond everything else that I will be able to. That I will have the chance at the end of my life to feel truly loving towards myself. I just know I shouldn't think that one thing or the other will make me stop accepting myself. This is very important to me. To be there no matter what and to believe my family, friends and God will be there, too. No matter what. Because that's what unconditional love is.

-Eli

Struggles with myself~Faith

So today when I sat for silent listening from God I felt that my intention today should be faith. Faith in myself, faith in other people, faith in God and faith in the universe. Which I've done well with, I believe today. But at some point I felt a little off and it's just grown from there. I had a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful meeting with Pat and it really felt like a divine meeting as she put it. She gave me some books to reading and I am reading the first one. Now, while I am very interested in it already, there is a part of me that is kind of hesitant to believe everything in there. I think it's important for me not to think I have to accept something as the truth 100% and I just hope Pat doesn't expect that of me. I mean, I don't know for sure if that is the truth or not and even Buddha said that you should not accept anything as truth, even what he has said, unless it sits right with your own heart and knowledge. I do want to stay open minded though and I believe elements of the truth can come in many different forms. But I don't want to lose my own truth in the midst of all of that. I guess it's exhausting always feeling like I can't believe half of the things I read or see. It just feels kind of lonely. But I am happy that I am having another world shared with me and I think that's really how I should see it and always how I should see it. I am happy to explore new world's and possibilities. I have the natural desire to want to just be able to accept one thing as truth but my inner self doesn't like that because then it stops being about MY truth but some ultimate truth and I'm only me, afterall. So if something isn't jiving with MY truth and I accept it as ultimate truth and overall my heart feelings it really messes with me. I need to remember this. This is about my growing and learning and exploring. I should treat it as such. I still have other avenues in which I am growing and learning and searching. When I see it this way, I feel excited! And I can't wait to see what will happen next. I really am not in a bad place in my life but I feel it much more strongly now whenever I get out of wack with myself. But when I'm not I feel very intuned and open. I am thankful for this and I do want to focus on having more faith in ME, loving me, believing in me and remembering that after all is said and done, I am responsible for me and only me and my actions. I have some doubts still that feel like they hold me back, I should say it honestly though. I am the one that keeps listening to them and going back to them. I'm not beating myself up over this but feeling it for what it is. I've got to be willing to keep my heart and mind open to my truth if I want to live by my truth and follow my guidance from God. I will work harder and BE. With hard work and a little luck, anything can be accomplished. :]
- Eli

Work, work, work for it.

Today, I had a list to get done the things I felt I needed to without taking away my free time as well. I didn't really want to have to go by a list but I realized it really does help keep my organized. Yesterday, I had the slap in my face feeling of, "I'm growing up and things are resting on my shoulders." With needing to get a job to pay for gas and get a car and the fact that if I don't do it I won't have anyone saying, "Elizabeth, remember to do this or that." It just won't happen and then the consequences will be on my shoulders. It was scary and it made the universe seem very cold. But mom assured me this was part of growing up and I'm actually doing good for myself because I've got my head on my shoulders, I'm doing drugs, I don't have relationship problems, I'm not pregnant and I am in a good place in my life. So I decided that I was going to go ahead and start writing a list but it did help to talk to my mom and remember that change and growing up is always scary because it's a transition and new is usually scary to people. But I don't want it to paralyze me or to not grow up at all. That's the scariest thing of all so I am going to try and put my all into it.
Tomorrow I will be going to talk to someone named Pat to see if she can help me with hearing voices and maybe learning how to control that. I don't want to stop hearing from God or from my higher self but sometimes I have trouble sleeping because I hear voices or I sense things around me. The other night I was fine with the darkness though because I remembered Aymee saying, "Sending darkness is fine too. Heck, what would we do without shade on a hot day?" It was good point and I knew even if there was something lurking in the darkest spot of the room it was only my fears that I would face which were blocks from being my truest and most beautiful, free self. It was my blocks from love so it would only be a growing experience even if a tough one. I also know that the darkness is what helps me to sleep, it can be a very nurturing thing when you think of it this way and also that you were in darkness while in the womb. When I stop seeing the world from the 'pure and righteous looking at evil' veiw, things aren't so daunting anymore. I'm not scared of the world when I know the world isn't 'wrong' and I try to respect beings for whatever they are. Doesn't mean I don't have boundaries but I also don't like walking over other's or getting in my mind that something is worth my fear or hate. Those are not emotions I want to stew around in myself. I'll face 'em but I don't want to purposefully go after them. They aren't and haven't been beneficial for me long term. They can be good to break through things but they aren't after all, the end result emotion that I'm looking for. We'll see how tomorrow goes though I'm rather nervous since I'm not sure how to explain what it's like when I haven't been actively doing it lately and it's really hard to relate to anything that one's feels normally. But I just have to have faith in myself and in the Pat lady if she is going to be helpful for me.
It's in God's hands and with love I give it.
-Eli

I am in control of my thoughts.

My thoughts are not who I am. They are a tool that I can use but they can become unhealthy if not used correctly or truthfully. The truth is, I am in control of my thoughts and not the other way around. It's all about focus. Obviously, since we think millions of thoughts at once, we can't always filter out every bad thought. But it IS my choice on what I focus on and let take seed and grow in my mind and heart. Focus is very important if I ever want to get anywhere in my life.
The truth for me is that love is all the really matters to me or has any real truth for me. It is what is true and that which is true is the only thing eternal. That is the basis of my focus and everything else is my tool, nothing more. To believe that I am my thoughts puts me at a serious disadvantage and is equal to banging my head against a brick wall. I'm not going to get anywhere and my skull will eventually crack. For me to remember that I am in control of my thoughts means that I will spend less time trying to 'figure out' my darkness. All I need to know about my darkness is that it's not my truth and for me there is no truth to it. In essence, it is a lie, just as believing that I am my thoughts is a lie. It's pointless to endlessly examine the dark when trying to enter the light. So I simply release these emotions and thoughts to go and be open to a new perspective. Beyond that, I put my focus in other things that are more beneficial to me. I know it all starts with the mind because the mind is where we make choices and in this reality that's where it really matters. It's our base of action and if I can't relinquish my desire to focus on unhealthy things then I'll never move forward but endlessly bang my head against the brick wall. And we all know how that turns out.
I've been having trouble sleeping the passed few nights but I do not want to take sleeping pills because that is making me dependent on something that isn't natural. I am also in control of my sleep. I have the ability to change my habits and go to bed at a decent hour and stop pretending I'm not going to sleep at night. I have the choice to keep my body healthy and in balance. I am going to focus now and find my rest for the night.
Goodnight, sleep tight
all my love and light,
E l i z a b e t h 

Open Heart

I'm not lonely, anymore. Not like I used to be. My friend is going through a really hard time right now and she showed me a song that is singing about letting the lonely in and dancing in an empty room by yourself. I remember this feeling, I really do. It's like a familiar memory. "I'm a ghost of girl, that I want to be most." God, I remember this. And I also remember feeling that it would never end. But I must really be healing because that song did make me feel pain but not piercing like it used to. It was compassionate, like I didn't want my friend to have to feel this. I wish her happiness. I wish you all happiness. That's my biggest wish. For you to smile with your heart and be fulfilled. For us all to know what it feels like to let go of the loneliness and open up the windows of our soul, letting the sunshine pour back in. I have to remember to keep my heart open and be willing to talk with others because it always helps me to heal. I wish healing for my friend. So much healing to take over her heart. I know there is a lot of loneliness inside of her that I wish I could wash away but I also know that she's got to do that part herself. No one else can. It has to be your decision to let it go and for me it wasn't easy. I still go back to it at times, my old ways and routines but I do feel that parts of me are becoming whole again. I don't feel like the ghost of a girl that I want to be. I feel like me and I'm happy with this me. I am working towards truly being happy with her though. I've got a long way to go but I am happy to be free of the loneliness. I don't feel alone, anymore. My heart is open to the love that is always being given to me. I pray that one day her's will as well.
-Eli

Trust

"You're going to be able to heal first when you trust." I know that's one of my biggest problems, right now.
I'm not trusting anything, right now. I feel caged in not being able to really go out and do anything. I think that was helpful but I'm in the same place all the time, too much time with my thoughts and my thoughts have gotten erratic. It's insane that I can be feeling AMAZING and SO in touch one moment and the next I'm somewhere completely different. I haven't ever been this way. I am a sporadic person but I need my stability like anyone else. And I've always been someone who needs to have some kind of belief or faith in something to be able to live normally without feeling like I'm going to lose it. I don't want to waste my life.
I've been seeing too much into why I'm here and what not and while I believe it, it also makes everything much more complex in my mind. I've not been blocking the voices and sometimes very clear one's well anymore. Sometimes it's purposefully and other times it isn't. Right now I'm on the down end feeling but it's not always this way.
When I think about humans...I've been getting a feeling I've never really entertained. Because after what I've gone through I've gained something I promised myself I'd never get. I never wanted to really grow up. To be able to look at the world in a way that I hate and just be okay and just keep living like everything is okay. In ways I've gained a lot of freedom and it's not like I've lost my innocence or the voice of the child in my heart but there is some change that makes me see I can't just totally fall apart every time something really hard happens.
I've always been the girl who believed in fairytales for too long, true love and the whole shabang. I knew it wasn't simply and I knew true love or not, it's gonna' be work. But...lately I've been seeing too much of the chaos. It's like I wouldn't look it in the face or accept it and now I have but I have to remember that it's not the only thing. It reminds me of the lesson I learned from the "Black Swan."
She was so innocent and then she finally saw the darker parts of life and she really just gave into this. She fought it and became it but she forgot that the innocence had been real, she'd just be blind to the other parts. I've discovered life in a whole new light and in a whole new darkness.
Now it's like I REALLY can feel how no one believes in those wishes or dreams. I see how so many people have lived their lives and they've held so much pain and disaster. I found myself saying, "Why am I going to be any different? How do I know at the end of my life, I'll say it was worth it." Though I already know I lived a life that is worth it to me it's in these moments I feel I should be MORE. I've tasted the realness and when I settle into the comfortable numb, it feels like a slap in the face.
Yesterday I said, "I've finally gotten that feeling of not believing in love. We fought for something and I thought I had an understanding that no one else did. But I guess I didn't." I would've never accepted this before. It was death to me. I would have rather lied to myself then accepted it. Why believe in a dull world when the vibrant one is what keeps your heart beating? I think the truth is both have their own truths but it's never so easy and it's not always bad.
I felt very bad though because I really did feel that I was ready to give up on being in relationships and I don't remember being at this place in my life but it was like I was ready to say, "I'm done. I'm just done. I don't care about being brave." It pisses me off because it was the one thing I could say was different about me. I know I haven't been fair to the people who share this planet with me but I never wanted to accept the a lot of them are when I'm quite the same.
I just wanted to and still want to believe there is MORE to us. And I do. I really do but I think the things I wasn't willing to face before is right here; knocking at my door. I am the master of my own fate, the captain of my soul. And it's like, I can't escape my own ridicule! No matter how hard I try I'm never doing it right. I know this is something I have to work on. I want to trust, fuck. Excuse the language but there is not other way to put it. I hear the old voice of, "You've got to be the strong one, Elizabeth." But this isn't healthy and I should do my best but I'm me and just me.
I do believe in true love and the path I am going down though I'm always so afraid to be caged and want to make sure it's the right path, bla de bla. I've already been here and done this! That's what is even more frustrating! When you've dealt with a problem and the something you ALREADY know is coming back at you. I mean, how wounded are we? Or how wounded am I? Am I not trying hard enough? I think I am and I have seen a lot of progress. It's so important for me to just try and trust. That's hard for me. But I can do it and I will do it.

I'm at an em pass right now because I want to change but every time I get constructive whatever the word from myself I want to scream, "SHUT UP! It's never good enough!" And it's not going away. I can't stand to hear what I'm doing wrong but everything I'm doing is driving me crazy because it feels wrong. Haha, I'm only laughing because of the pure shitty irony of it.

-Eli

The truth

I remember when dealing with paranoia with lies, manipulation or other people trying 'to get the best of me' I was constantly keeping my eyes open. I knew if someone were to trick me this would be bad news. I never realized that it was a terrible fear of mine. Because how could I possibly be wise and intelligent enough to outsmart everyone?! If someone really wanted to get the best of me they could. I realized that it was possible that they could be doing it at this very moment. It got to the point where I felt I couldn't even trust myself until finally...here and now. I asked myself, "Why does this make so afraid? Say they do succeed, so what? You'll get back up." And then it hit me, "Because then I'll be the fool who fell for it." I never want to be the fool, the one who doesn't see what is coming for them. But guess what? We're all 'foolish' sometimes. It's part of growing and letting my pride get in the way is not helpful at all with growth. It's takes true confidence to be able to be completely manipulated and made a fool out of but then get back up and continue to believe in yourself and believe in your own worth. No one can take away your truth. And if your truth is that you are worth your own love then even if you fool yourself you'd be willing to forgive yourself and get back up. Because life is growth and change. It's not going to be easy if you don't flow with it, though. And holding yourself up to this terrible moment with fear is not the only way to learn. I want to remind myself of that.

-Eli

Hawk

This morning when I woke up I saw a hawk. It was standing on the power lines outside of my house. Usually I would see a cardinal there and one time I saw a blue bird but today it was the hawk. The hawk has always been a strong animal for me and my dad. For me it was a signal of protection but the hawk also has keen eyesight and so for me also means to see things for what they really are.
When I saw it the first time, I knew it was trying to show me something. It's never stopped on the wires before but was usually seen from afar. This time it was directly trying to get my attention. Most of the time I'll look too into it and forget to just be in awe of this beautiful creature. Also, I don't always trust my own interpretations and so I'll ask someone else like my dad what they might think it means but I was being shown that maybe I should listen to my heart.
The hawk flew away but came back! And sat there for about half an hour which is the longest the hawk has ever stayed around for me. I felt love for the animal and it almost felt as though I was just being showed that I am loved in return, to trust my own voice in my heart. It almost felt like a love proclamation from life, itself. And that my voice is heard. Those birds are so majestic. It's really amazing to see them.
I also saw this bird last night when I was meditating. It's eye just looking at me as if it was perched on my arm and looking straight at me. I don't want to look too into things but just see the message I am being given. Not get too caught up in the fact that it's being given to me. I read somewhere that "ascension is a process, not an event." I think this is the truth. My only problem is talking about this sort of stuff. For a lot of people it's all just a bunch of new age-y bs. Before I went through the stuff I did, I didn't even agree with it. I mean, sure, I had my own 'out there' views but I would've been the last person to agree. I thought they didn't see the bigger picture. Until, I went through the experience I did a few months ago and I realized it was the truth. And most definitely MY truth. It was only until a little while ago that I realized so many people actually did and have for while believe and seemed to have discovered what I discovered. I do want to enjoy myself during this period, though.
A journey is worth going on without a little bit of dancing, you know? I just have to figure how to let myself go. And that's probably my biggest thing. Always trying not just doing. Just being. Just be, without trying to change it or do anything differently. It's strange how that surrender can release you almost instantaneously.
The hawk visited me today and I hope I will see things for what they really are, as well. Truthfully and from the heart.
Life is magical, whether we see it or not. There's so much to be in awe about and so much fun. I never want to lose my passion.
-Eli

Once upon a time~

Once upon a time, a galactic council was called and a mythic call was sent out to countless light beings: the children of the Sun, the angelic winged ones, the Sun runners, the rainbow warriors, and other luminous ones from many star systems. This great circle of light beings gathered from far and wide. At the appointed nexus, the Love of the Spinning Galaxies, the Great Spirit, entered, gracing them all with celestial light and the following words.

"You are invited to incarnate upon a world where a great transformation will take place, " began the Love of the Spinning Galaxies. "You who respond to this call will go to a place of planetary evolution where the illusions of fear and separation are strong teachers. I am calling those with the needed talents and gifts to act as my emissaries there, to lift and transform the frequencies of planet Earth, simply by embodying and anchoring love's presence there. In this myth, you will be the creators of a new reality, the reality of the golden octave. "

The Love of the Spinning Galaxies continued: "On other journeys, each of you has proven to be a "feeling navigator," able to awaken your consciousness and align your heart to the promptings of pure love and compassionate service. As Sun runners and torch bearers, you have already demonstrated that you will hold the light high. And so, I invite you to incarnate en masse among the tribes of Earth to assist Gaia and all her children in their transformation.

"It is part of the plan that you will be veiled in forgetting," the Mystery of the Spinning Galaxies went on. "However, as you remember the feeling of childlike innocence and trust, you will become the harmonic leavening in this cycle of initiation for Earth. You will incarnate strategically, often in some of the most vibrationally dense areas on the planet. To some, this illusion of separation from love may create feelings of hopelessness, lack of support, and alienation. But by embracing your humanness, your love will transform the depths of duality, and your light will quicken the many.

"Your participation on this quest is purely voluntary; however, this transformational shift on Earth is very rare and precious. Should you choose to accept this mission, you will have the opportunity to catalyze and synthesize all that you have been during many incarnations, receiving a rarely offered quantum leap in consciousness. It is up to you to choose how you will dance with Terra Gaia and her children as she completes her ceremony of light."

So spoke the Creator, the Light of the Spinning Galaxies. And so it was that the luminous beings who formed the countless alliances, federations, and councils of the faithful of the stars chose to incarnate on planet Earth to assist in this crucial event, the awakening of the planetary dream. There was even a fail-safe process built into the plan to awaken these beings from the illusion of separation and the veil of forgetfulness that is so rife upon Earth. The luminous ones who would journey to Gaia's assistance agreed to spark each other's remembrance. Thus, these starseeded ones were encoded in many ways with sounds, colors, lights, images, words, and symbols -- a vibrational resonance that would assist them in remembering their commitment to the light. It was agreed that these coded clues would appear everywhere: in visionary art and music, in penetrating looks, in speech and feelings -- all creating a deep yearning to awaken and become the embodiment of love.

So it is that you, the children of the Sun, are now being bathed in the waters of remembrance, prepared as rainbow warriors to fulfill the promise of the new and ancient myth. By simply anchoring love's presence on Earth, you lovingly draw down the mantle of the gods, sending waves of healing and love throughout Gaia's eagerly receptive body. As you emerge in this time, your gifts awaken and empower others. Utilizing the tools of laughter, song, dance, humor, joy, trust, and love, you are creating the powerful surge of transformation that will transmute the limitations of the old myth of duality and separation, birthing the miracle of unity and peace on Earth.

Utilize your gifts on behalf of Gaia. In a supernova of consciousness, Gaia and her children will ascend in robes of light, forming a luminous light body of love, to be reborn among the stars! The mythic call has been sounded. The great quest has begun. Awaken, rainbow warriors, Sun runners, luminous beings from the galactic alliances, federations, and councils! Ancient skywalkers, newly formed in this moment, stand in the beauty and power of your true identity as love's gift to Gaia. Set aside self-doubt. You are the divine child of the Sun! Go where your heart draws you to share your great gifts. Surrender to the magic and the light. The miracle will be manifested on Earth. Remember, we dance and sing here for the One Heart."


Author? Unknown. 


Eli