Trust

"You're going to be able to heal first when you trust." I know that's one of my biggest problems, right now.
I'm not trusting anything, right now. I feel caged in not being able to really go out and do anything. I think that was helpful but I'm in the same place all the time, too much time with my thoughts and my thoughts have gotten erratic. It's insane that I can be feeling AMAZING and SO in touch one moment and the next I'm somewhere completely different. I haven't ever been this way. I am a sporadic person but I need my stability like anyone else. And I've always been someone who needs to have some kind of belief or faith in something to be able to live normally without feeling like I'm going to lose it. I don't want to waste my life.
I've been seeing too much into why I'm here and what not and while I believe it, it also makes everything much more complex in my mind. I've not been blocking the voices and sometimes very clear one's well anymore. Sometimes it's purposefully and other times it isn't. Right now I'm on the down end feeling but it's not always this way.
When I think about humans...I've been getting a feeling I've never really entertained. Because after what I've gone through I've gained something I promised myself I'd never get. I never wanted to really grow up. To be able to look at the world in a way that I hate and just be okay and just keep living like everything is okay. In ways I've gained a lot of freedom and it's not like I've lost my innocence or the voice of the child in my heart but there is some change that makes me see I can't just totally fall apart every time something really hard happens.
I've always been the girl who believed in fairytales for too long, true love and the whole shabang. I knew it wasn't simply and I knew true love or not, it's gonna' be work. But...lately I've been seeing too much of the chaos. It's like I wouldn't look it in the face or accept it and now I have but I have to remember that it's not the only thing. It reminds me of the lesson I learned from the "Black Swan."
She was so innocent and then she finally saw the darker parts of life and she really just gave into this. She fought it and became it but she forgot that the innocence had been real, she'd just be blind to the other parts. I've discovered life in a whole new light and in a whole new darkness.
Now it's like I REALLY can feel how no one believes in those wishes or dreams. I see how so many people have lived their lives and they've held so much pain and disaster. I found myself saying, "Why am I going to be any different? How do I know at the end of my life, I'll say it was worth it." Though I already know I lived a life that is worth it to me it's in these moments I feel I should be MORE. I've tasted the realness and when I settle into the comfortable numb, it feels like a slap in the face.
Yesterday I said, "I've finally gotten that feeling of not believing in love. We fought for something and I thought I had an understanding that no one else did. But I guess I didn't." I would've never accepted this before. It was death to me. I would have rather lied to myself then accepted it. Why believe in a dull world when the vibrant one is what keeps your heart beating? I think the truth is both have their own truths but it's never so easy and it's not always bad.
I felt very bad though because I really did feel that I was ready to give up on being in relationships and I don't remember being at this place in my life but it was like I was ready to say, "I'm done. I'm just done. I don't care about being brave." It pisses me off because it was the one thing I could say was different about me. I know I haven't been fair to the people who share this planet with me but I never wanted to accept the a lot of them are when I'm quite the same.
I just wanted to and still want to believe there is MORE to us. And I do. I really do but I think the things I wasn't willing to face before is right here; knocking at my door. I am the master of my own fate, the captain of my soul. And it's like, I can't escape my own ridicule! No matter how hard I try I'm never doing it right. I know this is something I have to work on. I want to trust, fuck. Excuse the language but there is not other way to put it. I hear the old voice of, "You've got to be the strong one, Elizabeth." But this isn't healthy and I should do my best but I'm me and just me.
I do believe in true love and the path I am going down though I'm always so afraid to be caged and want to make sure it's the right path, bla de bla. I've already been here and done this! That's what is even more frustrating! When you've dealt with a problem and the something you ALREADY know is coming back at you. I mean, how wounded are we? Or how wounded am I? Am I not trying hard enough? I think I am and I have seen a lot of progress. It's so important for me to just try and trust. That's hard for me. But I can do it and I will do it.

I'm at an em pass right now because I want to change but every time I get constructive whatever the word from myself I want to scream, "SHUT UP! It's never good enough!" And it's not going away. I can't stand to hear what I'm doing wrong but everything I'm doing is driving me crazy because it feels wrong. Haha, I'm only laughing because of the pure shitty irony of it.

-Eli