Enlightenment

I once longed for more from this world
I once longed to fly
To be able to manifest anything at the flick of a wrist
To live in a universe unfolding like magic
Which would satiate every creative need
I didn't understand why I couldn't have this
I believed I could have anything, I knew it in my core
I knew that there is more out there
That past, present, and future is mostly illusion
I sensed that all these things and more were possible, just like the miracles promised to us by Jesus
I had seen my own miracles
Yet it's all fools gold
All beautiful illusions to distract me
Now, I'm glad
I'm thankful I never got those things
I'm thankful I never found the one
I'm thankful I'm not yet famous and wildly successful in my career
I'm thankful my ego hasn't been blown up
I'm even thankful I got thrown off my ego trip from 2011 - the guru Godd illusion...that somehow the earth rotates around me and not the sun.
I'm thankful for another rock bottom
It's a gift
To not be given all that I wanted
A revelation worth more than gold, fame, fortune, magic of any kind has become apparent to me.
Everything else would've been a distraction, how lucky we are. How lucky I am...now it all makes sense why a universe that could be anything would unfold like this. 
It is always pointing to this truth which cannot be translated. 
Imagine, this world a simulation...i dare you to go to the edges of where you believe the simulation ends. Go, child, to the edge of the mountain top...it's right there on the edge where you are so close to passing the point of no return, lost forever, where it may pass through your awareness.
Some will find it sitting still, some will be truly lost...there is no rule on how to experience it.
Enlightenment can only be experienced in this forever now moment. The only thing that actually exists. 

Shift in Perception.

There is a twist in my heart where at a certain age I had to grapple with certain realities of life which made me question my very understanding of reality and my relation to it...my identity.
That twist is the crack in my tectonic plates where great pressures rubbed together to create something new. Along the leylines and rivers of my soul...this twist is the source of who I am now...but it has changed so, so much over the years. For the longest time I was searching from healing from this grief and anger and hurt. I thought the twist was wrong and that it only knew darkness and pain. The truth is it is simply another perspective of life that I never had before and one that was difficult for me to grasp on my own at that age. Truth is, it's still hard to accept but I am not the fearful little girl I once was. Now, I KNOW my strength. I have seen it in action and I have much more faith in my ability from experience. 
I believe at the source of this twisted perception with which my hallucinations were born...there is deep wisdom. If only I can stop fearing myself and learn to accept my own fullness...a vulnerability I haven't come close to achieving yet...I will find a new level of realness and fulfilment.  That's my goal.

Empaths' Compass

The disappearance of the girl.
It amazes me to this day the experience I had with Spirit during my relationship with Tristan. Time and time again I was given clear signals of how our relationship would end and that it was very toxic for me but I rebelled against that guidance.
I began to lose myself in the relationship...overtime I didn't recognize the girl in the mirror. Still, Spirit sent me messages through people, art...music...everything it possibly could. One of the songs that I feel like spoke to me loudest and clearest was Phildels song The Disappearance of the Girl.

I remember listening to the song...it spoke deeply to me but I just couldn't let myself believe it. I was in denial. Sometimes, even when you have an empaths compass...your heart can mislead you. 

Innate talent

It's been a little bit since I last posted on here...i float in between worlds of wanting to jot down my thoughts  🤔💭 or craving to be free of them and simply rest. 😪💤 The latter wins out a lot simply because I work a lot and want sleep by the time I'm headed to bed.  🛌 I always find that I do better when I will journal a little bit. 
Tonight,  I was pondering something. Why is it that some of us our born with the natural ability to do things?  I,  for example, have always excelled at art...I intuitively know how to create works of art without much training at all.  I early grasp shading and mixing basic colors to get the perfect color or tone that I'm looking for. 🎨 I was born with this natural knack for art and the more time I've spent with it... The stronger it's become. My boyfriend on the other hand has a natural ability to understand the mechanics of things. He hasn't had any official schooling on how to work wires or build complicated wired systems and yet his mind understands it intuitively. Just like me, he gets hyper focused when he is working on a project or fixing something...he loves the challenge just like I love the process of creating! His boss often asks him how he's able to know what to do and where he learned it from - it comes to him naturally. 
I have wondered what that comes from...there really isn't a modern day scientific explanation for it❓🤔💭❓ I have theories, of course!  One,  is it possible that we reincarnate and in a past life we learned these things? What if it's passed down genetically?  Or is it a spiritual gift bestowed to us? What if it's a combination of both or not at all?  Why do most people require lengthy training in an area that only a select few intuitively excell at? 
Just some passing thoughts before bed. 

Create Responsibly

For as long as I can remember I've been honing my creativity...it's always been my passion and later in life I realized it was also a true talent of mine.
I'm talented creatively in more than one way...and my charismatic personality sets me up perfectly to walk the walk of a nature born artist.
My whole life I've had a knack at sensing things before they happen...intuition/sixth sense in a way along with other spiritual gifts. Suppressed or accepted, these gifts are always there.
It has served me well in moving through the darkness ahead of me. I had once stepped out to become an actress and I believe I truly could've made something with that career. But, fear held me back. There were times that I have regretted that choice but looking back now, I was only 12. I had no idea yet that I was also a natural born addict and the struggles that were ahead of me. I tend to believe that I was protected by my angels. Just as I have always been...protected in 2011 from spiritual warfare and protected in 2015 from drug abuse and bad relationships.
I'm just now truly healing...at the age of 24. I'm grateful for a chance to rehab and that I gave my mind, body and soul time to heal...that I didn't push myself like a good work horse. Society is so centered around pumping out results for the consumer that it's inhuman. We've lost the pause...the stillness of mind body and soul. The connection to our spiritual man.
I love hard work and it's part of the tools in my spiritual toolkit that helped save me. But everything done in moderation. We are so easily 'holic about things. Workaholic alcoholic, ect.
The void I need to fill isn't found thru those means.

The path I chose didn't bolster my ego. It was full acceptance that I needed precious TIME to heal. My most valuable asset. I am coming out now and seeing the world thru new eyes.

I don't want my passions to be about making the money or forgetting my purpose to bolster my ego. It needs to have sound purpose and reason. I want to create responsibly....like my favorite artist Kerli.
My talents are true...but they were not born of me...they are a responsibility to this world. This hurting world...I want to be a part of the solution, not the problem. I pray I will have the courage, strength and wisdom to do that.  

Authentic Living

My beliefs...I can only say I truly know there is a higher power that exists in this life which has been there for me all of my life. But I sense in my heart that thousands of years of shamanic practices have credence to them. I sense and believe there are fairies. I feel there are many types of spirits from guides, alien energies...earthling/fairy type energies...ghosts and ancestors. I believe there are many types of God/Goddess energies. Who knows what is really happening on the other side. It's not my goal to break the veil...or to contact the darker energies of my past. But my soul has lacked some authenticity in the fact that I haven't been fully embracing my beliefs about spirits and nature and the ability to heal and change energy. I believe in these things and maybe that at times could make me ungrounded but I will not deny that they affect me.
I want to create practices which honor these beliefs. I want to reclaim my authenticity...to no longer fall victim to vampires who see the potential and want to take advantage of it.
I will shine my authentic light and feel comfortable in my own damn skin being who I am and believing in what I believe.
I feel I have overcome my inability to speak my truth or stand up for my own feelings...now, it's once again time to step into the fullness of my own being. I don't have to be afraid. I feel like the fairy will help me heal these physical ailments I've struggled with...I do not hate my physical ailments...each one had guided me deeper into my soul to reveal a soul sickness. The body is simply a mirror for my soul...when it suffers, so do I.

Light is on its way

I was thinking about the time I went to Imagine Festival with Tristan and the experiences I had. Not all of them were pleasant since I taking drugs that I'd never tried before.
This was at a time that I was so depressed and struggling to not be suicidal. I remember that my life flashed before my eyes as I realized that taking random drugs could quite possibly kill me. I saw my brothers Zach's fate mirroring my own. I saw how my life could end tragically like his...it wasn't impossible and I was starting to accept a fate like that because of my depression.
It was a time where I was totally spiritually bankrupt. I couldn't hear my HP anymore and that's because I didn't want to...everytime I listened my body filled with terrible anxiety and my cells literally screamed, "Stop living this way!! Before it's too late!!" That's not what I wanted to hear. I didn't want to change yet...not if I had to sacrifice my fixes.
But listening to the EDM music...I heard my HP's voice reaching me...bringing me back into the light...I had a spiritual experience - remembered the truth of the light and that this was my one life...it didn't HAVE to end tragically...that was a choice. I could allow my HP to help me...I just had to be willing.
My HP came to me in a multitude of ways...mostly through art since I wasn't listening to friends and family anymore. Games, music...my favorite artist. I'm lucky that I have the ability to hear and notice the messages of my higher power...it literally saved my life.

Wings

It's difficult to grow up...speaking strictly for myself and not the cliche...though I can agree with the age old tale of struggling to grow up. Transitioning from a human being who has much more responsibility on their shoulders and a lot more freedom. Truth is, I haven't quite flown far from the nest yet...is it fear of the unknown? I think it's more how badly I got hurt when I first took that leap to live on my own. Did I grow? Oh yes...I'm stronger now than ever before and I am hooked up with a program that really works when I apply myself. It's my new umbrella of protection...no matter what happens.
I wanted to write about my difficulties of transitioning into adulthood and the struggles I've had with resentments and feelings of things being unfair...but it's the opportunities I'm missing out on that bother me the most.
I haven't opened my wings yet...I'm terrified of where they will take me...I'm free now to be my own person, build my own world...Express something my own special signature into the universe. I'm scared to take the train. It's not that I'm wasting time...I'm not wasting time. I have a job, a great love, friends & family and I am following my passion of art...I have a spiritual community...a connection with art. Yet, I am too comfortable and being comfortable is never synonymous with growth.
Not that comfortable is bad...when was the last time I've had stability in my life? My mind is healthier than it's been for half of my life. That's a fucking miracle but it's taken a lot of hard work and support from friends and family. I didn't get there over night.
Still, I feel my wings are closed. I have so much to say...SO much to experience and share with this universe...but I hold back. It's not time yet, I say to me. Soon.
But I grow impatient...don't let life pass me by...I also say to myself.
Get out of THAT particular comfort zone...being seen by the world for who I truly am. All my vibrant, loud colors. Even the darker ones that might scare some people away...that's okay. I will never be everyone's cup of tea.

Work is like family

In modern psychology it is said that we choose mates based on our relationship with our parents early on. But what if it doesn't end there? What if our jobs tend to reflect our early home life? A job is often like a family...each person has their role.
Interestingly enough, my job reminds me of my family paradigm. Everything was incredible in the beginning...Everything was new and shiny and fun! I learned so much from my manager and everyone was happy to answer my questions. There was my boss who every one was scared of but he tended to like me and I only saw his bad side every once in a while. It felt like part of the job, I expected to have some rough feedback when I made mistakes. Just like growing up, I knew punishment was part of my child rearing.
My manager was usually very friendly but when she did lay down the law she did it  like a true Scorpio...just like my dad. She was a good and natural leader at my job.
Then, a few years in, she left. Everything changed...just like during the divorce. We didn't have a true leader and now everyone fights for power. Some use guilt, others use fear or manipulation. Things don't run as smoothly and more often we see my bosses ugly side.
A lot has happened but over time the feel of this job has changed and I have just wanted to run. But I'm trying not to run from things, anymore...But run TOWARDS things. Face my challenges and overcome what I can.
Just like a family, I don't always like all the members and resentments tend to build. It's a chance for me to learn to set healthy boundaries without having a shitty work ethic. That can be a balance but I believe it's possible. It's not my job to fix anyone or hold anyone responsible for their bad work ethic. It is my job to deal with my resentments and to remain professional. I plan to do that.
If work replays our early family life...I know now what I needed back then were boundaries, speaking up for my needs and addressing my co-depenedency. For the most part I've been doing that but it can still creep back in there if I'm not careful. Speaking of co-depenedency...it wouldn't hurt for me to make an ala-non meeting this week.

Responsibilty

One of the the scarier things I've had to undergo in my life is dealing with physical health issues. Talk about feeling a loss of control and having your ideas about self diminish.
When I was first diagnosed with IC I went into a deep depression...they wanted me to have surgery and take pain medication. The professionals were telling me there wasn't enough information on my condition and so there was no cure and really there were only invasive treatments.
Luckily, I was raised by a mother who believed in alternative paths of medicine. One of those paths led me to a very knowledgeable herbalist who not only helped me relieve my symptoms but basically cure me of them. She gave me hope.
The issue with not being able to use modern medicine is there is no "quick fix" to my health problems. I have to do the research, I have to put in the work...and i have to be brave enough to keep trying over and over and over everytime I fail. Which I have. I have failed as much as I've succeeded.
My body is what made me take responsibility for my life...My body couldn't take anymore abuse and it refused to take it one more day without me being very aware of it's pain. But the responsibility can be such a huge burden to bear. Maybe because for so many years I really didn't care what I put into my body or how it would affect me later in life. I was truly naive.
Hurting my body was my means of escape from reality. I hurt my body intentionally at times but often time unintentionally...I just craved escape from my body. I wanted to be somewhere else mentally, physically and emotionally.
2011 was the greatest example of that desire to be somewhere/someone else and my body's reaction to it. My body is what grounds me to this planet and makes me whole. I have a responsibility to be the right sort of steward over it. I am one with my body and it will always do it's job...But it does rely on me to make certain lifestyle choices, be informed and nourish it with life giving nutrients.
Today is Easter and I woke up to fear, exhaustion and tears over my health. I am still struggling with candida/leaky gut issues after years of succeeding and failing trying to overcome it. I've used food as a way to change how I feel for years.  Bad food was a way that I emotionally *pampered* my hurt soul. Not realizing it was making everything worse.
Entering the 12 step program has been a life saver for me because it shows me that I have to be the one to take the steps towards freedom but I need others to help me finish it...I need a higher power to guide and to give me the strength to take on the hurdles which will come.
I haven't been to see my herbalist in over a year. I've wanted to be *free* of the responsibility of thinking of my health problems for a little while. But my body needs me and is crying out to me again. I have to be strong and step through this.
It is scary to feel like I may never succeed...not because it isn't possible but because I am too undisciplined.
I pray that my Higher Power will remove my obstacles in my way towards better health...so that I may be a better vessel of HP's will.

All paths have the same destination

If I was asked to paint the colors of my life as I've experienced...I would paint it with bright and happy colors but not just those. There would also be the darker, ominous ones...the stark ones that stick out like a sore thumb...the black hole. And it would be perfect that way. It's in the chaos that I found myself...it's in the light that I appreciate existence. But I cannot deeply appreciate life without knowing myself.
Just a few years ago, I was so much more naive than I am now...I am a lot more cautious now but it's my thirst for life which keeps me open to new experiences.
My higher power has done a good damn job of transforming this heart of mine!
When I think of those who came into my life...take Kirene for example...he was a guardian heart but he was also the temptation which opened the door to my 2011 obliteration and ultimate enlightenment. He was gentle, light...always giving me hope.
Now, take Tristan, he was devils advocate...a destructive force in my life. I danced with the devil when I was with him...he also led to another obliteration of self and AGAIN ultimate enlightenment. Truth is, it never TRULY mattered who it was and how much they did or did not love me...they led me to the same path. Because it was always about a relationship that I have with myself, God and how I relate to the rest of the world.
It felt like they were opposites...standing for something completely different but truth is...it didn't make a difference. What they led me to was exactly the same destination...
This is our life...this is my life and it's my chance to perceive the messages that are constantly being giving to me. Will I listen? Will I learn? Those are some of my good questions.

Gratitude Power

As I've mentioned in previous blogs, I'm a recovering addict. With this process of recovery comes the obtaining of different skills and tools to deal with life on life's terms. One of those spiritual tools is - gratitude. In the very beginning of my recovery my sponsor, at the time, told me to write a gratitude list every day. It was important for me to begin to see where my life was going well...the gifts in my life. It's honestly something that I can easily forget to do in the hustle and bustle of life. But it's quite important to me to remember where I once was and where I am now. Thinking on that for a minute truly brings a good does of gratitude to my heart.
I was in such a dark and hopeless place only a few years ago. I really felt lost and ashamed of myself. It's amazing how far I've come today...from a place of hopelessness to a place of confident joyousness and freedom [mostly from self]. My higher power has brought me through the storm of my own creation with grace and compassion. This relationship that I am building with my Higher Power is irreplaceable. It gives me a sense of purpose that I was sadly losing through the years. Without my Higher Power, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't have let go of some of the really awful things I was holding onto with an iron grip. The more I make a practice of meditating on what I have to be grateful for...the more I am able to see all that I actually have to be grateful for. I don't miss out on seeing the beautiful gifts that Source is sharing with me because I'm too busy sulking in the corner.  

Orbiting Truth

When I first created this blog I named it "Chasing True". That title really spoke of where my mindset was at...I was chasing after something I wanted to attain. I feel like I'm in a very different place now. Being true to myself and to the Highest Best is still my goal on a daily basis but now I see it much more like an orbit around Trueness and Truth rather than a chase. Being True isn't running from me - I am the one always navigating away from it. So, just like I re-center my thoughts during meditation whenever they drift, I re-center my focus/energy back to Being True whenever I lose track of it...I orbit back towards it. I know that I will drift away, but if I lock onto it's atmosphere by taking action daily...I will continue my orbit and not drift aimlessly into endless distractions in space.

Light

The depression is lifting from me. My soul is beginning to see the light of dawn again peeking over the horizon. I'm regaining my strength. My energy is returning to me...
I  stopped identifying myself as the old Elizabeth on a deep level after 2011 - I had rewritten my story for myself. I even changed my name to Ellie...bringing in a new, fresh energy. But! The old Elizabeth wasn't GONE...she just wasn't my source of identity anymore...I used the Elizabeth who was a child, pure and innocent to birth the new me. I accessed all the parts of myself which I believed to be the very best parts of me and I created an identity from that. I turned my sails away from the destination I was headed in...which was a rather dark and destructive one.
But what I was unaware of was what would happen when I sailed through the storm which was surrounding me from my former choices and beliefs...I still HAD to face what I had created for myself before 2011. Part of that was coming to terms with my addictions + issues with boundaries. I am still recovering from that but the source of me is different. I have not lost hope...and that light which I found in 2011 still burns in my heart. As I continue sailing forward on my new path...I understand there will be challenges a long the way...even as the newer, fresher me.

When I am able to be truly connected to the light within me I'm overwhelmed with gratitude.

Dark Woods

As a young teenager, I became impressed with a deep sense of intuition...I was actively seeking out answers to life's mysteries + filling my mind and heart with books of magic and heroics. My artwork and my own story-telling transformed into a way for me to peek into my own future...was it self fulfilling prophecy? I tend to believe it was the power of my subconscious bleeding through into my creative outlets.
I began to see the Jungian archetypes in reality before I even knew what that was. I believe my first glimpse at them was in seeing it in my artwork combined with the artwork and story-telling of the artists I was drawn to. Even Disney stories held classic archetypes. I began to understand that I was on a hero's journey...that the true challenge in my story would begin when I turned 18...just like in all the books I had been reading and from there I would discover my true strength and magic...I would undergo a transformation just like the Disney princesses...I would go through an ego death...literally a part of me would die so that I could be born anew with strength I hadn't had before. But I knew that meant that I would go to the underworld...aka I would fall into a deep sleep like Sleeping Beauty and that in this sleeping realm I would navigate the treacherous lands filled with dangerous beings...to find my true self and rescue the land...freeing myself and ultimately freeing the land. Then I would return, I would awaken from my slumber a new person. I drew pictures of it...I wrote stories...I had in my mind what would happen.
Yet, I still never could have expected 2011. It was exactly what I predicted. I fell into another state of existence...as if falling under a spell...I had to traverse treacherous territory in my own mind...but inside my mind - I literally saw another world. It's like I was inside my subconscious...
Thinking back, I had practiced walking around in my subconscious mind with Carla...we would envision a world and meet there. Apparently this was "astral travelling".
I predicted everything that happened to me.

Now, 7 years later...there is so much that I have experienced. 2011 prepared me for these battles. I had NO idea what I'd be facing even with the ability to see into my fate. Sometimes I have felt that my intuition into myself is a curse...that I see too much. But now I am grateful for it...it the ability to see when it truly matters. It is a gift. But I believe just like the gift of recovery, it feels like a curse when you are in self destruct mode. When I try to avoid, or not face truths about myself...gifts can feel like curses. Our very salvation can look like the fucking gates of hell...it's interesting how perception changes everything.

I am not out of the dark woods yet...I underestimated the war that has been wages within myself. But this time I'm on the other side...I'm not sleep walking like in 2011. The battle for my soul rages on. I didn't know before what was happening to me but now I do or atleast I can see more.
When running through the woods, I must remember, don't give up even when it's hard...on the other side of the challenge is something I won't want to miss! I will fall prey...I will lose my way...But the more that I can stay on the path to freedom...the better off we all will be. The dark woods confuse and distort things...make it hard to see things clearly...But I believe in the light within my soul.

Sensitive

I've wondered why I have felt so different from others all my life. Luckily, at this point in my journey I have met MANY people like me...From all sorts of walks of life.
I believe I'm a natural born witch. I can perceive things which not all people can in a spiritual nature. My ability to experience what I did in 2011 lends me to believe that and other experiences I've had and continue to have to this day. I experience things both externally such as seeing ghosts or faeries, whatever you want to call them, having deeply synchronistic experiences and literally being able to read someone's energy also heal them from pain.
Internally it's more complicated...I have a strong intuition, ability to hear and communicate with Spirit, manifest both positive and negative experiences, process and understand high level psychology studies,  see universal patterns in almost all aspects of life.
I am sensitive, I perceive a lot. I believe I am empathic and soak up the energies of others. I need rejuvenation time.
I have wanted to ignore these things about myself after 2011 because I didn't want to see the truth. I just posted about comfort and Coping and honestly it put me do far outside of my comfort zone that I am forever changed. My human psychology was almost cracked horribly by it but luckily I able to make it out singed and of course I was able to carry with me the goods of that experience. The gold, the deeper understanding of reality which paves the way for a deeper level of experiencing life...less asleep.
It's not recommended to do what I did. Honestly, I was young and naive and while I knew I had special abilities I didn't know the appropriate ways to use them. I also didn't know how VERY real it was. I was still trying to convince myself of its realness.
I can't say I can give you a definite explanation of what all of this is.
One can easily chalk it up to mental illness. I have even preferred that at times because then it would all just be shit in my head. But I can't unsee what I've see and I can't unknow what I now know.
One could easily say it's narcissistic behavior to believe I have these abilities. But I don't think we have truly figured out what is going on. There is still to much unexplained.
My story, my reality, my ability to cope with all of this is to see them as deeper perceptions of reality...similar to having good eyesight, taste, touch and hearing. Or like being someone who is really talented at art. We all have the ability, some are naturally born with more of an inclination towards it.
2011 has simply taught me that I have to be careful with it. I'm really not sure even what that means right now. It's a hard place to be because a part of me wants to understand more and another part of me is terrified.
But part "who I am" [the story I have for bring me] is someone who embraces all of who she is...Even if it's scary.
I just need the right place and time for it...The right kind of environment. I pray to my higher power that, that be revealed to me.

Untamed

When? When did being Elizabeth stop being enough? What clicked? When did I realize I had to be a hero?
Was it the fairytales? The cartoons and movies? Was it middle school - not feeling like I could ever fit in...being the chameleon. No one really noticing me, realizing I wasn't that important.
Somehow, I feel this journey is my birthright. The discovery of self. The dichotomy of realizing my smallness and infiniteness all at once. I am both simply a 24 year old girl who lives in a small town and the Universe incarnate. We all are. We are all on our own hero's journey.
But I have trusted my own mind, my own story as if it were written by God/dess themself. Truth is...I am only a drop in the infinite ocean of knowledge and wisdom. Of course we create our pathways and territories in our own mind...to be truly, deeply open to the infinite is to be obliterated...I know from experience of stepping too close to the edge of all things solid - the great Void.
I was close enough to taste it...close enough to be forever changed by it. We need our stories, our individual lives which solidify our sense of separateness. We also need the Void, our connection to great Spirit, the womb.
I am enough, exactly as I am. I make mistakes, I am not a mistake. May the song in my heart be Hope-bringing. May I remember my animal nature and dance one with the stars who guide us. I am not alone on this journey of Self.
No longer will I try to be bigger than I really am. Grant me this wish, heart. Grant me the wish of allowing me to simply be Ellie. The girl who loves with all her heart but is human.
May I look in the mirror of life and see myself...No editing, no censoring, no bolstering of an image...me.
When the Void touched my being...a huge part of me died. I believe our sense of self rests in our perceptions of self. Those perceptions were sliced to pieces. Honestly, I lost most perception of self except for the obvious perception that I was alive, conscious and processing the world around me. I didn't feel male or female and sometimes both but by the worst part of it...The most intense and terrifying, I felt empty...like i was a ghost that could fade away into the walls around me. Even with my friends and family standing around me, trying to help me...I felt like a tiny whisper over thousands of much louder voices.
No one could help me, not my family and not the strangers who looked into my eyes...Those strangers looked at me as strangers always had. Even though I felt like I was dying on the inside. Not the painful kind of death, the slipping from this reality into the other sort of death.

Comfort. The comfort you feel as a small child when your mother holds you close to her chest and you know that you will be okay. The comfort of your father tucking you in before bed and telling you that the boogeyman won't come to get you.
Comfort. Having a meal to eat, water to drink, a warm bed to rest in...a car to take you places...a cell phone to connect you with the world. Sweet foods, drugs and alcohol. Books that take you to another world. Stories, stories bring us comfort. Is comfort always a warm fuzzy feeling? Comfort and Coping mechanisms. Coping mechanisms bring comfort, bring stability.
In 2011, I had no comfort. I couldn't feel the warmth of my bed. Even sleep was no friend to me because I was still in that state in my sleep...I was asleep but my brain was awake. Like my eyes, the eyes of my whole being had been taped open and no matter how hard I tried to look away I could not.
Why do we have to cope with real life? It means to see life for ALL that it truly is, is very uncomfortable. Terrifying, heartbreaking, unthinkable...We can't wrap our brains or our minds around it. Even the things which bring us joy. It's hard for us to perceive it all, it comprehend it all. We are animals with eyes that see more than they know how to handle.
All the other animals don't go through what we go through. Are we so sophisticated? It's easy to feel that way when we compare ourselves to other creatures. But we are the only animal on this planet with this sort of understanding of life. Other animals learn more from one another because they are on similar levels of consciousness. Who do we have to learn From? We are the only humans. We haven't met our ET brothers and sisters if they are out there. We are here, alone as the only species with this level of consciousness and we are trying to figure it all out.
So we cope. And we still seek the comfort that generation passed have shown us works...and new comforts that technology brings us. How much of our advancement has to do around coping with reality?
We talk about how we are pioneers of finding the Truth...through science, through spirituality but we do not discuss as openly and honestly and PROUDLY our journey towards coping and comfort.
I am human. I am an animal. If I step too close to the sun, just like Icarus, I will burn. Reality of life, the Truest Truth is like the Sun and I must be like the Earth...I must orbit it...never too close to be burned by it.
We need our stories that we tell ourselves...our stories help us cope and navigate through the realities of this life. Everyone knows the wild is harsh and unforgiving, while it may also be magical and life giving.
Do we truly believe we can tame life? We haven't. And we never will until we control life and death. Death is the wild unknown, untameable aspect of human life.
So What? Cope until I am thrown into the abyss?
I am not tame. Life will always win through death. No one cheats death. Not saying in the future we won't figure out how.
But currently we are being dishonest. We have forgotten we will die...I know, it's for comfort...it's for civility and being a good citizen in this society...conform to have the modern comforts this society offers.

I am going to die one day. It haunts my every step. I hear it when the clock ticks. The clock slowly ticks away my life and the life of all those I will ever know and love. It's terrifying and yet we must find ways to cope. This is only one terrifying reality in millions.
Do other animals deeply and truly know they will die one day like we do?

We try to gain control but so little we actually have. We possess power, especially with our technology...great power. But we lack great wisdom. And power is not control. Because the forces we are up against cannot be controlled.

I cannot say what happens in the future and what will be reality and truth in the future. Maybe one day we will meet ET brothers and sisters who will help us to understand everything better. Maybe our technology will literally keeping us from dying, open the door for time travel or interdeminsional travel. Maybe we will realize our psychic abilities...heal ourselves and end all wars...

But so far, reality, all the stories I've ever read and generations of history has shown that there will still be challenges...We will still experience powerlessness, pain and suffering and need a way to cope.
Things are never so black and white.

All I know right now is I'm learning the balance of coping to survive as human during this time of being human and how to open myself to the light of Sun/truth which burns away everything but what is.