Today, I had a list to get done the things I felt I needed to without taking away my free time as well. I didn't really want to have to go by a list but I realized it really does help keep my organized. Yesterday, I had the slap in my face feeling of, "I'm growing up and things are resting on my shoulders." With needing to get a job to pay for gas and get a car and the fact that if I don't do it I won't have anyone saying, "Elizabeth, remember to do this or that." It just won't happen and then the consequences will be on my shoulders. It was scary and it made the universe seem very cold. But mom assured me this was part of growing up and I'm actually doing good for myself because I've got my head on my shoulders, I'm doing drugs, I don't have relationship problems, I'm not pregnant and I am in a good place in my life. So I decided that I was going to go ahead and start writing a list but it did help to talk to my mom and remember that change and growing up is always scary because it's a transition and new is usually scary to people. But I don't want it to paralyze me or to not grow up at all. That's the scariest thing of all so I am going to try and put my all into it.
Tomorrow I will be going to talk to someone named Pat to see if she can help me with hearing voices and maybe learning how to control that. I don't want to stop hearing from God or from my higher self but sometimes I have trouble sleeping because I hear voices or I sense things around me. The other night I was fine with the darkness though because I remembered Aymee saying, "Sending darkness is fine too. Heck, what would we do without shade on a hot day?" It was good point and I knew even if there was something lurking in the darkest spot of the room it was only my fears that I would face which were blocks from being my truest and most beautiful, free self. It was my blocks from love so it would only be a growing experience even if a tough one. I also know that the darkness is what helps me to sleep, it can be a very nurturing thing when you think of it this way and also that you were in darkness while in the womb. When I stop seeing the world from the 'pure and righteous looking at evil' veiw, things aren't so daunting anymore. I'm not scared of the world when I know the world isn't 'wrong' and I try to respect beings for whatever they are. Doesn't mean I don't have boundaries but I also don't like walking over other's or getting in my mind that something is worth my fear or hate. Those are not emotions I want to stew around in myself. I'll face 'em but I don't want to purposefully go after them. They aren't and haven't been beneficial for me long term. They can be good to break through things but they aren't after all, the end result emotion that I'm looking for. We'll see how tomorrow goes though I'm rather nervous since I'm not sure how to explain what it's like when I haven't been actively doing it lately and it's really hard to relate to anything that one's feels normally. But I just have to have faith in myself and in the Pat lady if she is going to be helpful for me.
It's in God's hands and with love I give it.
-Eli
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