Where I Stood

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gcXX1RTAA0s

Sometimes it's important to grieve. "I don't know, I don't know who I am without you." It's true, there are a few people who left my life that those very words apply. I didn't know who I was without them..."All I know, is that I should." And all I knew when walking away was that I should.

I want to write a little poem dedicated to someone I love very much.

I'm Proud of You

You were there
For my first breath
I cried in your embrace and you wiped away the tears
All the while, over the years
I grew to think on my own
You weren't perfect, anymore
I could see things that I didn't want from you
I could see your faults and I didn't want them to be there
We fought and yelled and we said things we didn't mean
I thought I knew better and it made me mad that I did
But when I close my eyes, I feel your warmth
I see your strength and your sacrifice
It's as if I couldn't see you at all
In truth, I find you brave and beautiful
In truth, beyond all of our flaws - there is a star
Your heart
is like the moon in the night sky
Shining in the darkness
Sometimes you made mistakes, big mistakes
And I can only hope that I will know an unconditional love
that you have shared with me and my big mistakes
"God lives in our hearts," something I learned from you
There were times when fear got the best of you
It also got the best of me
I was always looking for more in you
It wasn't until the day that I saw the spectacular person you were, faults and all, that I could see your divinity.
You are my mirror
I see the little efforts you put forth, everyday
I saw the strength in your eyes when you put your faith in me
I will not blame you for what you didn't do
But thank-you  for all that you did do
Because, I am proud of you. I love you so very much.
And from now on, I would like to take responsibility for my own well being - I do not have to begrudging towards those who did not give all that I wished for.
There does seem to be a wellspring of life within me and I never lack
I see your heart and your efforts
Thank-you, for I do not take it for granted

Anyway, I am releasing a relationship demand. It is no longer healthy for me to continue with it and I wish to be true to who I am. I don't really want to but in a way I do. I like being around my friend and I cherish this person. Yet, I don't like my boundaries being overstepped...I really don't like that. I will trust my higher power. It's a risk and it may be painful. My goal is to lead a healthier life, for all involved. If you knew you were aiding an unhealthy behavior, would you stick around?  

Trouble's the Chaos Storm

"I don't know...if you know who you are, until you lose who you are."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNoKguSdy4Y
This song by Taylor Swift ~ I am really resonating with. Listen to the song but not just the song, the words she says in the beginning and at the very end. I see the "trouble" as a way of being more than just a man...It was an idea that was living out, inside of me.
The man I was in love with, I do believe that I truly benefited from and shared a pure love with. I also think there was a flip side to it. Whether it was truly him or not, it didn't matter, I believed it was. And at the time there was a darker part of me taking root. It was the "trouble" I was getting into. And truth be told, "I knew you were trouble the moment you walked in." Couldn't be more true for the situation I was in. I knew it was trouble. But I was enchanted by him and by "the trouble".
And when it was all over, I was like Taylor Swift...waking up to wreckage everywhere and no one in sight. "The worst part wasn't losing him but losing myself." And I did, I lost myself in a way I never had before. "I don't know if I'm ever going to feel that way again and I don't know if I should." It's true, I was enchanted by the way I felt...On the other side of it, though, I find myself saying the same thing, "I don't know if I should." And yet, I don't regret what happened because I'm not sure I would know who I truly am if I didn't lose who I was.

Just a quick thought ~
Love!

That's Why

Okay, so I know that I had some illusions when it came to my relationship with Kirene and sure, there is probably a lot about it that I don't understand.
But I do know my own heart and what he meant to me. I know that so much joy came from him. I think when it comes to my feelings for my friend...I like the aspects of him that remind me of Kirene.
Kirene was a protector, he was compassionate and kind but he was also very much of a man. He was the one person I did honestly want to marry one day. I had never really felt that way with anyone. It was always a "meh" feeling. But I felt happy, overjoyed when I thought of marrying him.
I don't want to be with someone who reminds me of him. I would just want to be with him. I would always be wanting that person to be him. I think that part of my life is over...When I walked away from him, I walked away from that life. The truth is...He had my heart. I hear you can love others and I think this is true but I don't think I can ever love others in that way again. Is it possible? Sure. Yet, I would always think of him...I had wondered if I'd be able to love that way still once walking away from him...I thought that I probably wouldn't. The thing is - if there was "the one". He was it. Yes, I believe truly God/dess is the THE ONE. But he was that one person that I loved in such a special way that I don't know if I could ever try to trade that out with someone else. It's like that part of myself is just out of business...Like he held that part of my heart and when I walked away from him...I walked away from that part of my heart.
Does it bother me? Yes, it does. It used to be one of the most important things to me in this life. Finding that love, finding him. But then I relied on him and my feelings were uncertain. I couldn't do that to us and I couldn't live this life relying on someone else for my own happiness. The truth is, I did sacrifice something great. And it wasn't just him but a part of myself. It was a choice I made for us both. I didn't want to let him go...I wanted to talk to him - anything...But I chose to let him go. I chose to be alone in that way. It was the scarier path, one without the comfort of his existence with me. Oh, I don't know. I just know I gave up something sacred because I was feeling in my heart that it was for the best. It took a lot of bravery on my part because that man...oh, how I didn't want to let go. I wanted to share that love with the world...I want others to know what it is like to love in this way. The only thing that has ever been similar is the love I share with my higher power. And then I see that love drips in through the cracks of our hearts with every relationship. I couldn't be selfish...I wanted to be. I wanted to keep him all to myself...But how could I?
Now, he is the light in my heart...Now he is the smile on my lips and laughter from my belly. That's how he lives on...through me. It isn't about us being together, anymore, in a completely selfish way. I want us to spread across the cosmos...this love...everyone should know. So I sacrificed what I had and made way for who I could be. I'm not looking for that sort of love, anymore. I'm not looking for comfortable happiness, either.
I want to explore who I am. I want to grow and growth will come when I am open to new things and new people. I am wanting to find someone else who is looking to grow. It's not about comfort, either. It's not about settling down or finding someone to spend the rest of existence with. I won't rule that out if it comes but that's not what it's about. It'll be about growth. I want to meet someone that I can grow with...Someone who also has a flower garden in their heart that they want to water. Let us nourish one another, as lovers.
Do I miss the old relationship paradigm I had? Of course! That sort of love was one of the most amazing experiences I've ever had. My had is still taken when it comes to that kind of relationship. Again, his love has morphed into a glimpse of my love for the divine because our love is spread across the cosmos. I am not ready to me intimate in that way.
I want to be free and I when I connect with someone I want it to be about mutual growth and love for one another. But that we will always let each other be free. Because my focus, I want it to be on my higher power. Which is what Kirene helped lead me back to.
My subconscious asked me, "Why?" Why did I walk away? Why did I change course? This is what I had always wanted and then it changed...
He's just where it all began. It's because with him I found eternity. It's because when I looked into his eyes I saw my own...It's because I realized that truly...we were all the universe. There was nothing stopping our love and nowhere it do not go....Because I realized, I am never not loving him or loving myself. It is always...our greatest love story....For as I love my family...as I love my animal friends...as I reach out to a stranger. And as I kiss my own reflection, I am loving us. We are one.
That's why.

Love is enough

So here I am, once again. I have been guided to make fearless self inventory of myself, tonight. It's amazing how God/dess can give you clarity and yet be such a joker all at once. I couldn't stop laughing non stop for about an hour. It was just one thing after the other. <3

A few nights ago I was reflecting on the amazing relationship Kiye and I had. I thought of how I transformed...the sacredness of what we shared and the times I was with him and I wondered what it would be like if he was gone. I thought of the moments where I was just happy to be with him. I remember hoping that I would never look back with regret but always be grateful for the experience. Some people don't even know love like that exists or is possible. It was so much more than a fairy book love. And I lived it to it's fullest. It will always be a special gift that was given to me. Even if I say these words, I know no one else can know it like we knew it. So recently it got me to thinking, "How was I able to let it go and what for?"

I remember why I did originally. There are plenty of reasons but it finally came down to the fact that I knew it was not in the best interest for him or for me. This is what my heart was telling me...

Tonight, I was watching a favorite show of mine and one of the main characters is speaking to her true love who has been brought back from the dead but now he is a monster - the conversation goes like this:

Andrew: Please, stop the pain.

Regina: How?

Andrew: Let me go...

Regina: I can't! I love you...

Andrew: Love can.

And then the pain becomes too much and he switches back into a monster and tries to attack her so she freezes him with her magic and through sobs turns him to dust. Then she finally says, "Goodbye, Andrew."

It hit home with me. The reason why and the reason how I could let him go was because I loved him...Because I loved us and I loved myself. It was because I loved - that I could let him go. Only love could be strong enough to help me to let go of someone I loved that dearly and who meant that very much to me. Love is pretty amazing, I'm telling you. 

It's weird when I lose someone who passes away...I usually get a sense of peace about them. But that's just because of my connection with the spirit realm. When I let go of someone - it's a different kind of pain. Not worse, just different. My heart is still raw from it and shy to open as much. And so I am gentle with it and I remind myself that everyone has to have their time to heal. It sometimes takes a while longer than expected. No matter how you've lost someone, you need your space to be able to grieve and to heal and then you let them go because love can. I had to be able to let a lot of people go so that I can keep living. If I didn't, I would be haunted by them like ghosts in my heart.

Tonight, as I laid in the tub I was reminded that I'm not my accomplishments, my items or my plans in life. I'm not my job and I'm not my friends. That's only extensions of "me" but who I really am goes beyond my body or mind. I remembered saying, "Being here is the biggest accomplishment of all. And that's something you can do without 'trying' to." And that's right, I'm still here. Those reading this, we all are. Let's stop for just a second....Be still...breathe deeply....look around...And remember our hearts in our chest that beat for us. Let's remember the sensation of this moment. Let's know it. Feel it. Be it. It's absolutely perfect. Nothing to do, nothing to be but be here and be me. I love you - drink those delicious words in as you read this. 

I love this life, full of dance and brethren. Art has been such a doorway for my growth. 

I ask the Universe...NO! The Multiverse to open the endless doors of possibilities for this one door that is just the most beautiful and divine and healing and best choice of anything of a job for me - so I can be exactly where I am supposed to be doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing and I will completely trust this experience for just that. All I ask is that I know for certain, that the opportunity has arrived, please. And as I say that I think I really do know where I am supposed to be. Thank-you! :] <3 <3 <3 Time to talk to Aymee again. 

Stepping out on faith.

Just think on this, meditate on this: "What you seek is seeking you."-Rumi

You are free. 

LOVE,

Elizabeth

Don't wait

Don't wait for greatness to be great.
Are you waiting for something? Are you wishing for something that you don't quite have, yet?
In the womb of our mother's, we mostly slept. We ate and we blinked our eyes...maybe we would kick. There wasn't much to do but that was because we were still growing...we need to be right where we were so we could grow strong and healthy. It was a pivotal part of our growth. If we had rushed out too soon...we wouldn't be strong enough or developed enough to survive.
So, if you're like me and the most adventure you get right now is while you are washing the dishes...don't despair. Put your all into those dishes...everything that happens before greatness is only prepping it for you but if you try to rush it then you won't be ready to survive it.
I rushed my awakening on myself and I was prematurely born into a reality that I couldn't understand yet. It's why I came back to the level that I am on now. Because I have more growing to be done on this level.
So while you're life may just feel like you're making the small kicks of a baby inside a womb...know that it is a pivotal part of your growth. The smaller things in life matter as much as the greater things...neither can truly exist without the other. Because when your time of greatness comes, you want to be ready for it.

A new beginning

What if I had the mentality that anything could be overcome? Even if it doesn't go away - I could still thrive. Simply because I do wish to survive and to continue to improve.

You are loved unconditionally and unconditioned. 

There was a time when I didn't want to die. I wanted to live on forever.
Then I realized that just like it's important for a story to begin, it's also important for a story to end. There is something just as beautiful in closure as there is in new beginnings.
And if one were to truly ascend in the body, would the old life they had not end, anyway? Form is finite and will come and go. It is only the . spirit that is truly immortal. This is what I've come to adopt as an idea.

In many ways, we die everyday of every second and we are reborn. Old skin being replaced by new, old perspectives being replaced or restored by new. We are not who we were yesterday. The only person that ever truly lives is in the exact moment, right now. When seen from this perspective, we realize we have already experienced death and rebirth - many, many times.

And in my heart I know, even when I closed the book after reading the final page of the final chapter...the story lives on. Whether in my heart or in another world. Its spirit is a timeless force.

What if death is a door?

True You

I want to talk about the possibility that who we think we are, are quite literally a multiple of entities. At least, the personality is. I have already come across the idea of an "inner council". Which is why a person can argue with themselves or have an almost completely personality depending on mood, situation or nothing at all. There is also the idea that we all have guides which are real beings who have most likely incarnated on the Earth before but not always. When I went through my awakening last year - every aspect of myself had a "voice". Different locations of my body had it's own consciousness. No longer did I see myself simply as Elizabeth but Elizabeth with many, many facets. Almost as if Elizabeth were a great ship and whoever spoke from my actual lips or thought my thoughts was just at the controls of the ship. This is the best metaphor. Since we are all one, anyway, this wasn't too shocking to believe that our guides and other aspects of ourselves are what make up what we call "I". Any person who has empathy has experienced feeling someone else's feeling as their own feelings. And to someone who can't tell the difference between their distinct own thoughts can easily mistake another entities words for their own. Because not only do you hear the beings thoughts but you feel what they feel and the energy behind it. This shouldn't make a person feel helpless or paranoid. I do believe beings can only speak to you through "portals" that you have open in your energy. Whatever frequency you are sending out is what you will be available to, for the most part. Because it is like you are tuning into a specific radio station. It doesn't mean other beings from different frequencies cannot contact you but it does make it that much more difficult - this is my speculation. I believe there are beings whom are exactly WHO we are but they are part of our personality [which is again a huge ship with different passengers] and these beings are with us from the day we are born to the day we die. I also believe there are guides who are connected to use and do have an impact on our personality but they still are living on their own realms. I then believe that there are helpful beings that come to us as guides and it can feel like they are a part of us which is not completely inaccurate considering how energy works and the truth of existence but they are not planning to keep a connection in the way the other guides do. This is all speculation of course and mostly from what I've picked up and from what I've experienced. I'd love to hear some other views. Anyway, I've come to the realization that while my own fears and doubts may be present - other entities that feed off that energy will continually excite these fears and make them monumentally worse than they truly are. I believe all aspects of one's personality and the guides are important and definitely should have a voice but it's so important to know who you TRULY are. Which is you spirit. For me, I always see an incredible light being. This being doesn't exactly talk and it what I believe to be my direct connection to spirit. Once you know who you truly are then you are able to make decisions that are truer and you are able to embody your own spirit more. This is what I've experienced. I also realized that many of things I had been doing and thinking that I wanted to do was actual not something I was interested in at all and had nothing to do with the highest good for all. Getting in touch with your truest self is so important - otherwise...it's like drifting around with all this potential but doing nothing. This is the extreme of course. But I couldn't believe how much time I had been wasting on things that weren't part of my truth and how quickly that became clear to me once I was in tune with my true self. The personality is like the emotions, they are meant to be GUIDES not masters. The spirit is the Master. When I was going through my awakening there came a point where I just didn't know what to do anymore and though many part of myself and the guides had ideas...it simply wasn't working. And I just kind of felt like I didn't know what I was. Finally I got so annoyed and just threw my hands up, "Surely I can be of some help! Surely I have a purpose here!" And that's when my spirit came to me and I regained that connection. Then every time I would feel confused...I would tap into that nameless connection. Instead of listening to the guides or the personality voices. Because, at that point, I needed to be in charge. It was okay to let them guide me but I had to be the one making the decisions. This is also a way to move past anxiety. Your true self is not anxiety - your true self is more than a feeling and so you won't have to identify with that feeling but simply let it be there and pass through. And this happens naturally when you are identifying with your true self. I would say there is no set way of discovering your true self. Really it's not hard because you ARE your true self and so you are already being it. It's kind of like when you're first seeing aura's. You realize that you had been seeing those colors vaguely all of your life but you just didn't pay them any attention. It's similar with this. :] Much love to all of you!

BLISS out!

So, I think I am going to change this blocs name to Being True. It was never about chasing after or trying to find my true self. I AM my true self. But being true is a lifestyle, it is a daily choice that I make one day at a time. Very similar to how "being sober" if you are an alcoholic is a lifestyle choice not some magic fix one chases after. Also, "true" isn't running from me. It's always there for me. It's my choice if I open to who I truly am. That being said, I will write about the actual subject of this post. I have had a long few couple of months. In a few days I leave for a Bliss Out Retreat with Charis and Leija as the guides. Prep has been crazy! So much I won't go into. I just started my time of the month and so all the stuff going on has been an added stressor. There is a lot of stuff I have nbeen going through ext. So I am a bit worn out. There is still more prep to do. But today I stopped myself and made some hot tea. I grabbed a few books and some other fun stuff and went to the bed. No more worries for the night. It's time to relax, take a deep breath and maybe watch a funny movie. I am going to a BLISS Out retreat not a stress out retreat. I want this to be fun and easy. Relax into that. And use this new moon to send out intentions of more peace and bliss in my life and an ease that blesses all life.

Forgiveness means to let go

What are you truly afraid of, Elizabeth?
It's not being alone because you know you aren't alone
It's not that you won't ever be loved because you are loved
Is it that someone will love you unconditionally? They will never turn their back on you?
Hmm...But people, even spirits, are fallible. And now, you are the one turning your back.
You are so afraid you are walking away from the one person who will love you without fault
You know this isn't truth, you know it.
You don't want to spend this eternity alone. You don't want your happiness to depend on you. You want to hold onto that love that made you shine from the inside out. It wasn't wrong...that's where you were spot on. There was nothing wrong about this love. It did make me shine and it was beautiful.
But I think I was really off when I felt like nothing could step between us.

Now, I remember. I wanted to believe in two people finding a love that would "break the curse". No longer would we have to separate. A love that could defeat all odds. I wanted to the control.

But the truth is, we are all fallible. I am fallible, he is fallible. We just do the very best we can. There is a divine purpose to our existence and our choices.

Being responsible for one's own happiness and well being. Not waiting for "someone else" to save them. Nope. How can I ever truly be the beloved if I need "someone else" to be? If I want the Beloved and I to be one then I must be willing to accept the Beloved. And realize that the Beloved is source - within us all. I'm not alone, I'm just responsible.

Thank-you for those words, Aymee. Maybe, I am healing from one of the strongest misguided ideas yet. I just wanted someone there beside me. I did and do truly care for Kirene but I put too many other things on the relationship that wasn't healthy. He was my friend and my love but never was he meant to be the one who "fixed all my problems" for me. Never was he supposed to love me always and forever unconditionally. I wanted him to be free and I still want that. I want that for us both.

"Sometimes love means letting go when you only want to hold on tighter."

It can feel suffocating but how could I ever want to use what we had as a crutch from dealing with what I need to deal with? I also need to be able to sit with my loneliness and then just sit with myself. Be with me. So when I am with others, I can truly be with them, too.

I want real, healthy relationships. And I want it to be as much because of the people in my life as it is that I am doing the work with myself.

I am not walking away from love but embracing it. I'm being brave. Yes, it's a risk just like everything in life. But I'm listening to what I perceive to be wisdom and truth.
I ask my higher power for healing. I ask the Beloved for healing and peace that passes the understanding of the human mind.

Thank-you
Elizabeth  

Serenity

A couple of close people in my life know that I have slipped up and smoked again. But as I said to them, the smoking is only a manifestation of what's been going on within me. It's like a small reminder that, "Hey! I'm still here!" The addiction still needs to be worked on. I am feeling guided to go to Nicotine Anonymous meetings - starting online for right now.
It's been strange for me to put myself out there. I spoke with a dear friend about trusting others and putting your faith in others. She said to me that even if someone is a teacher or mentor of some type - the give and take is still 50/50 and it is never just teacher or student. It is always balanced out between the two, in some form or fashion.
People are fallible and to put one hundred percent faith in them is asking too much. She said what it comes down to is having responsibility for your own well being and happiness. Wow! That, right there, is the own conclusion I had been coming to.
She said when someone else speaks, listen to them with discernment, truly engage. No one has all the answers for me. But I am not alone, I am connected to this wonderful and huge collective consciousness. We do all come from the same spirit. And so when someone else speaks to me they are speaking from that same source.
It can be helpful to connect with the collective consciousness or to even ask for help from one person. I do have the power of choice. Which is why I think this serenity prayer is so important:
 SERENITY PRAYER - 
God grant Us the serenity, 
to accept the things We cannot change, 
the courage to change the things We can, 
and the wisdom to know the difference
Amen

<3
Elizabeth

Instantaneous Healing

Okie dokie, I've made it back to my blog site. :] So I've been coming into contact with this being whom I feel I need to let go of. I got a clear message from a friend that I needed to sever the bond before my trip to California.
I have been working to do that but I thought I'd need to work through "my stuff" to be able to release the bond. This doesn't seem as true now. After a day and a half of my stuff being dredged up, I feel like I am just wasting time. My body is even starting to feel sick again. I don't think I have the wherewithal to do it this way. I simply need to sever the bond.
I didn't want to do that though for multiple reasons: I needed to work through my stuff first [don't need to, I can have healing without doing that & understanding - I know because it's happened before] I still was holding onto the idea of him possibly being a healthy, helpful influence in my life [yeah...right.] And lastly, I simply didn't feel ready to sever the bond. [Well, too bad. It needs to happen.]
The unknown is on the other side of this. But I affirm that I completely and totally accept the unknown and change as long as it is an improvement from my current situation. 

I am being guided to hold my peace. That I don't have to dig through every little piece of dirt to get understanding. My higher power can bring all of that together for me. Hold my peace and stay focused on where my life is right now. This is about LETTING GO, not holding on to past behaviors. Because of me dredging it all up and not in turn focusing immediately on healing...My addictive tendencies flared hardcore last night. Luckily I didn't smoke again but I wanted to SO, so badly. I haven't had it this bad since I've stopped. Especially since there was no one smoking around me to trigger it.
I am being asked to learn that when facing my struggles, I can use my new found peace as a strong hold. I can see and face my pain but I truly do not need to dwell, right now. If things get dredged up on their own then that means it's time to face them but if they don't...I'm not sure how beneficial it is. At least, right now, since I'm just recovering from a bout of it.
So tonight I am going to sever the bond and ask for healing in all areas that need it. I am going to ask for understanding in all ways that I need understanding. That I can heal gracefully and miraculously. And then I am going to go to bed.
Right now a lot is going on and I really need to be on my best. It doesn't feel like time to go back into another place of depression. It takes bravery to risk something new. I know I'm afraid but I can find the light. I can gain a new perspective and insight...on relationships...on myself and my core. So here I go! :]

<3 <3 <3
Elizabeth  

Bully? Baby, you were born this way.

So about the bully stuff
I want to talk about what it's like to be bullied and what it's like to be the bully
I want to talk about what it means to believe in yourself even when you've got life's odds against you.
I don't advocate bullying. We're all in this together. We may be different and it's good to have your own individuality but we can learn to live together and respect one another, even celebrate our differences. Sure, there may be certain things that are and aren't accepted in a society but we can always go about it with love. Sometimes love isn't all flowery or anything but it's not closing yourself off from source. That connection with source is what keeps us sane, it keeps us from going on self destruct mode. We are self destructive and destructive to those around us.
But in the meantime, where we can't control what other people do at the end of the day. We can help put an end  to a lot of it but we can't truly control anyone. It's gotta' be a natural thing. We can totally help along the process but the only way to really do that is by focusing on oneself own growth.
So that's why I take on this subject with a personal level.

Let's pretend for just a moment that life is a huge archetypal game. It's a serious game.
When you come into this world you are innocent and you do not doubt who you are, you just are.
For me, my family was accepting of me and bullying wasn't accepted. I learned "right and wrong" from my family but besides that - who I was completely accepted. No doubts in me.
When I came in contact with the bully, there was a new idea implanted in my mind. People who didn't see me as precious or magical. I had to "earn my stripes" and since life depends on perspective, no matter what I did - there would always be someone who didn't like me...who I didn't please. So that's where clicks are made. Those who you feel you "fit in" with - those who will accept you but only if you stay within the ways of the click. I didn't like to fit into a specific click. I just saw people as people. I wanted to know them all. Except for those pariah's or really mean people. I learned that if you didn't carry yourself with confidence and have an air of "being cool" - weakness would be smelled and one would be devoured.
We were not celebrated for our uniqueness, many were mocked. It was "dog eat dog" world. Who was the dominant? Who was the alpha male? But ALL of us felt the pain. The pain of not being enough, of being humiliated and of wondering what are purpose was. Could we still be true and genuinely who we were without hurting others?
Can you stand in beatings without beating back? I didn't. I gave in as we all did and was going to perpetuate the madness. This disconnect and the message, the cruel challenge.
The bully is an archetype  The bully tries to overtake you. The bully tells you that you don't matter. But the bully lives in you and in me and sometimes the bully is expressed through you and I. Sometimes we laugh at others pain and humiliation. In this archetypal game - we have all the archetype's.
As said above, I wish to live in a world where the bully is no longer needed. There are things we can do to reach this new level but it all begins with ourselves. So here we are. The bully is at it again.
Do you choose to believe in yourself? Can you find that person who is flawless within?
The bully asks us the question. The bully is willing to do anything to you to make that answer be no. And sometimes you can't escape the bully. The bully is the manifestation of your fears and of your self hatred.

Do you deserve to live? Do you matter? Does anyone - even yourself...care for you?
Sometimes you just try to survive...Not just the bully outside but the one inside your head and heart.

And I didn't survive gloriously. Sometimes I believed the bully. Sometimes I became the bully. Sometimes I ran and hid from the bully. I made mistakes and no, I couldn't always handle it nor did I always stand up for myself. None of this is what truly matters, though.

In this life we get knocked down. It's simply the act of getting back up, brushing off the humiliation and trying at another day. This is strength. Only pride needs for you to be perfect. It is what keeps you from forgiving yourself and what makes you always strive to be the best. But what is pride if not fear? For pride is stipulation. You have to live up to a certain expectation to accept yourself. This is not truth. Love is where confidence comes from. You are free to be who you are - even if you slip up and fall. For you know that even in failures, there is a gain. You learn greatly from your failures and you also learn an important humbleness. We are all weak at some points, there is a child that will always live in us. It is the determination to keep trying that shows strength and helps build confidence. Continue to believe in yourself. Continue to root for yourself and what you believe in.

You matter
You deserve your own love
It is okay to be free
You are truly your very best when you are free and genuinely being true to yourself
You are a marvelous child of God

Blossom, break through the cocoon. It is struggle but it is making your stronger. For some reason in this life we all have something we struggle with.
Life asks us the question, "Do you TRULY believe in this? I can show you all the proof you need to not believe it." And it can. It can show you a reality where you fears are real.
But why? Why when there is just as much proof if you are willing to look that you are worthwhile?
This is where it comes down to one simple fact: You have the choice. No bully, circumstance or struggle can take that away from you.

You can choose what you believe. About yourself and about life. Choose what matters to you. Follow your own truth. Listen to who you truly are. You are perfect the way you are.

You can always, always choose love and freedom. You can always choose that you have simply had a enough.

I pulled myself out of public school and started homeschooling and going to church school. To some it could be running away but it's what I wanted to do and I don't regret it. Maybe you can speak out - refuse to let it be okay to be bullied. You don't have to do this alone. Don't worry about whether other's call you a coward. It take courage to speak out. It takes courage to stand up for yourself and what you believe in. Whether you get help or whether you do it on your own.
It doesn't matter if others say you are cowardly, weird or stupid - too sensitive. You decide what your boundaries are. YOU decide what you can and can't deal with. YOU decide what you think is okay to do or not and then you do what is best for you. It doesn't matter if other people can accept it. But I promise you this, when you are genuine and you do your very best to stand up for what you believe in. Especially if you are able to keep from blaming others but see that this all about YOU being true to YOURSELF there will be other people backing you up. You won't be in this alone. And even if you have to walk it alone for a little while - if you are doing what is best for yourself, you will feel love and respect for yourself. And guess who is the only person you will live with all of your life? Yourself. Not that bully.

Love you all, beautiful babies,
Elizabeth  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJalg6PcML8&feature=related
Perfect song <3 <3 <3
Whether life's disabilities
Left you outcast, bullied or teasedRejoice and love yourself today'Cause baby, you were born this way

Read more: LADY GAGA - BORN THIS WAY LYRICS 

You Are Pure Essence

Let courage conquer fear, let love still your hand
And the eternal search for truth guide you in total chaos.
Let the words of a friend snuff out those of your enemy
Let wisdom determine your actions through the misery
and the trust in your heart to lead you on your way back home.
Let intuition free your mind, 
Let mystery breed hope for the future
And the song of life sing you away from the horrors in front of your waking eyes.
Let pain transform you,
Let failures strengthen you,
And the determination of millions- -defeat a sense of hopelessness.
In all things, never risk not taking a chance
Never succumb to defeat,
Or not living your life to it's very fullest.
You're given this one soul, this on heart, this one chance to break free; spread your mighty wings and fly. 
To let that slip through your fingers would be the only mistake to make.
Don't ever give up, until the very end be strong and don't forget, your destiny is forever in the stars.

Elevate

So, I sit down again tonight to type. I was going to post a video instead of typing because I'm feeling a little tired and I want more practice speaking rather than writing. I guess writing has won me over, again. xP
I am going to write about how I am feeling partially since Charis asked us to do that for the course I am taking and also because I want to write about it.
Charis said a lot of our intuitive selves are emotional and I have found this to be true. So that's a big reason why she wanted us to look at our emotions.
My emotions are uncomfortable right now. I can't tell if it's my emotions making me chest tighter and painful or if it's my tight and painful chest that is stressing me out. I was fine but then a bump came up with the travel plans to mount shasta and now I am stressed as I wait for the email I supposed to receive. I am reminding myself that it all works out in divine order but it's hard to really settle on that. I feel bad for stressing my dad out and making it complicated but that may be a little codependent of me. I am not the only one involved in the variable so it's bound to get a little complicated. I don't think it's just the trip - I had already been feeling strange today.
But I got close to a panic attack tonight. I really have no idea why or what's come over me. But I just feel a lot of anxiety. I have struggled with anxiety before so this isn't new to me. Especially in situations with job related stuff or anything that has to do with making plans and involving other people or money or "business" type stuff can stress me out. The "serious adult stuff" can stress me out. Haha! I think what causes me anxiety is my lack of confidence. But that's only there because I'm still young and this stuff is new to me.
I am going to go to bed soon, though. There is no reasoning it out. I can tell when I will listen to reason and when I'm just going to be anxious no matter what. This is one of those times. I like that I am a determined type person but the stubbornness can be a double edged sword.
I feel excitement and anxiety. I feel like I'm close to more empowerment and that I'm really being an idiot right now. :D Probably because I need to go to bed. But I don't want to go to bed, yet. So that's why I am sitting here typing, right now.
Inferior and superior. Hmmm, I'm meditating on that. I'm meditating on my own feelings about myself and how I see myself.
I think it may really be time for me to go to bed. The little intuitive voice seems to be truly hinting at that.
No more thinking or contemplating for a little while, it's Elizabeth's bed time. Okay, I got it. :]
<3 <3 <3
Goodnight and hopefully I'll write again soon.
Thinking about flying "elevates" my spirits. It's the only thing that really does, right now. So I will think about that before going to sleep tonight. I will continue to think about what it would be like to fly...how it would feel. And how it applies to all of my life, even metaphorically.
e

The Believer

As I mentioned in earlier posts, I got a bad case of bronchitis which began with the flu. Not only have I been physically sick but all my "stuff" has been drudged up to the surface. I have had some truly beautiful break through's and I can definitely say that it is a time of "stripping" away the things that no longer how relevance to me.
It's so freaking weird...Most of my teen life I spent it feeling like I had this big life mission and though I couldn't put my finger on it, I just knew I did. Now, it's not that I don't feel I have an important purpose but nothing is clear. Enjoying life...living it to the fullest...these are all variables now and surprisingly that makes things hard to decipher for me. I think about how people talk about how they spend all their time thinking about revenge and when they finally get it they don't know what to do with themselves anymore. I might feel a little like that.
Not only that, I'm growing up. I'm getting glimpses and I'm in the "transition." I have been for a while but it's hitting harder now. Of course it's going to be scary. But I am really feeling it - especially the last few weeks. And I want to tremble beneath the weight of it. I have let myself cry and grieve and I have delved into my darkness and let myself feel it. But I cannot stay there because there is only so much wallowing one person can do.
I am here to truly live my life. Yes, I will not try to crush those emotions like they don't matter. I know I'm scared, I know there is still a lot of sadness in me but I cannot let it stop me from living, either. In all honesty, things are not "bad". Besides a few things here and there, I am living a wonderful life and I have my whole future ahead of me.
I am going to keep walking forward though I am afraid. I am going to put on a confident smile though I tremble. I will do this because I do believe in myself and in my worth. I know there is deep insecurity in me. I can feel that I have such an inferiority complex sometimes. There are times when I just don't feel like I am acceptable. But truly believing in that is giving up. It's taking the easy road out. I don't want to give up.
Not because it means I'll die. Some day I'll die and this Elizabeth that exists now won't exist anymore. So it's not really about self preservation but more about just caring. I want to care about my life and about being alive. I want to make a difference. I want to fight the good fight. Even when I've got the demons whispering that I can't do it and maybe it's not such a fight. Maybe I take everything just a bit too intensely and pay pretty close attention to my feelings.
But guess what? I'm cooped up in my house, right now and I don't have much of a choice but to sit here with me. All of me. It's funny, actually. Charis wanted us to journal our feelings at the end of the day while we are on our break from the course.

What do I feel? Oh gosh, I keep hearing lately that our feelings are what makes us human. I keep hearing that the suffering is all part of it. Yes! I can't believe that I can get to these kind of places and I'm feeling like shit for myself or thinking it's the end of the world. It just feels like a really challenging day.
I feel stronger.
I feel thankful.
I feel lonely.
I feel like where I end - something amazing exists.
I feel human
I feel like I am flawed and then I think that I am perfect
And then I fear that I am not perfect but I see somehow this is an endless cycle
I can taste the idea of freedom while I'm so tightly bound

I feel proud of myself. I have self respect for my choices.
So much I have spent time doubting me and doubting my choices...Doubting my worth. I wanted to believe but I didn't quite believe. Especially when push came to shove. When the doors closed and the darkness came a knocking. When the weight set in and the punches flew...it would all come crashing in around me. And it's miserable. Hurting is one thing but hurting and feeling like you're not worth any better - that's hell. I do think that if there is a hell, that's it. But the judge isn't someone in the sky...it's me.
Being willing to love myself, to forgive myself and to keep on trying...that's grace on this earth. Love and light are not always sparkly and fun - though I love fun, don't get me wrong - the darker parts are still there and to be able to accept all of yourself...you've gotta be able to take the "good" with the "bad".
I have been even trying to try out the idea of not "good" or "bad" things but things that feel good and things that are challenging. Just like I don't want to judge any part of myself as wrong, I don't want to judge any part of my life as bad. No, there are definitely hard as hell parts. Parts I don't like at all. They aren't fun and I don't want to deal with it, most of the time. But it's there and it's important as well.
These times shape me and test me. They make me stronger, especially if I work with them. No, I don't think this is the only way to get stronger but what happens, happens. If I am feeling challenged I can't just run from it because it's not sparkly and rainbows...I want to be able to look at the ugly, too. The stuff that doesn't flow easily and the stuff that tests me.
This is my taking my "new found self" seriously. It's been hard. I wanted to go back to the way things were at first. But I can't pretend last year didn't happen. It did. I am different and there is no other way around it. I've been changed forever. Just like a rock being shaped into a diamond. It doesn't me the old me is completely gone...she's still there but there is also a newer me.
This part of me is a believer. She is willing to believe. I am willing to believe. Even when I don't have any reason in my heart to besides the fact that it is what matters to me. No proof, just my hearts truth.
I am getting clarity about a lot of the feelings I had about this "new found me". I was a little weary about the path I was going down and I think it was because I could sense there was still parts of me that didn't take it seriously. Parts of me that were afraid. But it's okay! It's okay that I am afraid! Sometimes you can do things afraid. And really that's the magical part about "flight", sometimes it can be scary - there is no promise as to what will happen when you take off. But you take off, anyway. There is a chance you will fall...but you know the value of flying will always be more important to you than to stay on the ground out of fear.

And so I follow my heart... tentatively, at times and not always with 100% certainty. But there, I am still walking. I am still following this heart of mine.

Thank-you,
Elizabeth, the Believer.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0dKmgPMDnCI&feature=BFa&list=FL1GJwBnio8HmS8i2j2m1bkg
This is the perfect scene for me right now. It's not about how hard you hit but how much you can get hit and keep getting back up. Not blaming nobody or some "big shadow" for where you are in life. It's about knowing your worth and going after it. It's about believing in yourself.
Believing in yourself. That's what this is about. That's what this new strength in me is about. I'm believing in myself and believing in my worth. And even though it hurts like shit I'm not letting it make me feel like I am shit or feel sorry for myself. I'm so grateful for that. I am so grateful to actually care about me and my life. Thank-you.

Me in the Mirror

I have been sick over the passed week with Bronchitis. It hasn't just been affecting me physically. At first I was getting some really great spiritual breakthroughs but then I started to feel just "out of it". I felt paranoid and like something terrible was going to happen to me. I've never felt this way with sickness before. I felt similar to it last year but that's the only other comparison I have. I connected with a part of me that was faithless, scared and hurt. It was a part of me that didn't want to live that way but thought there truly wasn't anything else and didn't want to get my hopes up because then just the harder I fall - the more pieces that are broken. It is like living in a great void, where the world is collapsing in around you and on top of you. What scared me the most out of anything else was suffering. The knowledge that I would feel more of that - that I would experience more of it.
I've been meditating on this the last few days instead of running from it. I wanted to understand why I felt this way and what was truly going on with me. How was it possible I could be so in love with my life and yet have this part of me? It didn't make sense to me but it was very real for me.

Last night, I began to cry. Which I knew I didn't need to since I was sick. But I couldn't help myself and I just couldn't stop. I felt so much pain and it ran so deeply. I have felt this pain many times and that doesn't make it easier, it can actually make it that much more maddening. I wanted the suffering to end, I wanted this torture to end. I thought of the fact that one day I'd have to say goodbye to my parents...one day I'd lose them - that there would always be this sort of pain waiting for me. I couldn't stop crying or feeling this piercing pain.

But I catch myself in the reflection....Tears running down my face, my face scrunched up since I was sobbing - red and like I'd never seen myself before. I've never really just looked at myself in the mirror when crying...I mean, I'm sure most people don't. But I didn't let myself look away, this time.

Short back story: During my intuitive course that I'm taking by Charis Brown, I connect with a plant. One day I didn't want to connect with my plant because I was sad. I wanted to cry and I didn't want to send that energy into the plant. I connected with the plant anyway and it didn't want me to pull away from it like I was infected with some dangerous energy. Instead it said clearly in my mind, "Let me see your face clearly as you cry. Let me see you sad." And when I did the plant just sat with me as a plant is so good at doing. It sent me warmth and love, just sitting with me and my pain. For so long I have believed that I needed to be over this pain, already. I have believed that there is no place for it and God have I wanted to be over it. I have certainly tried. But this posed the question that maybe I should try less to make it go away and instead to just sit with it...no matter how long it takes or how deep it is.**

The memory of the plant telling me to just let me look into my eyes while I cried came back to me. So I did this with myself. I looked into my eyes as I cried. And voila! I connected with myself. Through the mirror, I connected with myself like I would connect with another person. I could see the pain in those eyes. I no longer had these thoughts running through my head of how to shut if off but, "I never knew this is kind of pain you had inside of you." I felt compassion for myself, SO much compassion for myself and it was like until connected with myself on that level at that moment had I not realized the kind of torment I was going through. And that I was doing all I could to be strong but there truly was a place of pain within me. I was hurt. How much more simple could it be?

So I went to the bathroom mirror and continued to look into my eyes, I reached my hand out to the mirror and sobbed, "Sorry, sorry." Sorry for not truly seeing me or sorry for the pain? Pick either. I kept crying and I looked away from the mirror. I wanted to stop crying so I didn't make myself worse off on the sickness level. But my spirit pulled me back to the mirror and said, "I need you to see yourself. I need you to look yourself in the eyes this time and see what you are going through." And so I did look into my red eyes. "I know the pain you feel. I know because I am you. I know that you sometimes wish you could just go ahead and die and I know you don't even let yourself admit this to yourself. I know you want it to be over, the pain. I can't promise you that the pain will go away or that there won't be more. I wish I could and I know it isn't fair but I can't. There is so much about life that I don't understand. But I do know there are so many amazing things. I have seen love, the most miraculous kind. I have met the most beautiful people ever and I have experienced joy, adventure, magic...I can see just how beautiful this life is. I know that. I also know there is a lot of pain. And I can't change that, I'm sorry."
And then my spirit held me there because I was about to pull away. But my spirit needed me to face this, needed me to see this for what it was. "But, Elizabeth, you can't escape this. There is no doorway out. There is no doorway out from this suffering because this suffering is your heart." And then it hit me, the sobbing in my chest began to change..."When you wanted to die, you weren't trying to run from life or the circumstances or other people who could hurt you. You wanted to escape yourself. You didn't want to exist anymore, you didn't want this suffering anymore." And the tears were still there in my eyes but I knew I was right. I knew all along this had been my heart and I felt love my heart and I felt the knowledge that I simply didn't want to exist anymore...in any sort of way. And in not in the right order, I told myself that if I ever needed to love someone or to help someone it was me. That my heart needed my love...needed my care and my compassion. That if I wanted to know what true love was, this suffering was part of it. This suffering in my heart...could I love this heart that makes me feel this? Could I dare to see this is me hurting? Could I dare to see this is me needing my own care and compassion and tenderness and sweetness that I've always wanted to give to others and to this world. How can I possibly love anyone or anything without my love? And for the first I felt like I had somehow...really become friends with myself. "You're brave, Elizabeth. And I think you do everything you can to do your very best and you always fight with all you have." I saw how wonderful I was to myself. "I'm glad that you chose to keep existing. Even if it is just for another moment. For this moment, I am glad you are still here." And I was, I was truly glad in that moment to exist. With all my pain and all my fears and hope and joys...I was glad to exist.

No promises - the path may still have a lot of pain and fears. But something precious was given to me last night, my own friendship with myself became very real to me last night. I saw my own suffering clearly, I saw that the only escape I've ever wanted is to escape myself - to stop existing and that to "quit" is simply to quit on myself and that maybe just maybe this life has always been about loving me and nothing else truly since we are all connected and everything is connected - that is the great journey...the great love, I saw clearly that I admired myself and that I did see my own strength and desire to do my very best, and then I saw with the depths of myself that I love myself. That I love myself and that I don't want to stop existing. I saw myself as worth it all...all the suffering and the fear...it's a part of me. "My heart isn't evil, it's just hurting...and maybe neither are my fears - maybe it's just a way of trying to protect me."

And I just felt left with this feeling of love and acceptance for myself. I know that there may be some really big mountains to climb and maybe not in such a terrible way but even if it is...It's me. And just like a person would never stop loving their child even with the idea that their child's life could cause them a lot of suffering...I never want to stop loving myself. I really do like myself, after all. I really do care about myself, after all. And I want to be there, through out this life. Through the pain and the adventures. Through the scary and the fun times. I think I'd like to exist for another day. :]

For another day, I am grateful to wake up and to truly feel grateful to be here...to be grateful for my life and for my existence. Even in the face of all the suffering and fears, there is a gentleness blossoming in me. Could this be a new friendship with myself beginning? :] I walk tentative steps with it. But I am so thankful for that gift, last night.

I thank-you, Universe. For me to have received this gift at any stage or time in existence whether in this life or the next was truly special. It feels like a part of me was stitched back together.


  

A piece of humble pie

A quick reminder to myself: I don't have all the answers, all I have are ideas. There may always be some truth to my ideas but they can be changed and adapted as I change and adapt. Truth because divinity lives in me as well. I can feel confident and strong in what I believe or have an idea in if it rings very true or divinity is moving through me. But I can also be strong in my vulnerability when I have no answer but questions.and my ideas may be very vague because I don't always need to be in control or have all the answers - that's why my higher power exists. And is willing to do what I wont and get me unstick when I can't. It's willing to royally piss me and my pride off if it's what is best for me and it keeps loving me only the way a higher power can. And in regards to my expectations of others. They don't have all the answers either but good ideas with divine truth and some ideas I dont resonate with. No one has to be that person with all the right answers and my divine connection. No teacher...no one. So I go with what resonated and maybe I don't project them judging me or them being better than me. And maybe I can not judge so much and project me being right or being wrong sio much. If this is about seeing where my growth or my heart is at and other people help show me that then its not how they need to change but me instead. I do believe in setting boundaries and giving advice when its asked for...I just want to be less controlling of other people and myself. I want to stop holding expectations and start seeing where I am at. So this is a piece of my humble pie that I offer to myself for later, to you reading this and the universe at large. It can be hard to let go and admit to not knowing much at all. For my sake I hope it gets a little bit easier and I wont get so distracted but that is ultimately out of my hands. All I can do is show up and know that I can make mistakes and life not be over. Thank you

Cry

I am only writing right now because I needed a place to release and I find this the healthiest route. So whenever anything hard happens I remember the people no longer in my life. That raw feeling returns. I want to be done with it. It just isn't fair to be holding to someone who isn't coming back. I want to stop wishing for something else. I have felt this feeling for most of my life. It started when my family divorced. It's that need to be with someone but knowing you can't. And knowing that if you could there wouldn't be that love that you cherished. This isn't my authentic truth and I want to be ready for growth. I want tobe ready to die to the old me and be reborn. Will the heart break transform like I know it can? Will I know within my being what my authentic truth is? And I have smelled that smell before. I watched him suffer and wondered what would happen next...I never knew if it was really over and I never can. I would love him no matter what. No matter how much it hurt. Oh higher power..am I reggressing? Haven't I done this before? Maybe its time for an Alanon meeting. I just want to do it differently this time. I don't want to close up and hide from what I am feeling. I don't want to wallow either. I want to have real grief and then move forward. I want to find healing and know serenity. I want to focus on the fact of love. Not binding, blinding "love " but the eternal unfathomable love that frees all. It's elusive and I cannot change or control it. It is free and always true. I glimpse it's grace...Sometimes I dream but of nothing else. What is it like to be on the edge of the cliff and you know when you fall you're going to die? You'll be gone forever. But you are not afraid and though a tear may be in your eye...there is also a smile on your lips. And then you're born again. Doesn't it seems little cruel to make us suffer over and over again? Who am I talking to? Can't I stop it huh? Or is my higher powers responsibility since I am limited? Can I? Do I dare to trust my higher power to know my very best and to love me unconditionally? Do I? Do I dare to love my God / fess with unconditional love. And believe that we're all doing our very best. "I will rise from my sorrow." Keep slipping to the bottom. You rise when you have nothing else to break the fall huh?

Perfectly Flawed again

So this New Moon was really opening me up, again. I had all these doubts, insecurities popping up. I felt jealous, angry and crappy about myself. I was feeling worthless and all of the in between. What was once just a shadow of doubt was suddenly overwhelming me.
I had a really long talk with my mom after sending Charis an email on facbook. A memory had resurfaced about a possible past life. I think I may have ended my own life. I've always felt that I might have done that. My mom spoke wisdom to me with that clarity that only she has in that way. She showed me how one, the New Moon and possibly PMS was affecting me. Than she also pointed out that I was only 19. I have done a lot for a 19 year old on personal growth but I was still 19 and scared and unsure about my own future. All these things I was feeling - all the terrible things were very human. She helped me to see once again that I didn't want to accept my human-ness.
I even found myself judging others, wondering if they were being "authentic" and then wondering if they were judging me. She pointed out this wasn't beneficial in any way. And it's not. The people I look up to and I feel jealous of at times ARE older than me and have had more time to grow. She also pointed out I never know what other people have to go through. And really...it just went back to that part of me that strives so much to be a certain kind of person because I was determined not to be like everyone else. I didn't like the way most of society acted...and I didn't want to do it myself. The problem is...when I judge it. Than I judge it with myself. I make myself feel bad and I see the world as ugly. But when I accept this with myself than I can work passed it and it's not the end of the world. All the sudden, the world isn't ugly but trying their very best. I know that I had grown over the years to be pretty judgmental of people and to see myself as "special". Not necessarily better but I did see myself of a different caliber. I felt I had to or I would slip into all those habits. But the truth is - I WILL slip into those habits. Because I am human and we mess up and we feel pain. That is part of the human experience. I'm not always going to live up to my expectations and the less I have of myself but just to try my best - I won't be so hard on myself.
My mom also pointed out that even though I see these things and don't want to continue these habits...they take time to change. Like change in weight loss - it takes every day work and a healthy weight loss happens over a period of time.
All of the sudden, my darkness appearing doesn't seem so bad. All of the sudden, the forces of darkness that I felt like were trying to overwhelm me or hurt me were really trying to show me the truth of how I was being and acting - to give me clarity. This life is what I expected it to be. A place where people really are doing there best and it's not about whistling in the wind but gaining a real love and respect for yourself and other people. I am grateful for this clarity.
And then I checked my message from Charis and I was blown away. I remembered her childhood and it helped remind me that I can never just look at someone's life now and think they have everything and I don't. I used to hate it when other's did that to me. Someone very special told me once, "It's always subjective to the person." Everyone goes through their own stuff and depending on who they are and where they are at will mean how much it hurts. I can't judge another for that or myself. I can begin to lift the veil if even a little bit...and maybe not see myself as a victim. And WOW - those words of hers. They went straight to my heart. I can and want to fully be myself.
And Elizabeth, it's okay to feel messed up and to even mess up. It's okay to do things that you think you might regret because you're going to do them. You won't be perfect - not in the way you see as perfect.
Thank-you, life, universe and all those connected through it. I know I'm not alone.
I love you.

Elizabeth

Beyond words there is more

I want to share something my guides talked with me about last night. It was actually surprisingly very clear when they spoke. Interestingly enough I used a pink stillbite crystal cluster. They are known to help in spiritual endeavors and they hold a very loving energy. 

My guides spoke to me of a few things but I also received things that went beyond words.

• "Sometimes you'll need to be braver than you thought possible." That is what one of my guides told me...We were discussing fear and how it sometimes limits me. 
• I had been listening to a guide and wondering in my mind if it was my own mind conjuring it up or if this was a separate person. I could feel whoever this was literally didn't understand what that meant..."I don't understand what you mean. There is no different person." And I finally realized it...If I was going to believe we were all one - I needed to truly see that for what it was. The idea of separation is truly an illusion. I asked the question, "Who am I, then?" And she answered with, "That is a very good question..." After thinking for a minute something popped into my head, "I am." That's when I started focusing on consciousness....Nothing else but the awareness that I am. 
• "Beyond words there is more." This rang so true. That "more" that I had been searching for was exactly what was being mentioned. Again, I simply stopped a let myself watch and be aware. Every feeling, every thought. I am not attached to this body, human nature, personality, thought patterns. That isn't my identity...They exist and they are sacred but they are not the source of life. There is an awareness...

Elizabeth

Icarus

I really enjoy these moments. The one's where I am just "me". It's funny, I never would have thought it would be such a great thing to experience.
I find myself giggling indignantly at the fact that I'm actually talking and liking guys again. It's like this dose of something I've needed for a long time.
I remember when I was going through the intense stuff that I was going through - my favorite moments would be when I would laugh without abandon...not concerned with anything but just honestly laughing. Not having to watch my thoughts or my feelings. Not pushing myself to be "more" than I already was.
Once I regrounded...I didn't want to push myself like I did last year. It drove me to the brink of...Well...there are no words for it.
But...As much as I love this normality. I also love the "more" that life has to offer. I am focusing more now on having a balance. :]
I watched a really great movie recently with my father. I had a lot of questions and doubts floating around about God/ess and who I am...This movie spoke to me - and my dad! ;] I related to the main character, the last scion. She is told at one point about who she truly is and she runs away - she has a meltdown. I felt so connected with her character at that point. I thought in my head, "I know what that is like." She wanted to know why it was her...Metatron told her that Jesus had asked the same thing. He just wanted to play with the other kids and be a little boy. The angel said he would've changed things if he could...he didn't think it was fair. But this wasn't so. He told her that who she was before wasn't a lie...This pulled at my heart. What I experienced last year almost completely shattered who I thought I was before. I didn't know who "Elizabeth" was. I certainly didn't feel like a teenage girl anymore....not even close. After regrounding - I can't say I regretted rediscovering some of the old me. But, it's not the same. It probably never will be. I don't think I'll let myself get there, again. After you have been revealed something like was revealed to me - there is no going back or forgetting. I don't want to.
The angel told her that the old her wasn't a lie...there was just a new part to her. And that she could try incorporating the new her into her life, to find a balance. To be this new person some of the time, as well.
I can still be Elizabeth...But I can also embody this light. I know...I just know there is "more" to it. [haha! There's that word again!] So it's kinda' like I'm part time super hero by day and silly teenager by night! Yes, I'm 18, I know I need to think of myself as a young budding adult but I SO still feel like a teen. In fact, I feel more like a teen than I have in a long time. And it's really refreshing. Especially since a lot of the traumatic teen years have passed.
I got a totem popping up in my mind, yesterday. It was the bald eagle/golden eagle. The totem book ending saying that, "You must become more than you ever thought possible." Somehow...I knew this was true. I want to always accept myself exactly as I am but I feel deep within my core that there is something for me to do and I must do it in a way that even I might not see as possible. Because I can and because I will. I know I speak these words simply off of a feeling...But it's important to me. It spoke of balancing the two polarities, living in the spiritual realm.

The eagle is symbol of the zenith. A great reminder of your own ability to soar to great heights. Eagles are messengers from heaven and are the embodiment of the spirit of the sun.

Those with an Eagle totem need to have an involvement with creation; a willingness to experience extremes; a willingness to use your ability even if it means getting "scorched" a little as you fly high; a willingness to seek out your true emotions. A demanding totem, but one that offers so much reward at the end of the journey. Its four-toed feet remind you to stay grounded even went soaring high; Its talons remind you to grasp the things of the earth; Its sharp beak shows you when to speak, how much, and how strongly. This totem will show you opportunities and how to ride the winds to your benefit. Eagle people can live in the realm of the spirit yet still remain connected and balanced within the realm of the Earth. You must become much more than you ever dreamed possible.

I know this is me because I have experienced it my whole life. I go so far even if it means I get a little scorched because of it. I'm willing to jump into the fire to see what's on the other side. Some call it bravery, some call it stupidity. I have toned it down some after last year but as the days pass I begin to see that it is in my current nature. Things do change but where I am right now calls for this. Does it scare me? Yes...Do I think it will be easy? Ha! Has it been very easy, yet? But this is part of my path....part of who I am.

It makes me think of something I heard on this show I am watching about a normal girl who finds out she is a cat person..."Some things you can't fight...just like you can't fight the fact that you are blue eyed." A person can get eye contacts...dye their hair but at the end of the day...That is what their true colors are. It's not exactly fate...It's just who you are.
I just want to remember both the aspects of myself. The "old" me that is somewhat normal and doesn't have to be anything other than what she is. And than the girl who dances with wolves.
May we all awaken to light of our own true nature!

Ellie

Finding your bliss and following it

Bliss. This is a state of being. It's more than an emotion. It fills me and moves through me with ease when I am not repressed. We are free, creative spirits. We are all born with this freedom inside of us.
No holding back, I let the child wake back up. Because...That's me. I deserve to feel creatively free. :~)
I deserve to have fun, to love a lot and to be able to dance for no good reason.
I forgot what following your bliss meant.
I always do whenever I get bogged down by being "realistic". Which is really no fun at all. I am okay that I get this way...I want to love me more, though. I want me to know me loves me lots! LOL
I remember what following one's bliss is when I let my creativity flow freely...Just like when I am drawing my pretty amazing pictures! I am a lot of fun when I am like this. I like this way of living, a lot.
I will go to bed soon. But I wanted to post about finding and following my bliss. So next time I get really sad I can remember that my higher power led me to this really beautiful writer named Sark who is an angel! She also knows that cats are furry angels.
I cried and then I found my bliss and now I have butterfly wings on my head and just watched sparklers at three in the morning. I wrote "ten awesome things and ten awesome people!" I made my best friend laugh like a hyena and my mom told me to go to bed. I like that my mom tells me to go to bed. I didn't go to bed yet. >;D
It's not the words that really matter - it's the energy behind them...the state of being and the intentions. Charis said this in one of her videos earlier today. I really like her. I like how she is a new voice in my life that speaks words which reassure my path. I like that I like her and that we are friends. I like that she is strong and honest and that I am strong and try to be honest. I am grateful for her. I am grateful for so many people, things...Sometimes..I want to cry about everything. I want to cry because I'm so, so happy. I want to cry because life is amazing and I'm in awe...I want to cry because I can't stop laughing! I want to cry because my heart is hurting a lot. And then I just cry because everything is so messed up and so perfect all at once. I smile a lot when I cry. I laugh during tears and tears come during laughter. I like crying....It's the same way that rain feels. It opens me up.
I am now thinking about many things at once and don't know what to type next...All I know is that right now...I know for sure I am grateful.

“There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique, and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium; and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is, not how it compares with other expression. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others." - Martha Graham

Elizabeth

For my Brother

There’s a place
Where you are
It’s in my mind
But I think it might still be real
If the past is the past
Should I let this place in me die?
If I am to walk away now
I want no regrets

This place
I can see your smile
The smile that danced in your eyes when not on your lips
I can also feel you hand on my shoulder,
As you tell me something encouraging
When you tell me, “I love you, Elizabeth.”
You pace a lot in this place
And you’re excited so you like to jump a little while you stride
You have the most beautiful conviction
Your eyes glow
With love, passion, determination, knowledge -
Life
I admire you in this place
But you aren’t always happy, determined or strong

Sometimes I see you cry
You cry for me, for you
For the world
Sometimes you get angry
You wish for things that are not
You’re not always nice either
You can be very honest
There is a lot of distance between us
Even in this place
Am I a small girl in this place?
Or a mother?
A lover?
A friend?
Am I your enemy or your sister?

I call to you…But this place isn’t real
It’s made of memories that no longer exist.
They are like dead stars
Still burning in the sky because time hasn’t caught up with the truth, yet
I am happy here….
You are here.

Why do I have to keep living here if it isn’t real?
This part of me that lives there doesn’t even realize what has happened
It’s gone. Those memories - they are ashes of something here once
It’s a dance of death
Everything is dying, you know
Even this heart, as we speak, is dying
Why should I try to hurry the process?
It’s a long, painful process…yes…but it’s special.
It’s beautiful…A glorious light burning
Burning, burning and burning out!
Let these tears dance with this pain
As the sorrows wash around my feet
I know a new world awaits
For with every death, there is a birth

He isn’t the Creator
But Spirit lives and breathes him
It lives and breathes me
I have no control
I am a heart beating out of it’s chest
The sunlight is golden and red
It’s shining on me
I am open as I die
I drown without fighting
I let the flood enter my lungs, crash through
Inevitability
It’s already happening now
I surrender

I am gone
I am a starlight that once burned
But time is still in the past
It doesn’t realize
I don’t realize
I’m already gone.
And I’m already here again

Birthed into light
It’s a never-ending story
Will I remember him, now?
This shadow won’t fade.
I can’t see him like this anymore
It’s time for me to give up this world’s view of truth

My brother
I see you
You stand with me
We aren’t alone, either
Everyone is here
We’re all standing dark in the light
Gifts in life
Nothing changes here
We’re all just standing here…holding hands…looking on
Into the light
It’s where we once were and
Where we will one day return

I love you
Always
Sincerely,
The one who still cries
As you walk away

Karmic Lesson

I think this is the first time in a while that I have posted twice in one night on my blog page. :] I'm kind of excited about getting twice the inspiration to post.
I was thinking about how karma works and the pointlessness of looking down on someone. Karma has made it very obvious to me that whenever I look down on someone or I think "that's wrong" - it's a completely different story when I experience it myself. We have our own perspectives and experiences and until we, ourselves, are in the consciousness - we cannot judge. A person is always doing the best they can at the state that they are at. It actually made more sense to me again when Charis told me, "When people don't like or accept something about you, it's something they don't like or accept about themselves." I would say that a more accurate way to say it would be, "When someone doesn't like something about you or accept something about you, it's something that wouldn't accept about themselves." BUT - when I went through my experience last year, I remember that everything I was judging other people about and I thought was wrong was currently something I did not like about myself or couldn't accept about myself. It kind of makes me see that maybe I'm supposed to be more concerned with my own workings then what others are doing. Maybe I should focus on letting them be exactly who and how they are without judging them or telling them they are wrong [WOW, that's a hard one xP But it's worth it and worth the try]. If I get angry or feel I have been wronged, I will do my best not to take it out on them and attack them. Yes, I think there is a time and a place for that. I do believe in defending what is precious and standing one's ground. I also think that if I can do more of that, than when I do stand my ground I will not be looking down on them but doing my best to be true to myself. There will be time to set boundaries and maybe even times to fight but the less I perpetuate guilt, the better. I can try asking myself in each situation, how would I treat myself in this situation?  Would I think it okay to tear myself down? Maybe I can place my hand over my heart and invite the heart grace into the situation. I won't strive for perfection but just to be aware that the other person is "me". And true love is for everyone, everywhere always and forever.

Elizabeth

An Angel

Am I writing this now because I miss him? That, I cannot say for certain. I want to write a story based off our experience. Why? I want something that makes it more real than my memories. Memories fade, they grow old. How does one go about letting go of those special things.
The bad things in our lives pass away with time and so do the good. We pass away with time. I am not the same girl I was five minutes ago, we are constantly changing. This life is not something you can hold onto forever. In this life, there is no such thing as forever. So is it useless of me to write a story of such a thing? The only thing I can promise forever is love. One day - Elizabeth won't exist. Maybe this soul will and this spirit. But even the soul is another container for life and consciousness [which I seem to believe are the same thing]
I love it, experiencing this. I also dread parts of it. Wishing not to let go. Just like if I were to keep someone from dying when it were there time...There spirit would fade, they would droop. Or holding onto a relationship when it's time to let it go...It fades, it droops. Death is as much a part of life. And without the two - they become obsolete. I don't experience eternity as much as I experience my memories and the future. Or these feelings that stay in my heart. What would we be if we never anticipated the future and always let go of the past? We wouldn't even be able to live here.
It's hard to let him go. If there was "the one" - it was him. But I doubt that exists - not in that way. Life is more complicated. Yet, that's not really it, either. We weren't fated, heck, it seemed to be the opposite. In fact, that was kind of my thing back then...doing what was said couldn't be done. Especially when it came to love. Love was free...it couldn't be bound, I would say. It could do anything. But, even then, I knew it could not be controlled no matter how much I wanted to. Because it IS free...no one can capture. It comes and goes as it pleases. There is no master over love. All one has is the ability to make choices and their dance with the higher power.
I remember the feelings that were there. It was pure and filled with innocence. I definitely crave it still. But beyond craving it, I can hear, "How can one experience such a thing and then be left to go back to life without it?"
I was connected to him in a way I've never connected with anyone, [no until last year that is]. I find myself naturally drawn back to him. Like a beautiful flower you can't help but watch. Though, this is where the choice is mine. I choose not to. Not when I know so little and when there are so many things that go against who I am, right now. Both of us could get very hurt.
Have I honestly completely and totally given up? No way. And I will love him for as long as I live and this soul lives. For eternity love will be with him for as long as he exists.
I think some people are special in a person's life. Everyone is important but there are some people who really stick out to you. They are the shooting start in your sky that catch your attention. Are they more important? No, they are just precious to who you are. They remind you of the love that always exists and is with you - unconditionally.

Thank-you, Kirene, for existing. And when I reached out my hand, you reached yours out to mine. It's okay I don't know everything about you and that I can't be with you in that sort of way, right now. I know who you are in truth. I know who you will always be to me. Thank-you, for everything. Thank-you, Universe. It's in these nights that I know beyond a shadow of doubt - you are an Angel. You have always been able to see the Sun that lives inside this human being called Elizabeth.

 “Your mind is right now filled with old thoughts. Not only old thoughts, but mostly someone else’s old thoughts. It’s important now, it’s time now, to change your mind about some things. This is what evolution is all about.” —Neale Donald Walsch

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bThv-tdjK74

- Elizabeth  

Gratitude

As I grow, this hunger and ache for truth and meaning is being replaced with an unending amount of gratitude. 
My fears, sorrows and things I regretted. Things that I hoped one day I'd get passed....Never in my wildest dreams would I think I would be saying wholeheartedly, "Thank-you."

I leave you with the lyrics of this song to meditate upon -

How 'bout getting off these antibiotics
How 'bout stopping eating when I'm full up
How 'bout them transparent dangling carrots
How 'bout that ever elusive kudos

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How 'bout me not blaming you for everything
How 'bout me enjoying the moment for once
How 'bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
How 'bout taking you upon your support

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it
Was the moment I touched down

How 'bout professing just how much you love me
How 'bout taking him up on a back-massage
How 'bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How 'bout grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How 'bout no longer being masochistic
How 'bout remembering your divinity
How 'bout reflecting each-other in our last splendor
How 'bout not equating death with stopping

Thank you India
Thank you clarity
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

-Alanis Morissette - Thank-you